Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Bed-Ridden Zarqawi Vows To Continue Serving Bed-Ridden Bin-Laden

Warrior-to-commander motivational letter delivered by hospice nurse

"My bedpan is your's" Zarqawi's legendary allegiance
to Bin Laden was expressed yet again, via a newly-released
audio tape.

Iraq--Vowing to continue the Jihad in the "land of the two rivers," insurgency leader Abu Musab al-Zarqawi said he was "Honored" to be bed-ridden under the bed-ridden leadership of Osama Bin Laden.

The statement came via a newly-released audiotape on an oft-used Islamic website.

"I rise to spit in the infidel's eye," said al-Zarqawi. "And I press my 'call nurse' button with all the vigor of pulling a trigger. Allah be praised."

Zarqawi is reportedly in a wounded state, and while not denying such claims, the lead insurgent did say that the wounds were "minor."

The audiotape is said to have been delivered from a secret hospice in Baghdad to an undisclosed terminal hospital in Syria.

Zarqawi allegiance to Bin-Laden is not only legendary, but respected around the world.

"Look at what he's doing," said one analyst. "Reaching out with whatever's left of a hand to comfort his mentor. They're going to make a movie about a friendship like this, believe me. Wouldn't surprise me a bit if they died minutes apart on July fourth of this year."

Many analysts have also noted the parallels in timing and structure to Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith--George Lucas' veiled references to Bush in the incarnation of Anakin Skywalker.

"Zarqawi and Osama share a unique, 'Luke and Yoda' type of bond here," noted one. "And look what they've accomplished together. That's a synergy rarely seen in most realtionships today."

Both Zarqawi and Bin-Laden have noted that the worse their conditions become, "The more dangerous we become."

"Make me shudder," noted one observer. "Nobody wants these men off of respirators more than peace-loving people."

Monday, May 30, 2005

Memorial Day

it should go without saying.

Think . . .

Remember . . .

Thank . . .

Pray . . .

Thank again. . . .

Moderate Senators Sign Monroe Doctrine Compromise

U.S. to eliminate own military, enemies can only invade under "extraordinary circumstances."

Washington--Noting a string of inordinately rapid successes, the now famous "senate 14" took to the airwaves today, to say they have "now successfully eliminated the polemics inherent in the Monroe Doctrine, with regard to Europe, as well as our enemies."

The Monroe Doctrine essentially states that any attempted colonization of the American regions would be considered an antagonistic undertaking. Noting the Doctrine was aimed primarily towards Europe at the time, senator Lindsay Graham assured the rest of the world that the "invasion option" would be applied liberally, and equally, towards all.

"We feel that this agreement brings the entire malevolent cadre of nations together," said Graham. "So the tactical waters are just as warm for North Korea and China as they would be for Britain, Spain, and even France."

Graham spelled out the essential root of the agreement:

  • The United States would be allowed to implement the next three reconnaissance/offensive attacks against the insurgency in Iraq without fear of retribution.
  • The United States will then completely dismantle it's military, at home and abroad.
  • The United States would then allow for the wholesale elimination of Israel and the Jewish people.
  • Under this agreement, axis aggressors would then only launch attacks, invasions, and sieges under "extraordinary circumstances."

Members of the tentative European Union applauded the Senators, for their "vision and hopes for the future of America's enemies."

"This very slim crossection of men has proven that the course of human events can be altered for the best, when they break from their Constitutional shackles," said one UN spokeman. "There is nothing left to fear but fear--and extraordinary circumstances."

California senator Barbara Boxer is expected to take to the floor today to filibuster the Unites States' three remaining military options.

Jacques Chirac Threatens Rebellious Electorate With Wagner's Lohengrin

Clanging German opera to remind them of "who their daddy is."

Paris--Reeling in the aftermath of his most stinging presidential repudiation, French president, Jacques Chirac told the French people they are "subject to the incessant, and merciless repetition" of Wagner's Lohengrin, Prelude to Act III.

"I am now forced to invoke the putrid winds of the past," said Chirac, stinging from the French people’s outright rejection of the European Constitution. "I swear I'll call up Gerhard Schroeder and just sign this whole sissified country over to Germany, if I have to. Just give me a reason."

Chirac then announced the confirmation of their worst fears: The commandeering of the French airwaves for the purpose of blaring Wagner's Lohengrin "until the political temperature of the people has made significant change."

Many are horrified.

"The last thing you want to do is tick off Le Worm," said one French supporter of the ratification. "First it's Lohengrin, after that who knows what--John Williams's Stormtrooper music?"

President Chirac noted that he "would not take such humiliation lightly."

"If it takes Wagner to make you understand the importance of a united front against George W. Bush, then that's what I'm going to do," Chirac told his people on live television. "But I am not just going to sit here with a pile of cacophonous brass ensemble music and thing to myself, I would never utilize this for disciplinary cause. Wrong wrong."

President Bush called Chirac early this morning and cautioned Chirac against the "Lohengrin Option."

"If any of that racket seeps over the North Korean peninsula, then you've just about started World War III," said Bush. "I am urging my own Congress to look into alternative sources of music, even here."

Friday, May 27, 2005

McCain Has Own Children Appraised On Antiques RoadShow

Looking for creative ways to circumvent McCain/Feingold for '08 presidential bid

First the electorate, and now the whelps:
McCain poses with his cash cows, and
political collateral.

Washington--Arizona Senator John McCain gave new life to rumors he will seek the Republican nomination for the 2008 election cycle, by having his seven children appraised by Sotheby's representatives on PBS', Antiques Roadshow.

Analysts say the senator has” myriad hills" to climb financially, as his much-championed McCain/Feingold campiagn finance legislation seal the majority of by-name campaigning within the purview of the media themselves. Strict limitations on direct contributions to a candidate has forced many to find creative ways to reaise money.

"He has four children at home," said one analyst. But even semi-grown children can fetch a hefty price in the Indonesian sweat-shop market, and well, John really, really wants to be president."

Sotheby's placed an "at-auction" proce of around two million dollars on each of the children, after preliminary DNA tests proved their authenticity.

McCain's penchant for moderation and groundbreaking compromise are traits believed to be inherent in his children as well. Some even believe they would place themselves on political consignment for their father, without any coercion whatsoever.

"Anything to deprive the real conservatives of a victory," said one analyst. "John will do whatever it takes to undo his own accomplishments. That's the kind of man he is."

Celebrate "Muslim Madness Week" With The Therapist

The last couple of weeks has been a high water-mark for islamofascism. Keeping with the spirit of Jihad, I offer you a brief chrestomathy of related pieces from the not-so-distant past--in no certain order:

Terrorists Threaten To Detonate Antibacterial "Clean Bomb" in Europe

Zarqawi Vows To "Increase Descriptions" of Insurgent Attack Methods

Newspaper Accidentally Reports Islamic Slaughter Of Unimportant Christian Family

Islamic Militants Threaten To Behead Vermont Teddy Bear

Election-Fatigued Media Finally Able To Resume Rooting For Terrorists

Eason Jordan Issuing Press Credentials To Senior Al-Queida Operatives

And my personal favorite,

Islamic Divorce Court Awards Woman Half Of Face

Have a good day,

The Therapist

Thursday, May 26, 2005

Amnesty International Report Compares Guantanamo Bay To The Rest Of Cuba

"It's just like prison and stuff," says report

Amnesty International's report chronicles a list of complaints of "prison-like conditions that bear an uncanny resemblance to the people living outside the compund." The White House retorted that conditions inside are actually provoking break-ins by Cubans.

Washington--In what is being referred to as the most stinging rebuke of the war on terror, a report issued yesterday by Amnesty International compared the compound at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba to a "prison with real bars and stuff."

Amnesty International, an organization widely reputed for its even-handed approach to human rights, went so far as to invoke the term "Gulag," a term which invokes images of old communist regimes like the one that still controls the other 99.8% of the island. The organization’s report accuses the Bush Administration of “maintaining conditions and abuses commensurate with those they would suffer if they were running around free.”

White house spokesman, Scott McClellan, said that Geneva Convention guidelines restrict the Americans from allowing “abuses and deprivations commensurate with Castro’s administration.”

