University Of Colorado To Grant Ward Churchill Pilot's License
Compares Saddam Hussein to Anne FrankChurchill: Doctrines such as "United States Off The Planet" expected to resonate with most AmericansDenver
--Fellow faculty members of the University of Colorado came out in defense of UC professor Ward Churchill
, who has applauded the attacks of September 11th and referred to the victims as "little Eichmanns," and are slated to award him an honorary pilot's license.
The license will be permissible on any commercial airliner in a metropolitan area.
"The Eichmann thing put chills down my spine," said one faculty member and supporter of Churchill. “The repeated standing ovations he recieved for praising the deaths of over 3,000 innocent people highlights the uncanny courage rarely found in academia. That’s why we would like to encourage him to fly jets. He himself has said that more attacks are needed.”The New Face Of Terrorism:Churchill's sometimes-provocativecomparison's have earned him manyaccolades. UC faculty awarded him a pilot's licenseafter drawing a stunning comparison between Anne Frankand Saddam Hussein
Churchill claims that the attacks of September 11th were to highlight the blight of capitalism.
Others say that Churchill’s magnum opus
is his new Saddam/Anne Frank analogy.
“That was the coup de grace
needed before we came to consensus. The metaphorical connections between Anne Frank’s terror-laden attic experience with Saddam’s rat-hole—spectacular!”
Churchill is weighing supporting a car bomb at an NBA championship to combat slavery; strafing a preschool with gunfire to bring into relief child-neglect, and clubbing retarded babies with hickory wood to “balance out the top heavy karma of the Harp seal industry.”
Churchill is expected to receive ovations from the political left indefinitely, under the auspices of a “1st Amendment Troubadour,” with the Democratic National Committee planning to stand on their desks in a fashion reminiscent of the Dead Poet’s Society
, when Churchill’s schedule allows for him to address them in person.
"Million Dollar Baby" Keeps Feeding Tube At Oscars
Hilary Swank's character euthanized at end of movie
Eastwood and Swank, whose chraracterdies from euthansia in a surprise ending
--Pugilistic/euthanasia flick Million Dollar Baby
, walked away with four Oscars, for best picture, best director(Clint Eastwood), best supporting actor(Morgan Freeman), and best actress(Hilary Swank).
Hollywood executives have applauded the Academy's brave foray into controversial politics--in that Hilary Swank's character is killed off by abortive remedy at the film's conclusion.
Conservative film critic, Michael Medved, has come under heated critism himself, as he took the occasion of his column to give away the surprise ending of the film--the one where Hilary Swank's character is dispatched into eternity by overt means.
"I really did expect this movie, the one where Swank's character dies, to do well at the Oscars, and I was vindicated," says Medved. "And just because an unexpected twist of a father icing off his daughter at the film's denouement may not sit well with some, I believe the Academy on the whole has the mettle to rise above the polemics."
Swank appeared herself, but not in character, as her character dies in the movie's surprise ending.
Peter Jennings Implies He Would Call Dan Rather Collect
Canadian may not understand American monetary system Jennings (left) has said that he would spend his onlyquarter to call Walters (right), and then call Dan (middle)Canadian appears to understand neither friendship, nor American monetary valuesNew York
—ABC News anchor, Peter Jennings, has made recent statements that have raised serious questions about either his friendship with embattled CBS anchor, Dan Rather, or his ability to tabulate the basic value of the American coinage.The Drudge Report quotes
from a March 7 issue of The New Yorker, in which Jennings tells reporter Ken Auletta the following:"If I got in trouble anywhere in the world, and I had twenty-five cents, I would call Barbara"(Barbara Walters). "Then I'd call Dan."
“It’s very interesting, how Barbara Walters’ name comes to the top,” said one ABC insider. “If Peter Jennings were to ever get ‘into trouble,’ as it were, all he would have to do is turn on his network camera and broadcast to the entire planet. And since they’ve taken all the viewers CBS used
to have, somebody’d be there to help him in no time at all. All Barbara would do is lisp a lot, and tell Peter how well she knows Jamie Foxx. At least Dan could find a Kinkos
and anvil out a Visa to get wherever he would need to go.”Even those percieved as tax-and-spend liberals havea hard time reconciling Jennings' statement to the cold,hard, economic facts. Most contend that Jennings is just abad friend.
The other concern is the apparent lack of monetary orientation with regard to American currency. Economists are alarmed by what is being referred to as the “Canadian Gap.”
“Jennings implies first, that a quarter would even get him past the dial tone,” said a top economist. “In most metropolitan areas it’s at least 35 cents, others fifty, and even seventy-five in some places.”
His real concern was how the math doesn’t add up to a Dan Rather phone call.
“Let’s use the matrix provided by Mr. Jennings, and discuss it in an economic vacuum. If, as he implies, the phone call to Ms. Walters is procured by a .25 cent surcharge, the initial currency is thus vacated. In order to effect a ringing land-line in the Rather camp, either funds would have to be acquired by outside intervention, or Jennings would be forced to place a toll call to his friend. The numbers just don’t add up,” he said.
"He's more likely a bad friend
than a bad mathematician," said one source.
Bill O'Reilly's Intensity Credited For Egypt Policy Change
--Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak's surprise policy shift on democratic elections
is being credited to the powerhouse presence of FOX News personality, Bill O'Reilly.Bill O'Reilly intimidates yet another coweringvictim of his impenetrable magnitude. Egyptis purportedly fearful he may "Come over thereand hold their feet to the fire."
Mubarak has given his assent to allowing challengers in the opposition party to run in the fall elections.
"He has an intensity like we have never seen, since even the grand days of the Nile," said Mubarak. "We have until this time, preferred hedgemony over dissent, but when we got wind that O'Reilly was warning us--and--could possibly enlist his listeners to devalue our currency, we thought we'd better change our policy."
Mubarak has run in an "unopposed" category, every six years, since the assassination of President Anwar Sadat. Critics in the opposition have maintained that this is not an accident, and believe this is why Bill O'Reilly stepped in.
O'Reilly is famous for nearly single-handedly bankrupting France's economy, with his daily admonitions to listeners. Egypt fears that O'Reilly's take-no-prisoners approach to middle eastern conflicts may spillover into a situation that has their people cowering in fear of the Irish tour-de-force, and his ability to wreck entire commonwealths with a single criticism.
O'Reilly is also thought to have intimidated the recent low-pressure systems besieging southern California back into the pacific Ocean, using an old form of intimidation called "mad-dogging." A technique he downplays in his negotiations with Mubarak.
"I just called up Mr. Mubarak and said, 'Hey Hos, what say you? I know what you're trying to do, pal.' He couldn't say a word after that."
O'Reilly is next expected to level veiled threats of a boycott against the four horsemen of the apocalypse on his show, The O'Reilly Factor.
"The Factor will nullify the book of Revelation, and it's sponsors." he said. "The author is running from the Factor. He won't face me."
Cartilaginous, Marbly-Skinned Hermaphrodites Underrepresented On Jackson Jury
No Need For Blacks On Jury: Jackson, when hewas still African-American (left) Now, as an anorexiccaucasian spook-house side show (right) Jacksonattributes his whiteness, straight hair and supplelip lines to a rare skin disorder--and a steady dietof toddler.
--Controversy swirled around the Michael Jackson jury selection process, as critics maintain that no sufficiently-acceptable peers have been selected to sit, as either a primary or alternate juror.
"There's no need for blacks on this jury," said an inside source. "Michael's whiter than a Teutonic albino with an ultraviolet aversion."
The controversy exists in and around the fact that not even a single, androgynous, pasty, reconfigured skeleton with a voice that high for no medical reason has been posted into a jury seat.
"This is just appalling," said an unnamed member of the Mozart Aria Castrati
Union # 235. "Every defendant deserves at least a modicum of peer representation with charges as serious as these. "Even the kids Michael sleeps with would have to grant him that."
Certain African American contenders for a jury seat, hence rejected, have posited that perhaps a conspiratorial bent kept any people of color from the jury. Others say that because Jackson is a white man, that a demonstrable need for ethnic diversity is a moot case.
