Sunday, May 01, 2005

Existential Hispanics Angered By Profiling

Runaway bride sets fabricated abductors' rights back 50 years, say activists

Non existent hispanic activists plead with the public to refrain
from "the reckless employment" of their good name for
exculpatory purposes.

Duluth Georgia--A coalition of non-existent Hispanics gathered in a press conference today, to express their "outrage and disgust" at their initial implication in the abduction of a Georgia woman who disappeared earlier in the week. The woman turned out to be a runaway bride, whose cold feet took her all the way to New Mexico.

"Why is it, that whenever an unstable, scrubbed and shiny Caucasian woman wants to siphon off her preposterous behavior, that she has to implicate the existential Hispanics?" asked one figmentary Latino. "Can’t she just leave us alone?”

32 year-old Jennifer Wilbanks, originally set to marry her fiancée Saturday, called her family from a New Mexico pay phone, and told them she had been abducted by a Hispanic man and a Caucasian woman. Police later informed the public that her story unraveled quickly, with apparently little or no coercion. Experts worry that Miss Wilbanks’ wanton use of the "Ethereal Latino" ploy will carry over into more serious crimes against the non-existent.

“This is a seriously slippery-slope,” said one analyst. “There exists the distinct danger of crossover with regards to an already dense crime-statistic deluge. We certainly don’t want to start factoring in the crimes of the non-existent with the tangible—especially when those non-existents are of minority status.”

The activists said that the main focus of their speaking out was to "raise awareness of our non existence," and that they hoped to counteract the wanton use of their plight for exculpatory purposes.

"We just want people to know we are still not here, not waiting for our chance to be heard," they said.

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