“As a matter of fact the American template creates an artificial bubble of excess and abundance,” he said. “And this causes the Cuban population outside to actually want to get in to the facility. Maybe that’s what they mean by abuse, I don’t know.”

The report, one which has no observational merit, make little mention of some of the more recent scurrilous accusations, like repeated book-beatings and the engaging of prisoners in a reality-based game called “Castro and Batista.”

“It doesn’t mean it not happening,” said one spokesperson for the organization. “We just need more people saying it's happening before we can report it as fact.”

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Al Franken Moving Into Garrison Keillor's Extra Bedroom

Being near real radio/book success a real plus, he says

Franken's uncanny resemblance to Keillor is
considered an informational wildcard, as many
continue to speculate about the nature of their
relationship, and whether or not their new living
arrangement is one of political convenience.

St. Paul--Mulling over a senate bid, Air America progenitor, Al Franken, is solidifying a Minnesota residency with long-time companion, Garrison Keillor.

"We've decided to make it official," said Franken, the creator and writer of box -office albatross Stuart Saves His Family. "This move not only allows me the latitude necessary for political aspirations, but will also allow our Prairie Home-grown love to blossom."

Keillor, author of the super-successful Lake Wobegon series of books, is also host of a Saturday public radio variety show, called Prairie Home Companion.

Franken's move is not meant to augur anything other than an exploratory measure, as a decision whether or not to run for senate still hangs in the balance. Franken's liberally-slanted radio network has also seen it's own share of meteoric success, with dozens of new listeners tuning in every month.

"The caller we had yesterday was completely vital to the success of the entire broadcast," said Franken. "I just can't thank them enough. Well, I could because there's only one, but you get my meaning."

Franken said he and Keillor hot it right off, when they realized that both their most recent literary successes were predicated on writing books about people they hate.

"For him it was Jesse Ventura, for me--Rush Limbaugh," he said, referring to his enormously popular, Rush Limbaugh is a Big fat Idiot. When asked about the razor wit required to create such a title, Franken blanches.

"I'm just doing my job, and kissing Garrison. I mean kissing up to Garrison."

Limbaugh is no longer fat.

Keillor could not be reached for comment, as he was reported to be "hoisting a few" and politicizing the Lutherans.

Monday, May 23, 2005

McCain Announces New 9/10ths Cloture Compromise

Senator Byrd Advocating Three-Fifths of a Compromise

McCain's surprise compromise victory on cloture has begun a serious whispering campaign amongst even democrats, who indicate they can "support a maverick" like the Arizona senator. (download for larger view)

Washington--Fresh from a stunning victory over their own majority, a group of republican senators has announced an even more unprecedented piece of the political pie--a refurbished filibuster rule that moves the ability to force debate on an issue from 2/3rds to 9/10ths.

"I am actually starting to feel guilty," said Arizona senator, John McCain. "I mean if I had my 'druthers,' I'd set this thing up so that it would take a unanimous vote from the body of 100 to end a filibuster by the Democrats. I'll take this and call it a day in the Hanoi Hilton."

McCain was speaking through an interpreter schooled in Maverick Lockjowl, a remote dialect stemming from an amalgam of Agent Orange exposure, and having needles forced up one’s cuticles during captivity.

The compromise would thus require a total of 90 senatorial votes to break a filibuster, and acquire what is known as "cloture."

Sen. Robert Bird (W-Va), who signed his name to the initial compromise, said he was "bittersweetly amused" by McCain's incredible accomplishment, noted that he had his own preferences.

"I'm from an area where moderation is the hallmark o’ the southern gentleman,” said Byrd, soul of the Senate and healthy purveyor of his now famous “white nigger” keynote speech. “So I gotta tell you, My people—and by that I mean my brethren back in the day would’a blanched at something as significant as nine-tenths. We’d much prefer three-fifths around these here parts.”

The news of the cloture compromise comes as the fallout from the earlier filibuster deal is yet to be measured.

Republican Senators Willingly Date-Raped By Democratic Senators

McCain says "nuclear option" really meant "I'm high and vulnerable"

"We are now their girlfriends." McCain briefs the
press on the startlingly amicable agreement that allows
for future filibusters and unlimited conjugal visits with
republicans against their will.

Washington--In a historic move on the Senate floor today, republican senators agreed to be date-raped by democratic senators, denying themselves the chance filibuster a particularly randy judiciary committee.

"We have made history," said Arizona senator John McCain. "We have eliminated the chance for filibuster on the next three judges, and unlimited the right to our own bodies as well. How much more senatorial congeniality can you get?"

McCain also noted that the true crossroads victory on the part of the republicans was the clause added to the agreement that redefines the dictionary meaning of the phrase "extraordinary circumstances."

"This should be a bitter pill for my colleagues across the aisle," he said. Not only do they get to have their amorous way with us 24-7, but now we've boxed them in with a reconstituted congressional term that now means "Any Supreme Court Nominee Bush Sends Up."

Democrats say they've only taken what they can get.

"Look, these republicans have the skill of Sun Tzu and Machiavelli rolled into one," said Senator Joe Biden of Delaware. "We're lucky we got by with only not filibustering these three, while those guys got the rich prize of not being able to change senate rules even if we default on our promise, or just make up scurrilous reasons to block nominations."

Biden said unencumbered access to the virtue of republican freshmen made the agreement "barely tolerable."

"We're going to burning some long candles at Hyannis Port," he said.

UPDATE!! McCain Announces New 9/10ths Cloture Compromise

Howard Dean Makes Rhetorical Gaffe, Threatens To Kill Republican Party

Washington--Democrats scrambled to repair damage done by Howard Dean's weekend appearances on television talk shows, in which he "slipped" when he threatened to kill the Republican party.

"Anybody can make a rhetorical gaffe," said Senate minority leader, Harry Reid. "Just because he specifically referred to the ritual disembowelment of Bill Frist does not mean that is what he meant."

Dean also confused Osama Bin Laden's name with Saddam while making continued tirades against the justification for the Iraq war.

"We don't think this is worth focusing on," said Reid. "All these people look alike anyway. Confusing one bearded tyrant with another is a completely honest mistake."

Reid also said that Mr. Dean's penchant for waving high-caliber weapons at women and children was "purely an effectual, dramatic bit of posturing," and that he "only did it once anyway."

"Are we going to parse words, or are we going to get down to the people’s business of killing Republican . . .um, republican legislative victories?" he asked."

Dean was unavailable for comment.

"He's on his way to China to speak with president Putin," said Reid. "Leave the man alone, before something bad happens."

Karzai Blames Bush For Afghan People's Freedom

President's "huggability" makes outlandish demands much easier to take, say officials

Karzai: "US Needs to pay
for Afghnaistan's free markets,
and lack of indicriminate beheadings
in country. Experts indicate the man is so
cute he may actually get his way.

Washington--Afghan President, Hamid Karzai, did not mince words yesterday when he laid the blame for unmitigated freedom in his country at the feet of George W. Bush.

"I am here to forge a strategic partnership with the US," he said. "And by that I mean I am aiming to have the United States prop up our entire economy, health care system, and employment."

Afghanistan has floundered since American forces rid the country of the Taliban, a brutal regime of Islamic fundamentalists that kept the country under tight--and terrifying control.

Karzai said that Mr. Bush had "provided a plethoric degree of individual freedom, without providing a sufficient retraining program for a Taliban-free Afghanistan."

"This is like giving teenagers car keys and alcohol, then expecting them to go out and just have sex," he said. "You provide the freedom--you provide the beds."

Administration officials say that Karzai is a "spunky little Ben Kingsley body-double," and that his "diplomatic tirade makes him even more huggable than he was before he said these things."

"It's everything we can do to keep the President from giving that guy a noogie, " said one Administration official. "We just hope he doesn't wind up signing over federal funds to that little cutie-pie, because we can't afford it."

Sunday, May 22, 2005

Even Hillary's Ceramic Effigy Hates Embryos

This picture blatantly ripped off from Pete's site.
It will also take you there to witness the demonstration video.

I've been meaning to do this for a while now. I am only doing this because I got a sincere belly laugh out of this when I saw it in action--in my own kitchen.

