Saturday, May 14, 2005

Newsweek's Dwindling Subscription Numbers May Have New Hope In Rioting Muslims

Newsweek's ability to conjure
unprecedented behavior in Muslims
is credited with being the "saving grace"
for print journalism's atrophied abilities.

Gaza--The American publication, Newsweek, may have found its niche in a world where the printed word is faltering daily against the backdrop of electronic journalism.

Pointing to a single paragraph in which it is alleged American forces desecrated a Koran at Guantanamo bay, Newsweek’s executives say the emotional outpouring over that "tiny, journalistic blip" has shown them they still have the power of the pen.

"What is it now, nine people dead?" said one executive. "Let’s see the bloggers accomplish that."

Muslims across the Islamic world took to the streets, rioting, looting, and killing people when it was learned a book may have been vandalized. Al Jezeera picked up the paragraph, and has rebroadcast the report on a continual basis since then. Newsweek insiders say they have hit the mother lode.

"It is in times like these that the word 'alleged' becomes our best friend," said one. "All we have to do is invoke that little lynchpin into our reporting, and we can have these people calling for the blood of infidels in a half an hour. One thing is for sure, it won't be long before these people are renewing their subscriptions."

Newsweek executives are hopeful that strategically placed riots will help their in-the-trenches reporters to cover them with some itinerant convenience—thereby buttressing any predicted surges in circulation.

"If we can invoke regional hatreds, that would be better," said one executive. "A simple 'Rumsfeld Allegedly Says Golan Goons Can go To Hell' will make the Palestinians go nuts with very little spillover. One must be careful with stories alleging republican t-shirt campaigns saying ‘There Are Other Gods Besides Allah.' That’ll have them barbecuing infidels at Penn Station. We’d prefer they poop in their own their own kennel.”

Newsweek says they are “hopeful” for the new numbers, and intend to publish a comprehensive article on causality issues.

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