Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Newsweek Begins Damage Control By Calling For Sanctions Against Israel

Says Jews may have planted cognitive "fiction bombs" near columnist
Washington--Hoping to stem an exponentially growing tide of criticism, Newsweek will be publishing an editorial in next week's edition calling for "dramatic sanctions" against the nation of Israel.

"It is our firm belief that Israel's very existence is at the root of these unfortunate series of events," writes Newsweek. "And despite our own journalistic shortcomings, these things pale in comparison to the imperial hegemony of the Zionists, forever keeping the Palestinians in chains--figuratively, if not literally."

Newsweek insiders say there is a "preponderance of evidence" to suggest that Jewish activists may have planted the wayward paragraph in the mind of reporter Michael Isikoff.

"We know those people are into state-of-the-art dissemination techniques," said one source. "All one needs to do is find a way to fuse the technology of a bunker buster with a bogus Koran desecration story, and you've got our people yelling 'fire' in a crowded arena."

Newsweek also claims to have identified "clear and present" Jews for arrest on the backside of a successful forensic examination of Isikoff's brain.

"We know it's them," said the source. "Besides, these are the types of jobs a black would never take."

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