Monday, May 30, 2005

Jacques Chirac Threatens Rebellious Electorate With Wagner's Lohengrin

Clanging German opera to remind them of "who their daddy is."

Paris--Reeling in the aftermath of his most stinging presidential repudiation, French president, Jacques Chirac told the French people they are "subject to the incessant, and merciless repetition" of Wagner's Lohengrin, Prelude to Act III.

"I am now forced to invoke the putrid winds of the past," said Chirac, stinging from the French people’s outright rejection of the European Constitution. "I swear I'll call up Gerhard Schroeder and just sign this whole sissified country over to Germany, if I have to. Just give me a reason."

Chirac then announced the confirmation of their worst fears: The commandeering of the French airwaves for the purpose of blaring Wagner's Lohengrin "until the political temperature of the people has made significant change."

Many are horrified.

"The last thing you want to do is tick off Le Worm," said one French supporter of the ratification. "First it's Lohengrin, after that who knows what--John Williams's Stormtrooper music?"

President Chirac noted that he "would not take such humiliation lightly."

"If it takes Wagner to make you understand the importance of a united front against George W. Bush, then that's what I'm going to do," Chirac told his people on live television. "But I am not just going to sit here with a pile of cacophonous brass ensemble music and thing to myself, I would never utilize this for disciplinary cause. Wrong wrong."

President Bush called Chirac early this morning and cautioned Chirac against the "Lohengrin Option."

"If any of that racket seeps over the North Korean peninsula, then you've just about started World War III," said Bush. "I am urging my own Congress to look into alternative sources of music, even here."

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