Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Report On Rising Anti-Muslim Bias Explodes, Killing 10

The Council on American-Islamic Relations'
report never made it to the press pool, as it exploded,
killing mostly children, and most likely fomenting
undue bias against Muslims. Jews are to blame, most likely.

Newark, NJ—A new report indicating that anti-Muslim crimes are at an all time, post September 11th high, exploded in the car of the envoy delivering the report, killing 10.

The report by the Council on American-Islamic Relations, purported to definitively attribute the rise in “Islamophobia” to a steady diet of anti-Muslim rhetoric by public officials, talk-show hosts, along with a general societal intolerance toward people of Islamic faith. It exploded into shards before the report could be notarized. Most of the victims were children.

Council members say that the explosion has “the definite whiff” of conspiratorial merit.

“It is clear that an infidel is behind this,” said one council member. “They do not want the truth of intolerance exposed to the light. For that, we will slice the carotid arteries of their babies and marinade the eyeballs in blood until they see things through the eyes of Allah--the one true and peaceful God.”

Analysts say that uncouth remarks about Islam represent a “grotesque, nazi-like overcorrection” to the attacks on September 11th, 2001.

“Here’s how it works,” said one analyst. “The racists sits and waits for even the most benign catalyst to happen; a blown up dam, the wholesale riddling of a preschool with magazine-fed weapons, or an 8-man box-cutter rampage in a synagogue. Next thing you know, Mr. Islamophobe is looking at those Arabs celebrating in the streets with a whole new sense of malevolence. It’s just disgusting.”

Experts also warn that it may be impossible to stem the tide of exploding reports.

“The opportunists will use this report to justify their biases,” said one. “This will merely cause future exploding reports to have even more inflated statistics. It’s a sick cycle."

Authorities are looking into internment camps for all Jews, until the investigation into the explosion's cause is complete.

"They're most likely behind it," said one investiagtor.

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