A few weeks ago, I received an email from a guy named Pete, with the subject line: "You must drink a lot." Being fully cognizant that I don't, I knew it had to be in reference to the biting satire I have committed to produce for one and all, free of charge.

I was right, Pete was basically saying that he was a fan of this blog. I noticed this little url tag in the end of his email, and well, I don’t know about you, but I am inclined to see what people are about.

I imagine you may have already seen an ad for the Hillary Clinton Egg Separator, but this was the actual guy responsible for them emailing me. He very graciously sent one to me, and I have to tell you; I have not had so much culinary whooping around my house since I accidentally scalped my knuckle with poultry scissors trying to perform a rope trick for my son.

My three-year-old, Clara, put it this way:

"Mom, mom! He put the egg in her head, and it come out her nose!"

Why am I writing this? because I remember when Rush Limbaugh managed to squeeze dubious immortality out of another similar device called the "Gurgling Cod," by fusing a Ted Kennedy/Mary Jo Kopechne parallel out of it. People went nuts trying to find them, but soon realized that without the on-air context of Limbaugh's show, the joke would be lost on their friends for the most part.

And Ted Kennedy, appalling as he may be, had any hopes of Oval Office ascendancy coincidentally drowned by a suspiciously-youthful campaign volunteer. It’s over for him—and that Liver of his could Bo-Peep him off of life’s stage any minute as well.

But Hillary represents something far more visceral, in terms of timeliness. So it stands to reason that otherwise grotesque culinary pursuits take on the slightly-more interesting task of disrespectful iconography. And What better is there way to see the fine Senator from New York, than to see salmonella expectorating from her nostrils? I can’t think of anything I’d rather see from her, other than to explain how a Kansas one-story landed on her sister.

So, in short, go visit Pete, and maybe he can gin up enough attention to have his product sit amongst the pantheon of the EIB novelty items. It’s perfect for that venue. And Pete’s not a bad guy,either.

Saturday, May 21, 2005

Bush Gives Saddam Endearing Nickname Of "Whitey-Tightey"

Pootie-Poot calls in to express outrage over photos; Saddam to file Brief

Still struggling with basic, servant-level motor skills:
Hussein, quite accustomed to the opulence and the majesty
of absolute power, bravely overcomes another of many
"either/or" obstacles encountered by those who are less fortunate.

Washington--With continued fallout over Saddam Hussein's embarrassing "underwear" photographs. President Bush registered his empathy for the former dictator by referring to him as "Whitey Tightey."

"We will get to the bottom of this," said Bush. "While we prefer the elasticity and comfort of our current security levels, it has become evident that certain peep-holes still exist, even in our form-fitting security matrix."

Bush went on to say that the individuals responsible will "prostate themselves before the Justice Department," and that "Even my adversary, Whitey-Tightey, deserves better than to be subjected to apparel with no visible undercarriage support."

Arab-American relations experts say that, while the President appears to be defending Saddam against being shamed to death in the public media, that his folksy-colloquialisms, and down-home jargon are really double-entendres—meant to poke fun at the former dictator’s predicament.

“We received word that Mr. Bush had a short-list of nicknames drawn up, even before the pictures surfaced,” said one representative. “And the Muslim world is not going to quietly accept such brazenly disrespectful nicknames like ‘Broken Odometer,’ or ‘The Last Turkey in the Shop’ without some kind of uprising.”

Other say that, while there are extremely vocal groups outraged by the publication of the photos, they are a vociferous minority.

“We believe there exists an actual majority of Iraqis that support this action,” said one unnamed Iraqi dissident. “But since their tongues have been gouged out, and hands cut off, it puts a significant handicap on the whole ‘picket and protest’ thing.”

Late reports today said that Vladimir (Pootie-Poot) Putin called Mr. Bush to express outrage “on behalf of all of Russia, and that if “Mr. Bush had any self-respect, he’d air brush Saddam right out of those pictures and re-release them.”

Still developing . . .

Friday, May 20, 2005

Global Warming To Blame For Global Cooling

Cambridge, UK--The Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) issued a report indicating a "direct and causal link between global warming, and the haunting specter of global cooling."

Recent research has shown that significant snowfall onto the Antarctic glacier has slowed the rate of rise in ocean levels. Scientists believe that global warming very easily explains these changes.

“Theoretically, we would say that global cooling is a good thing,” said Dr. Mark Daskapital. “But what seems to be a natural, gyroscopic tendency to balance extremes, really only makes us work harder to forge appropriate and timely alarming rhetoric. Climate change is never a good thing.”

Daskapital explains that the melting glaciers “made more water,” and that this significantly increased body of water would “make more water to evaporate,” making “even bigger clouds.”

“This is a complex thing to understand,” said Daskapital. “Only a scientists can detect the nuance of precipitation.

The doctor went on to explain that bigger clouds could provide “more precipitation,” and that most likely explains the sudden spike in cumulonimbus deployment.

“If it weren’t for global warming, we would not be experiencing global cooling,” he said. “And that’s why we need to eliminate the United States and Israel.”

Thursday, May 19, 2005

Report: Russian Grenadiers Only "Days Away" From Acquiring Pin-Pulling Technology

Russia claiming development of new fragmentation fire extinguisher

This Soviet-era RGD-5 fragmentation grenade
could have proven fatal to Mr. Bush, had its
possessors known the mysterious technological
subtleties hiding literal inches from their own thumbs.

Washington--An FBI report released yesterday sent shivers down the collective spines of lawmakers, as word spread that maverick assassins in the former Soviet republic may sit on the precipice of grenade-deployment technology.

“We know for a fact, that rogue elements would seek to acquire and employ the techniques required to successfully pull the pin from a fragmentation grenade,” said the report. “And unless we are able to stop the informational hemorrhaging in our own political body, there is little we can do to stop it.”

The report follows an incident in the republic of Georgia, in which an attempted grenade deployment was revealed to be legitimately dangerous to President Bush, and believed to be an attempt on his life. The red t-shirt in which the device was wrapped muted the grenade’s firing pin, resulting in failure.

“The problem is, we know our enemies are erudite, well-read, and cerebral,” said one member of the FBI. “It will not take long before they understand the anti-catalytic properties of cotton underwear, and its counterproductive presence on the battlefield.”

Russian officials deny that satellite photographs of Russian forces engaging in pin-pulling exercises is in any way related to grenade attacks, but say the prolonged drills are a significant part of a fire-safety program, in which encyclopedic knowledge of fire-extinguishers is paramount.

“One must be able to retrieve the extinguisher, eliminate the restrictor pin, and deploy the contents in the direction of a conflagration while blindfolded,” said a Russian official. “What you are seeing in you surveillance video is a prototype exploding fire extinguisher, the effectiveness of which is maximized by throwing the device towards the fire while taking cover.”

Washington officials have only committed to a "wait and see" approach to the new extinguishers.

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Newsweek Begins Damage Control By Calling For Sanctions Against Israel

Says Jews may have planted cognitive "fiction bombs" near columnist
Washington--Hoping to stem an exponentially growing tide of criticism, Newsweek will be publishing an editorial in next week's edition calling for "dramatic sanctions" against the nation of Israel.

"It is our firm belief that Israel's very existence is at the root of these unfortunate series of events," writes Newsweek. "And despite our own journalistic shortcomings, these things pale in comparison to the imperial hegemony of the Zionists, forever keeping the Palestinians in chains--figuratively, if not literally."

Newsweek insiders say there is a "preponderance of evidence" to suggest that Jewish activists may have planted the wayward paragraph in the mind of reporter Michael Isikoff.

"We know those people are into state-of-the-art dissemination techniques," said one source. "All one needs to do is find a way to fuse the technology of a bunker buster with a bogus Koran desecration story, and you've got our people yelling 'fire' in a crowded arena."

Newsweek also claims to have identified "clear and present" Jews for arrest on the backside of a successful forensic examination of Isikoff's brain.

"We know it's them," said the source. "Besides, these are the types of jobs a black would never take."

Doctors Hail Cardiovascular Benefits Of Mindless Rioting

Taking time out from their work-a-day schedule of cursing infidels to hell, Muslims of all ages still find time to fit in some unbridled mayhem, arson, and aggravated murder. Doctors say that despite the deaths of 17 people, the averge Muslim's life expectancy goes up with each protest.

