Thursday, June 30, 2005

Brian Williams: Declaration Of Independence Really A Glorified Ransom Note

Says Jefferson ruthlessly threatened King George with moving away

Washington--Stirring an already-boiling pot of pre 4th of July controversy, NBC's Brian Williams made a third-person comparison of the founding fathers to the terrorists who kidnapped American diplomats in 1979.

"Some are critical of all the media attention to Mahmed Ahmadinejad," said Williams on his blog, as well as his broadcast reiteration with co-host, Andrea Mitchell. "And one could argue the germaneness all day, but many believe that Thomas Jefferson may have hijacked stuff while smelling just plain awful."

Williams' argument contends that the English crown may have viewed the founding fathers in a terrorist light.

"The analogy fits," he said. "Except that Jefferson didn't kidnap innocent people and blindfold them to embarrass Jimmy Carter. But he did manage to write that big old ransom note with twenty-seven draconian demands. So let's just say my analogy is schematically correct."

Williams also noted that the ransom note is a "integral part" of the National Archives, and that "tens of thousands of people flock to see it every year."

"I don't think Ahmedinejan's 444-day Bunker Hill is going to get its own shrine any time soon," Said Williams. "Not unless cooler heads prevail."

Williams also noted the "established historical duress" under which Jefferson placed King George III, by virtue of his ominous pamphleteering.

"Threaten a man with moving away from him, and you've paralyzed him," said Williams. "King George didn't stand a chance."

Those Swift Boat Guys Will Stop At Nothing To Overturn A Fair Iranian Election

By Dan Rather,
Guest Columnist

The Mahmoud Ahmadinejad-Iranian hostage taker similarities are fakes. I’ve carefully studied the 1979 photographs from the American Embassy ordeal, and compared them with the current pictures of president-elect Ahmadinejad, and come to an unequivocal conclusion. It cannot be the same man.

The man elected by the brilliant Iranian electorate is at least 25 years older than the man they say took them hostage. Gotcha, blogosphere. Courage!

This just goes to show the bias out there. This is just another, reconstituted cadre of embittered swift boat guys, who can’t put 444 days of blindfolded captivity behind them. And this specious claim by former hostages is just another Rovian attempt to:

-Overturn the will of the Iranian people

-Attack the credibility and the honorable military service of John Kerry.

When I saw the discrepant ages between the guy in the 1979 photograph and the man who will become the next president of Iran, I thought to myself, “yeah, ought to jump on this faster than Michael Jackson at a Martini & Rossi day-care center. But nooooo! Did they care to mark the obvious, aesthetic differences between one man’s black beard and the other’s salt and pepper facial hair?

No. Courage!

Did Powerline find the mental acuity to notice that these two men part their hair in distinctly different ways?

No. Courage!

So while those Powerline thugs that ended my career are intoxicated with their conversations with Sean Hannity guest hosts, I’m coming in from the flank with the hard facts—now more than ever!

A journalist may never have the good hand of Providence ever deliver them a single morsel of news or revelation that will make their career even once. I know have before me, the explosive components that will resurrect mine: the obvious, chronological discrepancies being promulgated by the blogosphere. And I thank God for it.

This may be enough to get me off of Thorazine, and allow me into the veranda to watch reruns of my hurricane reports.

Courage, people. Goodnight.

Iranian People Already Plotting To Assassinate New President

Many call for resignation after referring to self as "sixth pillar" of Islam

Haunting Juxtaposition: Five American hostages agree that the 1979 hostage -taker on the right is also president-elect Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (left). Ahmadinejad's people say that in 1979, he was gassing Kurdish preschools, and "could not have been in two places at once."

Tehran--The Iranian people, surprised by allegations of their newly-elected president is possibly one of the 1979 hostage takers during the Jimmy Carter years, are already grappling with a question usually reserved for non-Muslim presidents of other countries: How to assassinate him.

"This guys is a real Q'uran thumper," said one political analyst in Tehran. "When this guy promised a beheading in every garage, the electorate thought he meant only infidel garages. Couple that with the fact that his Islamic consecrations are as extreme as they get--just go ahead and put up a sign that says WHILE IN IRAQ, WHY NOT STOP OVER AND CHANGE OUR REGIME TOO, INFIDEL BUSH?"

The hullabaloo extends from reports that president elect, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, was one of the captors that held American embassy workers hostage for 444 days, starting in 1979. Four former hostages claim they reached independent conclusions as to Ahmadinejad's identity and contacted each other.

Ahmadinejad denies any involvement in the ordeal, citing the "extensive and palpable reality of proliferate beards and non-layered haircuts in Iran." Ahmadinejad's political advisors say that these "confusing aesthetic camouflages" may also lead to "multiple and frequent assassinations."

"You never know," said one. "First they'll try to kill Mr. Ahmadinejad, and then realize they've killed the wrong man. Next thing you know, Women, children and babies are being mistaken for assassins by our people. It's really an unfortunate thing that Iranians have little-to-no-distinguishing characteristics."

Other have called for a pre-emptive resignation on Ahmadinejad part after he referred to himself as the “Sixth Pillar” of Islam—a reference many believe to have narcissistic fertility implications.

“Ahmadinejad had what we call a David Copperfield complex,” said one Q’uran scholar. “He goes to such lengths to reaffirm his prowess, that he literally fouls the waters into which the public has placed him. And as they say here, ‘if the camels know you’re nothing special, then so does Allah.”

Ahmadinejad's people say they are ready to "go to war" over the 1979 hostage claims, citing "empirical evidence" that Ahmadinejad was torturing infants and toddlers near the Iraq border in November of that year.

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Tom, Get Those Effeminate Little Hands Off My Anti-Psych Meds!

By Rosie O’Donnel,
Guest Columnist/Lesbian

Tom, Tom, Tom. I am so disappointed in you. After all those seasons I spent suppressing my ratings-killing lesbian tirades, saying how much I wanted you.

And now you do this to me. Wow.

Let me put my fork down for a minute and talk to you out of my heart—if it’ll help, just personify these words using Nicole Kidman’s voice, because I know what mine does to milk—much less your central nervous system.

Since we’re both gay, I think the playing field of understanding is level. And understanding is as important to me as a one-top restaurant visit for tri-tip and Keystone beer.

It’s about my meds, Tom. Those curious little pills right over there in my Heather Has Two Mommies fanny pack. I happen to like those little happy pills, Tom. You see I understand pills, Tom, you don’t. I happen to like seeing the little funny people that jump around my house when I take them. I happen to love being up at all hours of the night, jabbering about the Bush dynasty and right-wing cabals while watching Wonder Woman.

And I especially like talking about the Chubacabra with my daughter while we eat the beans and listen to the Art Bell Show. What are you out there doing? Does your Dianetics help you believe you looked Japanese in The Last Samurai? I didn’t think so, Mr. Former Sex Symbol on my now-defunct television show.

That’s right, I’m not nice.

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Souter's Suitors

By now you have heard vis-a-vis Matt Drudge that a group is intending to press an Eminent Domain brief to build a hotel on Justice David Souter's house.

This is fine. But they've ruined my satire, as my sage face is now shoved beneath the waterline of ansurdity.

I have not taken this lightly. I've emailed the progenitor of this quirky exploit at Freestar Media:

Dear Sir,

The other day, I achieved nearly legendary status as a blogger with my cutie-pie satire about the DC Mayor bulldozing Ruth Bader Ginsberg's house. This piece was so viscerally funny that I became instantly famous around the world for my acerbic wit. So far I have not Appeared on Hannity & Colmes, and have also managed to not be tracked down and interviewed by Diane Sawyer.

Now you guys have gone off and given genuine currency to what I was hoping to have exist within the sphere of satire for at least another week.

Could you please either:

1) Postpone ousting Souter until after the 4th of July, so as to allow the absurdity of what I've written maintain its almost immortal inertia.


2) Actually Bulldoze Ruth Bader Ginsberg's house. This one would grant me the status of prophet in the blog world, and maybe Instapundit would link to me more.

By the way, you should listen to the Jim Vicevich show (WTIC, Hartford). He's liable to be covering your Eminent Domain grab for Souter's pad.

It is my prayer that thou dost render him homeless, just not at the expense of my fame.

In Mutual Struggle,

The Therapist

On The Radio Again

Apparrently, My Ruth Bader Ginsg-berg piece has pirced the Seattle radio market, according to this email from Liberal Larry at Blame Bush.

Quoth the Larry:

You intolerant bastard!

By the way, right-wing hate radio jock Bryan Suits at
KVI 570 read your Ruth Bader Ginsburg piece on the air
the other day. He didn't name your blog, but I
recognized your writing style. Keep it up, and you
might get to meet Kirby Wilbur!

Another really, really good day.

Update: A Big thanks to Aelfheld at Gall & Wormwood for straightening me out on my bad link to Larry. My bad.

Wal Mart To Rollback Prices On Ultralights

LITTLE ROCK, Ark—Citing a "sudden and precipitous drop" in demand for one-man ultra light aircraft, Wal Mart stores nationwide are including the self-assembled apparatus into their Rollback price delineation program.

