Friday, February 04, 2005

Howard Dean Reaching Out To Evangelical Satanists

“Let’s keep Satan in Halloween,” he says.

Conjure The Vote: Howard Dean invokes
the demons that will drive the DNC "right into
those swine Republicans."

San Francisco--
DNC Chairman designate, Howard Dean is seeking to expand the role of faith in government. Speaking in front of the First Church of Satan in San Francisco, Dean intoned his inclusive goals with all the passion that would make any televangelist proud. His opening salvo included selected blasphemies and ripping the horizontal arms from a ceramic cross.

“I am here in the name of Satan, Lucifer, and Leviathan,” he said. “While not a worshipper in my heart, I can still feel a kinship with you all on the level of belief itself.”

Dean then launched into an overview of what he promises to be a “comprehensive plan on the feasibility of human sacrifice in the 21st century,” while sipping human blood from a chalice.

Local parishioners said they were impressed with Dean’s ability to “philosophically transcend the river Styx” in order to extend a withered olive branch to children of The Infernal One.

“It’s incredible,” said Raven Dark. “When I heard John Kerry try to unload on those hunters with that ‘can I get me a hunting license’ condescension, I knew it was the boilerplate, Tartuffian snobbery so easily associated with him. Dean was not only comfortable with the relics, and the archaic terminology, but his opening statements were repeated in perfectly articulated Enochian. That speaks to me, as a bride of Baphomet.”

The former vermont Governor then brought the congregation to their feet by slitting a sheep's Carotid artery with a letter opener.

Dean impressed with astonishing levels of eclecticity and versatility as well, by reading from his King James Bible to deliver his sermon—taking his text from the 16th Chapter of Leviticus.

“That’s the chapter we so endearingly regard as the ‘scapegoat’ chapter,” said Szandor Twilight. “His parallels regarding a sin-soaked caprine and the Democratic Party were not only skillfully delivered, but had the demonstrative caliber of the Horned One himself.”

Critics noted that Dean made a potential gaff on his introductory patter, by naming only three of the four satanic cardinal points. Hopes are high that his "Halloween anti-diffusion" plank will act as a counterbalance to any flack.

“It’s stupid forays like this one that can cost our party the satanic vote,” said a Dean staffer. “Hopefully the hot winds of Sheol will blow this over.”

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