"Just look at him," said juror # 11. "Had this case been adjudicated during the Thriller
or The Wiz
or even his Rockin Robin
career phases--when he actually had a nose--I'd be ready to assent to the complaints. But his proboscis is a letter opener and he looks like the lead role from the movie Powder
PETA Outraged By Experimental Seeing-Eye Dolphin
Call for removal of Terry Schiavo's feeding tube
Peta is currently protesting the exploitation ofthe "smartest animal on the planet." The sticking point between factions appears to be the overtclaims of "disposability."New York--
The People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals
are reacting passionately to the corporate introduction of a protoype, seeing-eye dolphin program.
Tentatively titled "Maritime Maculars," the program has taken an immediate controversial posture, as the dolphins employed are advertised as "disposable."
"In this hustle and bustle world, it has to be that way," said MM CEO, A.Paul Ing. "Dolphins are reputed to be the smartest living animals outside the human race. Disposability is the on way to make an apparent win/win out of the fact that the dolphins can only exist a short time out of the water before a new one must be procured."
The dolphins have been trained to identify and thus avoid hazards, answer the door, and engage in the general duties ascribed to seeing-eye dogs--except that these are dolphins.
PETA spokesperson, Phil Ovit, said that the sheer exploitation of one of "nature's greatest sentient creatures betrays the dark side of capitalism."
Ovit was speaking to The Therapist
on the phone from Pinellas Park, Florida, from where he is rallying to have Terry Schiavo's feeding tube removed.
"To deprive a dolphin of water--unthinkable," he said. "Now we're fighting on two fronts, as we have this situation with the dolphins, and we have Governor Jeb Bush trying to impose life on a human being. Awful."
Ing claims that the relatively short life of a dehydrating dolphin that helps the blind achieve quality of life is morally superior to the "chance" that the dolphins "could be ladled up by the tuna Industry."
"That's the kind of gastrointestinal ignominy I wouldn't wish on anybody," he said.
Scientists On Iran Earthquakes: "It's Allah's Fault."
"He has let his people down again," say scientistsWashington
--Scientists from around the world, who in many other circumstances disagree to some level about causal issues in tectonic plate shifts, have reached a unanimous verdict: Allah is to blame for killing hundred of Iranians this week.Instead of maintaining a "god of sustenance" role in the life of Muslims (top), Allah has failed to provide basic shelter, safety, and protection from rubble in Iran(bottom)
"Very rarely do we come to such scientific consensus," said one climatologist in the subsidiary UN weather forum. "But after all the posturing by Allah's people in the world, it has become clear that earthquake prevention is just setting the bar too high. He has failed."
Science usually finds philosophical repose in laying geological disruptions at the feet of the industrialized world--particularly the United States.
"And normally we would say that here
," said the climatologist. "Oil drilling, deforestation, and the greenhouse gas effect we believe to stem from American largesse and religious freedom--all the usual culprits. But we cross referenced our research with Koranic studies, and found out that Allah has suffered a severe lapse in omnipotence."
Muslim scholars are attempting to see whether or not it is possible to still be rendered a martyr when being indiscriminately crushed to death by a mud hut, or a 300-ton boulder.
Martyrdom usually extends from death's arrival by the hand of the individual themselves, as they blow up a Jerusalem transit bus, or a Semitic preschool.
"We welcome any and all
input, " say the scientists. "We are not saying the debate is closed
, we are just saying that Allah may need to diversify into smaller, Jew-hating subsets."Hat tip to my friend, Brobishkin for providing the initial thrust of this idea.
Report: Landslides Could Turn California Into Red State
--Experts from NOAA, The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, are claiming that nearly unprecedented rainfall in southern California could tip the balance in the favor of the Republican party in 2008.This computer-generated projection shows the potentialelectoral shift possible, should the southern Californiaonslaught continue. The Rev. Jesse Jackson has called for an investigation into the Republican Party's weather controlacumen.
"A sudden, cataclysmic break off of all the real estate below Santa Barbara county will knock out the only three counties in southern California carried by John Kerry in the 2004 elections," said a senior NOAA official. "The Democrats don't have a prayer until Monterey County, on up into San Francisco. Hopefully the erosive nature of this disaster has latent, electoral sympathies."
Experts indicate that Las Vegas would possibly be the next rendezvous for those with leftward passions, in an ad hoc
coastal region to be potentially deemed "The Gulf of Nevada."
Others have intimated that Republican strategist, Karl Rove, could have tapped into the previously-occultic weather control techniques--the stuff of legend.
The Rev. Jesse Jackson said on Tuesday that Rove is "well schooled in the manipulation of orographic precipitation", and that "big meteorology" was to blame for leaking sensitive information to the uninitiated. Jackson led an energetic crowd of protesters against the weather, complete with signs reading "Karl Rove Done Give Us, Some Cumulonimbus."
Seismic experts indicate that a "Perfect Storm" scenario for the Republicans would include unilateral control over the San Andreas fault line, plummeting the San Francisco area into subterranean territory. NOAA officials agree.
"That would be a landslide of an entirely different
kind," they said.
Iran Denies Harboring Iranians
--Staring the "imperialist devil" in the face, Iran denounced implications by the United States that it is harboring Iranians within its borders.
"This is just an outrage!" said a UN representative to the country. "You little feeble Americans think that your 1950's-era tactics will works on us? You are wrong, oh great Satans from the West!"Iran is believed by the United Statesto be harboring and surreptitiouslymoving Iranians within its borders. Theseallegations have outraged Iran
UN General Secretary, Kofi Annan, noted that the diplomatic dialogue implicating Iran in the harboring and quartering of Iranians "wasn't helpful," and that "sincere and unambiguous dialogue with our 'good cowboy' neighbors in Iran" is what will prevent further diplomatic breakdowns. He also said that Israel should face "proximity sanctions" for such a remark.
Currently, no country is willing to come forward and actually say where the Iranians may be kept. US sources say that high-resolution satellite imagery indicates a "preponderance of Persian" within the Iranian borders.
Iran denies these allegations outright.
Southern California No Longer Mocking Homeland Security Ductape Directive
The democratic owners of these properties areno longer laughing at Tom Ridge's directiveto stock up on duct tape.Los Angeles
--Southern California, home of some of President Bush's fiercest critics, has reconsidered their initial mockery of the "Duct Tape Directive" set out by former Homeland Security director, Tom Ridge.
"The original intent was the event of a systematic shutdown of commerce in the wake of a terrorist attack," said Ridge. "But Californians react to rain in the same way they would if a car-bomb preempted the Oscars by a half an hour."
Those who have homes precariously balance on already tenuous real estate, have literally evaporated all supplies of tarp and ductape. Initial reports show that Democrats are quick to abandon their cynicism and tarp off their hillside properties to stop saturation, and eventual collapse.Sadly, partisan politics ruled the day,in the case of these southern Californialiberals.
"Tom Ridge was right," said one democrat whose house is set to collapse and demolish a mobile home park 300 feet below. "Duct tape may be the key to those cretins not being able to loot my stuff when it comes lilting down to their dump. I'd just as soon avoid having to confront them altogether."
Stories of duct tape gouging abound, but with little or no corroboration at this time.
Hollywood Courageously Tackles 9/11 Attacks
Movie to portray Nazi hijackers, Muslim firefighters
Never one to shy away from confronting the world's impending evils, Hollywood producers are staring the Third Reich square in the eye with a new film depicting the attacks of September 11th, 2001.
The producers have opted for slight, "artistic interpretations," in which the hijackers will be portrayed as Nazis, and all members of the FDNY as Muslims, saving people from the unexpected conflagration that became known as "Ground Zero."Oliver Stone hopes that augmented and catastrophicattacks by Muslims against the US will provide morewindows of opportunity to defeat Hitler through cinema(download to view full scope)
"These changes are very subtle," said director Oliver Stone. "We feel that the "Muslim as antagonist" scenario will be lost on the audience, as they are unable to effectively deal with their feelings about Islam in light of the 9/11 attacks. And we don't want infidels in the audience drawing a specious link between the Koran and those who do what it tells them."
