Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Doctors Hail Cardiovascular Benefits Of Mindless Rioting

Taking time out from their work-a-day schedule of cursing infidels to hell, Muslims of all ages still find time to fit in some unbridled mayhem, arson, and aggravated murder. Doctors say that despite the deaths of 17 people, the averge Muslim's life expectancy goes up with each protest.

Washington--As the fallout from Newsweek's false-story about the desecration of a Koran at Guantanamo bay reaches critical mass, doctors are saying that there are "imperceptible yet beneficial side effects" to mindless rioting and mayhem.

"The jury is still out on most of this, mind you," said one medical expert. "But we do know the benefits from an exacerbated heart rate in terms of cardiovascular maintenance, and that means that intermittent fits of aggregate homicide, elevated use of caustic chemicals and pyrotechnics, and the occasional homosexual foray are all cleansing processes.”

Experts also say that the rioters inability to understand a major media retraction’s negative obviations may overshadow its numerous health benefits as well.

“People don’t realize that the next cache of suicide bombers will also hold the high-watermark in cardiovascular health,” said one expert. “Chances are, when they retrieve the dismembered organ from a Jewish elementary school, that it will still be beating to some degree. That my friend, makes Pilates look like a piker’s workout.”

The Mindless Muslim workout contains five basic ingredients of success:

  • A complete body warm up, initiated by "taking to the streets."
  • Upper-body stretching exercises that include the de-tubing and rapid unrolling of American flags from the Mindless Muslim stockpile.
  • Repeated Pumping of the fists, with corresponding, unintelligible chants.
  • A supplemental adrenaline rush attained only by setting fire to one's own livelihoods.
  • The isometric workout of the pectoral muscles with a revolutionary, "from behind" jugular-slicing technique.

Experts indicate that each and every one of these exercises can display tertiary benefits with only slight adjustments.

“Right off the bat, I can see a distinct, lower-back benefit in that last one, if you isolate your throat-slitting choices to children,” said one expert. “Couple that with the unmatchable feeling of torching your own neighborhood, and you’ve got a recipe for health that’ll have the jump-rope gurus from America come calling.”

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