Washington--As the fallout from Newsweek's false-story about the desecration of a Koran at Guantanamo bay reaches critical mass, doctors are saying that there are "imperceptible yet beneficial side effects" to mindless rioting and mayhem.

"The jury is still out on most of this, mind you," said one medical expert. "But we do know the benefits from an exacerbated heart rate in terms of cardiovascular maintenance, and that means that intermittent fits of aggregate homicide, elevated use of caustic chemicals and pyrotechnics, and the occasional homosexual foray are all cleansing processes.”

Experts also say that the rioters inability to understand a major media retraction’s negative obviations may overshadow its numerous health benefits as well.

“People don’t realize that the next cache of suicide bombers will also hold the high-watermark in cardiovascular health,” said one expert. “Chances are, when they retrieve the dismembered organ from a Jewish elementary school, that it will still be beating to some degree. That my friend, makes Pilates look like a piker’s workout.”

The Mindless Muslim workout contains five basic ingredients of success:

  • A complete body warm up, initiated by "taking to the streets."
  • Upper-body stretching exercises that include the de-tubing and rapid unrolling of American flags from the Mindless Muslim stockpile.
  • Repeated Pumping of the fists, with corresponding, unintelligible chants.
  • A supplemental adrenaline rush attained only by setting fire to one's own livelihoods.
  • The isometric workout of the pectoral muscles with a revolutionary, "from behind" jugular-slicing technique.

Experts indicate that each and every one of these exercises can display tertiary benefits with only slight adjustments.

“Right off the bat, I can see a distinct, lower-back benefit in that last one, if you isolate your throat-slitting choices to children,” said one expert. “Couple that with the unmatchable feeling of torching your own neighborhood, and you’ve got a recipe for health that’ll have the jump-rope gurus from America come calling.”

Monday, May 16, 2005

Body Of Real Newt Gingrich Found In Fort Marcy Park

A DC forensics team removes the body of Newt
Gingrich from a "reasonably public" location in Fort
Marcy Park. Experts believe an anguished Gingrich may
have shot himself over Hillary-centric reporting by conservatives.

Washington--bringing somewhat of a tangible clarification to Newt Gingrich's highly public support of a Hillary Rodham Clinton presidential bid, officials are reporting that what purports to be the "actual body" of the former Speaker of the House has been found in Fort Marcy Park.

"We found Mr. Gingrich's body, in a prostrate position, with a single exit wound at the back of the head," said a spokesman for the DC crime unit. "There was also an apparent suicide note, although we are not at liberty to divulge the contents, other than to say, it appears to be an exculpatory note acquitting Kofi Annan of the Oil-For food scandal, Mrs. Clinton of cattle futures wrongdoing as well."

Newt Gingrich was the frontispiece for the 1994 republican takeover of the house and senate, crystallizing republican doctrine through the “Contract With America.” Gingrich’s pervasive influence irked his liberal friends across the aisle, lionizing him even more to the conservatives, who are no doubt wrestling with the shattering news of the former Speaker’s untimely death.

“He was a good man,” said Sen. Bill Frist. “We now have a sense of what may be happening out there. At least we know the guy touring with Mrs. Clinton is not Newt, but that makes his actual loss no easier.”

Newt Gingrich

Most admit they are flummoxed when it comes to explaining just who exactly is pretending to be Newt Gingrich.

“We were at first, looking to see whether Voinovich or Lott were putting the ‘Gone fishing’ signs up in their senate offices, but both seem to be accounted for,” said one senate insider. “Now we have no idea.”

While DC crime investigators are engaging in a full and complete investigative exercise, most insiders say the telltale signs of a suicide are present.

“We have a high-caliber bullet wound, no bullet, no blood, and unexplainable fibers riddling the Speaker’s clothing,” said one investigator. “Throw in the note, and it’s all over but the shouting.”

Funeral arrangements are still pending, with the family weighing the possibility of a public ceremony sometime shortly after a private funeral with relatives and close friends.

Muslims Sorry For Riots, Murder In Wake Of Faulty Newsweek Story

Islamabad--Muslims from across the Arab world issued a uniform, Mea Culpa today, apologizing for "misplaced strategic random killings, rapes, and riots" brought on the in the wake of a faulty Newsweek story.

Newsweek had falsely written that American forces desecrated a Koran to intimidate Muslim detainees at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

"We are so, so sorry," said Hashneesh Eyekilloo. "Had we known the dubious merit of the story, we would have never allowed out unbridled rage and hatred for the infidel to spill over into unchecked violence, random tortures, and the desecration of anything we could get our hands on."

"Let's just say that we are issuing a retraction," said another spokesman. "Now we need to get back to work for the Arab people. So let's put this behind us shall we?”

Sunday, May 15, 2005

Experts Warn Completed Star Wars Epic Could Reinforce Bias Against Tusken Raiders

Kid-glove portrayal of Yoda puts evil stigma on force's dark side, say some

Losing the PR battle: Cultural indicators point
to "significant societal stigmas" to be conferred
upon the Tusken Raiders (l) unless George Lucas'
monolithically-positive portrayal of Yoda(r) is tempered
with some measurable degree of negativity.

Los Angeles—As the pandemonium for the sixth installment of Star Wars comes to a fever pitch, experts say cultural indicators predict “dire treatment” for Tusken Raiders when the last movie hits mainstream availability.

“It’s been bad enough for them,” said one expert. “having your entire planet vaporized by the Death Star and all.”

Tusken raiders first made their appearance inthe original Star Wars, and were presumed vanquished when Tatooine, the home planet of benevolent Jedi, Luke Skywalker, had key cities razed by the forces aligned with Sith Lord, Darth Vader. Tusken Raiders were a roustabout band of sand pirates, faces obscured by elaborately ugly facial wraps.

“We have reason to believe the Tusken Raiders have survived,” said one observer. “And their life has not been made any easier by the inaugural film, though chronologically speaking it really is the fourth installment.”

Others observe potentially darker fallout from the story’s perceived finality.

“This last movie really aligns the planets of negativity towards the dark side of The Force as well,” said a noted Force scholar. “Here you have that huggable Muppet, Yoda. He’s been nothing but a bastion of wisdom with pithy quips like, There is not try, only do. He started off as a semi decrepit, failing 800-year old Jedi midget, and now George Lucas has the little slug swashbuckling and fighting with a light saber. How is the dark, seething, occultic side of the Force supposed to overcome the chains of Yoda’s, happy-day portrayal?”

Yoda claims his character’s Confucian haikus and dexterous control over the good side of The Force provide needed balance against the backdrop of negative energy that spills out of the cinematic phenomenon.

“The Cantina is very full,” says Yoda. “Yet few are drinking.”

Saturday, May 14, 2005

The Therapist, And Flagrant Self-Promotion (LINKS NOW FIXED)

Against my better judgment, I have decided to link a few personal favorites here, for the sake of easy access, and because the labyrinth nature of the BlogSpot archives are a bit temperamental. I am doing this primarily because I am of the belief that the majority of my new readers rarely dig backwards, but rather check in every other day or so to see what's new. It is for you that I perform this selfless, unremunerated yeoman's work. And to those who've been with me from day one: God Bless Ya!

To wit:

Sacramento Kings Players Demand Subtitles For Stojakovic

Amish Crime Statistics Show Dramatic Rise In Smitings, Photography

Kofi Annan Proposes New "Jews For Oil" Program

Hell Enlarging Self To accommodate Blue States, Baby Boomers

Ralph Nader To Take On Piano Wire Seatbelt Industry

Mom’s Militant Pro-Choice Involvements Make For Some Really Awkward Birthdays

Millions To Be Indicted In US, "Work-For-Money" Scandal

Islamic Divorce Court Awards Woman Half Of Face

Report: Landslides Could Turn California Into Red State

And quite possibly, the most viscerally-recieved story I have yet posted,

Wireless Internet program Allows Ethiopians To Google™ Images Of Food, Water

Hope you newbies enjoy these. A good weekend to all. See you on Sunday morning . . .

