Friday, June 10, 2005

Dean Mocks NRA Membership With Alzheimer's Puppet

Faux repartee with forgetful Charlton Heston effigy receives standing ovation from Democrats

Howard Dean set his democratic compatriots on fire with
his effigal portrayal of a deteriorating Charlton Heston,
through the use of staged conversation with the addled puppet.
Dean is noted for his controversial remarks about the GOP.

Washington-- Capitalizing on his already-controversial incendiary tirade against the Republicans, Democratic national Committee chairman, Howard dean, left a room full of democratic VIP in helpless laughter.

Speaking directly to a puppet he called "Guessin' Hestin," Dean reiterated a faux conversation between Charlton Heston and the NRA membership through the use of "artistic projection."

Artistic projection is known in show business circles as the taking of editorial license to assume "what ifs" within the course of an artistic creation.

Howard Dean left no satirical stone unturned.

"Hello, my name is Guessin Hestin" said Dean through visibly clenched jaws. "And they can have my gun when they pry it from my cold, dead DVD player."

Dean's less-than-veiled reference to Heston's deteriorating condition in the shadow of Alzheimer's disease was not lost on the audience.

"I almost peed my pants, I was laughing so hard" said Senator Robert Byrd (D-W-Va). "There's nothing I appreciate more than the opportunistic movement of the ambulatory and strong against the weak and disadvantaged. That bit’s funnier than a burning cross at the Cosby household.” Byrd added, “Actually I just now peed my pants anyway."

Other Democrats, not wanting to go on the record, noted the medicianl effects of Dean's comedy on them.

"This is better than pot laced with Phencycladin," said one.

Dean went on to show the puppet attempting to negotiate the floor plan of it's own house, repeatedly misidentifying familiar objects with others.

"Hesty, are you going to hide your own Easter eggs this year," asked Dean. The sounds of paroxysmal laughter only augmented by the blank, non-responsive stare of the puppet; Dean’s puppet only looking around like nothing happened.

"I guess that's a yeeeess!," said Dean while winking at his DNC constituency, most on the floor trying to breathe in the wake of what seemed like an endless fits of laughter.

Dean is expected to make a series of "Guessin' Hestin" speeches before retiring the bit.

"I've got more than this in me," he says. "Actually I had worked up a two-handed bit that involved a brief stem cell debate between Christoper Reeve and Charlton Heston, but, well you know where that all went. Besides, trying to compassionately keep your left hand on a ventilator while making your right hand wander the neighborhood in aimless abandon is a task for those with more endurance than I have. I'm just not that good."

Related Story: Howard Dean Levitates From Bed, Demands To See Father Karras

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