Stone's film, Blitzkrieg 9/11: Strike of the Reich
, is expected to be thought of as more of a "feel-good" movie, than a blatant statement about the evils of the Third Reich. "Although I feel a duty to push the dark head of nazism under water, I also think it is on it's way out regardless. Islam provided us, through 9/11, the chance to focus on the evils of Adolph Hitler, and his minions," said Stone.
Some in Hollywood think an Al Qeida-sponsored, catastrophic nuclear attack against the 48 contiguous United States would be the "silver bullet" to finish off the evils of the Fuhrer and his repulsive doctrines, through cinema.
Many in Hollywood have signed on for parts, to include Sean Penn, Garrison Keillor, and Al Franken. Dana Carvey has been commissioned to modernize his "Bush 41" impression to include "Bush 43." Liam Neeson will once again tap the Aryan acting method for the part of the Nazi dictator.
Stone indicates a balance. "When I talk about 'feel good' movies, I mean that Dana Carvey's portrayal of President Bush will most likely be panned as a reconstituted Master Of Disguise
disaster, but maintain a certain whimsical quality that tells the audience, hey,this is a hoot."
As far as the sociopolitical implications, Stone is less optimistic.
"Sure, I want this to effect change in our world--to defeat the Nazis. And if I can provoke--or as it were--encourage
a nuclear holocaust to end the European one, then an Oscar will pale in comparison."
Gonzo Journalist, Thompson, Dies Of Gonzo Natural Causes
Denver--Dr. Hunter S. Thompson, the man who founded the drug-crazed, first-person form of writing known as "gonzo journalism,"has died of gonzo-natural causes. He was 67.
Thompson shot himself in the head in his Aspen compound.
Gonzo Journalism, a method of writing in which the reporter makes themselves an essential part of the story, was pioneered by Thompson, as well as Tom Wolfe and Gay Talese.
Thompson's magnum opus, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
, was eventually transferred to cinematic from in 1998, by a movie title of the same name.
Other works include The Curse of Lono, Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail, The Great Shark Attack
, and the notable docu-tome, Hells Angels
Therapist Not Responsible For Click Counter Malfunction
To those who've enjoyed watching my numbers enter stratospheric . . .okay, pretty good levels, don't ask me. The Easy-Hit site is not readable either. So the problem lies with the manufacturer
--sort of like Michael Moore's parents.
Counter problems notwithstanding, the tripe, balderdash and completely made-up news will continue unabated.
Area Toddler To Host 'Open Toilet'
--3 1/2 year-old Clara G., of Northern California, will be hosting an Open Toilet from 3:00 PM to 3:30 PM, weekdays. The title of the works are tentatively titled My Poop, and How Big It Is, Daddy.
Come prepared for a short, yet pointed discussion on the origins of the poop, how flushing may trump the biodegradable process, and the sheer importance of public viewings with regard to these events.
There is no cover charge.
10,000 Of president Bush's Closest Friends Line Up To Play Secretly-Recorded Phone Calls For Media
A huge crowd of Mr. Bush's best friendsstand outside the New York Times, hopingto sell their own secretly recorded phoneconversationsWashington--
Noting the enormous attention given to President Bush's close friend, Doug Wead after playing pieces of secretly recorded conversations
with the would-be President, 10,000 of the President's closest friends have all queued up with tapes of their own.
The DNC noted that they are particularly interested. Both Chairman Howard Dean, and Sen Hillary Rodham Clinton, who have become stringent evangelicals in the last two weeks, are curious as to whether an indiscriminate F-word may have escaped Mr. Bush's lips--now an impeachable offense.
"These tapes are very interesting," said Sen Clinton. "Mr. Wead only played a few snippets for the Times, but this thing he said about 'not wanting to kick the gays because I'm also a sinner,' could have severe, homophobic underpinnings. We need to hear more."
While the Wead tapes are relatively benign, the fact that Mr. Bush's friend has held back the balance of the tapes allows press organizations to employ their favorite journalistic tool, the "this raises more questions than answers" outcue in their stories.
ABC News White House Correspondent, Terry Moran, is particularly deft at this technique. "The great thing is, I can return to my raised eyebrow technique that spells "suspicion" for this president" he said.
The affable Mr. Bush, who values his close personal friendships, is said to be "amused" by the huge, public outpouring of friendship for him at The New York Times. One aide is "astonished."
"It is clear that the President's friends really value those private things between them," he said. "And they can display this no better by giving those private things to the media."
Howard Dean: "My Favorite Apostles Are Sodom And Gomorrah"
--Still reeling from an embarrassing statement
in which he labeled the book of Job a part of the New Testament, DNC Chairman, Howard Dean made great pains to ameliorate the issue by displaying an uncanny adroitness for biblical knowledge. Speaking to the National League of Democratic God Glommers, Dean held forth.Dean, acknowledging a fellowbible-scholar in the crowd. Hecompared his own forward-lookingmettle to that of Lot's wife "in the bookof Hezekiah."
"It's easy to confuse any one of the Bible's 94 books," he said. "I like Job's depth--his humanity on display, and his tenacity in the face of those doubters who saw his giant ark as a hilarious point of departure."
Dean admits that he finds particular solace in the bravery of his personal favorite apostles--Sodom and Gomorrah.
"They looked Nebuchudnezzar right in the eyes and said "give us fire, if it please you, king."
When asked about the now widely-publicized "Job gaffe", Dean just brushed it aside entirely. "It's just a form of persecution from the right," he said. "Just like the eunuch harlot with the issue of blood, trying to climb the Ark of the Covenant to see Goliath, this too shall pass."
Dean's comments elicited spontaneous applause from the crowd he was addressing. Sounding more like a tent-revival preacher than political firebrand, Dean continued, with a civil-rights era, call and response, Pentecostal cadence.
"In this woooorld, there's a gonnnnna beeeee trialssss! (c'mon, Howard!)"
"Just like-uh Judas Iscariot with King David's head in the alabaster box! (Preach it, c'mon!)
"The Democrats-uh, are no-uh longer bound by the shackles of Manna and filthy cleanliness! (yeah, that's right!)
"But we will hold tight to the truth, Like Absalom's hair on an equestrian-friendly orchard! (You said it, Howard!)
Dean is hoping that his new lease on evangelical repartee will bridge the "God gap" that exists as a perception of the Democratic party and it's sometimes strained relations with those of faith.
Dean's other obstacle, should he harbor any residual presidential aspiration, is Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton, who has moved substantially center-ward with regard to abortion, and faith-based initiatives. Some in the DNC expect her to put further pressure on any potential democratic rivals by joining Operation Rescue, and having her virginity reinstalled through a prototype outpatient procedure.
She is also expected to be baptized by immersion in all red states during the election cycle. Dean bristles at the idea.
"She'll be like a dog returning to its sackcloth and ashes," he said. "People will always know the difference between the pretenders and, well . . . me."
Bill Cosby's Legacy To File Groping Charges Against Jesse Jackson's Legacy
LA--Comedian Bill Cosby's legacy, under a recent siege of groping charges, is planning on filing a separate set of groping charges--against Jesse Jackson's legacy.Bill Cosby's legacy mayhave been groped into rhetoricalsilence by Jesse Jackson's legacy
Cosby’s Legacy claims the groping has negated his influence in black culture.
"Here my guy is trying to put the good word out to his own people, " said Cosby's legacy, "stop beating up your women, clean up your language, pull your pants up--the whole package. Rev. Jackson's legacy can't stand to have such an obviatingly stark message out there, or the whole illegitimate child thing may start to hurt his guy."
Some feel that Rev. Jackson's legacy has too long been intoxicated by an atmosphere of monolithic power--a sort of dictatorial hold on black sociopolitical issues. Rev. Jackson’s legacy begs to differ, and claims the intimidating groping was consensual.
"Here, this whippersnapper Cosby legacy comes in here talking all this smack about hip-hop music, and counterculture 'pimp and ho' talk. He has no business messing with my guy's territory. We're having a hard enough time keeping our people voting for ex-Klansmen from West Virginia as it is, without Mr. 'I did it without sticking it to the man' walking up in our face. That’s ‘come hither’ dialogue if I’ve ever heard it."
Jackson's legacy also insists that Cosby's legacy was "asking for a groping" by even venturing to ask black culture to clean up their own act.
