Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Tenacious Juror #5 Credited With Convicting Snapping Fingers Despite Frivolous Molestation Charges

Spunky septuagenarian tells wrong-way traffic to 'go to hell' on way home

79-year-old Ellie Cook said "Michael Jackson could have attempted to conssumate with the accuser in the courtroom," and she would have dismissed the charge because of his mother's "senior-phobic" demeanor.

Santa Maria Ca.--79 year old Ellie Cook knew exactly what she was doing when she helped acquit accused singer, Michael Jackson.

"I listened to the testimony, "she said. "The luring, the sedentary effects of alcohol, the preparatory behavior. The hard core pornography. The lewd and lascivious acts. All the signs were there, and I believed them--but you don't sit near me, with your son's posterior in my legal purview, and give me a fresh look--cause I'll make those tiny glutes famous, sunshine."

Cook noted that a local Denny's had neglected to give her an unsolicited senior discount, and that the incident "played only a minor role" in ignoring the accuser's claims of being Jackson’s wanton, DNA receptacle.

"It was that little chick that blew it for the boy," she said. "Come up with a sideways glance toward the Santa Maria Sanhedrin, and it's Vitiligo Vertigo for the Gav-man, honey.”

Cook's tenacious mettle, while not enough to make her foreman, duly impressed her colleagues nonetheless.

"I was absolutely stunned," said juror # 10. "Charge after charge; molestation, preparatory alcohol distribution, lewd contact, the works. Ellie was unflappable. I could hear her remind herself that the mother's attitude was the issue. She's the true iron woman."

Cook's reputation continued, as she buckled up into to her 1974 Volvo and wrongly headed south in a northbound lane.

"See? Listen to that cursing," said Juror # 10. "Even now I can hear her say, I don't care if the accuser has a Jackson-funded man-port installed on that fanny, his mother's gonna have to eat that precocious smirk all the way to her kid's head shrink. You don't treat me like a dog, missy"

Cook is expected to activate her dormant plans for a book, tentatively titled, Sass Your Grandma? Let's Take A Little Walk Through The Megan's Law Database.

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