Thursday, March 10, 2005

Wireless Internet program Allows Ethiopians To Google™ Images Of Food, Water

Corporation's sign-up perks to include virtual weight-gain

Would Rather Eat Something: Mahatma Gezhagne
doesn't even know how to turn on his brand-new silver, 2121,
1.2 Ghz, Intel Celeron laptop computer. Overt hunger and scurvy
are overshadowing his appreciation for high bandwidth and unlimited
web surfing capabilites.

Johannesburg-- A brand new, Africa-centric proposal by the MTN corporation will allow starving, oppressed people equal access to cyberspace. The new NG program, is hoping to equip key areas of the continent for wireless, broadband internet service.

"We feel there has been a distinct, yawning chasm between the have-internet's and the have-not Internet's," said Bill Lung, one of MTN's reconnaissance executives. "We have discovered that while these oppressive governments will not allow the free flow of market forces here, that they will allow their people to Google™ pictures of food."

Lung believes the psychological impact of pictures of food could lead to a revolutionary overthrow of the violent, Marxist and Muslim governments that rule most of Africa.

"Imagine if you will, one small village suffering the ravages of scurvy and cholera," said Lung. "Here we leave with them a little seed--the ability to Ask Jeeves™ for links to pictures of people who suffer from neither. This is the stuff uprisings are made of."

Critics of the wireless internet proposal say that corporate involvement in the country should involve ways to ameliorate the drastic effects of totalitarian regimes directly. Lung Disagrees.

"What can be more direct than a virtual connection to the outside world, with free web hosting and pop-up blocking?" He said. "We are including a small, prototype photo enhancing program that adds weight to individuals in a time-release, chronological capacity. Those in the Sudan, Nigeria, and Ethiopia can watch their virtual health improve."

Outside observers said that the introduction of the food pyramid screen-saver might re-open psychological scars suffered by those with Egyptian heritage. Lung takes umbrage yet again.

"The difference this time is that they are building a virtual pyramid of misplaced optimism, with the pharaoh being their own gastrointestinal deficits," said Lung. "We are offering them competitive bandwidth, and blood resistant keyboards for any excessively violent Hutu uprisings."

Villager around Africa sound ambivalent. "How is a computer laptop going to whisk the flies away from my infant's distended belly?' said one Nigerian woman, who just recieved a Toshiba P25-S607 with a gigantic 17-inch, 16x9 aspect ratio screen. "I think this is a renovation suited for Capetown, or Johannesburg, not The Congo. I'll trade my modem for that sandwich."

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