Monday, May 16, 2005

Body Of Real Newt Gingrich Found In Fort Marcy Park

A DC forensics team removes the body of Newt
Gingrich from a "reasonably public" location in Fort
Marcy Park. Experts believe an anguished Gingrich may
have shot himself over Hillary-centric reporting by conservatives.

Washington--bringing somewhat of a tangible clarification to Newt Gingrich's highly public support of a Hillary Rodham Clinton presidential bid, officials are reporting that what purports to be the "actual body" of the former Speaker of the House has been found in Fort Marcy Park.

"We found Mr. Gingrich's body, in a prostrate position, with a single exit wound at the back of the head," said a spokesman for the DC crime unit. "There was also an apparent suicide note, although we are not at liberty to divulge the contents, other than to say, it appears to be an exculpatory note acquitting Kofi Annan of the Oil-For food scandal, Mrs. Clinton of cattle futures wrongdoing as well."

Newt Gingrich was the frontispiece for the 1994 republican takeover of the house and senate, crystallizing republican doctrine through the “Contract With America.” Gingrich’s pervasive influence irked his liberal friends across the aisle, lionizing him even more to the conservatives, who are no doubt wrestling with the shattering news of the former Speaker’s untimely death.

“He was a good man,” said Sen. Bill Frist. “We now have a sense of what may be happening out there. At least we know the guy touring with Mrs. Clinton is not Newt, but that makes his actual loss no easier.”

Newt Gingrich

Most admit they are flummoxed when it comes to explaining just who exactly is pretending to be Newt Gingrich.

“We were at first, looking to see whether Voinovich or Lott were putting the ‘Gone fishing’ signs up in their senate offices, but both seem to be accounted for,” said one senate insider. “Now we have no idea.”

While DC crime investigators are engaging in a full and complete investigative exercise, most insiders say the telltale signs of a suicide are present.

“We have a high-caliber bullet wound, no bullet, no blood, and unexplainable fibers riddling the Speaker’s clothing,” said one investigator. “Throw in the note, and it’s all over but the shouting.”

Funeral arrangements are still pending, with the family weighing the possibility of a public ceremony sometime shortly after a private funeral with relatives and close friends.

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