MSNBC To Expose The Dark World Of AbstinenceMovement could be front for backdoor abortion reduction, say experts
New York--Energized by reports that the runaway bride's motivation was her fiancée’s abstinence beliefs; MSNBC now says they will tackle "The dark, mystical, and ever-expanding" cult of non-fornicators, who continue to influence the cultural debate.
"We have commissioned our own, undercover reporter to infiltrate a local sect of vociferous non-fornicators," said one MSNBC executive. "To try and get a closer look at what could possibly be the next moral pandemic in this country."
Sources say Hiraldo Rivera was immediately dismissed as a potential undercover for this, as was The Insider’s Pat O’Brien.
Abstinence advocates say that "saving themselves" before marriage enriches the marriage covenant, and substantially lowers the possibility for adultery, but most importantly, the transmission of STD's. Experts commissioned by the network disagree.
“To try and blanket say that an occasional sin against God and against one’s own flesh is stupefyingly ignorant,” said one expert. To engage in the abstinence movement is in a term—sexual McCarthyism. To subscribe to the Tenets of II Timothy 2:22, as many of these people do, is a venture into unmitigated isolationist thinking—and is exceedingly dangerous.”
Executives inside NBC also say the true catalyst for their investigative foray is the recent account of 32 year old Jennifer Wilbanks, of Duluth Georgia, also known as the “runaway bride.”
“We have it on good authority, that Miss Wilbanks’ fiancée is a devoted practitioner of this quasi-occultic doctrine of non-fornication,” said one. “It makes complete sense. The bride was so offended by her lack of intimate contact with her fiancée, that she boarded a bus to run away from that lack of intimate contact. When we see these small-but-significant hemorrhages in our moral fabric, it is the job of the press to do something about it.”
Others believe that the abstinence movement could be a backhanded conspiracy by pro-lifers to rob feminists of their abortion sacraments.
"They can't win in the courts," said one source. "So our guess is they will stop at nothing to end our right to choose. Even if that means circumventing the whole issue by eliminating unwanted conceptions. Sick. Just sick."