Wednesday, January 26, 2005

Kofi Annan Proposes New "Jews For Oil" Program

New York--United Nations Secretary General, Kofi Annan, stood before the UN General Assembly today, in what some say was a "contemplative moment of serious reflection."

Stung by recent criticism involving the Oil-For-Food scandal, Annan seemed more the ready to do a mea culpa.

"I stand before you today, a broken, empty man," he said, "and I, as well as any human, can become entangled in the pitfalls and temptations laid before me." Annan continued to spell out, in general terms, his "indirect" involvement in the diversion of funds meant to feed the starving people in Iraq to the pockets of America's worst enemies.

Annan then offered somewhat of a legislative penance: Jews. "They're everywhere," said Annan. "Instead of trading perishable goods with limited shelf life for untold barrels of petroleum, we can trade Jews, who, while perishable, do not spoil until after they've been in a boxcar devoid the appropriate ventilation for their species."

Annan then said the oil would be sold to combat anti-semitism around the world.

UN General Secretary, Kofi Annan,
explaining his new prototype program.
Annan even made the symbolic gesture
of donating one of his own Jews to
"prime the pump."

Annan also noted the Jewish penchant for propping up economies with lightning speed, and contends that their unquantifiable, human currency is indexed to these lucrative talents.

Annan's remarks about Jews are far more tepid than the ones for which he stood an applauded a few years ago. His lack of condemnation for a truly anti-Semitic rant by Malaysia's muslim leader raised questions about his true feelings toward the Semitic people. "There is nothing to worry about," he was quoted at the time. "I only speak with love in my heart."

Syria and Iran assented to Annan's proposal, practically sight unseen. Damascus officials did say they were concerned with the "Jew-to-barrel" ratios. Annan assured them that comprehensive terms would be hammered out, and that, unlike the oil-for-food program, the books will be entirely open.

"One upside to this is, you can't counterfeit a Jew," he said. Annan symbolically donated a Jew to the program, as a sort of parallel to a ribbon-cutting ceremony. His closing remarks showed a truly, tender man.

"We must keep the dark forces of anti-semitism from encroaching on this wonderful, worldwide program." he said. "So we can eradicate them, . . .er, I mean . . it."

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