Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Bed-Ridden Zarqawi Vows To Continue Serving Bed-Ridden Bin-Laden

Warrior-to-commander motivational letter delivered by hospice nurse

"My bedpan is your's" Zarqawi's legendary allegiance
to Bin Laden was expressed yet again, via a newly-released
audio tape.

Iraq--Vowing to continue the Jihad in the "land of the two rivers," insurgency leader Abu Musab al-Zarqawi said he was "Honored" to be bed-ridden under the bed-ridden leadership of Osama Bin Laden.

The statement came via a newly-released audiotape on an oft-used Islamic website.

"I rise to spit in the infidel's eye," said al-Zarqawi. "And I press my 'call nurse' button with all the vigor of pulling a trigger. Allah be praised."

Zarqawi is reportedly in a wounded state, and while not denying such claims, the lead insurgent did say that the wounds were "minor."

The audiotape is said to have been delivered from a secret hospice in Baghdad to an undisclosed terminal hospital in Syria.

Zarqawi allegiance to Bin-Laden is not only legendary, but respected around the world.

"Look at what he's doing," said one analyst. "Reaching out with whatever's left of a hand to comfort his mentor. They're going to make a movie about a friendship like this, believe me. Wouldn't surprise me a bit if they died minutes apart on July fourth of this year."

Many analysts have also noted the parallels in timing and structure to Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith--George Lucas' veiled references to Bush in the incarnation of Anakin Skywalker.

"Zarqawi and Osama share a unique, 'Luke and Yoda' type of bond here," noted one. "And look what they've accomplished together. That's a synergy rarely seen in most realtionships today."

Both Zarqawi and Bin-Laden have noted that the worse their conditions become, "The more dangerous we become."

"Make me shudder," noted one observer. "Nobody wants these men off of respirators more than peace-loving people."

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