"In this business, one must be very aware of the consumer indexes," said one Wal Mart spokesperson. "We had our eyes on this rather unorthodox area of the market—and for some reason—our analysts were alerted to a sudden, unexplainable volatility in this area. We've bet the ranch on this, and we'll just have to wait and see."

The light, gas-powered fabric-winged experimental aircraft are expected to "practically throw themselves into the checkout line," according to market analysts of consumer goods.

Monday, June 27, 2005

Scammer Redux

So John has since written me back, and I've obliged him. I hope he isn't getting frustrated with me. Here's John's "I'm obviously an artful-dodger" appeal to me:

My Dear ,

Thank you for your response to my urgent and confidential proposal to you, be informed that my purpose of contacting you is for you to collaborate with me in this transaction because it is not easy for me to handle this transaction alone with this finance firm here in cotonou - republique of benin west africa.

Let me solicit for your confidence and trust in this transaction as it is legal, i have taken all necessary underground works in here before contacting you which has cost so much money to achieve in order to ensure that this funds are successful claim , every plan for this fund to be transferred has been made to avoid implications or hinder trace to your future (or) have any problem with any person or government on the arrival of the fund ,you will carry on your life as you dreamed you will have the paperwork to prove that you and i is in to investment with the money on transfering of this fund into any bank account you will moninate and a receipts for transactions shall be testament that you are the fund manage to invest this fund into your country privet sector and none of them will have the name of my deceased client on the arrival of the funds into your moninated account the paperwork will answer and (detour) any questions that may spring up with clever man...(men) ...that will song to follow you .

Note that the total valued deposited here is $5.6 million usd and upon our claiming of the deposits and its transfer to your position i will come to your country to meet with you for subsequent disbursement of the funds according to the agreed percentage and initiation of investment project in your country as we (share) in the mutual understanding 40 % to you while 60% for me .

Due to the recent developments in this transaction, all you should do is to comply with me to enable us mutually undertake this prospects within this period and to avoid jeopardising this transaction .so kindly contact the institution with this application text bellow so that this funds can be approve and re-transferred to your position as the beneficiary to inherite this deposit.

be strong i have my ways to execute this transaction so that both of us will have our fund invest any how we like it safe and sound good without sound abusive .Go through this application very well, re-write it and send it to this institution via email address at ; ( Address Omitted by The Therapist) or faxmail at 229-74-5845 .

please note your swift cooperation is highly needed and once again i am very grateful for your assistance in this transaction. as soon as you send it, try and call them so that they will start processing for the transfer immediately i wish to talk to you call me +229485573.fill the gaps and send it to the bank .

anticipating hear from you soonest.

yours honest,


This poor guy. I'd be tempted to send the pitiful thing a few bucks if I didn't know he was preparing to empty out my bank account:


My apologies, but the website you sent me to is requesting a retinal, right-eye scan. I would sincerely love to comply with this and help your client, but my right eye was recently stolen in an abrupt manner, and wouldn't you know it? The guy emptied out my secondary savings account because I, being the dummy, had my PIN number taped to my optical nerve.. I was really really steamed for ten minutes. You just can't leave your eye's laying around in front of God and man and think that the inherent benevolence of humanity will rule the day--that is sooo wrong.

If you can give me any ideas, I'd appreciate it.

I Love You,


High Court Uses Line Item Veto On Ten Commandments

5-4 split over divisive "Lord Thy God" clause; banned from Mt. Sinai

The US Supreme Court's split ruling today,
allowed a granite monument to remain on public
property, but denied its deferential display on Mt. Sinai.

Washington--in a 5-4 split. The United States Supreme Court utilized the line item veto to excise "specific and pointed terminology antagonistic to the court" from the Ten Commandments.

In two specific cases the Court ruled that the Commandments cannot be displayed inside a courtroom, but can exist on public property, contingent on intent.

Justice John Paul Stevens wrote for the majority opinion:

The nature of the ten biblical admonitions delivered to Moses become vacated by the all-encompassing directive in the first paragraph. The overt assumption that any entity can claim ascendancy above this court is worthy of contempt. Furthermore the stringent and somewhat absolutist cadences against stealing, lying, and killing cannot be allowed to pollute the legal processes. A secondary threat to the judicial precedent of Roe V. Wade has also been successfully argued.

The court thus rules for a generalized display near places of public business, but also precludes their display at either Mt. Sinai, or any courtroom in the American Justice System.

The court did leave wiggle room for the development of a Ten Commandments Version 3.1, by an outside, independent non-religious entity. Analysts say that this may allow for the reinsertion of some commandments—while disallowing others.

“Basically, you’re looking at a redacted granite document,” said one legal analyst. “The court, in its wisdom, had noted the societal need for sandblasters. A much leaner three commandments is most likely going to become the leveling point for this issue.”

Sunday, June 26, 2005

Email Scams Make Me All Goofy And Stuff

I, Mr. Therapist have received a bit of correspondence to which the greatest familiarity should be invoked:


I got your contact in course of my inquiry for the family tree......of my decease client who die some years back and is no one to claim his fund here in Benin republic west Africa as he failed to provide correct information when he made this deposit, I seek your help to claim the fund into your Account as you share same names with him .the reason for this is to inherit a Contracts Payment Deposits of which the Deceased left in a Finance Firm.

This request emerged last week when the Finance Firm contacted me as the Attention of my Deceased Client (perhaps for one reason or the other they have tried to contact him and was unsuccessful). However,thereupon I announced his death and protocols observed I was mandated (as the deceased's Attorney) to provide the Next of Kin to inherit the Deposits or hey will freeze "Unclaimed deposit". The deal here is that the money will be approved and remitted to you as the relation to the decease provided I will give you correct information to the deposit, I have such needed information and will hand it over to you as soonas we commence the ransaction before it declared unserviceable.

If the contents dose not meet with your personal and business ethics I apologise in advance, be assured that this will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that will protect us from any breach of the law, So if your serious and capable to undertake this offer kindly contact me now on my email with your current address telephone and fax to enable me clarify you more about this deal and the total amount involved as well give you tex application so that you will send it direct to the Finance Firmfor the approval and transfer to your position .Be warned not to reveal this deal to any third party to avoid jeopardize this transaction and my position.

Expecting your soonest response.

Yours faithfully,

Barrister. John Egobiah Esq

This is obviously a double-helixed relative of the famous "Nigerian Bank Scam." I love this scam, and the saucer-eyed sincereity galvanized in the heart of these emails.

Not wanting to disappoint the man, I responded with all speed:

Dear Barrister John,

I am sincerely interested in helping. One logistical problem I have right now is a situation that has arisen with my Grandfather. He was in employ at the Louvre, in France when he was murdered at gunpoint, at which time he left me a cryptic, hidden message on the floor in luminous paint.

I am obligated to give Interpol the deciphered, anagrammatically calibrated solution to the phrases, "O Draconian Devil, Oh Lame Saint."

These codes supposedly will lead me to a lucrative end, but I am at a loss to explain why my grandfather was found laying face up in a pentacle, with veiled references to DaVinci's "Vetruvian Man."

I have the compensatory money you seek, assuming I can mail it all in pennies.

Please let me know. Secrecy is a premium with me, too.

Dr. Thera Pist. PHD

To be updated as correspondence mandates it. . .

The Therapist

Discrepancy Cited In Child's Birthday, Party

4 year-old Clara is seen celebrating a June 26th birthday
with her sister, Emmaon June 25th, a revelation that appeared
to puzzle the child immensely.

Redding, Ca--An area daughter's birthday came under a cloud of scrutiny today, as word leaked out that a requisite birthday party may have been held a day early.

Ron G., an area entertainer and part-time blogger, admits to a June 25th birthday party for 4 year-old, Clara.

"My wife and I both plotted to do it this way," he said. "We figured a Saturday celebration would allow for more scheduling latitude on the part of the invitees."

Flags were raised when Clara, aged 4, awoke from her bed June 26th to the exultant chants of "Happy Birthday!" from her parents and sister.

"Once I saw those furrowed eyebrows, I knew the jig was up," said her dad. "We had to come clean and admit she was actually just shy of four when she was getting admonished to put her shoes back on by the Turtle Bay docent. We’ll never do that again."

Clara defended her parents, citing “No controlling chronological authority.”

Related: Area Toddler To Host Open Toilet.

Mr. Therapist Now A Contributing Editor To Huffington's Toast

Huffington's Toast has been one of my favorite places to go if I want to shoot coffee all over my monitor, while scalding my olfactory channels at the same time.

Now, some kind of tactical breakdown has allowed me to become a contributing editor.

Most of what I will be doing will come under the non-by-lined byline of REUTERS.

Keeping in mind that Reuters loves to lob their anonymous pseudo-grenades, I must also fit the matrix as well. Although, I have to try really, really hard to exceed the high water mark of absurdity set by them, just to satirize them.

I also assume that other writers will submit under the Reuters heading from time to time, so I enjoy them. There are some funny people out here.

My first installment is here.

If You Don't Believe In Scientology, You Need Your Head Examined

A special, guest editorial, by Tom Cruise

Tom Cruise
Guest Columnist

I just gotta shout it from the mountain tops: "Scientology! Scientology! Scientology!"