--The Therapist

Newsweek's Dwindling Subscription Numbers May Have New Hope In Rioting Muslims

Newsweek's ability to conjure
unprecedented behavior in Muslims
is credited with being the "saving grace"
for print journalism's atrophied abilities.

Gaza--The American publication, Newsweek, may have found its niche in a world where the printed word is faltering daily against the backdrop of electronic journalism.

Pointing to a single paragraph in which it is alleged American forces desecrated a Koran at Guantanamo bay, Newsweek’s executives say the emotional outpouring over that "tiny, journalistic blip" has shown them they still have the power of the pen.

"What is it now, nine people dead?" said one executive. "Let’s see the bloggers accomplish that."

Muslims across the Islamic world took to the streets, rioting, looting, and killing people when it was learned a book may have been vandalized. Al Jezeera picked up the paragraph, and has rebroadcast the report on a continual basis since then. Newsweek insiders say they have hit the mother lode.

"It is in times like these that the word 'alleged' becomes our best friend," said one. "All we have to do is invoke that little lynchpin into our reporting, and we can have these people calling for the blood of infidels in a half an hour. One thing is for sure, it won't be long before these people are renewing their subscriptions."

Newsweek executives are hopeful that strategically placed riots will help their in-the-trenches reporters to cover them with some itinerant convenience—thereby buttressing any predicted surges in circulation.

"If we can invoke regional hatreds, that would be better," said one executive. "A simple 'Rumsfeld Allegedly Says Golan Goons Can go To Hell' will make the Palestinians go nuts with very little spillover. One must be careful with stories alleging republican t-shirt campaigns saying ‘There Are Other Gods Besides Allah.' That’ll have them barbecuing infidels at Penn Station. We’d prefer they poop in their own their own kennel.”

Newsweek says they are “hopeful” for the new numbers, and intend to publish a comprehensive article on causality issues.

Friday, May 13, 2005

Senator Boxer Decries "Abuses At Abby Grub"

Compares American treatment of prisoners to "Rise of the Third Rick"

Boxer: Not going to sit by and watch the
"horrors chronicled in Andy Frankfurter's
diary" to be played out with American actors.

Washington--In an already passionate posture over the nomination woes of John Bolton for UN Ambassador, California senator Barbara Boxer saved her most acidic invective for the troops themselves.

"I am concerned about the polittle-ization of intelligence amongst governing bodies," she said. "But nothing disturbs me more than the horrific, dehumanizing pictures I've seen some out of Abby Grub, not to mention Geronimo Bay, Cuba."

Boxer also said that the abuses by American forces conferred upon the prisoners far superceded the horrors of the "Baton Rouge Death March" as well as the "Rape of Nat King Cole."

"We have before us, what portends to be an under the radar manifestation--the cold winds of the Third Rick coming back to haunt us in our own forces" she said. "The Bush administration's military policy is nothing more than an echo; a dark, slow moving train to the German gas stations of World War II--particularly the horrors at Hindenburg."

Senators on the other side of the aisle made little comment, other than to say Boxer's stinging words were so masterfully crafted, that little debate could ever emerge against them.

"While I believe her comparisons are a bit on the hyperbolous side," said Sen. Trent Lott. "There's little I can do in the court of public opinion when their outlook on foreign policy is so skillfully galvanized by stinging similes between prisoner abuses and the bombing of Hiroshima. We are paralyzed, politically."

Boxer also said that republican attempts to employ the "nuclear option" in the senate filibuster debate "could be far worse than the 1980 child-killing sprees in Atlantis."

Thursday, May 12, 2005

Ousted Church Dems To Start Own Church, Oust God

Nativity scene to be replaced with Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs

Many democrats have decided that "putting
feet to their prayers" would be far more effective
than litigation. This building is serving as the interim
site for the new, Godless body of worship.

Waynesville, NC--Democratic members of a North Carolina church, ousted for refusing to support President Bush, have announced the formation of a new church.

Originally ousted by Pastor Chan Chandler from East Waynesville Baptist Church, the member had originally considered retaining an attorney, but decided a "reformation" would better serve their needs. Chandler has since resigned in the wake of the controversy, citing a "misunderstanding."

"What we've needed for a long time supercedes the democrat/republican issues," said one member of the new nine-member church. "We've had a big problem with the whole theological part anyway. Jesus is way too high on a pedestal. He's got notches coming."

Members ay the new congregational assembly will be called the Anti Theological Holy Ecumenical Intelligence Sanctuary of Tolerance (ATHEIST), and that a “deity free” environment will be stressed, encouraged, and taught. Members do concede that a hastily-formed congregation six-months from major holidays presents certain, insurmountable obstacles—particularly in the areas of iconography.

“ We are, admittedly, at a loss for a nativity scene replacement this holiday season,” said one. “Although we have considered attempting to anthropomorphize a few psychological principles to illustrate the needs of humanistic man. We just received a cardboard display of Pavlov’s salivating dogs—a concurrent image with man’s thirst for knowledge.”

Members deny that a display representing Sigmund Freud’s marriage to his mom is on the table.

“Look, that didn’t happen,” said one. “Although technically we could still do it under the umbrella of artistic projection. We would prefer a chronologically-oriented display that takes the seven deadly sins, and fuses them to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs.

No schedule of services has been announced.

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Report On Rising Anti-Muslim Bias Explodes, Killing 10

The Council on American-Islamic Relations'
report never made it to the press pool, as it exploded,
killing mostly children, and most likely fomenting
undue bias against Muslims. Jews are to blame, most likely.

Newark, NJ—A new report indicating that anti-Muslim crimes are at an all time, post September 11th high, exploded in the car of the envoy delivering the report, killing 10.

The report by the Council on American-Islamic Relations, purported to definitively attribute the rise in “Islamophobia” to a steady diet of anti-Muslim rhetoric by public officials, talk-show hosts, along with a general societal intolerance toward people of Islamic faith. It exploded into shards before the report could be notarized. Most of the victims were children.

Council members say that the explosion has “the definite whiff” of conspiratorial merit.

“It is clear that an infidel is behind this,” said one council member. “They do not want the truth of intolerance exposed to the light. For that, we will slice the carotid arteries of their babies and marinade the eyeballs in blood until they see things through the eyes of Allah--the one true and peaceful God.”

Analysts say that uncouth remarks about Islam represent a “grotesque, nazi-like overcorrection” to the attacks on September 11th, 2001.

“Here’s how it works,” said one analyst. “The racists sits and waits for even the most benign catalyst to happen; a blown up dam, the wholesale riddling of a preschool with magazine-fed weapons, or an 8-man box-cutter rampage in a synagogue. Next thing you know, Mr. Islamophobe is looking at those Arabs celebrating in the streets with a whole new sense of malevolence. It’s just disgusting.”

Experts also warn that it may be impossible to stem the tide of exploding reports.

“The opportunists will use this report to justify their biases,” said one. “This will merely cause future exploding reports to have even more inflated statistics. It’s a sick cycle."

Authorities are looking into internment camps for all Jews, until the investigation into the explosion's cause is complete.

"They're most likely behind it," said one investiagtor.

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

Tony Danza's Go-Kart Crash Brings Awareness To Protective Hair Issue

Had Tony Danza not maintained the structural integrity
of his 1980's (l), hairstyle, Monday's go-kart crash (r), may
have had a different and disastrous end.

New York--Unhurt after an accident during a taping of the Tony Danza Show, Host Tony Danza capitalized on the accident with an endorsement for wearing protective hair gear.

Danza was racing NASCAR start Rusty Wallace on New York’s West 66th street, when Danza’s go-kart flipped on the corner turn. Wallace rushed to aide the 54-year-old television star, and found him in a “surprisingly good state of repair.”

Danza attributed his lack of substantial cranial injuries to his luxuriously thick head of hair.

“You can’t kill Tony Danza when he’s got his hair on,” he said. “ Two weeks after a haircut, I’m practically invincible.”

Safety experts agree.

“Mr. Danza is the sterling example for those inclined to ride precariously, without any kind of hair,” said one. “His hair has carried him through the early years of pugilistic competition, through the on-set tirades of Danny Devito, and right on through to this gut-wrenching crash. Hair helmet safety is something we all take for granted. Mr. Danza illustrated today, the thing veneer between action and disaster.”

