Tuesday, February 08, 2005

Eason Jordan Issuing Press Credentials To Senior Al-Queida Operatives

Washington--The head of CNN's news division, Eason Jordan, who made a speech last month accusing American forces of killing and torturing journalists, has attempted to put feet to his accusations in the form of press credentials for those who do fit the kill/torture template: Senior Al Queida Operatives.

"It's not so much that I am attempting to deputize these people," he said. "But no one can argue that these people are there--they're on the ground and in the trenches, right at the front lines of the war . . . kind of like . . . well . . . like the twelve or so journalists who've . . . um, died."

Mr. Jordan would not concede that running to and fro with a microphone and camera where bullets are being fired may have contributed to the deaths, independent of any perceived malfeasance from the Bush Administration.

"No, this is a Pentagon directive," he said. "I know this, because I've seen American forces planting .pdf files detrimental to the president right near the Claymore mines, and then emailing Dan Rather. And you know how Dan gets when there's that kind of opportunity. I understand he'll have about 76 paternity suits hitting his door in about seven more months, thanks to one badly-timed Kinko's fax."

Jordan said he was not intimately familiar with the aphrodisiacical properties of bad journalism, but said "The anecdotal evidence is there."

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