Thursday, June 30, 2005

Iranian People Already Plotting To Assassinate New President

Many call for resignation after referring to self as "sixth pillar" of Islam

Haunting Juxtaposition: Five American hostages agree that the 1979 hostage -taker on the right is also president-elect Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (left). Ahmadinejad's people say that in 1979, he was gassing Kurdish preschools, and "could not have been in two places at once."

Tehran--The Iranian people, surprised by allegations of their newly-elected president is possibly one of the 1979 hostage takers during the Jimmy Carter years, are already grappling with a question usually reserved for non-Muslim presidents of other countries: How to assassinate him.

"This guys is a real Q'uran thumper," said one political analyst in Tehran. "When this guy promised a beheading in every garage, the electorate thought he meant only infidel garages. Couple that with the fact that his Islamic consecrations are as extreme as they get--just go ahead and put up a sign that says WHILE IN IRAQ, WHY NOT STOP OVER AND CHANGE OUR REGIME TOO, INFIDEL BUSH?"

The hullabaloo extends from reports that president elect, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, was one of the captors that held American embassy workers hostage for 444 days, starting in 1979. Four former hostages claim they reached independent conclusions as to Ahmadinejad's identity and contacted each other.

Ahmadinejad denies any involvement in the ordeal, citing the "extensive and palpable reality of proliferate beards and non-layered haircuts in Iran." Ahmadinejad's political advisors say that these "confusing aesthetic camouflages" may also lead to "multiple and frequent assassinations."

"You never know," said one. "First they'll try to kill Mr. Ahmadinejad, and then realize they've killed the wrong man. Next thing you know, Women, children and babies are being mistaken for assassins by our people. It's really an unfortunate thing that Iranians have little-to-no-distinguishing characteristics."

Other have called for a pre-emptive resignation on Ahmadinejad part after he referred to himself as the “Sixth Pillar” of Islam—a reference many believe to have narcissistic fertility implications.

“Ahmadinejad had what we call a David Copperfield complex,” said one Q’uran scholar. “He goes to such lengths to reaffirm his prowess, that he literally fouls the waters into which the public has placed him. And as they say here, ‘if the camels know you’re nothing special, then so does Allah.”

Ahmadinejad's people say they are ready to "go to war" over the 1979 hostage claims, citing "empirical evidence" that Ahmadinejad was torturing infants and toddlers near the Iraq border in November of that year.

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