Experts have yet to substantiate a reported link between Danza’s decades-long series of repeated blows to the head with the second tier roles he has maintained throughout the years, primarily Taxi, and Who’s The Boss?

Hillary Clinton Vows: "I'll Serve a Full 13-Months In Senate If Reelected"

Senator "completely ruling out" presidential run in 2006, 2007

Clinton: Vows to not let right-wing
attack machine drive her into premature
presidential politics. Vows to serve a
"full percentage" of her term if reelected.

Washington--Attempting to allay the fears of her own New York constituency, Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton is "complete ruling out" running for the presidency in the 2006 and 2007 election cycles.

"My goal is to become reelected as your senator in this, the greatest state in the union," she said. "And I swear to you until my dying breath: reelect me in 2006, and I'll give this state the most energetic 13-months in the legislative history of this state."

Constituents around the state have breathed a collective sigh of relief.

“We’ve been worried,” said 58-year-old Alf Eindit. “Worried that our protector—the literal vanguard of all that is good was going to become caught up in the narcissistic vortex of presidential politics. We now have her solemn oath that she won’t this year.”

Critics of the senator say that Senator Clinton is again hedging, and that the Presidential election isn’t until 2008—a year that transcends even Mrs. Clinton’s iron-clad promise. Her defenders say she is just suffering more right-wing attacks.

“If you want to listen to the Bloggers, Sean Hannity, and Rush Limbaugh say that the election is in 2008, then by George go ahead and believe it,” said one Hillary aide with a laugh. “We’re just going to be here plugging away for the good people of New York for the next 30 months.”

Monday, May 09, 2005

Oppressed, Voicless Celebrities Enter Sanctuary Of Blogosphere

Forum to allow Ellen Degeneres to finally tell world she's gay

Were it not for the glorious shores of cyberspace's open borders
ordinary Americans would never know the thoughts and opinions
of the indentured rich.

Los Angeles--As the clarion call of freedom sweeps cyberspace, some of Americas most repressed peoples have discovered that their otherwise fruitless cries can be heard--in the blogosphere.

"Once the genie of Blogging was let out of the bottle, there was no stopping it," said one media analyst. "AOL is to be applauded for what is literally, the informational Underground Railroad for those bound by largesse and opulence.”

Some of the more beleaguered, threadbare voices with which to contend: Ellen Degeneres, Rosie O’Donnell, Arianna Huffington, to name a few. Analysts are optimistic that the blogosphere’s Ellis Island-like qualities will level the flow of information, and give voiceless millionaires the chance to speak.

“There has been an absolute, societal moratorium on Ellen ‘s homosexuality becoming a part of the mainstream’s general knowledge,” said one. “This burgeoning medium will allow her to discuss gayness in a way that she would have never been able to, as she was limited to a single, relentless homo-centric tirade one night per week for 22 minutes. Now maybe people will finally come to find out she’s a lesbian.”

Others say that Rosie O’ Donnel’s freedom in discussing her perpetual, fork-to-mouth actions that have resulted in “significant augmentations of girth” may actually allow her to create her own therapeutic restraints with regard to culinary limits.

“Look, we know for a fact that she swallowed a producer like Jabba The Hut, the omnivorous, hermaphroditic slug with a serrated radula that shreds food as it is being swallowed,” said one noted critic. “There is significant self-hate from that. Rosie is seeking validation from ordinary people, and there is no better way to do that than with uninformed, semi-literate ankle-biting haiku’s, and mindless, retarded forays into poetry.”

Arianna Huffington appears to have a better initial understanding than most of her contemporaries, as most analysts contend she is a possessor of the infrequently cultivated, “birth control voice,” an unbelievable method of population control.

“The odd thing is, Ms. Huffington’s voice-to-listener ratios will be elevated sharply, by only being able to read her,” said the analyst. “Beyond that you’ve got Zsa Zsa Gabor on some kind of insecticide-laced hallucinogenic. Who wants to listen to that?”

Disagreements between analysts aside, all applaud the fact that the only thing missing from the informational exodus is Harriet Tubman.

“It wouldn’t exactly be Harriet Tubman,” said one observer. “But it would be Halle Berry playing the part of Harriet Tubman, leading her muzzled, millionaire soul-mates to an electronic Canaan's Land.”

Sunday, May 08, 2005

Court Rules Virgin Mary Likeness Violates Separation Of Church And Overpass

The 11th Circuit Court ruled that
high sodium content, it's veiled
allusions to Sodom & Gomorrah
are unconstitutional.

Chicago—A federal court has ruled that a salt-stain on the emergency turnoff area under the Kennedy Expressway violates “distinct and utterly inarguable” precepts laid down by the founding fathers.

What many followers believe is a sodium-based apparition of the Virgin Mary embracing Pope John Paul II upon his entrance to heaven has brought literally thousands from all over the country, to view the phenomena first hand, and thus prompted legal action by the court.

A unanimous ruling from the 11th Circuit Court of Appeals left no room for further redress:

The clear metaphorical visuals in this case cannot be ignored. Biblical references to roads are implicit and profound throughout this display, and thus an imperceptible stigma upon the non-believers is entirely possible, as subtle indoctrinations of right and wrong--and especially--a right road versus a wrong one are lurking to injurious potential.

The court also deems the dubious choice of an overpass in lieu of an underpass--clear structural allusions to Heaven, as opposed to any balance regard for perdition.

The manifestation, whether originating by accident, design, or another process unknown to this court, is extremely high in Sodium--commensurate with Lot's wife in the book of Genesis. Based upon this information, as well as the subtle, judgmental overtones relating salt, emergency exits, and Sodom & Gomorrah, we order the overpass to be remedied of all Biblical connections.

Plans for an appeal are being weighed, but the court's cauterizing opinion may leave no room for such endeavors.

Developing. . .

Saturday, May 07, 2005

Reporting Of April Jobs Surge Weaker Than Expected

Washington--The Labor Department's April report that exceeds jobs growth expectations by 104,000 jobs is getting reported at a rate far weaker than analysts had expected.

The report, which indicates a staggering addition of 274,000 jobs to the marketplace, appears to flounder in its ability to gain media traction. Some believe this could bode badly for future good economic news.

"What we have here, is the classic scenario where the majority of the public is fat, well-fed and at peace, yet have no idea they have any of those things," said one economist. "We are afraid that good news that grows too rapidly could cause an informational inflationary cycle that only be tempered with extremely bad news."

Other analysts believe that the rapidly-growing economy's lack of coverage lies in the more benign sins of media omission; routine displacement by hard-hitting coverage of the news.

"Look, there’s a runaway bride out there," said one analyst. "Throw in a dash of American Idol, Brad and Jennifer, and who knows what else, and you've got a populace with no idea they're living in a great economy with too much time on their hands."

Harry Reid To Replace Estelle Getty In Golden Girls Reunion

Prattling, Abrasive geriatric to be skillfully aped by acid-tongued democrat

Sen. Reid is expected to easily fill the "practically unfillable"
shoes left behind by Estelle Getty's pivotal character. Sudden,
incoherent fits of obscenity, and generally vulgar discourse are
paramount to the role.

Washington--Hopes for an official Golden Girls reunion show were all but dashed against the rocks of Estelle Getty's impending senility, as true age takes its toll. Those hopes were rescued yesterday, in the light of public comments made by the leading Democrat about President Bush.

Senator Harry Reid referred to Bush as a "loser" during a discussion on Filibusters.

"This is exactly the kind of incoherent prattling that made Ms. Getty's part so endearing," said one executive behind the protracted reunion. "One minute she's make some caustic sexual innuendo, embarrassing an entire room, and the next she's telling an entire evening soirée she wears rubber underpants. Harry Reid bears these exact same moments of senility. We need that, and we need it now."

Reid claims his remarks were "out of line," and has since apologized.

"And that's exactly why we need him right there between Bea Arthur, Betty White, and Rue McClanahan " said the executive. "Because he is a loose cannon. Not deliberately malicious--his atrophied cognitive processes and calcified synapses ensure that he's not mean. He's just headed for a rest home. Why not forge a lucrative and memorable cameo out of it?"