Whew. That felt good. And all without the help of Lucy In The Sky, Mr. Brownstone, or a pharmacological realignment of Maslow's hierarchy of Needs.

Oxycontin? Get that stuff away from me! I ain't got time to take a fast train.

Maybe you saw me try to put Matt Lauer in a full Nelson the other day. That guy has no idea what life would be like if he would just step up to the Dianetics plate and learn to deal--it's just Katie Couric--not Leviathan.

I look all around me and see my Hollywood comrades, all hung out in the town square with their therapist's approval, trying to erase the bitter stains of personal failure. Well I say "knock it off," Mary Kate and Ashley! Pick up a fork and put down that Karl Jung book you're reading. Soup's on, girls!

Really, the essence of any religion finds it’s voice in the personal testimony of its adherents, and Scientology is no different. Let me wax with you for a moment, and open my heart for all to see.

I was once an arrogant, self-serving troubadour of the Studio 54 quality, when I realized my life was empty. Empty empty empty. So empty that my empty meter atrophied and broke. Life became particularly awful for me when I realized that Dustin Hoffman couldn’t really count cards at the Blackjack table.

Then, my marriage failed. Many, many Hollywood marriages are tested in the wake of one spouse’s filming of steamy, R-rated scenes with other people. But when Nicole and I saw each other with each other in Eyes Wide Shut, it became the final straw that broke the proverbial Camel’s Back.

Proverbial PETA was also upset. They need to take a figurative chill pill.

So I crept back into the warm, safe haven of Scientology. So today, I can say that without drugs or psychological counseling, I am engaged to a big fan of Dora The Explorer, and can break into unexpected, Richter-scale quality oscillations in public.

I'm not gay.

Thank you for your time.

Thomas Mapother Cruise IV,
writing from the playground of Katie's school

Saturday, June 25, 2005

Clinton Praises Billy Graham For Depriving Arkansans Of Gospel

New York--Former President Bill Clinton spoke briefly to the assembled masses in New York, in what is believed to be the Rev. Billy Graham's last US crusade.

Clinton's remarks preceded the short sermon--noting the exponential respect he garnered for the man, when he refused to preach before a segregated audience.

"I Love this man," said Clinton. "When confronted with the chance to preach love to a people divided by rigid race delineations, this man refused. There's nothing I respect more than a man who will shirk the Great Commission."

Graham, 86, delivered a short sermon that was interrupted by applause five times. Organizers estimated 80,000 people had come to the crusade at Flushing Meadows-Corona Park in Queens. Many observers took note of Graham's frailty--particularly when he recognized the Clintons as a "great couple."

"Yeah, we're worried that little gaffe will cost us the balance of the sermon, said one Graham associate. "After that, ant statement about the immaculate conception, or Golgotha is just plain up in the air."

Graham proceeded to hail the Clintons as the "epitome of humility in marriage," and encouraged Bill Clinton to "continue walking flawlessly in Jesus' footsteps of fidelity." Graham also had kind words for Senator Clinton--also present.

"I believe God wants Hillary to be president," he said to muted applause. "Or my name isn't Oral Roberts."

Agency Accustomed To Breaching, Probing May Have Been Breached, Probed

Washington—Noting it’s own “breaching and probing acumen,” The Internal Revenue Service is investigating whether or not the tax collecting body may itself have been the focus of probes and breaches.

The US Tax agency’s database contains millions of files—including reports of suspicious activity from banks connected to potential terrorists organizations, not to mention the work-a-day information gathered on a continual basis. Officials inside the agency are not happy.

“When you are accustomed to being the one doing the breaching and probing, you never exactly find yourself existing outside your comfort bubble,” said one official. “Peering into the everyday lives of the average citizen is part and parcel of our birthright. To think that we have come under equal scrutiny by an unnamed entity—well isn’t that special?”

Some note that the investigation is an automated mechanism when red flags are raised, and that there is “no direct proof” that any of the breaching and probing was engaged in by anyone other than authorized breachers.

Many believe the intangible “status gap” between breachers and probers could have contributed to the latest reports of suspicious activity as well.

“The probe clans have ruled the kitchen for quite a while now,” said one Breacher, wishing to remain anonymous. “Sometimes you find your self Breaching, just to keep your strength up. It’s a prober’s world, and don’t let anybody tell you otherwise.”

Iranians Elect Muslim President In Startling Upset

"We could not have predicted this," say analysts

President-elect Ahmadinejad leaves the polling place with his
bodyguards, but not without physically auguring the amputations
to come under his administration.

Tehran--Shaking even the greatest political prognosticators to the core, the Iranian people handily delivered the presidential office to a Muslim in a stunning landslide victory.

"The reverberations from this will be felt for a long time," said one observer. "The adjustment to shock ratios are alone worth the observational energy."

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad defeated his rival, Ayatollah Hashemi Rafsanjani with a margin of 62.2% to 35.3 %. Though Ahmadinejad's governing style is reputed to stem from restrictive tenets of the 1979 Islamic Revolution, many believe the Iranian people operated under a combination of status quo lethargy and the fact that Ahmadinejad's name is less laborious to spell on an execution notice.

“Quite frankly, you tend to go with what you know” said one observer. If you’re going to have to watch your children be buried alive by presidential henchmen, the last thing you want to contend with is a phonetic conundrum out in the killing fields. And a middle name alone can become a millstone about one's neck.”

The little known Ahmadinejad is reputed to be a man of solid faith—so much so that many believe a substantial part of his votes came from a desire to see Iranian values exported to places previously untouched by the philanthropic hand of Islam—such as Semitic day-care centers and Kosher delicatessens. Most see Ahmadinejad as a man who wears that faith on his sleeve.

“He also wears about four pounds of faith on his vest.” Said one analyst. “One admirable thing about him is the possibility that he’s liable to spread his faith at anytime—in almost explosive terms. He has in times past, expressed a sincere burden to reach out to the Jews, and that vest of his can really come in handy.”

Friday, June 24, 2005

Therapist Not Appearing On Monday's Hannity & Colmes

Recieved a call this afternoon from someone not representing Hannity & Colmes on FOX. Check your Monday listings for the show, and be sure to catch me not being interviewed for anything.

Democrats Vow To Counter Rove Comments By Increasing Abortions

Washington--Furious democrats, still seething from Karl Rove's accusations of political wimpery during the 9/11 attacks, have vowed to counter what they call "false perceptions" by increasing abortions nationwide.

"Every slight, every backhanded compliment, and every full frontal verbal assault by Karl Rove is a direct attack on a woman's right to choose, " said California Senator Barbara Boxer. "They think they can play the slippery eel with the whole 'coward' bit. I'm not going to sit around here and watch some bespectacled right-winger reach his surreptitious hand into my uterus. I don't care if I have to haul the saline in my own Ford Ranger, I'm going to take the fight straight to the babies."

Boxer said she intended to "fly right in the face of danger," and promote promiscuous sex 'to prime the pumps for a nine-month payoff."

"Karl Rove doesn't know what he's doing when he highlights the yellow," said Boxer. "Because it makes us women see red."

Boxer said that the democrats' stand for abortion "is the real face of courage in this country."

Karl Rove could not be reached for comment, although sources say he was tied up employing an "eminent domain" clause against NOW headquarters as a backroom deal for Starbucks.

On The Radio

Just finished talking on the air with WTIC's Jim Vicevich, in Hartford Conneticut. Loyal reader LauraW noted he was reading my Ginsberg/Court/Bulldozer story, and apparently read it multiple-times on the air--and I believe both yesterday and today.

Wow. Media exposure and I get my actual point read to a giant audience . . . it's already been a good day, and it's only 9:00 AM

Mark Twain's publishing apex, and everything . . . .

Dems Cry Foul After Rove Doesn't Slam Troops

Washington--The war of the words is at conflagratory levels these days, with recent fanning being carried out by GOP Strategist, Karl Rove.

Rove's recent comments, in which he said that liberals sought "therapy and understanding" in the wake of the attacks on September 11th, 2001, is being touted as "the most" incendiary of comments yet delivered in the rapier-thrust arena of politics--primarily in how Democrats charge that Rove "deliberately and maliciously" plotted to not slam American fighting forces.

"This is of course, an outrage," said Senator Ted Kennedy. "To even premeditate such an omission is unconscionable. Where's the outrage now?"

Illinois Senator, Dick Durbin said he "knows first hand" how to go about dispensing incendiary remarks, and that Rove's non-comparing of the troops to Nazis was "part and parcel of the nefarious GOP strategy to unite Americans behind America."

DNC Chairman Howard Dean also held a small protest by flying a small 4-cycle ultra-light aircraft into inflatable towers.

"I'm going to show Mr. Rove that Rush Limbaugh doesn't run this country," he said, “Because I hate Rush Limbaugh and everything he stands for.”

Liberal groups reacted to Rove’s non-troop slamming with lightning speed—by placing “we support our troops” jock straps up for sale, on a hastily-designed website.

“We are disgusted with the GOP” said one activist. “Until this president works in a militaristic simile between the 82nd Airborne and Rommel’s Foxes, we’re not going to go away. The least he can do is say the American military is building marketable concentration-camping skills for civilian life. But will he do it? We don’t think so.”