Rev. Jackson’s legacy also indicated a willingness to cede influence to NAACP heir apparents—the legacies of R. Kelley, Snoop Dog, and Busta Rhymes.
“Just keep that little white girl legacy of Cosby out of my face,” said Jackson’s legacy.
David Geffen Now Checking Brake Lines Before Driving Car
--Hollywood mogul, David Geffen, has experienced a recent "safety epiphany," manifesting itself with repeated glances under his car before driving. Geffen(left) May have had awareness of brake-line failureincreased by a concerned Clinton (right), despitehis recently expressed doubts about her political viability
"He's become keenly aware of the hazards of the road," said one of Geffen's confidants. "And we believe he owes it all to Hillary."
Friends believe that Hillary Clinton may have "had a premonition" about Geffen's safety. Geffen recently made a speech denouncing a Clinton presidential run
as a "can't-win situation," and that ambition will not translate into votes in four years.
Sen. Clinton's aides noted that despite the fact that Geffen referred to her as a "polarizing figure," she is able to transcend the sometimes-thin face of politics to phone a friend. And this--
is where aides believe she may have increased Geffen's awareness about brake-failure percentiles in upper echelon automobiles.
"He really seems grateful for something he has heretofore taken for granted," said an aide. "He seems to look around a lot more these days, and appears to have an almost insatiable desire to remain circumspect at all times. He’s really smelling the roses like never before."
Aides also notes that this new lease on life will make for "many more years of already enjoyable time with Mr. Geffen.
PORTER GOSS SHOCKWAVE: Al Qaida Wants To Get Explosives And Do Bad Things
--Sitting before a stunned and silenced Senate panel this afternoon, CIA Director, Porter Goss, said that the terrorists would attempt more terrorists tactics, and this time "try to get the bad stuff that really hurts people."Porter Goss brought the Senateto a standstill this afternoonwith his apocalyptic predictionsof "more terror attacks with bad stuff, near people."
Senators were quick to scramble in the wake of this informational hemorrhaging, and sought to get clarification. Senator Jay Rockefeller was notably passionate.
"Are you trying to say, that if, and I mean if
these terror cells can get into the United States with say, a biological weapon, that they would have the audacity to detonate
it?" he asked.
what I'm saying," said Goss. "And I mean they'd set it off right in the middle of where people are and stuff."
Rockefeller was quick to criticize as well. "Why have we not known the depths of ruthlessness to which these people will stoop before now
?" he asked. "And for Pete’s sake, especially when we find out that they may actually try to kill
Senator Kennedy queried both Goss, and FBI Director, Robert Mueller, about the "transferability of harems" in accordance with constitutional interpretation. He then goosed a page before retiring for the day.
Goss also indicated that intercepted chatter through various intelligence avenues show a "distinct pattern of violence," never before seen in terror networks. Rockefeller followed with another attempt to clarify the general.
"So you imply to this panel that these terror cells may employ terrorist
tactics?," he asked.
"I do not imply
it. I assure you. My finely tuned ear for this stuff is quite adept. Do not be fooled by the threats, the videotaped beheadings, and the alliterative and monotonous yammering out of the Koran. These people are dangerous
Detained Suicide Conspirator Under Homicide Watch
Could attempt to project suicide to someone else Krein: Authorities fear he could commit an extroverted suicide
.—Gerald Krein, the man authorities believe attempted to stage a mass suicide on Valentines Day, is now under a 24-hour homicide watch.
“The first few days are crucial to people in these situations,” said a Portland psychologist. “The inherently suicidal can turn on a dime and attempt to project their suicidal tendencies on others, yet believe they’ve killed themselves.”
Krein, 26, attempted through the use of Internet chat rooms, to assemble a group of people, including some children, to hang themselves on the most romantic day of the year.
“Let’s just say that Valentine’s Day is a sad day for Star Trek aficionados,” said the psychologist. “And I have a feeling that when they get into this guy’s psyche—I mean really
get into it—there’s a failed Vulcan pinch technique driving this whole thing.”
Mianstream Media No Longer Enamored With Phrase "Story That Just Won't Go Away."
CBS particularly irritable; hoping new Blogosphere/McCarthyism analogy sticksWashington
--The mainstream media networks, at one time enamored with hearing themselves intone the epic-sounding phrase "The story that just won't go away," are opting to strike the phrase from the collective consciousness.
"This phrase hails back to the day that true journalists were at the helm," said an ABC News executive, "we believe it was deeply forged in the pyrrhic heat of the Watergate and Iran-Contra scandals. Now the blogosphere has polluted the selective indignancies the phrase is meant to bring into relief."
The phrase was also used to highlight the "Nazi history" of Gov. Schwarzenegger's father, an antiquated DUI charge against George W. Bush, and most recently a now-discredited series of documents that could have turned the presidential race for John Kerry.
Many in the blogosphere believe the phrase is employed for its imagery--A Republican malefactor cringing at the top of a tree while the bloodhounds of journalistic integrity flush him out. "It's been a very useful technique," said a blogger close to The Therapist.
"I'm sure CBS would like the phrase to go away right about now, too."
News executives have been in a frantic, eleventh-hour brainstorming session, to craft a phrase that causes a collective recoil in the blogosphere. "The best we've got right now is that the blogosphere is an unmitigated venture into cyber-McCarthyism," said an unnamed source from the New York Times
. "We've considered Racist, Fascist, Anti-choice, Sexual harassers
, and the most recently effective Islamophobic
, and none have made a dent in the seemingly everyday employment of our once cherished phrase."
Others in mainstream journalism are concerned that they no longer have control of when "stories that won't go away" will go away.
"The sheer import and urgency of a story should be up to us. We are never to actually become the story, but these rhetorical carjackers that call themselves "Bloggers" have ruined everything for us."
Michelle Malkin No Longer Accepting Trackbacks For Dependent Clauses
Michelle Malkin:progenitor of the Michelle MalkinBlog. (Photo from the Michelle MalkinBlog)
--famed immigration author, columnist and blogger, Michelle Malkin
, has discontinued the process of accepting trackbacks for single, dependent clauses linking to other blogs. Many think that Michelle Malkin's
name is utilized by many bloggers as a stepping-tone to blog ascendancy, and that Michelle Malkin
can give them the kind of exposure that Michelle Malkin
now receives herself.
"Some of these posts by Michelle Malkin
don't even have a subject," said one observer. "I once saw a post by Michelle Malkin
that said something like, 'LaShawn Barber
is live-blogging it now,' and she received twenty-seven trackback pings from other blogs. of course they were tracking back to Michelle Malkin
blog is not to be confused with Michelle Malkin's.
The trackback ping is a way that other bloggers let a blogger like Michelle Malkin
know that they're quoting from their blog. Michelle Malkin's
blog is a favorite for those inclined to link to and trackback to Michelle Malkin
Some bloggers are put off by the sudden, exclusionary change in blog procedure by the seemingly ubiquitous Michelle Malkin.
"How am I supposed to let Michelle Malkin
know that I'm referring to her site (Michelle Malkin.com
)?Hat tip to Michelle Malkin.
UN To Adopt Gayer, More Submissive Color-Coded Terror Alert System
To use far more effeminate pastels; primary colors outEurope--
Spearheaded by the French, the United Nations has adopted their own version of the color-coded terror-alert germane to the one utilized by the United States, with a few minor changes.
"We have decided to eschew the very
western, and very
absolutist series of primary colors, in favor of lighter pastels," said French president Jacques Chirac. "We have assumed to ourselves, a far more homocentric and ultimately submissive color-code, commensurate with our inherent proclivity towards cowardice."The new UN terror warning system.Gayer, and ultimately less antagonistic toHamas and Islamic Jihad
The European system contrasts greatly with the American model, insofar as there is none of the stark, absolute color permutations that incrementalize the two polar extremes of a standard terror alert sequence.
"The American matrix utilized green, blue, yellow, orange and red. Green being the optimum level, and red being the most ominous," said Chirac. "We wanted far more conciliatory colors, with the increased potential for political ambiguity."
The UN model consists of five colors: sage, sea foam, peppermint, pink, and an all-around effeminate magenta, for those times when the pressure becomes too severe to stand on principle. Chirac admits that the color overtones have a "distinctly French overtone," but that he "expects little or no opposition" from a predominantly unified United Nations.
