Friday, February 04, 2005

Millions To Be Indicted In US, "Work-For-Money" Scandal

Joe Six-Pack being replaced by Jim Jump-On-Board, and Clara Class-Action

(Left) Will either serve jail time, or craft one-liners for Late Night
TV. (right) needs to realize sex-symbol potential, and capitalize on it,
or see prison.
Photo from Photo from

Washington--Millions of Americans are set to be indicted for embezzlement this year in the oft-touted U.S., "Work For Money" program. Upcoming Attorney General, Roberto Gonzales, is already grappling with the enormity of such an undertaking.

"Between the inflated welfare rolls, able-bodied twenty-somethings drawing permanent disability, and hyperbolous tort case settlements, we will literally be taking half the country to court at one time." he said. "Somewhere along the line, these people have availed themselves to the money part of the program, without the utilizing the requisite work avenues spelled out in the program itself."

Others are comparing the abuses to welfare itself, or known colloquially as the "Money For Babies" program, although advocates claim that the program is really more a cog in an unfortunate wheel. An administration official discussed the program's obvious flaws. One of his primary concerns was disability insurance fraud, and how to deal with it.

"We really have two options," he said. "We can either cut them from the rolls completely and expediently, or we can enact what is known as the 'incremental siege.'" The Therapist asked him to elaborate on the second point.

"The "siege" as it were, is the technique of redefining the meaning of 'work.' The hallmark of the disability respondent is the broad claim that anything requiring supervised, physical labor is out of their reach. All we need to do is broaden the general term to include the vigorous and unrelenting spawning of illegitimate children, the wearing of wife-beater tank tops in public, and slapping drunken high-five's with each other every time they hear Steppenwolf's Born To Be Wild."

Other administration officials are toying with the idea of forcing "Why Lie, I need a beer" guys into writing copy for Conan O'Brien. Mandatory Supportive undergarments for the women is also on the table--with a spandex bicycle pants exclusion.

The biggest logistical problem for Gonzales, is taking half the country to court.

"We will literally have to call the entire work force into jury duty at the same time." he said. "One thing is for sure. The workforce will not be there to pay into the system, but you can bet your bottom dollar these people will volley themselves out of their unregistered gross-polluters to collect it anyway."

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