Thursday, June 23, 2005

DC Mayor To Bulldoze Ruth Bader Ginsberg's House For Homeless Shelter

ABC 'Home Makeover' team commissioned to evict Justice

Mayor Williams, announcing the domocilic
ouster of Justice Gindsberg

Washington-In an immediate municipal action based upon the just-released ruling by the United States Supreme Court, DC Mayor Anthony Williams has announced that Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg "needs to start packing" as the city's plans for a suburban homeless shelter have finally been vetted.

Ginsberg was one of five justices who ruled that city governments may seize private property in the name of furthering beneficial municipal programs.

"We are allowing time for Ms. Ginsberg to dismantle her Bill Clinton altar, as well as her mannequal tributes to Ruth Buzzi," said Williams. "But as soon as those black robes are in the foyer, Tai Pennington's gonna pull up in that big old bus and give her the bells and whistles eviction--complete with that maudlin, fashion-crazy gay guy."

Pennington's ubiquitous megaphone will
let Justice Ginberg know when she must
get herself and her robes out to the street.

Ginsberg said she will "respect her own ruling" despite the fact that "I do not agree with it anymore."

Ginsberg is expected to get a temporary flat with fellow justice, David Souter, until she can "find somebody else to evict."

Bush May Have Used Childhood Sandbox Time To Plan Iraq War

London--A British reporter who obtained, and destroyed the infamous "Downing Street memos" now says he has it on "good authority" that Baby Bush may have had designs on Iraq, even during his toddler years.

"Childhood friends have told me that he had it all laid out," said London Times writer, Michael Smith. "Axis powers, allies, and a big, sandy X-mark that said "Nebuchadnezzar's Bunker."

Smith said that the "empirical, second-hand evidence, like this" proves that Bush was "literally born with a middle-eastern invasionary proclivity."

Many analysts believe that Smith's recollective memo's--copies from originals, which no longer exist, are the "smoking imagi-gun" that could bring down his presidency.

"These previously-existent documents are hard evidence of document destruction," noted one historian. "Now it's Bush's turn to give an explanation of what may have been on them."

"I'll bet Dan rather's kicking himself for not copying and destroying those National Guard memos," said Smith.

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

White House Proposes Printing Q'uran On American Flag

Dems say move will promote "undue supplications" to American symbol

Washington--Even as the US House of Representatives attempts to place the American Flag into a protected status against protestation burnings, the White House is proposing that all new flags be constructed to include an embroidered, Arabic text of the Q'uran.

"White House spokesman, Scott McClellan, noted that the amalgamation of American iconography and sacred literature will throw "baby boomers into a tizzy."

What are they going to do next, desecrate the Bible?" he asked. "Talk about a conflicted group. Man alive.'

Senate minority leader, Nancy Pelosi, said the incendiary notion of polluting a "peaceful and forthright example of holy literature" with "the banner of imperialism and hate."

Muslim groups also decry the proposal.

"We will rise up and pluck the eye from your infidel editorial staff," said one angry Muslim. "We will drink their blood from their ink-jet printers until you are forced to buy new cartridges."

Also: Many Recall What They Were Doing When They First Heard Of Quran Desecration

Plus, Biden's inability to pick sides.
Could the
University of Phoenix be behind the subversive tidal wave?

Wazzadem gives Durbin the "Mayberry Makeover" and Hillary's Flag-gellating penchants

PGH: New Home For Captured Terrorists

Dean Retracts "Durbin The Turban" Epithet

Washington--head of the Democratic National Committee and former governor of Vermont, Howard Dean, said he was a "bit hasty" in referring to his colleague, Illinois senator Richard Durbin as "Durbin the Turban."

"I got a little heated, after that whole bit where I tried to twist Dick Cheney's words to sound like he was talking about my mother," he said. "You get to flailing around, and now and then, you're gonna kill a few civilians."

Dean had launched the epithet on the heels of Durbin’s recent remarks, in which he compared American forces to the Nazis.

"For a single moment, it sounded like Mr. Durbin was rooting for the terrorists. I couldn't take that idea, and so I called him Durbin the Turban. But since he's apologized, I also apologize now, as my remarks are rendered moot--he appears to have removed all visible support for Al Queida."

Katie Couric Interviews Runaway Bride On Running, Awayness

Televised interview will include Wilbanks' eyelids, say insiders

Katie Couric's "go get-em" style is credited with simultaneously
answering questions related to arriving at places after a significant
run, as well as dispelling the aesthetic perceptions created by overused file photos.

New York--NBC Today Show's host, Katie Couric, has secured the first televised interview with Jennifer Wilbanks, known to the rest of the country as the "runaway bride."

Couric admits the interview, "could be the most explosive" of her career.

"Here you have this bride, who like, ran," said Couric. "Couple that with the fact that her running caused her to be away? Whoa Nelli! We're going to own Arbitron after this one."

Couric's straight-on interviewing style is credited with the burgeoning interest in the story as well.

"Katie's tenacious streak is what's going to drive this thing into stratospheric levels," said one NBC executive. “Nobody else has the guts to look this woman in the eye and say, ‘why did you run, and where did you run to?’ That kind of rat-terrier doggedness will have the armchair analysts clawing the upholstery off their La-Z-Boys.”

On insider also noted that the televised interview would show a side previously unseen by the public: the fact that Wilbanks indeed has eyelids.

“It’s our job to get these things out,” he said. ‘And nobody can elicit a bilateral display of eyelids better than Katie Couric.”

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Michael Schiavo Humorously Adds Water To Wife's Ashes At Burial

Parents mischieviously sent to wrong state. Drum, rim-shot "perfectly timed. "

Knowing full well that a simple Biblical reference would be lost on most, Michael Schiavo had Christ's words, "I Thirst," emblazoned on the bottom of the stone for comedic ambiance.

Tampa, Florida--As Michael Schiavo interred the ashes of his wife, Terri Schaivo in a Florida Cemetery, many could see his comedic side peering out through the solemnity.

Holding the urn of his wife Terri, Schiavo told the assemble crowd that he "Told the parents this would be in Pennsylvania."

"They ought to be arriving in Pittsburgh about right now," said Schiavo, to a perfectly-timed comedic rim shot by a drummer unrelated to Terri.

Schiavo then seemed to be looking furtively around the area for a while, when his face seemed to light up. “Hey, I know!” he said.

Schiavo then picked up a nearby bottle Calistoga and poured a measure of it into the ashes.

“Y’all drink!” he said in a mock southern accent. “Drink plenty of it!”

Bystanders said that Schiavo’s naturally-flowing stand-up talents were ”conspicuously ignored by the media.”

“That blasted FOX News,” said 84-year-old perfectly healthy and not threatening to the youthful future of her descendants, Ellie Melman. “Terri got all the attention. That’s like putting the attention on the produce aisle and not the grocer.”

Though a few dissidents seemed to be present, most agreed that Schiavo’s comedic star had yet to rise.

‘When I walked up to the grave marker, I almost spit out the liquidated steak I was eating,” said 24 year old Larry Mills. “Had he just put the reference to John 19:28, most would never take the occasion to look it up. But there’s just something about the words I THIRST emblazoning the bottom that hits me right in the solar plexus. This man’s a riot.”

Monday, June 20, 2005

Jackson Fans To Author "No Child's Behind Left" Act

Eliminates parental consent clause during molestation of all children by Michael Jackson

Putting feet to their prayers: These Michael Jackson supporters are taking on the role of de facto law-makers, by attempting to avail Michael Jackson to all children nationwide, through comprehensive legislation. (Photo on right the accidental courtesy of Cranky NeoCon)

Los Angeles, Ca.--Thoroughly energized by a resounding legal victory, fans of Michael Jackson are hoping to "de-mystify the chronological gulf" between adults and children, with what is being touted as the No Child's Behind Left Act.

"I want Michael to not only have access to my children, but to have access to your children as well," said one fan who would not provide his name. "It's important that Neverland be always populated with children, and there's only a finite amount out there, when you consider Mr. Jackson's pedophilic appetite."

Democratic members of Congress, already seeking to soften penalties for convicted sex offenders, promised their full support of the law, should it ever reach floor debate.

“It’s not like he’s [Michael Jackson] an insider trader or anything,” said Sen. Barbara Boxer (D-Ca.). “These are infractionary matters—and not worthy of the time spent to prevent them.”

Other provisions in the draft version of the bill would also provide for stiff penalties for anyone under the definition of parent or guardian caught sneaking children over the border in order to prevent molestation by Michael Jackson.

Scientists Create Sperm, Egg From Product Of Sperm, Egg

Breakthroughs could lead to trees from acorns, say scientists

Scientists in Denmark are hedging that they
will soon be able to create a circular, reproductive
model of things like this chick and egg.

Copenhagen, Denmark-- In developments challenging the very sovereignty of God, scientists in the United Kingdom have proved that they can develop in the laboratory into the early forms of cells that eventually become eggs or sperm.

Their secret? Embryonic stem cells--the product of eggs and sperm.