"The sheer tranquil nature of the alert itself
will contribute to peace," said on UN diplomat. "Take the judgmentalist rhetoric out of the warning system, and the terrorists have nothing to which to index their anger--except for maybe the annihilation of Israel, but that's okay with us."
A unanimous vote on the system in the UN is seen as more an academic exercise than any real venture into floor polemics.
"We are of one accord," said Chirac. "Nobody wants to go to war over this. It's time for compromise, and nobody is better at that than the United Nations"
CBS Calls Ohio For Bush
-- Saying he would "rather be a blind toddler at the Neverland Ranch than get this wrong," CBS news anchor, Dan Rather breathlessly broke the news that in-play state, Ohio, had finally turned the corner for President Bush.
"I'm afraid we can now lay the ranch and double-wide against a Kerry comeback," he said. "Bush appears to be leading by 118,443 votes--a comfortable lead for bush and a margin that must feel like sponge dungarees in a Sumatran tidal wave for Kerry."
Mr. Rather, as well as CBS on the whole, have been under fire for recent reporting--most recently--what critics have labeled "an attempt to bring down the President" with forged documents that appeared to show Mr. Bush might have called in sick for work.
Mr. Rather's increased humility in the face of circumstantial evidence has not been lost on the public. "It's so nice to see the grace by which his latter-days as anchor are managed," said 37-year old Biff Korbut. "And his folksy similes, clever ironies, and between-the-eyes analogies have never been better. It's nice to see him back at the forefront of making
the news. He owns
the Ohio story as far as I'm concerned."
CBS has promised to cover a presumptive Kerry concession, and Rather is personally heading to Massachusetts to cover it. Rather spoke briefly with The Therapist
from a Kinkos "somewhere in the Longhorn State."
"I'd rather be a case of Krispy Kreme's
at Star Jones' house than miss the chance to bring you the live feed on this," he said. "It'll be good to kick the rats in the woodshed again with my good friend, John Kerry."Hat tip to CBS News.
Undistributed Duelfer Reports Used To Pack Blister Agent In Syria
--Along with a gargantuan heap of 9/11Comission Reports
, approximately 2,000,000 copies of the Duelfer Report
are reported to be in the possession of the Syrian Government, where they are torn apart and used as packing insulation for WMD's.
A Syrian official explained; "We were able to acquire these wholesale from the west. Apparently, they were not the books of choice in America, but we have great use for them. Blister agents are a nasty business, and you don't want them getting jarred around. One move amiss, and an entire labor shift goes to the leper colony."
The official said that even though the Duelfer Report
was adequate for cushioning the travel aberrations for weapons-grade plutonium, heavy lead casings are still required to avoid "hand out of forehead" syndrome.
"The progeny always pay the price for the slightest departure from procedure," he said.
Other copies of the report are kept pristine and use to chock-block any ICBM's that happen to be uncased and ready to deploy.
The Syrian government is expecting a backup shipment of 30,000,000 unsold copies of Fahrenheit 9/11
, in the event that the book supply dwindles before full re-proliferation of Saddam's WMD's has concluded.
Kim Jong Il Reportedly Divorcing Priscilla, Planning Karaoke Comeback Tour
Weight gain attributed to peanut butter and banana sandwiches; freezing, emaciated fan base will freeze, starve to see their hero. Kim Jong Il, in leaner times (left) and today (right) with his fans in mind even at the expense of his own hunger.Pyongyang
-- North Korean dictator, Kim Jong Il, is reportedly divorcing his wife Priscilla, and staging a "final comeback tour" according to sources inside the secretive confines of the singer's compound. While devoid a band, Jong will enlist the aide of "karaoke subordinates" to accompany himself.
"He has ballooned up to nearly three-hundred pounds," said one aide. "And his doctor keeps loading him up on the pills. We literally have to pull him up on the stage to kick off the show."
Jong is also reported to be living entirely on a diet of peanut butter and banana sandwiches--not exactly a combination that bespeaks a man with such an immense polti-musical mandate from the people.
"He has to eat, in order to maintain the grueling schedule--especially when he gets to the secret gulags," said the aide. "The last thing he wants to see is prisoners in bloody contentions for a crumb of bread, so he is eating all the bread as a preemptive measure."
His fans are reported to be emaciated, freezing, and severely depressed, yet brave the harsh and dehumanizing conditions to see their hero.
"He's depressed that they're depressed," said the aide. "But they brighten right up when Jong's body guards offer to follow them to the concerts. They even bring their children."
Jong's philanthropic largesse is unsurpassed in the region. Rumors have it that the entertainer will distribute a block of cheese to be divided among the thousands attending each show.
"He wants his fans to know he's behind them, looking over their shoulder" said a bodyguard. "
Therapist Acquires More Screwtape/Hillary Missives
Editor's note: Last month, we broke the story in which it was evident that Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton was recieving strategic political advice from demonic advisor, Screwtape (tactical prince of Hell). Further correspondence has surfaced.--T
Washington DC--Appearances of Little Rock/Underworld collusion were further buttressed by the following letter, dated February 11th, and acquired today by The Therapist:My Dearest Hillary,
Ahh, things are cruising along quite nicely. Your slight, but important shift to the center on abortion was stellar.
But the real success was Dean. It took some serious thimble-rigging to get him to the DNC Chair, but I assure you, it’s worth it. Mephistopheles noted a while back that once Dean was out of the presidential contest, that Kerry had no referential base on which to make himself appear less leftist than he was. We will not make that mistake again. Letter # 2: Counsel even more nefarious than letter #1
Dean’s sole function for you is an optical illusion by proxy; once the electoral gears have started to rotate, you are to merely stake out rhetorically moderate, but ambiguous views on nearly everything. You are guaranteed to be to the right of him (Herod was as well). And Dean’s greatest asset to us is that he really means what he says—it is his continence on issues gives us great predictive latitude (while obfuscation is the preferred artifice of Our Father Below). It is the scorching, white-hot orb of his radicalism that will provide you sufficient political shade to acquire the Presidency, should you avail yourself to it wisely.
The faint was nice, but I would caution you to refrain from much more of it. And you might want to likewise caution Bill from sounding too optimistic. Memory still serves up a healthy recollection of “I think so,” when he was asked if Kerry would defeat Bush. And if we remember it, so will the blogosphere. I will deal with that subject in my next letter.
Your Affectionate Advisor,
Sen. Clinton has yet to produce an adequate explanation for the existence of these letters. Aides said that, while CBS was the likely origin for what they've termed "dubious ordinance," they also indicate the unlikliness of such a scenario, since "CBS is fully in our grotto."
Developing still . . .
Phony "Thrown Baby" Story Ruled A Balk By Abortion Officials
Mother to be suspended from "Team Feminism" indefinitelyNorth Lauderdale, Fl.--
Officiating authorities in the Reproductive Rights game ruled today that Patricia Pokriots' made-up story about a baby being thrown from a car window is a balk--a deceptive move that makes the team believe in imminent goal ascendancy, but results in paralyzing setbacks.The Ball: By having fellow feminists falsely
believe this baby was thrown from a car
,Patricia Pokriot was suspended from the teamfor imparting "horrendous disappointment"to her sisters-in-arms.
"This is nearly unforgivable," said an official from NARAL
. "The fact that she fabricated a phantom thrower, and subsequently imputed a savior identity on to herself is really pushing the envelope of what we will tolerate on the team."
Pokriots was suspended from Team Feminism this afternoon, after she had admitted that no newborns were imperiled in anyway, more specifically--not
sent spinning headlong out of a fast-moving automobile. NARAL's spokesperson noted that unsolicited infant benevolence is a growing concern.
"We can definitely detect the haunting whiff of life," she said. "It's bad enough that she could potentially save
a tossed infant, but to make it up and accept the identity
Pokriots' return to the team will be contingent upon her ability to produce notarized abortion receipts, along with ability to engage a Pavlovlian, delirium tremens
response to pro-life talking points.
