Saturday, January 29, 2005

Ralph Nader To Take On Piano Wire Seatbelt Industry

May seek to eradicate pianos entirely

Consumer Advocate and former presidential contender, Ralph Nader, has announced his intent to oppose piano-wire seatbelts.

"You're bought and sold, I'm bought and sold," he said. "And Big Piano has a lot to do with the way we lead our lives."

Nader indicated that he is aware of a "sinister attempt" by Big Piano to market their smaller strings in the secondary form of seatbelts. "This blatant repackaging ploy has gone unnoticed too long." he said. "And I'm calling their bluff."

Ralph Nader: "We cannot expect
the piano wire industry to police itself."

Executives in the piano-wire industry say that this is "hogwash," and that even a single cleanly-detached torso during a sudden stop would "cause a dramatic fiscal readjustment, dramatically cutting our market share." They claim it is therefore "not cost efficient" to enter such a market because of these wildcards.

Yet, The Therapist has spoken with anonymous sources that show a supplementary business relationship between Big Piano and the Helicopter Ejection Seat Industry, although no one is willing to comment on what is referred to as a "symbiotic business relationship."

Nader says he is aware of these allegations as well, but that he needs to focus on bringing down Big Piano, what he refers to as the "corporate Goliath of the seatbelt industry."

"We cannot allow ourselves to become fatigued, or distracted by the periphery." He said.

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