"This is the kind of staggering, creative breakthrough we've been looking for, " said Dr. Lying T. Hue. "Like the veritable magician, or even God himself, we have stumbled on to the key to creating life."

Hue also noted that the theoretical paradigm of using life to create other life is a "new and uncharted" territory.

"Based our preliminary academic models,” said Hue, “we are on track to extract early-stage, self-contained embryonic containers from the common chicken, and could quite possibly turn this around to produce more chickens, thus creating a self-perpetuating wheel for the poultry industry.”

Other analysts see a future in which grandiose-sized oak tress could emerge from something as simple and negligible as the common acorn.

“The axe of reason is laid at the root of Intelligent Design,” said one observer. “We have created man out of theoretical dirt.”

There was no comment as to the origin of the dirt.

Sunday, June 19, 2005

Senate Dems Hold Mock Election, Mock Landslide, In Partisan Conclave

Dean Complains of Sen. Byrd's "mock lynching" of Condi

Sen. Byrd's senate colleagues are worried that his
"passionate" opposition to working under articulate black
women could hurt their chances in upcoming fake elections.

Washington--Noting the resounding success of house democrats' "basement impeachment" of the President, Senate democrats held a mock election, in which they actually won an election.

"It felt good to have faux mass appeal again," said Sen. Joe Biden (D-Del.), "There is something entirely therapeutic about having your vitriol manifest itself in a sudden upwelling in the electorate."

Biden admits that the votes taken were comprised entirely of left-of-center friends; the ACLU, the AFLCIO, and the secular Jewish B'nai Brith--just to name a few.

"We did B'nai for diversity," said one source. Conyers wouldn't even have the B'naiers in the House vote, He's got a bit of an edge when it comes to his neighbors having a nicer car, or having his indignation drawn and quartered by androgynous Attorney Generals."

Former Vermont Governor, Howard Dean, who objected to some of the anti-Semitic literature dispersed at the House conclave, also noted that West Virginia senator, Robert Byrd’s effigy lynching of Condoleeza Rice was “an honest mistake.”

“We’ve got to focus on winning fake elections,” he said. “And we’re going start losing our own elections unless Byrd moves his hide-a-gallows out of the senate chamber.”

The election resulted in Senate democrats assuming control over 92 senate seats, with the republicans keeping the seats occupied by John McCain –(AZ), Mike Dewine (OH), Olympia Snowe (ME), Susan Collins (ME), Lincoln Chafee (RI), John Warner (VA), Lindsey Graham (SC ), and Arlen Specter (Penn.)—all which were instrumental in the Senate compromise on filibusters with the exception of Specter.”

“Specter’s our chief switch-hitter,” said one democrat. “Losing him would cause the kind of feelings in our august body that Sen. Byrd would have with Al Jolson for a housekeeper.”

Update: Michelle Malkin just posted a link to this washington post story on Byrd's KKK history, and his attempts to downplay it.

Saturday, June 18, 2005

And Now A Letter From A Concerned Citizen . . .

Despite the fact that I am patiently waiting to be vetted by for some piece of tripe I've written, I do not enjoy the occasional and heart-rending misunderstandings that stem from a satirical disconnect.

I present to you, the following email, with my subsequent reply, regarding my recent bit about Dean using an Alzheimer's-ridden puppet to mock Charlton Heston:


Please tell me this is false. I cannot ever imagine making fun of someone with Alzheimer’s as I have lost family members and it is horrible.

If this is true please spread this around to have more coverage. I really think Dean is a mental case.

Thanks.(Name omitted)

Assuming the anecdotal stuff is true, I feel bad. But I have no way of knowing, so my reply is of course to the point and devoid of anguish:

Dear -----

It is false. It is a satire, and an artistic projection of what he might say, should his demons gain any more control over his synapses.

But do I think he's capable? Absolutely. ABC News is blaming the republicans for the man's remarks now. The link is here: Dems, Dean Hit in Message War.

Lastly, I hope Dean is around for a long time. He's doing for the left what a ball peen hammer did for Jeffery Dahmer.


Now, I draw attention to my complete lack of compassion in the email, because I am suspicious that this is a quid pro quo from the Dean people, to whom I sent the following, reporting myself:

To Whom It May Concern,

I am concerned about something I saw this morning on this blog

The Blog claims that Mr. Dean was making fun of Charlton Heston's Alzheimer's disease. If this is true, then I am removing all support, moral and otherwise, from any future Howard Dean endeavor's. I will also resign from what is still a local, fledgling upstart support group. This is appalling behavior, and I've had a hard enough time swallowing the recent remarks about Christians--much less a tasteless digression into mocking degenerative brain illnesses.

I wish we Democrats could curtail our righteous indignation until the right words come to us. Making fun of the infirm, no matter how reprobate their ideas, will never sit well with me, or my family.

D. Giesecke, Democrats for Dean,
Redding, California

Unless Barbara Boxer is heading up Dean's nerve-center than they probably figured out I was trying to raise their hackles myself. Either way, I have no idea whether they've blown me off, or whether they've played the slippery eel with me.

But I'm not taking any chances.

McCain Recommends Mastercard To Head Up Homeland Security Office

Washington--Arizona Senator, John McCain, suggested today that MasterCard International's recent exposure of 40 million credit card accounts gives them the "experiential edge" to head up America's #1 counter-terrorist office.

"I believe on-line nakedness, and the informational hemorrhaging in MasterCard’s database provides the kind of experience needed to keep terrorist out of the United States," he said. "When your entire industry is full of holes, that means you know how to manage holes. And believe me, I know a hole-ridden entity when I see it."

McCain's proposal, which would theoretically make it easier for terrorist groups to enter the country, has its cynical detractors close behind.

"He's just jockeying for democratic votes," said 24 year-old Nate Ashbury. "I'm not buying it until I see the carnage in my own back yard--I doubt that'll happen until a real democrat gets elected.

Recent polls have indicated that terrorists will make no tangible headway, until a democratic administration is in power.

"Clinton would have never engaged in the kind of military stonewalling Bush has, with his mad dash to stop terrorism," said Ashbury. "This rush to freedom makes me sick."

Apparently I'm A Wetland

If anyone out there knows how I can get my TTLB Ecosystem rating to read the hyperlinked, Large Mammal that I am, please fill me in, cause I aint gettin' it.

Email me here if you know what's missing . . .

ABC News: Karl Rove Controlling Howard Dean's Mouth By Remote Control

Dean's trademark acid-tongue may not be his own.
ABC News has uncovered evidence that his most
recent offenses may be originating from a makeshift
broadcast location.

Washington—Howard Dean's remarks in recent history, including ones where he says he "hates republicans," "republicans have never made an honest living," and "The republicans are a white Christian party" have not fared so well in the republican arena.

ABC News' investigative powers have now shown why.

"We are not sure as to the exact mechanisms employed," said one ABC News insider. "But The GOP is somehow in control of certain neurological switches within the brain of Howard Dean. These remarks, though emanating from Dean's mouth, are the brainchildren of Karl Rove."

Other analysts note that Dean's uncharacteristic and indirect defense of Israel was also another “cleverly-timed gaffe,” that evaporates the effectiveness of the DNC Chairman, who could be rallying the grassroots democrats instead of making “public over-corrections” to counteract each and every gaffe.

“Now, he’s gonna have to go to a black Baptist church one day, and eat strudel out of a yarmulke the next,” said one analyst. “The guy just can’t win.”

Friday, June 17, 2005

Ayman Al-Zawahiri Urges Those Already Killing People To Kill People

Ayman Al-Zawahiri, shown here in this file photo,
is credited with formulating the greatest surprise attack
yet visited upon American forces: killing.

Al-Qaeda’s #2 man and deputy to Osama Bin Laden, Ayman Al-Zawahiri, urged Muslim extremists already engaged in the wholesale slaughtering of innocents, to kill people.

"We are of course alarmed by this climactic shift in policy," said one senior Pentagon spokesperson. "Now these people have lowered themselves to the reprehensible and senseless level of killing more people."

Most analysts agree that tenacious Muslim adherents bent on killing more people could result in the death of people as well.

"One thing is for certain," said one analyst. "It takes the sheer intelligence of a cognitive genius to pull this off. Taking those of your people already engaged in the killing process, and asking them to engage in the process of killing others--brilliant!"

Others fear that the United States has been outflanked yet again, blindsided with what is being referred to as the "killing tactic."

"The American brain is no match for these people," said one observer. "That is why sheer military prowess is our only hope against these geniuses

Cuban Government Discovers Mass Air-Conditioner Grave Outside Guantanamo

The Cuban government is already reburying
tens-of-thousands of disfigured, mutilated air
conditioning units.

Cuba—The Cuban government announced today, that an excavation meant for burying Cuban dissidents alive inadvertently unearthed “tens of thousands” of freon-based air-conditioning units.

The discovery also appears to buttress claims by Illinois Senator Dick Durbin, that repeated “on and off” torture techniques with regard to temperature-reducing devices are an organic part of the American prisoner-treatment program.

“I cannot begin to describe the initial photographs I have seen,” says Durbin. “But I will say that the images of emaciated, dirt-clogged coolant grills and frayed electrical cords is something that will haunt me for a long, long time.”