Eason Jordan: Jehovah Targeted Pharaoh’s Scribes For Drowning
UPDATE: As this story was going to press, Mr. Jordan was stepping down to "avoid tarnishing" CNN. He went on to implicate Jehovah-Jireh(The Lord Our Provider) for his untimely, journalistic demise.Jordan (left), says a Jealous God, Jehovah (right), deliberately drowned the Ramses Administration's scribes during an illegal Israeli uprising, leaving thewritten record to Moses and the jewish oral traditions.Valley Of The Kings, Egypt
—Maintaining an increasingly defensive posture, CNN’s news boss, Eason Jordan, extended his accusatory tone to Jehovah-Nissi, The Lord Our Banner. Jordan made these comments before the International Brotherhood of Really Eloquent Demogogues Society (INBREDS).
“There was never any balance in the stone tablature or
the scrolls,” he said. “Sure, sure, get out those first ten
commandments, and the news cycle stops—no rebuttal whatsoever. Where’s the balance, I ask you?”
Deafening applause followed the remarks, held at the Conference room at Beni-Hassan
, in the Valley of the Kings.
Jordan claims that the Lord God Jehovah had “personally targeted” the only recording scribes of Egyptian Pharaoh, Ramses II, by “with malice and aforethought”, by leading them onto the “perceptibly dry ground of a bifurcated body of water.”
Ramses and his press corp. were then unwittingly submerged by the Creator. “Existential sucker punching,” said Jordan.
Jordan also opined that internal support for the Israeli exodus was a "ruse, concocted by Moses and his brother, Aaron", to avail themselves a 40-year cornucopia of pestilence, generational bereavement, and preemptive expulsion from the Promised Land. "The only reporter on the ground after the Red sea was Moses, and so the Egyptian portrayal is predictably negative," said Jordan.
“The point is, the Egyptian view is not even represented in Exodus,” he said. “One
the Sabbath, and don’t kill
the innocent.” That view is inconsistent with the Egyptian world view of the day, and the lascivious prism through which they viewed everyday life.”
Jordan concluded the press conference, and started to walk away, then pulled the microphone back over.
“In fact, we’re lucky we even have
a Democratic Party,” he said.
R&B Singer Houston To Have Left Eye Replaced With Right Eye
Surgery extremely risky; take many hours to transplantLos Angeles---
R&B, rap and musical superstar, Houston, who gouged out his own eye in a purported suicide attempt
, will undergo a grueling and risky surgery to replace the eye. This, according to the doctors at Cedars Sinai Medical Center, in Los Angeles.Houston: Currently Left-eyeless.Right eye may be the only way to restore it.
"We were unable to locate an appropriate match within the windows of opportunity," said Dr. Sean Mallory, Chief of Surgery. "The severed optic nerves have a very delicate and fragile nature, and to sit and wait for a match would be foolish. The assembled panel as well as myself have concluded it imperative to harvest the right eye and make a new left eye out of it."
People connected with the singer were concerned about the overall risks. Houston's family queried the doctor about the failure index. They were quickly reassured, in clinical terms.
"It's really lose/lose, if we do nothing
," he said. "because if we do
nothing, then his left eye vision is forever lost at a 100% odds factor. If we put his right eye over there, then he has at least a 60% chance of regaining sufficient left-eye vision--something we all
The surgery is a difficult one, insofar as there are muscular reaclimation issues to deal with, not to mention the attempted reattachment of the optic nerve itself.
"There is also a lingering possibility that Mr. Houston could be confined to using anti-rejection drugs for the long term," said Mallory. "But this is the chance we have to take. The greatest minds in medicine have weighed in with an astonishing consensus for organic harvest."
Experts say that the recovery period could be worse for the singer than the surgery itself.
It's Official: Prince Charles To Marry Yushenko-Parker-Bowles
Charles and Yushenko-Parker-Bowles on the town (right)
Yushenko-Parker-Bowles contemplates the "Big M."
Prince Charles and Ukrainian President, Victor Yushenko-Parker-Bowles, announced nuptials today, to an eager and curious press.
Queen Elizabeth, an erstwhile opponent of the union, wished them well for their scheduled April 8th civil ceremony at Windsor Castle.
Many have speculated as to whether the timing is "inappropriate," bearing in mind the relatively short time that has passed since princess Diana was killed in an automobile accident.
"It's just preposterous, wrong and immoral," said one reporter for The Insider
. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go and photograph Brad Pitt's torrid romance with Angelina Jolie."
Others say it's good for the prince to move on, and that his 30-year friendship/affair with Yushenko-Parker-Bowles needs to be validated matrimonially. One of the Prince's valets noted that the ceremonial marriage will do nothing more than highlight an already internal
"Oh, it's love all right. I mean look at that face," a veiled reference to the severely deformed facial features--a result of Dioxin poisoning. Yushenko-Parker-Bowles' features were previously compared to revered Hollywood hunks such as Glenn Close, Sarah Jessica parker, and Christopher Lloyd. A contentious, and conspiratorial Ukrainian presidential race changed all that.
Aides to Yushenko-Parker-Bowles say that 'the glow of love" still shines through the pachydermatous crust, however.
"You can't conceal true love." said one aide.
Iraq To Sue Iran For Euphemistic Encroachment
May also seek compensation for use of "infidels" and "Great Satan."
officials within key terror groups in Iraq said today that Iranian President, Mohammad Khatami was in violation of "unwritten copyrights" in the Islamic world.
The most notable example: his threat to turn Iran into a "burning hell" for any aggressor. The phrase, meant to be a potential euphemism for a nuclear confrontation.
"We have worked hard and long to come up with these colorful phrases said Mohammad Ali Kareem Rodham Abdul Jabbar, a spokesperson for Hamas Jr. "And we will not sit by and let others feast off our labor without compensation."
The group also lays claim to phrases like "drink the blood from your necks," "mother of all wars," "Plucking out of the eyes," and "bind you hand and foot."
"These are ours," said Jabbar. "When we want to be extra scary, we use them faster."
Political Science professors in America think the Iranians are missing some creative opportunities.
"Let look at President Khatami's speech," said Dr. Stephen Bolshevik. "A burning hell for any aggressor. The greatest metaphor in these statements is 'any aggressor.' That always
means the United States. Always."
Hamas Jr. filed a supplementary suit against Dr. Bolshevik for quoting the phrase from the other suit.
Developing . . .
Dems Demand "Equal Time" Commemorative Postage Stamps
The New Reagan stamp(left) The Democratic response(right).
--House Democrats today took the occasion of the Postmaster General's unveiling of the new, Ronald Reagan commemorative postage stamp to demand "a stamp that tell the other side of things," going so far as to deliver a protoype "anti stamp" for illustrative purposes.
An aged but undaunted Nancy Reagan unveiled the new presidential stamp today
at a ceremony at the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library, in Simi Valley, Ca., and seemed nonplussed by all the hoopla.
"Let them say what they want, " she said. "The American people would have re-elected Ronnie's stamp
before they would've elected John Kerry. They just need to get over it, and accept the facts."
Democrats rolled out a hastily-designed John Hinckley Jr. stamp, which commemorates the life of the would-be assassin who shot the President, along with three other people on March 30th, 1981.
"He could write
as well as shoot," said one senior DNC member. "He 's sort of like Maya Angelou, except that she isn't white and doesn't go into lock-down every time the Liquid Paper
goes missing. Also, I don't think she's ever shot a sitting president."
Unnamed Democrats are even secretly holding out for a celebrity unveiling by Jodie Foster as well. "We're not sure where she stands on this," they said. "But Streisand said she's 'as good as here' if we need her."
Other potential candidates for Democratic lionization-through-postage are : Ghengis Khan, Fidel Castro, Michael Moore (two stamps), Osama Bin Laden, and a special booklet-form set of stamps celebrating the tenacious spirit of the 19 Saudi Arabian Hijackers that didn't allow "stinkin thinkin" to dissuade them from a spectacularly successful 9/11.
The Iraqi insurgency has also been nominated.
Islamic Divorce Court Awards Woman Half Of Face
In a surprising legal victory for Muslim women, an Islamic divorce court has granted an as-yet unprecedented legal purse--the right to maintain one half of a shamed face, free of an unwitting hydrochloric acid bath.
Rasheeb: Only half of beauty to be
relegated to an acidic wasteland.
