Friday, February 18, 2005

Howard Dean: "My Favorite Apostles Are Sodom And Gomorrah"

Washington--Still reeling from an embarrassing statement in which he labeled the book of Job a part of the New Testament, DNC Chairman, Howard Dean made great pains to ameliorate the issue by displaying an uncanny adroitness for biblical knowledge. Speaking to the National League of Democratic God Glommers, Dean held forth.

Dean, acknowledging a fellow
bible-scholar in the crowd. He
compared his own forward-looking
mettle to that of Lot's wife "in the book
of Hezekiah."

"It's easy to confuse any one of the Bible's 94 books," he said. "I like Job's depth--his humanity on display, and his tenacity in the face of those doubters who saw his giant ark as a hilarious point of departure."

Dean admits that he finds particular solace in the bravery of his personal favorite apostles--Sodom and Gomorrah.

"They looked Nebuchudnezzar right in the eyes and said "give us fire, if it please you, king."

When asked about the now widely-publicized "Job gaffe", Dean just brushed it aside entirely. "It's just a form of persecution from the right," he said. "Just like the eunuch harlot with the issue of blood, trying to climb the Ark of the Covenant to see Goliath, this too shall pass."

Dean's comments elicited spontaneous applause from the crowd he was addressing. Sounding more like a tent-revival preacher than political firebrand, Dean continued, with a civil-rights era, call and response, Pentecostal cadence.

"In this woooorld, there's a gonnnnna beeeee trialssss! (c'mon, Howard!)"

"Just like-uh Judas Iscariot with King David's head in the alabaster box! (Preach it, c'mon!)

"The Democrats-uh, are no-uh longer bound by the shackles of Manna and filthy cleanliness! (yeah, that's right!)

"But we will hold tight to the truth, Like Absalom's hair on an equestrian-friendly orchard! (You said it, Howard!)

Dean is hoping that his new lease on evangelical repartee will bridge the "God gap" that exists as a perception of the Democratic party and it's sometimes strained relations with those of faith.

Dean's other obstacle, should he harbor any residual presidential aspiration, is Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton, who has moved substantially center-ward with regard to abortion, and faith-based initiatives. Some in the DNC expect her to put further pressure on any potential democratic rivals by joining Operation Rescue, and having her virginity reinstalled through a prototype outpatient procedure.

She is also expected to be baptized by immersion in all red states during the election cycle. Dean bristles at the idea.

"She'll be like a dog returning to its sackcloth and ashes," he said. "People will always know the difference between the pretenders and, well . . . me."

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