Durbin then apologized to Castro’s government for, “ the atrocious and dehumanizing intrusion by American forces into the time-honored machinations of Cuba” by virtue of the grim discovery.

“I personally apologize for this embarrassing interference into your soverign, microcosmic genocidal procedures,” he said.

Other democratic leaders called for an immediate investigation into what is now being called “Appliance-Gate.”

Jon Bon Jovi Still Recalls Million Faces, Rocking All

This circa-1987 photo shows road-weary
Bon Jovi before his famed "face-rocking"
entered into the seven figure range.

Trenton, NJ—Singer/songwriter Jon Bon Jovi, of the group Bon Jovi, says he can “still recall” the million faces he’s seen, all of which he has “rocked.”

“It’s all the same,” he said. “only the names have changed.”

Bon Jovi says this phenomenon happens "everyday", but that it seems they’re “wasting away.”

The singer also notes that different performance venues can produce faces that “are so cold, I drive all night, just to get back home.”

As road life continues to take its toll on the minds and health of younger performers, Bon Jovi admits to certain, experiential acclimations.

“Sometimes I sleep,” he said. “Sometimes it’s not for days. The people I meet, always go their separate ways.”

He does say that the fatigues and redundancies of town-to-town itinerancy can manifest itself in “certain idiosyncrasies.”

“Sometimes you tell the day by the bottle that you drink,” he said. “But sometimes when you’re all alone—all you do is think.”

Bon Jovi admits to being a “cowboy” who mounts a “steel horse.”

“I’m wanted,” he says. “Dead or alive.”

The singer notes that he also “walks these streets,” with a “loaded six-string on my back.” Playing for keeps, a part of Bon Jovi’s road credo also entering in when he notes, “I might not make it back.”

“I’ve been everywhere,” said Bon Jovi. “And I’m standing tall.”

Guitarist Richie Sambora piped in with an affirming “Oh yeaaaah.”

Thursday, June 16, 2005

Fellow Dems Demand Apology After Durbin Compares Communists To Nazis

Washington--Top democratic leaders, including senate minority leader, Nancy Pelosi, demanded an immediate retraction by Illinois Senator Dick Durbin, in which he compared the Former Soviet Union and communism to the "juggernaut of Nazism."

"This is a reprehensible employment of the Nazi card," said Pelosi. "The similarities are so remote this barely deserves the attention it's being given. Well, I guess there are the mass graves, the tactical separation of families, and the burying of people alive to save bullets. But beyond that these comments are divisive and corrosive in a time when we need to band together to defeat baby-killer Bush."

Durbin has unapologetically compared American forces with those in the Third Reich, and has even referred to the detention facility at Guantanamo Bay as a "death camp."

“These projections fall within the scope of senate decorum,” said Pelosi. “But to make statements to the effect that Stalin was like Hitler, and the Khmer Rouge was microcosmic mirror to the Third Reich is just going too far. We will not stand for it, and censure is not off the table at this point, unless some serious soul-searching is engaged in by our misguided colleague.”

Durbin has indicated he is “considering” a public retraction of his comments critical of communism—which include the donning of sackcloth and ashes, the monotonic recitation of 150 “Hail Politburos”, and the compensatory comparison of Jesus to Adolf Hitler.

I am a broken man today,” Said Durbin. “If I believed in Hell, I know I’d be going there.”

(A hearty welcome to all new readers via Michelle Malkin)

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Schiavo Autopsy Report: Broken Femurs A Natural Side-Effect Of Brain Damage

Pinellas-Pasco Medical Examiner Jon Thogmartin is concerned
that "non-medically-inclined" people will misinterpret this 1991
bone scan to mean that broken femurs, ribs and ankles are anything
other than the natural components of extended bed time

Pinellas County, Fla.--breathing a collective sigh of relief, Michael Schiavo and his legal team trumpeted the "true and scientific exculpatory nature" of forensic medicine, as Terri Schiavo's long-awaited autopsy report was released today.

"Finally, the vagaries of medical opinion from those who no nothing of medicine can just go away," said Michael Schiavo. "And all your conspiracy theories as to how all those bones were broken are, well, a part of the ash-heap of history."

The report, issued by Pinellas-Pasco Medical Examiner Jon Thogmartin contains “significant redundancies” which generally accompany the forensic report of others whose deaths have resulted from natural causes.

“There is nothing in this report, or in anything I observed, that would indicate even a modicum of foul play,” said Thogmorton. “People lying in persistent vegetative states routinely break the strongest bones in their bodies, through the ergonomically-dangerous act of vigorous laying.”

A 1991 bone scan of Schiavo's body showed a broken femur, as well as ankles and ribs.

Critics of Michael Schiavo and the legal processes leading up to his wife’s death claim that broke femurs are a “significant anomaly worthy of further investigation.”

“And this is why they are not doctors,” said Thogmorton. “Broken Femurs are a direct side effect of compromised neurological conditions. Pregnancy is another, but fortunately Michael . . .I mean Terri did not manifest those symptoms.

The report is expected to put to rest all allegations that Terri was abused by her husband.

Insurgents Could Be Interrogating Captives With Music By Cat Stevens

Pentagon officials are concerned that elimination of all extant
recordings of Stevens' music"would not be good enough."
Many believe that insurgents have hedged their tactics with
individual acoustic guitar lessons

Baghdad--Members of Iraq's ragtag insurgency are denying reports that civilian and military captives are being subjected to the entire musical catalo of Yusef Islam--known previously to the civilized world as Cat Stevens. A recently obtained audio tape seems to indicate that, at the very least isolated incidents of such techniques may have been used in the past.

"This is preposterous and bad," said one unidentified insurgent. "We admit to eviscerations, disembowelment, eye-gougings, tongue -removals, and our all time favorite throat-slittings. To say that we would ever subject even the vilest of infidels to the high-pitched, dissonant and banal acoustic ballads of Mr. Stevens is an accusation that requires a fatwa on the heads of those who utter it."

The report comes on the heel of earlier reports that part of the interrogation process at Guantanamo Bay includes repeated exposure to loop MP3s of Christina Aguilera.

“We do object to our pilgrims being exposed to such lasciviousness,” said the spokeman. “But even at that rate, to say that we would even venture to play Ooh Baby Baby It’s A Wild World for another human being flies in the face of reason. Allah will prove his greatness against the cacophonous Cat Stevens, God willing.”

Initial reports, though sketchy, came from broken audio tapes, transcribed here:

(Background noise, voices) “So you think the Geneva convention applies well it gonna be . . (unintelligible . . . . clicking . . .acoustic guitar, intro)

la la la la la la la la la la,

la la la la la la la la la la,

la la la la la la la la la . . .

now that I’ve lost everything to you (screaming “Please! I beg of you!”)

you say you wanna start something new, (wails, and pleading)

but it’s breaking my heart you’re leaving, baby I’m grieving(click)

”what’s it going to take, infidel?” (long pause . . . click)

If you’re gonna leave, take good care,

hope you have a lot of nice things to wear (click, voices)

“Am I going to have to play the chorus (faint sound of whimpering and taunting . . .click)


It’s hard to get by, just upon a smi--(tape ends abruptly)

The Pentagon said they are taking the tapes "very seriously," and President Bush expressed "grave concern" for those in the path of Steven's caterwauling compositions. Those inside the Pentagon admit that the wholesale elimination of Stevens' music will most likely translate into the insurgency's diversification--primarily with acoustic guitar lessons.

"Anybody can download a Fake Book off the internet," said one source. "An almost unspeakable horror, and one we wish had never entered the realm of possibility."

Roundup On The Awful Subject Of Pedophiles

Unfortunately, my style of blogging makes this subject somewhat of an unapproachable Rubicon in the land of Taboo.

Yet, I cross it.

If people new to this blog think my tasteless approach to the Michael Jackson acquittal is a fly-by-night attempt to Google my way into traffic, you're mistaken. This is a subject I broached a long time before Gollum was acquitted of playing baby bartender at NeverLand Ranch, back when the day-to-day banalities of the trial became as plaid and abstract as an arhythmic spin-cycle at a laundromat.

In that light, I give you an itemized reprise of my passions about these people, and the way society continues to hold children liable for the bad checks written by the adults who are supposed to protect them. I also believe the real issue behind these satirical forays should be apparent--in spite of the black thread of irony that runs through them:

Cartilaginous, Marbly-Skinned Hermaphrodites Underrepresented On Jackson Jury

Paroled Child Molester Given 25 Years For Spamming

Defense Cites "Millions Of People Not Molested By Jackson" As Basis For Acquittal

Lawmakers Relieved As Florida Girl's Abduction, Rape, Murder Deemed Not A Hate Crime

Nation's Judges Issue Dire Warning To Sex Offenders: You Will Be Caught And Released

Accuser Now Says He Molested Michael Jackson

I was going to throw in the story I did about John McCain having his own children appraised on Antiques Roadshow as part of the pantheon, but I won't--regardless of the fact that his "deal" with senate democrats virtually guarantees the retention of judges that love to provide moving vans and expunged records for baby rapers.