32 year old, Rachel Rasheeb, whose burka obscures her entire face 99% of the time, said through stylized cheesecloth that she is "greatly relieved at the ruling," and that "the court has deemed that I can designate which half of my face is to be maimed by my husband, whom I have shamed before Allah."
The process, while a seemingly brutal process, is culturally believed to be a true equalizer, in a world where modern Muslim women are alleged to be coming to their own conclusions--a cardinal sin, that victimizes many Muslim men, driving them toward rampant bouts of uncontrollable bestiality.
Rasheeb stated that her disfigurement would most likely be implemented in her sleep.
"I have chosen to have the lower half of my face acidicly disintegrated, so as to allow for a more distress-free situation with the eye holes in my summer burka. Chances are it will be tomorrow, before
he throws me down the stairs and after
he's finished ravishing a dromedary."
Rasheeb's husband could not be reached for comment, but said in a written statement that he will abide by the decision of the court, despite "my whole-face inclinations with regard to justice. Allah will take the other half in his own time."
Eason Jordan Issuing Press Credentials To Senior Al-Queida Operatives
The head of CNN's news division, Eason Jordan, who made a speech last month accusing American forces of killing and torturing journalists, has attempted to put feet to his accusations in the form of press credentials for those who do
fit the kill/torture template: Senior Al Queida Operatives.
"It's not so much that I am attempting to deputize these people," he said. "But no one can argue that these people are there
--they're on the ground and in the trenches, right at the front lines of the war . . . kind of like . . . well . . . like the twelve or so journalists who've . . . um, died."
Mr. Jordan would not concede that running to and fro with a microphone and camera where bullets are being fired may have contributed to the deaths, independent of any perceived malfeasance from the Bush Administration.
"No, this is a Pentagon directive," he said. "I know this, because I've seen American forces planting .pdf files detrimental to the president right near the Claymore mines, and then emailing Dan Rather. And you know how Dan gets when there's that kind
of opportunity. I understand he'll have about 76 paternity suits hitting his door in about seven more months, thanks to one badly-timed Kinko's fax."
Jordan said he was not intimately familiar with the aphrodisiacical properties of bad journalism, but said "The anecdotal evidence is there."
Frail Pope Accidently Nullifies Baptisms, Canonizes Arafat
Millions of parishoners instantly condemned to Hell
--Pope John Paul II, frail from both agedness as well as a recent respiratory infection, accidentally nullified all baptisms during Sunday Mass.
"He is really
tired," said one senior Vatican official. "And yets he insists
on carrying out his fundamental mission."
Pope John Paul II: Mass single-handedly
consigned Millions to Hell
Others in the know say that The Pontiff's "stick-to-it-ivness" has worked against the greater good of the church itself. "Now, every one of us
is consigned to Hell until we get this thing reversed."
The loose text of the mass' indecorous moment is:
"EGO operor, per vox donatus ut mihi superne, reddo totus baptisms inritus. Quod dum I'm procul is Yassir Arafat est futurus pried ex profundus secui of abyssus , quod no in a sanctus res."
Which is loosely translated as:
"I do, by the power given to me from above, render all baptisms void. And while I'm at it, Yassir Arafat is to be pried from the deepest part of hell, and made into a holy thing."
Arafat: Possibly holding the
other saints at gunpoint, re-
assembling suicide bombers
Scholars are studying the Pope's actual
oration to see whether or not the baptismal nullification transcends any planned re
baptisms. The other major sticking point is whether or not the unwitting canonization of a shifty-eyed, muslim terrorist hijacker can be reversed
--as Aarfat is assumed to have garnered all power associated with the position. There is also a lingering concern that he is resurrecting the most effective suicide bombers for a second run.
"I have a feeling that we're all going to have to get used to seeing that dishrag in heaven," said the Vatican official. "He is now inextricably embedded amongst the greats. Lord knows what Mother Theresa thinks about this. Chances are he's already drawn a weapon."
Others seem to share the drab outlook for a reversal of the canonic process.
"He's going to try to take out Moses, we can just feel it." they said.
Art Bell Disputes Validity Of Space Travel
Doubts own show carried by satellite
--Overnight radio talk sensation, Art Bell, has stated that "the notion of an actual moonwalk by American astronauts is dubious at best," and that his own transponder signal is being delivered by "an alternate" source.
Bell, possibly the greatest single on-air exponent of extraterrestrial belief, made these statements between discussing the aberrant South-American Chupacabra, and a Siberian oil hole that purports to be an auditory portal into Hades.
"All I know is, I feel a quickening," said Bell "A substantial paradigm shift that extends from the pinnacle of Mt. Shasta's Lemurian grandeur to Groom Lake, Area 51, and Hangar 18."
No one was available for a translation, but co-host and frequent alternate, George Noory, implied that "He means this from the bottom of his heart."
Bell has been the recipient of heated criticism for his "dubious space walk" positions before, but has found supporting dialogue with Reverse Speech analysts, Shadow People Experts, and a frequent and varied string of on-air consorts from his Antichrist line. The Ghost Investigative Society has provided much moral support, along with Derrel Simms of the Houston UFO Network--who had an implant removed from his eye after a benign abduction by aliens.
Bell doubts that man has ever
walked on the moon, but owns
a time machine and believes a
South American aberration is
tunneling its way to the North
American continent with death
in its wake.
tried to contact Bell at his desert home in Parumph, but sources at the residence stated he was currently indisposed, analyzing an alien autopsy video, to be immediately followed by a live Crystal Gayle performance under the constellation Orion.
"There's no point in discussing space travel," said the source. "Because it's just too absurd an idea."
Israel, Palestinians Declare Cease-Fire
Gives Israel time to repopulate cafes, schools for future suicide attacks
West Bank--The Israelis and Palestinians agreed to a cease fire this afternoon, providing the Israelis ample time to place more civilians in place for attacks by Hamas as well as the occasional maverick suicide bomber.
"We of Hamas, will honor this cease fire," said the organization in a written statement. "It is far more econmically feasible for us to detonate our bombs when the schools are full to overflowing."
Palestinian officials expressed optimism that "more jews can be killed with fewer attacks."
Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon, said that he was "cautiously optimistic," about the process that he expected to be vaporizing inner circle terrorists "any time soon."
Man On Street Reporter Dumber Than Man On Street
--Evidence surfaced this afternoon that a hired, man on the street reporter may actually be stupider than the blooming idiot he was supposed to be highlighting.
Frank Nicotero, a reporter for the WB Network's Street Smarts
was seen admitting that he too, would have answered "President Gettysburg" when queried about who freed the slaves, in cutting room footage obtained by The Therapist.
In a later interview, Nicotero was also unable to identify the progenitors of Reaganomics, The Monroe Doctrine, or the primary character in The Passion of the Christ
A "Grant's Tomb" query proved equally embarrassing.
Nicotero: Thinks Lincoln was
shot in a convertible
"This is just the kind of thing we don't
need," quipped one WB Executive. "How are we supposed to capitalize on the aggregate stupidity of others
when our man in the ring is seen admitting that he thought Martin Luther King was shot by James Earl Jones?"
Nicotero could not be reached for a response to these remarks.
Television's Street Smarts
gameshow is less of a gameshow than it is spectacle. The Hollywood Squares-like premise is altered with the questions being asked of everyday morons on the street, as opposed to the one who make movies and sit in sequestered boxes.
Superstitious Judge Vacates 13th Amendment
Blacks ordered back into servitude
Washington--A federal judge, citing "significant and prevailing personal superstitious predilections, inconsistent with prevailing constitutional doctrines" has vacated the 13th amendment to the United States Constitution.
The Amendment was adopted in 1865, and abolished slavery.
The ruling has already been denounced by the AFLCIO, claiming that a "chilling number of good-wage jobs will be lost to involuntary scab workers."
The case is set for immediate appeal to the United States Supreme Court, immediately after Judge Thomas' chores are finished. Legal scholars are contending that the court "cannot function under the cloud of an eight and three-fifths vote aggregation."
Other peripheral and lesser-detailed effects of the ruling include the demolishing of all 13th floors on high-rise buildings, and the complete omission of all chapter 13's from all available written material.
