Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Insurgents Could Be Interrogating Captives With Music By Cat Stevens

Pentagon officials are concerned that elimination of all extant
recordings of Stevens' music"would not be good enough."
Many believe that insurgents have hedged their tactics with
individual acoustic guitar lessons

Baghdad--Members of Iraq's ragtag insurgency are denying reports that civilian and military captives are being subjected to the entire musical catalo of Yusef Islam--known previously to the civilized world as Cat Stevens. A recently obtained audio tape seems to indicate that, at the very least isolated incidents of such techniques may have been used in the past.

"This is preposterous and bad," said one unidentified insurgent. "We admit to eviscerations, disembowelment, eye-gougings, tongue -removals, and our all time favorite throat-slittings. To say that we would ever subject even the vilest of infidels to the high-pitched, dissonant and banal acoustic ballads of Mr. Stevens is an accusation that requires a fatwa on the heads of those who utter it."

The report comes on the heel of earlier reports that part of the interrogation process at Guantanamo Bay includes repeated exposure to loop MP3s of Christina Aguilera.

“We do object to our pilgrims being exposed to such lasciviousness,” said the spokeman. “But even at that rate, to say that we would even venture to play Ooh Baby Baby It’s A Wild World for another human being flies in the face of reason. Allah will prove his greatness against the cacophonous Cat Stevens, God willing.”

Initial reports, though sketchy, came from broken audio tapes, transcribed here:

(Background noise, voices) “So you think the Geneva convention applies well it gonna be . . (unintelligible . . . . clicking . . .acoustic guitar, intro)

la la la la la la la la la la,

la la la la la la la la la la,

la la la la la la la la la . . .

now that I’ve lost everything to you (screaming “Please! I beg of you!”)

you say you wanna start something new, (wails, and pleading)

but it’s breaking my heart you’re leaving, baby I’m grieving(click)

”what’s it going to take, infidel?” (long pause . . . click)

If you’re gonna leave, take good care,

hope you have a lot of nice things to wear (click, voices)

“Am I going to have to play the chorus (faint sound of whimpering and taunting . . .click)


It’s hard to get by, just upon a smi--(tape ends abruptly)

The Pentagon said they are taking the tapes "very seriously," and President Bush expressed "grave concern" for those in the path of Steven's caterwauling compositions. Those inside the Pentagon admit that the wholesale elimination of Stevens' music will most likely translate into the insurgency's diversification--primarily with acoustic guitar lessons.

"Anybody can download a Fake Book off the internet," said one source. "An almost unspeakable horror, and one we wish had never entered the realm of possibility."

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