Friday, January 28, 2005

Hell Enlarging Self To accommodate Blue States, Baby Boomers

Gehenna--Upper-management incubi this morning announced ambitious plans to enlarge Hell to accommodate both the heavily-populous blue states, as well as an expected influx in baby-boomer customer service.

Associate Prince of Darkness, Abbaddon Cronos, said that "blue state census numbers indicate that it only takes a few of them to demographically match a large portion of America's red real estate." Blue states require far less actual sorting, as they maintain a distinctly purebred form of reprobation. "One catastrophic outpouring on the east coast, and we'll be binding hands and feet and tossing them into outer darkness until we are blue in the face." He said.

Lake of Fire: While red states do provide
some inflow, Hell is bracing for the potential
influx of blue-staters, along with the guaranteed
barrage of baby-boomers

Cronos also said that while imminent widespread destruction of a single blue state is relatively remote, a sudden, unstoppable influx of baby-boomers over the next few years isn't.

"It's going to be bad," he said. "Worse than Christmas time at WalMart. And good, infernal help is so hard to find these days."

Cronos said that the boomer's unrelenting, narcissistic self-importance, and tendency to believe every event in their life is worthy of an epic film trilogy are the the primary factors in their eternal consignment. "They definitely have a Lucifer Complex" he said. When asked if he thought the tide may be stemmed from an unexpected, mass repentance in boomer circles, Cronos smiled knowingly.

"No," he said. "That kind of epiphany would require you to look at your generational disfunctions under a bright light. Anybody who believes Woodstock ended the Vietnam war has no chance in . . . Well, you know."

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