"The law of unintended consequences is about to be enacted," noted one biblical scholar. "A judge that single-handedly tries to play God will do nothing more than incur his wrath. By delivering this ruling, he has also expunged a significant portion of the book of Revelation. And nobody but nobody's got the right to cancel Armageddon by judicial fiat."
Developing . . .
FOX Calls Superbowl For Patriots
Broward county voters can't find stadium
--The Fox News Network
went out on a limb last night by calling Superbowl XXXIX to be a decisive landslide by the New England Patriots over the Philadelphia Eagles.
"Absolutely all of our exit-polling data points to this trend," said a high-ranking FOX executive. "We may even fall within a 2 point margin from dead center."
New England players celebrate
their projected win. Fox News
exit polls indicate a landslide.
Current polls show a 48% to 22% spread between the two teams, with New England the easy favorite. Conversely, internal data does
indicate that a small majority (35%) will be "rooting in their hearts" for the Eagles, and 33% for the Patriots. External cheering is more likely to reflect the prior data, according to one analyst.
"That's why it's hard to find a Kerry voter now as well," he said.
Other issues surrounding the Superbowl entail the difficulty Broward county voters, particularly Democrats, are having locating Jacksonville on a map and driving there.
"Some of these people were sold tickets, many at outrageously inflated prices," said one Florida Democratic official. "They were not
, however, given appropriate and concise instructions as to how to drive to Jacksonville."
Democratic officials are concerned that Broward county
voters will be hoodwinked by the apparent insertion of decoy
Jacksonvilles into the Mapquest Florida matrix.
Others are concerned that many of those who accidentally voted for Buchanan may somehow stumble into Jacksonville, but will never be able to maneuver their way into Alltel Stadium itself.
On another front, the Rev. Jesse Jackson is expected to be in Florida this afternoon to investigate claims that Karl Rove's operatives have hacked the MapQuest site to include multiple decoy Jacksonvilles, primarily along the east coast.
Officials concede that the sheer proximity of these claims to today's game time makes vetting these issues nearly impossible. Should the game result in an actual Patriots victory, Eagles fans can expect legal action. Nancy Pelosi said the unfortunate nature of this situation will not preclude the action itself.
"If these fans cannot have a voice in defeating New England," she said. "it is incumbent upon us to overturn the results."
Election-Fatigued Media Finally Able To Resume Rooting For Terrorists
New York--After weeks of having to languish in the skeptical vortex of a pre-election Iraq, news organizations across the country are relieved that they can now return to the monolithic role of rooting for terrorists.
"This is an oasis," said CNN's Eason Jordan. "A kind of refreshing for our people on the ground."
Insurgent groups have indicated that they will "increase per-barrel bombing output" to help get the reporting change of gears fully shifted.
CBS News executives say that "a single-minded focus on the people and their ignorant facades of freedom is an unhealthy and unbalanced diet of information. It must be tempered with sufficient levels of sedition while turning a blind eye to the Kurds."
Newsweek's salty-dog form of journalism
places them head and shoulders above
their younger counterparts--demonstrated
by their vigorous support of the terrorists
even before the Iraq elections.
(Thanks to Sondra K. for the Picture)
went so far as to start rooting for the terrorists right before
the election in a cover-story, although the originally-intended three-page, fold-out centerfold of Allah was shelved at the last minute.
"We wanted the focus to be on the workers--not their spiritual, monarchical heritage," said one editor for the magazine. "We all know their pedigree is exemplary."
CNN is expected to make a dramatic departure from the fold, however. Eason Jordan has told The Therapist
that, during the sovereign reign of Saddam Hussein, that a few hundred Iraqis "may have died" under his rule--a mandate with 99% electoral support.
"This is cutting-edge stuff," he said. "If true we find this to be corroborated, we want to be the ones to break it."
Howard Dean Reaching Out To Evangelical Satanists
“Let’s keep Satan in Halloween,” he says.
Conjure The Vote: Howard Dean invokes
the demons that will drive the DNC "right into
those swine Republicans."
DNC Chairman designate, Howard Dean is seeking to expand the role of faith in government. Speaking in front of the First Church of Satan in San Francisco, Dean intoned his inclusive goals with all the passion that would make any televangelist proud. His opening salvo included selected blasphemies and ripping the horizontal arms from a ceramic cross.
“I am here in the name of Satan, Lucifer, and Leviathan,” he said. “While not a worshipper in my heart, I can still feel a kinship with you all on the level of belief itself.”
Dean then launched into an overview of what he promises to be a “comprehensive plan on the feasibility of human sacrifice in the 21st century,” while sipping human blood from a chalice.
Local parishioners said they were impressed with Dean’s ability to “philosophically transcend the river Styx” in order to extend a withered olive branch to children of The Infernal One.
“It’s incredible,” said Raven Dark. “When I heard John Kerry try to unload on those hunters with that ‘can I get me a hunting license’ condescension, I knew it was the boilerplate, Tartuffian snobbery so easily associated with him. Dean was not only comfortable
with the relics, and the archaic terminology, but his opening statements were repeated in perfectly articulated Enochian. That speaks to me, as a bride of Baphomet.”
The former vermont Governor then brought the congregation to their feet by slitting a sheep's Carotid artery with a letter opener.
Dean impressed with astonishing levels of eclecticity and versatility as well, by reading from his King James Bible to deliver his sermon—taking his text from the 16th Chapter of Leviticus.
“That’s the chapter we so endearingly regard as the ‘scapegoat’ chapter,” said Szandor Twilight. “His parallels regarding a sin-soaked caprine and the Democratic Party were not only skillfully delivered, but had the demonstrative caliber of the Horned One himself.”
Critics noted that Dean made a potential gaff on his introductory patter, by naming only three of the four satanic cardinal points. Hopes are high that his "Halloween anti-diffusion" plank will act as a counterbalance to any flack.
“It’s stupid forays like this one that can cost our party the satanic vote,” said a Dean staffer. “Hopefully the hot winds of Sheol will blow this over.”
Millions To Be Indicted In US, "Work-For-Money" Scandal
Joe Six-Pack being replaced by Jim Jump-On-Board, and Clara Class-Action
(Left) Will either serve jail time, or craft one-liners for Late Night
TV. (right) needs to realize sex-symbol potential, and capitalize on it,
or see prison.
Photo from alessio.sevenseas.org
. Photo from cardiffjif.com
Millions of Americans are set to be indicted for embezzlement this year in the oft-touted U.S., "Work For Money" program. Upcoming Attorney General, Roberto Gonzales, is already grappling with the enormity of such an undertaking.
"Between the inflated welfare rolls, able-bodied twenty-somethings drawing permanent disability, and hyperbolous tort case settlements, we will literally be taking half the country to court at one time." he said. "Somewhere along the line, these people have availed themselves to the money part of the program, without the utilizing the requisite work avenues spelled out in the program itself."
Others are comparing the abuses to welfare itself, or known colloquially as the "Money For Babies" program, although advocates claim that the program is really more a cog in an unfortunate wheel. An administration official discussed the program's obvious flaws. One of his primary concerns was disability insurance fraud, and how to deal with it.
"We really have two options," he said. "We can either cut them from the rolls completely and expediently, or we can enact what is known as the 'incremental siege.'" The Therapist
asked him to elaborate on the second point.
"The "siege" as it were, is the technique of redefining the meaning of 'work.' The hallmark of the disability respondent is the broad claim that anything requiring supervised, physical labor is out of their reach. All we need to do is broaden the general term to include the vigorous and unrelenting spawning of illegitimate children, the wearing of wife-beater tank tops in public, and slapping drunken high-five's with each other every time they hear Steppenwolf's Born To Be Wild
Other administration officials are toying with the idea of forcing "Why Lie, I need a beer" guys into writing copy for Conan O'Brien. Mandatory Supportive undergarments for the women is also on the table--with a spandex bicycle pants exclusion.
The biggest logistical problem for Gonzales, is taking half the country to court.
"We will literally have to call the entire work force into jury duty at the same time." he said. "One thing is for sure. The workforce will not be there to pay into the system, but you can bet your bottom dollar these people will volley themselves out of their unregistered gross-polluters to collect it anyway."