Reid is said to be considering the honorarium as a tribute to "all prattling, vulgar and downright offensive matriarchs," and that he could "only hope to match" the kind of semi-coherent, irretrievably damaging levels of rhetoric achieved by Getty's character.

Friday, May 06, 2005

MSNBC To Expose The Dark World Of Abstinence

Movement could be front for backdoor abortion reduction, say experts

New York--Energized by reports that the runaway bride's motivation was her fiancée’s abstinence beliefs; MSNBC now says they will tackle "The dark, mystical, and ever-expanding" cult of non-fornicators, who continue to influence the cultural debate.

"We have commissioned our own, undercover reporter to infiltrate a local sect of vociferous non-fornicators," said one MSNBC executive. "To try and get a closer look at what could possibly be the next moral pandemic in this country."

Sources say Hiraldo Rivera was immediately dismissed as a potential undercover for this, as was The Insider’s Pat O’Brien.

Abstinence advocates say that "saving themselves" before marriage enriches the marriage covenant, and substantially lowers the possibility for adultery, but most importantly, the transmission of STD's. Experts commissioned by the network disagree.

“To try and blanket say that an occasional sin against God and against one’s own flesh is stupefyingly ignorant,” said one expert. To engage in the abstinence movement is in a term—sexual McCarthyism. To subscribe to the Tenets of II Timothy 2:22, as many of these people do, is a venture into unmitigated isolationist thinking—and is exceedingly dangerous.”

Executives inside NBC also say the true catalyst for their investigative foray is the recent account of 32 year old Jennifer Wilbanks, of Duluth Georgia, also known as the “runaway bride.”

“We have it on good authority, that Miss Wilbanks’ fiancée is a devoted practitioner of this quasi-occultic doctrine of non-fornication,” said one. “It makes complete sense. The bride was so offended by her lack of intimate contact with her fiancée, that she boarded a bus to run away from that lack of intimate contact. When we see these small-but-significant hemorrhages in our moral fabric, it is the job of the press to do something about it.”

Others believe that the abstinence movement could be a backhanded conspiracy by pro-lifers to rob feminists of their abortion sacraments.

"They can't win in the courts," said one source. "So our guess is they will stop at nothing to end our right to choose. Even if that means circumventing the whole issue by eliminating unwanted conceptions. Sick. Just sick."

Unpopulated Mars Already In Need Of Landfill

Scientists discover "hard evidence" of own existence

This AP/NASA photo shows what scientists believe to be a parachute, and its corresponding Mars Polar Lander. One NASA noted that "discovering our own existence through Mars exploration" was a moment for his grandchildren to hear about

Cape Canaveral--As NASA scientists continue to scour the face of Mars, analysts within the aerospace organization are admitting that repeated pummeling of the planet with metallic hybrids and non-biodegradable textiles could make their search for life difficult.

"We have concluded in our findings that we exist," said one NASA insider. "We have also concluded that since we exist, that some remotely-guided waste management system would be in the best interest of that planet as well."

Most say that any assumed microscopic organisms that may live on the red planet will have a hard time moving discarded rovers and unwieldy parachute material.

"Chances are, they won't even be able to budge it," said one scientist. “Although we admit outside our professional job-description, that it would be funny to se the stuff moving around like an ant-toted picnic basket from Yogi & Boo Boo.

Developing . . .

Thursday, May 05, 2005

Pedestrian’s Right-Of-Way Smirk Fails Invincibility Test

Paramedics try in vain to resuscitate 34-year-old Johnny
Downing, who successfully convinced authorities the right-
of-way did belong to him.

New York—A pedestrian, reportedly bearing a facial posture “asserting his right-of-way,” provided a non-scientific support of the theory that walking in front of moving vehicles while asserting those rights may not make one immune to mortal injury.

34-year-old Johnny Downing, of Manhattan, was killed by an SUV while attempting to support the latently accepted bromide, that the arrogant exhibition of pedestrian prioritization codes in automotive law provides an “impregnable buffer” against a fast approaching winch, and corrugated grillwork.

One odd twist in the story, however, deals with the way Mr.Downing’s untimely demise has benefited communities other than that of the organ-donor kind.

“The science community thanks the decedent,” said one scientist from Cedar Sinai Medical Center. “We have for years attempted to find a humane way to test this theory in a clinical atmosphere, but have had numerous philosophical and ethical hurdles to cross before we could ever even approach such research. One erroneous crosswalk navigation with a presumptuous visage may have done all of our work for us. The trade journal research paper has practically written itself.”

Analysts say that Downing’s death could have “reverberating effects” with regards to how the pedestrian community views themselves, and their true allotment in the automotive food chain.

A Delinquent, Gratitudinous Aside

It seems like the last two or three times I have decided to rant, rave, vociferate and peel off with a vengeance has entailed primarily, the looming desire to shelve this blog. This post will not enter that water, whatsoever.

I will point out to my good friends in the blogosphere, that I am aware that you all link to me millions of more times than I link to you, with the exception of my blogroll itself. I am also blessed to have those same friends understand that the one unfortunate drawback to my satire/news format is that I masquerade as an editor to seemingly real news. And since real news gives the distinct impression that they are some kind of primary source, I have to assume the same, arrogantly contrived posture. I have the belief that high mockery must set off a few key synapses of familiarity in order to be funny. Thus, I am somewhat manacled in a procedural sense.

But I feel that I must break character for another aside of thanksgiving to a few friends. I will not be giving a statistically mundane boiling-down of my entire blogroll this time. Instead, I would like to thank a few faithful friends, who have breathed life into some otherwise rigor-mortically inclined cyber-nostrils—in no real order, as all of these are of great import to me—personally and otherwise. Though the catalyst for this post is my simulataneous linkings by both LaShawn Barber and Michelle Malkin, I must say that those would never have happened without the love and faithfulness of my equals. To wit:

WAZZADEM: John is a sincerely funny man. He is also a black-belt in the fine art of empathetic encouragement. He also beat me to LaShawn Barber’s blogroll, and was then nice enough to not try to put a mystical cloak around his answer when I asked him how he managed that. He is also a true friend to me behind the scenes, and is one of only a few reasons I even kept this blog on line.

SONDRAK: And this would be one of my other reasons. I got a good earful from her about the ebbs and flows of this game, and some much-needed cheering up. She’s a fireball of the highest order, and has acquired the craziest links of information for me in the clutch. It was her that made the difference between my shelving a hilarious bit and putting it up for human consumption, because of her appallingly complex connections.

BASIL'S BLOG: I've got to tell you. I get a ridiculously steady stream of traffic from this guy, and it’s because he links to me in a ridiculously steady manner. No one has given me the consistently complimentary exposure, and for that alone I cannot thank him enough. But to top it off, he’s one real nice guy.

BEAUTIFUL ATROCITIES: I always know that if I get a sudden, unexplainable spike in my clicker count, it’s because Jeff was reading me and linked to me. I can always get a straight answer from him, whenever I’ve had a question, but there’s something else I want to add about Jeff over there: Chances are he is covering something nobody else is, and doing it funnier than anybody else could, even if they were covering it. He kills me.

TIME HATH FOUND US: Tom Spence: Steady reader, steady commenter, and all around organic part of this blog as far as I’m concerned. I’ve also managed to not blogroll him for some reason—until now. Sorry about that, Tom.

DECISION ’08: Another of the good ones. Managed to get a barrage of traffic from Instapundit with one infinitesimally sized link. I will not forgive him for that.

CRANKY NEOCON: Somehow, I bet you thought I forgot about you over there. Nope.

Okay, so I am going to have to pour through my comments list, and see who I’ve forgotten, because I know I have. If I have please email me, and let me have it. I promise I’ll make good on it.

ABC SHOCKER: Paula Abdul's Massive Influence Put Idol Contestant Into 10th Place

Sexual affair with judge may have somehow obscured violent rap sheet from authorities

Critics of FOX claim that Corey Clark's alleged affair with
marginally-talented singer Paula Abdul, may have covered his violent
rap sheet from authorities, thus robbing another unknown singer from
the coveted 10th place postion

Los Angeles--The ABC News special, PrimeTime Live, is reporting information that could knock the FOX television favorite off its sizeable pedestal.

