Thursday, May 19, 2005

Report: Russian Grenadiers Only "Days Away" From Acquiring Pin-Pulling Technology

Russia claiming development of new fragmentation fire extinguisher

This Soviet-era RGD-5 fragmentation grenade
could have proven fatal to Mr. Bush, had its
possessors known the mysterious technological
subtleties hiding literal inches from their own thumbs.

Washington--An FBI report released yesterday sent shivers down the collective spines of lawmakers, as word spread that maverick assassins in the former Soviet republic may sit on the precipice of grenade-deployment technology.

“We know for a fact, that rogue elements would seek to acquire and employ the techniques required to successfully pull the pin from a fragmentation grenade,” said the report. “And unless we are able to stop the informational hemorrhaging in our own political body, there is little we can do to stop it.”

The report follows an incident in the republic of Georgia, in which an attempted grenade deployment was revealed to be legitimately dangerous to President Bush, and believed to be an attempt on his life. The red t-shirt in which the device was wrapped muted the grenade’s firing pin, resulting in failure.

“The problem is, we know our enemies are erudite, well-read, and cerebral,” said one member of the FBI. “It will not take long before they understand the anti-catalytic properties of cotton underwear, and its counterproductive presence on the battlefield.”

Russian officials deny that satellite photographs of Russian forces engaging in pin-pulling exercises is in any way related to grenade attacks, but say the prolonged drills are a significant part of a fire-safety program, in which encyclopedic knowledge of fire-extinguishers is paramount.

“One must be able to retrieve the extinguisher, eliminate the restrictor pin, and deploy the contents in the direction of a conflagration while blindfolded,” said a Russian official. “What you are seeing in you surveillance video is a prototype exploding fire extinguisher, the effectiveness of which is maximized by throwing the device towards the fire while taking cover.”

Washington officials have only committed to a "wait and see" approach to the new extinguishers.

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