Monday, May 09, 2005

Oppressed, Voicless Celebrities Enter Sanctuary Of Blogosphere

Forum to allow Ellen Degeneres to finally tell world she's gay

Were it not for the glorious shores of cyberspace's open borders
ordinary Americans would never know the thoughts and opinions
of the indentured rich.

Los Angeles--As the clarion call of freedom sweeps cyberspace, some of Americas most repressed peoples have discovered that their otherwise fruitless cries can be heard--in the blogosphere.

"Once the genie of Blogging was let out of the bottle, there was no stopping it," said one media analyst. "AOL is to be applauded for what is literally, the informational Underground Railroad for those bound by largesse and opulence.”

Some of the more beleaguered, threadbare voices with which to contend: Ellen Degeneres, Rosie O’Donnell, Arianna Huffington, to name a few. Analysts are optimistic that the blogosphere’s Ellis Island-like qualities will level the flow of information, and give voiceless millionaires the chance to speak.

“There has been an absolute, societal moratorium on Ellen ‘s homosexuality becoming a part of the mainstream’s general knowledge,” said one. “This burgeoning medium will allow her to discuss gayness in a way that she would have never been able to, as she was limited to a single, relentless homo-centric tirade one night per week for 22 minutes. Now maybe people will finally come to find out she’s a lesbian.”

Others say that Rosie O’ Donnel’s freedom in discussing her perpetual, fork-to-mouth actions that have resulted in “significant augmentations of girth” may actually allow her to create her own therapeutic restraints with regard to culinary limits.

“Look, we know for a fact that she swallowed a producer like Jabba The Hut, the omnivorous, hermaphroditic slug with a serrated radula that shreds food as it is being swallowed,” said one noted critic. “There is significant self-hate from that. Rosie is seeking validation from ordinary people, and there is no better way to do that than with uninformed, semi-literate ankle-biting haiku’s, and mindless, retarded forays into poetry.”

Arianna Huffington appears to have a better initial understanding than most of her contemporaries, as most analysts contend she is a possessor of the infrequently cultivated, “birth control voice,” an unbelievable method of population control.

“The odd thing is, Ms. Huffington’s voice-to-listener ratios will be elevated sharply, by only being able to read her,” said the analyst. “Beyond that you’ve got Zsa Zsa Gabor on some kind of insecticide-laced hallucinogenic. Who wants to listen to that?”

Disagreements between analysts aside, all applaud the fact that the only thing missing from the informational exodus is Harriet Tubman.

“It wouldn’t exactly be Harriet Tubman,” said one observer. “But it would be Halle Berry playing the part of Harriet Tubman, leading her muzzled, millionaire soul-mates to an electronic Canaan's Land.”

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