Corey Clark, a former contestant on the star-making program, contended that Abdul’s personal ministrations are what allowed him to sail to “unimaginable heights of mediocrity,” and that her “further personal attentions” are what made it possible for an ordinary young man from Anywhere, USA to reach 10th place in the competition.

FOX claims Clark is a liar and opportunist, and Abdul denies the allegations.

Political news analysts from around the nation believe that, despite the questionable veracity of the allegations, the situation at large still does not bode well for FOX.

“What we have here, is the makings of the undoing of a network,” said one analyst. “Public perception is everything. This is not some benign act, like hacking out a .pdf document harmful to the Bush camp. This is a 42–year old choreographer bedding down with a 22-year old singer, thus robbing an unknown musical soldier of their slightly-augmented rightful slot in utterly forgettable obscurity.”

Outraged fans of those dismissed earlier than Clark said that they were “ready to go to war” over the 10th place allotment, and have symbolically erected a “Tomb of the Unknown 9th Runner-Up.”

“This is serious business,” said one. “We kneed closure, and we need to know who really belonged in that unimaginably obscure and unfruitful 10th position. We will not stop until the cacophonous, non-diatonic screams of the real loser are heard.”

Clark was ultimately kicked off the show, when his rap sheet, including battery charges and resisting arrest came to the surface. Critics of FOX say that sex with Paula Abdul may have clouded the judgment of the independent office that investigates contestants.

“Had he been kicked out at stratification 32, it wouldn’t be an issue,” said one. “But he had to go off and sleep with Paula. “Doesn’t he realize she gives out the same complimentary barrage to every single singer on the show? What a waste of energy, especially when your past is going to take you out anyway.”

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

Judge Greer Orders Brain-Damaged Firefighter To Move To Florida

Feeding tube to be inserted upon arrival, says court

Miami--Acting on the testimony of medical officials in New York, Pinellas County court judge, George Greer, has ordered brain-injured firefighter, George Herbert and his family, to move to Florida immediately.

"The court finds the testimony of Dr. Jamil Amhed to be especially compelling," said judge Greer in his written opinion. "His references to Mr. Herbert's 'almost being in a persistent vegetative coma state,' require the immediate enactment of an unfortunate and prolonged legal battle. The court orders Mr. Herbert to become the recipient of liquidated food through a feeding tube, until this court later deems it appropriate to deprive him of said nourishment."

Herbert was injured in a house fire in 1995, and has not spoken a word. Saturday, he awoke, asked for his wife, and engaged them heartily for the next 14 hours, until he fell asleep. Since then he has lapsed in and out of varying degrees of lucidity. Democratic activists say that despite Mr. Herbert's conversational bent in recent days, that his animations and dialogue are really a cry for help.

“Judge Greer’s foresight is simply amazing,” said California senator, Barbara Boxer. “By getting this man his needed nourishment through a feeding tube, it brings the whole unfortunate situation into focus. That tube needs to be there for the sake of everyone—the family, the judges. When the time comes to remove it, we won’t have to do the legal backtracking of having it installed, only to immediately take it right back out—like taping off a house before you paint.”

Paris Hilton To Introduce Name Brand Line Of Mattress/Backpack Hybrids

Says new prototype “cotton technology” key to success

Paris Hilton(left) discusses her protoype invention(right) with MTV. The heiress is hoping that the obvious portability of slutty consummation venues will "take right off"

New York--Keeping in line with her ever-growing list of public roles, Hotel heiress, Paris Hilton is adding one more item to her already voluminous signature product series: a new backpack-mattress hybrid.

"I'm like an American princess," said Hilton. "Except that I've slept with most of the country. This new product shows the delicate balance between jet-setting billionairess and flagrant whore that I've been looking for."

When asked why she ended her quote with a preposition, Hilton bristles. "Duh," she said. "How do you think anybody gets a date with me?"

Hilton also says her new signature product will include the latest, state-of-the art materials.

“We have this, like cotton. I read this really neat ad in Cosmo, where I think they said that cotton would like, take over the textile industry. I told my design team, get that stuff no matter what is costs.”

Hilton also said that she has “personally commissioned” a new industrial line of “super machines,” that mechanically sew thread through material at “fast rates of speed”

Hilton's Edge: The mystical device
that will allow for the mass proliferation
of her dream.

“It’s way faster than hand-sewing,” she said. “I can’t wait for this technology to get out there.”

As far as the actual product, Hilton admits that combining the rigorous schedule of travel with wanton, sexual peccadilloes into a single product can be a bit risky from a marketing standpoint.

“Maybe it’s just me,” she said, laughing. “Maybe I marketed it for me and my friends.”

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

North Korean Missile Bullseye Brings Plankton To Negotiating Table

Dead-hit on ocean "a work of the gods," say invertebrates

Kim Jung Il's tenacious hold on missile technology(left) is
responsible for a maritime armistice signed by Plankton(right),
who are said to also be leading Pyongyang officials to rogue
pockets of Sea Monkeys

Pyongyang--The United Plankton Coalition announced today that they "are willing to deal" with the North Korean government, after the regime launched a test missile into the Sea of Japan.

"Once we saw the awesome power of a Sea-of Japan seeking missile, we realized our jig was up," said one senior Plankton representative. "We know when we've been beat, and we got the message."

Analysts say that North Korea's dead-on hit of the Sea of Japan indicates that the regime is "way ahead" of potential rivals in the region.

"We expect a wholesale surrender of substantial marine life in the wake of this," said one analyst. "It is clear that Pyongyang now dominates the uncharted, maritime regions with their nuclear prowess."

North Korean scientists, while impregnably secretive, have noted that their breakthroughs in technology, allowing a tactical missile to zero in on a target as small as the 405,000 square mile body of water, have gained them "huge points" with North Korean dictator, Kim Jung Il.

"The world trembles." North Korean tactical missile
technology has now allowed for a successful, first-strike
test against the hard-to-hit Sea of Japan.

"We have, through theoretically nonviolent means, brought an entire sea of testy pelagic invertebrates to the table, all without having to dispatch the Blue Whale," said one. "Next phase for us will be a bunker buster of sorts--the kind that will have the Gastropods and Porifera knocking at the door of our Great Republic."

The North Korean noted that their "international stock has now gone through the roof," and that "they have the technological means" to bring "any nefarious calamari to their tentacles."

"Mr. Bush, take a hard look at our power," said a spokesman for Pyongyang. "We now own the 19th century."

Sunday, May 01, 2005

Existential Hispanics Angered By Profiling

Runaway bride sets fabricated abductors' rights back 50 years, say activists

Non existent hispanic activists plead with the public to refrain
from "the reckless employment" of their good name for
exculpatory purposes.

Duluth Georgia--A coalition of non-existent Hispanics gathered in a press conference today, to express their "outrage and disgust" at their initial implication in the abduction of a Georgia woman who disappeared earlier in the week. The woman turned out to be a runaway bride, whose cold feet took her all the way to New Mexico.

"Why is it, that whenever an unstable, scrubbed and shiny Caucasian woman wants to siphon off her preposterous behavior, that she has to implicate the existential Hispanics?" asked one figmentary Latino. "Can’t she just leave us alone?”

32 year-old Jennifer Wilbanks, originally set to marry her fiancée Saturday, called her family from a New Mexico pay phone, and told them she had been abducted by a Hispanic man and a Caucasian woman. Police later informed the public that her story unraveled quickly, with apparently little or no coercion. Experts worry that Miss Wilbanks’ wanton use of the "Ethereal Latino" ploy will carry over into more serious crimes against the non-existent.

“This is a seriously slippery-slope,” said one analyst. “There exists the distinct danger of crossover with regards to an already dense crime-statistic deluge. We certainly don’t want to start factoring in the crimes of the non-existent with the tangible—especially when those non-existents are of minority status.”

The activists said that the main focus of their speaking out was to "raise awareness of our non existence," and that they hoped to counteract the wanton use of their plight for exculpatory purposes.

"We just want people to know we are still not here, not waiting for our chance to be heard," they said.

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