Proximity is as good as complicity when it comes to him, but I'm not in the mood to find the link.

The Therapist

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Tenacious Juror #5 Credited With Convicting Snapping Fingers Despite Frivolous Molestation Charges

Spunky septuagenarian tells wrong-way traffic to 'go to hell' on way home

79-year-old Ellie Cook said "Michael Jackson could have attempted to conssumate with the accuser in the courtroom," and she would have dismissed the charge because of his mother's "senior-phobic" demeanor.

Santa Maria Ca.--79 year old Ellie Cook knew exactly what she was doing when she helped acquit accused singer, Michael Jackson.

"I listened to the testimony, "she said. "The luring, the sedentary effects of alcohol, the preparatory behavior. The hard core pornography. The lewd and lascivious acts. All the signs were there, and I believed them--but you don't sit near me, with your son's posterior in my legal purview, and give me a fresh look--cause I'll make those tiny glutes famous, sunshine."

Cook noted that a local Denny's had neglected to give her an unsolicited senior discount, and that the incident "played only a minor role" in ignoring the accuser's claims of being Jackson’s wanton, DNA receptacle.

"It was that little chick that blew it for the boy," she said. "Come up with a sideways glance toward the Santa Maria Sanhedrin, and it's Vitiligo Vertigo for the Gav-man, honey.”

Cook's tenacious mettle, while not enough to make her foreman, duly impressed her colleagues nonetheless.

"I was absolutely stunned," said juror # 10. "Charge after charge; molestation, preparatory alcohol distribution, lewd contact, the works. Ellie was unflappable. I could hear her remind herself that the mother's attitude was the issue. She's the true iron woman."

Cook's reputation continued, as she buckled up into to her 1974 Volvo and wrongly headed south in a northbound lane.

"See? Listen to that cursing," said Juror # 10. "Even now I can hear her say, I don't care if the accuser has a Jackson-funded man-port installed on that fanny, his mother's gonna have to eat that precocious smirk all the way to her kid's head shrink. You don't treat me like a dog, missy"

Cook is expected to activate her dormant plans for a book, tentatively titled, Sass Your Grandma? Let's Take A Little Walk Through The Megan's Law Database.

Katie Holmes Not Worried Tom Will Leave Her For Second-Trimester Fetus

Runors in and around Hollywood say Tom Cruise's roving eye could have him reaching out for embryonic company while away from his stated love, Katie Holmes. Both Cruise and Holmes dispute the veracity of "such trash." Most believe anything earlier than a second-trimester relationship "absurd."

Los Angeles—Radiating in the rapturous glow of new love, actress Katie Holmes told interviewers this week that she has “absolutely no worries” about existing in the third trimester of existence.

Some have intimated that the comparatively older boyfriend, Tom Cruise, could become restless yet again, and seek the company of a younger woman.

“You just can’t listen to the tabloids,” she said. "They’re constantly digging through your garbage, and placing you in situations you were never in. Believe it or not, they’ve got Tom over there in Europe looking at ultrasound data right now. He’s doing business, people. Get a life!”

Holmes continued to answer question regarding her reported conversion to Scientology—the fervent belief system to which Cruise has been an adherent for many years.

“I like it,” she said.” Especially when I get to look at gametes under the microscope. In fact, that’s what he’s doing over there in Europe, meeting with some friend of his named, I think Duvall Helix, or something like that.”

Holme's youthful confidence is glaringly apparent.

"It's like he knew me before I even knew who he was," she said. "But Tom still; had to look past the petrie dish and see me for who I really am. And that's why I love him so much."

Monday, June 13, 2005

Michael Jackson To Celebrate At Chuck E. Cheese

Santa Maria, Ca.—Acquitted of all ten charges ranging from the distribution of alcoholic substances to minors to child molestation, a relieved and quietly celebratory Michael Jackson headed to Chuck E. Cheese, entourage in tow.

A family spokesperson said that Jackson “was absolutely insistent on privacy, especially in the jumping-ball play set.”

“He just wants to be alone”said the spokesperson. “He’d just prefer to float freely through various tabled birthday parties, dispensing tokens and gyrating with the mechanical mouse ensemble.”

Single mothers with dubious parental skills are said to have flooded NeverLand ranch with overt requests to have their children occupy Jackson’s bed, “just as soon as the radiating glare of Tom Sneddon’s hatred is finally abated.”

UPDATE: Tenacious Juror #5 Credited With Convicting Snapping Fingers Despite Frivolous Molestation, Intoxicant Charges (warning: this will offend some, so be warned)

New Consolidated Anti-Virus Program Also Makes Viruses

Analysts agree that Microsoft's complementary
software is a significant gamble, but will most likely
pay big dividends, as outside virus creators will be
forced to find other kinds of damage to inflict.

New York--Hoping to shore up the virus/antivirus market, Microsoft will be introducing "amalgamation software" that simultaneously creates new viruses as it excoriates others.

And Bill Gates could not be happier.

"For years, I've studies the nature of matter and antimatter," he said. "Aleister Crowley's As Above, So Below bromide has been a major, driving influence on my thinking. Marry those ideals with the classic Yin and Yang with a hint of Feng Sui, and you've got the answer: antivirus software that creates, and then reverse engineers it's own malicious code."

Market analysts agree.

"We have before us again, the sheer brilliance that has put Mr. gates where he is now," said Peter Pedig, economics professor at Loyola Marymount University. "Consolidation is the key, and this epitomizes the concept right down to the threshing floor, where Joe Average deals with deleterious viruses everyday on his PC."

When asked what the implications the program could mean for peripheral commerce, Pedig prognosticates freely.

"I'll hedge two years that the Big Mac will come boxed with a disposable angioplasty kit," he said. "After that, it's anybody's guess--maybe heroin-flavored methadone."

Microsoft is expected to release the complementary product in July or August.

Sunday, June 12, 2005

Still Engaged In Serious Writ At Ace's

But since you're here, this is what I've posted over there:

Howard Dean And The Automated Blasting Cap

At the risk of sounding like a platitudinous ditto machine, I’m going to do it. I’ve contemplated long enough now, edged my feet towards the abyss of cliché-dom. I’ve supplicated Bartlett’s in sackcloth and ashes.

I’ve even given this some outright thought. Still, cavalierly searing my literary conscience for the sake of a single, political, tactical point, I’m going to slide right to the precipice of perdition, and just do it.

I’m going to quote from The Art of War. Sorry.

Sun Tsu’s been dead what, 2,400 years? Law & Order and every other pseudo-intellectual piece of rotten cinema, this poor guy can’t just lay there and decompose without some upstart script writer drawing dubious parallels between his book and the fine art of getting baby-rapers to cop a plea. Nevertheless, I wax:

“If you wait by the river long enough, the bodies of your enemies will come floating by.”

I specifically reference the incendiary and sometimes outright pyrotechnic helmsmanship of one Howard Dean.

I was happy to see that the most recent democratic response to Dean’s appalling comments was one of embracing them, as opposed to the polite and frigid recoil I was expecting. This—is why I reached into the tired clauses of Sun Tsu, and feel quoting him was worth abrogating my credibility as a writer—despite the fact that most of my own writing heretofore does that for me anyway.

We sit in a wonderful, yet precarious position with Dean. Everytime the man opens his mouth in public, he provides the blogosphere, the media, and the GOP the kind of crimson delicacy a bleeding geriatric provides their “non-descript and passive pit bull companion.” This is exactly what made Tom Daschle so dangerous: bodies everywhere, blood throughout the house, and the only witness is a semi-conscious rat-terrier trying to cut a deal.

I know I’ve had my share of gratuitous fun with the man. In my satirical sphere, I’ve had him reaching out to evangelical Satanists. I’ve portrayed him as a guy who “slipped” and threatened to kill the entire Republican Party. I had the DNC issuing preemptive apologies for “upcoming Dean remarks” the day after they elected him. I’ve also had him levitating from a Georgetown bed in demonic rapture and—my own favorite—had him stating that Sodom and Gomorrah were his favorite apostles, shortly after his biblical gaffe in which he said the book of Job was part of the New Testament.

But lately I’ve been thinking about the idea of “waiting by the river.” Up to now, Dean’s lycanthropic tirades have elicited laughter in some circles and outrage in others. All reactions are correct, but what would happen if all parties reacted in concert, and with sufficient force? That’s right. The Democrats would throw him out.

And this is what I am personally hoping to prevent.

The Bush campaign blew it when it looked like Dean was going to be the nominee: they publicly and quotably registered their glee. And the next week came the “scream”-- an auditorial anomaly born of nothing other than the hypersonic enthusiasm of his supporters coupled with the ambient flukes common to unidirectional microphones. Yes, the scream is funny, but I’ve heard plenty of other recordings of that same event, and Dean’s scream was not only comparatively equal to the arena, it was no more anomalous to the event than a dead campaign volunteer in Ted Kennedy’s car. Once the Bush people displayed their actual preference for Dean over Kerry, it was the political equivalent of giving the man a hemlock enema—courtesy of Peter Jennings. It was the media that took Dean out. Not his flailing dulcet tones. And if they figure out we like him where he is they’ll do it again.

