Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Kerry's Newly-Released Records Suspiciously Omit Moonraker Cameo

Despite Kerry's tartuffian, ivy-league grooming, many are able to draw a direct link between Kerry at Yale, and Kerry chewing through triple-corded hemp in an attempt to kill a womanizing british spy. Kerry's newly-released records conspicuously attest to no such activity.

Washington--It would seem that Senator John Kerry can't weather a break, even when he signs the papers necessary to release his personal records. Critics note that despite Kerry’s recent release to the Boston Globe, the information previously unattainable before SF-form 180.

"Sometimes the important thing will not be what's in the documents. but what's left out" said one anonymous source at the Globe. "And this thing is a time-bomb ready to blow Kerry's political future out the water completely."

Sources indicate that Kerry’s cameo appearance as the ominous "Jaws" in the 1979 movie, Moonraker, was "redacted, with malice and aforethought."

"It's bad enough that the blowhard went around associating himself with heroes—not to mention that whole Cambodia riff," said the source. "Now, the very freedom of information Kerry has invoked could link him to one of the most atrocious acting spots ever commissioned by Hollywood."

A spokesperson for Kerry said that the senator "never went within a ten-foot pole's reach" of either James Bond’s 1979 incarnation, Roger Moore, or actor Richard Kiel—the man whose name appears in the credits in Moonraker, as well as all subsequent reemergences of the character in sequels.

"Kerry was on a secret recon mission in Saigon," said the spokesperson.

Still, even some of Kerry's friends in Hollywood think the story could have legs.

"Look, trying to undermine the country with a gaping double-standard towards war, that's one thing," said actress Pia Zadora. "One bad movie can take you right down irretrievably. Believe me I know."

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