Monday, May 30, 2005

Moderate Senators Sign Monroe Doctrine Compromise

U.S. to eliminate own military, enemies can only invade under "extraordinary circumstances."

Washington--Noting a string of inordinately rapid successes, the now famous "senate 14" took to the airwaves today, to say they have "now successfully eliminated the polemics inherent in the Monroe Doctrine, with regard to Europe, as well as our enemies."

The Monroe Doctrine essentially states that any attempted colonization of the American regions would be considered an antagonistic undertaking. Noting the Doctrine was aimed primarily towards Europe at the time, senator Lindsay Graham assured the rest of the world that the "invasion option" would be applied liberally, and equally, towards all.

"We feel that this agreement brings the entire malevolent cadre of nations together," said Graham. "So the tactical waters are just as warm for North Korea and China as they would be for Britain, Spain, and even France."

Graham spelled out the essential root of the agreement:

  • The United States would be allowed to implement the next three reconnaissance/offensive attacks against the insurgency in Iraq without fear of retribution.
  • The United States will then completely dismantle it's military, at home and abroad.
  • The United States would then allow for the wholesale elimination of Israel and the Jewish people.
  • Under this agreement, axis aggressors would then only launch attacks, invasions, and sieges under "extraordinary circumstances."

Members of the tentative European Union applauded the Senators, for their "vision and hopes for the future of America's enemies."

"This very slim crossection of men has proven that the course of human events can be altered for the best, when they break from their Constitutional shackles," said one UN spokeman. "There is nothing left to fear but fear--and extraordinary circumstances."

California senator Barbara Boxer is expected to take to the floor today to filibuster the Unites States' three remaining military options.

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