So in short, I believe it would be useful to lay there and act like we are afraid of the man, and his ideas. Not with the kind of pathetic “death throes” acting from silent movies, but the kind that seems to be slowly roasting in the white-hot spectral power of Dean’s acerbic wit. Let him vociferate, fulminate, seethe, denounce, mock, blaspheme, and peel forth with the most offensive remarks those dark gastrointestinal bilge-pumps can siphon. It’s all like watching a melanoma grow on the back of your sex-offender neighbor; You think pointing it out is the right thing to do, but your children will benefit greatly from your muted and cryptic stoicism from over the hedge.

A Howard dean doesn’t come along every day. Let’s keep him around as long as possible. Let the Democrats wallow in their rhetorical contact high, and get behind the wheel.

And let’s make sure the political deaths are the result of natural causes.

Saturday, June 11, 2005

Guest Blogging At Ace's

I guess I could have posted this earlier. I am one of a small cadre of trustees, whom Ace has trusted with his blog while he deals with a bereavement.

Right then, I learned that even a guy with the ridiculous traffic he garners still worries that an unblogged blog will require a precordial thump before its heart starts beating again.

Until today, I've posted nothing of substance. Then I wrote this in a quasi-analytical fit of media hatred.

Some of my friends are over there, too. Go check it out.

Friday, June 10, 2005

Dean Mocks NRA Membership With Alzheimer's Puppet

Faux repartee with forgetful Charlton Heston effigy receives standing ovation from Democrats

Howard Dean set his democratic compatriots on fire with
his effigal portrayal of a deteriorating Charlton Heston,
through the use of staged conversation with the addled puppet.
Dean is noted for his controversial remarks about the GOP.

Washington-- Capitalizing on his already-controversial incendiary tirade against the Republicans, Democratic national Committee chairman, Howard dean, left a room full of democratic VIP in helpless laughter.

Speaking directly to a puppet he called "Guessin' Hestin," Dean reiterated a faux conversation between Charlton Heston and the NRA membership through the use of "artistic projection."

Artistic projection is known in show business circles as the taking of editorial license to assume "what ifs" within the course of an artistic creation.

Howard Dean left no satirical stone unturned.

"Hello, my name is Guessin Hestin" said Dean through visibly clenched jaws. "And they can have my gun when they pry it from my cold, dead DVD player."

Dean's less-than-veiled reference to Heston's deteriorating condition in the shadow of Alzheimer's disease was not lost on the audience.

"I almost peed my pants, I was laughing so hard" said Senator Robert Byrd (D-W-Va). "There's nothing I appreciate more than the opportunistic movement of the ambulatory and strong against the weak and disadvantaged. That bit’s funnier than a burning cross at the Cosby household.” Byrd added, “Actually I just now peed my pants anyway."

Other Democrats, not wanting to go on the record, noted the medicianl effects of Dean's comedy on them.

"This is better than pot laced with Phencycladin," said one.

Dean went on to show the puppet attempting to negotiate the floor plan of it's own house, repeatedly misidentifying familiar objects with others.

"Hesty, are you going to hide your own Easter eggs this year," asked Dean. The sounds of paroxysmal laughter only augmented by the blank, non-responsive stare of the puppet; Dean’s puppet only looking around like nothing happened.

"I guess that's a yeeeess!," said Dean while winking at his DNC constituency, most on the floor trying to breathe in the wake of what seemed like an endless fits of laughter.

Dean is expected to make a series of "Guessin' Hestin" speeches before retiring the bit.

"I've got more than this in me," he says. "Actually I had worked up a two-handed bit that involved a brief stem cell debate between Christoper Reeve and Charlton Heston, but, well you know where that all went. Besides, trying to compassionately keep your left hand on a ventilator while making your right hand wander the neighborhood in aimless abandon is a task for those with more endurance than I have. I'm just not that good."

Related Story: Howard Dean Levitates From Bed, Demands To See Father Karras

Thursday, June 09, 2005

American Medical Journal Now Says Drinking Hydrochloric Acid Good For You

Report also touts the benefits of hemlock, paint fumes

New York-- The American Medical Journal published a report on Wednesday, stating that claims of "severe and caustic esophageal damage" by anti Hydrochloric acid groups are "highly overstated."

"There is a tendency in America to see the bad in things," said the article, entitled A Spoonful of Accelerant. "The rigid iconoclasm of the Food and Drug Administration sets a bad example for all of the good things to be had."

The report specifically takes to task the "misconceptions" so often associated with the vigorous swilling of corrosive chemicals--primarily the inability to swallow and digest one's own neck.

"First they told us eggs were good for you," said one observer. "Then they go off and say your arteries would congeal within ten feet of a chicken farm. Now they've got me believing that I won't be healthy unless I pump a daily syringe of adipose directly into my carotid artery. I just can't win. I'm not letting them spoil a cup of deleterious toxins because they want to be iconoclasts at the expense of my happiness."

Pro HCA groups agree.

"You've got the heavy machinations of the synthetic chemical industry really pushing a thumb on the roulette wheel," said one organic Hydrochloric Acid producer. "They're the ones who don't want this out, especially when they know that the report also supports the wanton sniffing of paint fumes, along with the imbibing of Hemlock to reduce pain. They can’t stand the competition."

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Kerry's Newly-Released Records Suspiciously Omit Moonraker Cameo

Despite Kerry's tartuffian, ivy-league grooming, many are able to draw a direct link between Kerry at Yale, and Kerry chewing through triple-corded hemp in an attempt to kill a womanizing british spy. Kerry's newly-released records conspicuously attest to no such activity.

Washington--It would seem that Senator John Kerry can't weather a break, even when he signs the papers necessary to release his personal records. Critics note that despite Kerry’s recent release to the Boston Globe, the information previously unattainable before SF-form 180.

"Sometimes the important thing will not be what's in the documents. but what's left out" said one anonymous source at the Globe. "And this thing is a time-bomb ready to blow Kerry's political future out the water completely."

Sources indicate that Kerry’s cameo appearance as the ominous "Jaws" in the 1979 movie, Moonraker, was "redacted, with malice and aforethought."

"It's bad enough that the blowhard went around associating himself with heroes—not to mention that whole Cambodia riff," said the source. "Now, the very freedom of information Kerry has invoked could link him to one of the most atrocious acting spots ever commissioned by Hollywood."

A spokesperson for Kerry said that the senator "never went within a ten-foot pole's reach" of either James Bond’s 1979 incarnation, Roger Moore, or actor Richard Kiel—the man whose name appears in the credits in Moonraker, as well as all subsequent reemergences of the character in sequels.

"Kerry was on a secret recon mission in Saigon," said the spokesperson.

Still, even some of Kerry's friends in Hollywood think the story could have legs.

"Look, trying to undermine the country with a gaping double-standard towards war, that's one thing," said actress Pia Zadora. "One bad movie can take you right down irretrievably. Believe me I know."

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

Court's Marijuana Ruling Could Have "Chilling Effect" On Media Watergate Nostalgia

Washington Post claiming 98% "internal Glaucoma pandemic"

While many would agree that high-grade marijuana is unneeded when searching for aesthetic similarities beween Bernstein and Hoffman, Washington Post reporter Bob Woodward says he needs to "have one burning strong" to bring out the latent, semitic traits in Robert Redford, in his movie portayal of him.

Washington--The landmark Supreme Court ruling against state medical marijuana use is already reverberating through the nation. Nowhere is this more apparent than in the American press pool.

Just when we are getting our heads on over this Deepthroat guy," said Former CBS news correspondent and aide to Lyndon Johnson, Bill Moyers. "Then this right-wing cabal has to go of and have the courts force me into involuntary nausea."

Moyers said reminiscing about Watergate "Just isn't the same" without the presence of "hardcore saturated chronic" in the circle of nostalgia.

"I think of it sort of like the Christian values communion," he said. "Except we get really, really high. Besides, it’s easier to envision Richard Nixon roasting over a stygian, eternal fire with the spit handle cranked by Alger Hiss when you’ve got the Gonga.”

The infamous duo of Woodward & Bernstein said they too, have “personal reasons” for needing medicinal marijuana.

“First of all, it makes trying to get Carl over to the house easier,” said Woodward. “We like to put on our plaid, long-sleeved shirts, sit down together at a desk, and look like the weight of the world is on our shoulders—you know the only pose anyone remembers from the movie?”

Woodward was referring to the 1976 movie, All The President’s men—based on the book by the same name.

Carl Bernstein added, “Bob’s right.”

Bob Woodward also admits that the presence of marijuana also make Robert Redford look Jewish.

When I’ve got one burning at the typewriter, I can see why the casting decision was made to put him in my stead.” He said. “It’s also very important that this movie be kept in its proper, historical context. And since marijuana was the veritable prism through which my generation viewed everything, there needs to be some legal reprieve for, at the very least Washington Post reporters to acquire pot. The Watergate legacy cannot survive baby-boomer sobriety.”

lawyers for the Washington Post filed a brief with the Court this morning, stating that 98% of the relevant staff at time-honored journal is afflicted with Glaucoma.

There is no word on when a ruling could be handed down for such exclusions.

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