Sunday, February 13, 2005

Kim Jong Il Reportedly Divorcing Priscilla, Planning Karaoke Comeback Tour

Weight gain attributed to peanut butter and banana sandwiches; freezing, emaciated fan base will freeze, starve to see their hero.

Kim Jong Il, in leaner times (left) and today (right)
with his fans in mind even at the expense of his own hunger.

Pyongyang-- North Korean dictator, Kim Jong Il, is reportedly divorcing his wife Priscilla, and staging a "final comeback tour" according to sources inside the secretive confines of the singer's compound. While devoid a band, Jong will enlist the aide of "karaoke subordinates" to accompany himself.

"He has ballooned up to nearly three-hundred pounds," said one aide. "And his doctor keeps loading him up on the pills. We literally have to pull him up on the stage to kick off the show."

Jong is also reported to be living entirely on a diet of peanut butter and banana sandwiches--not exactly a combination that bespeaks a man with such an immense polti-musical mandate from the people.

"He has to eat, in order to maintain the grueling schedule--especially when he gets to the secret gulags," said the aide. "The last thing he wants to see is prisoners in bloody contentions for a crumb of bread, so he is eating all the bread as a preemptive measure."

His fans are reported to be emaciated, freezing, and severely depressed, yet brave the harsh and dehumanizing conditions to see their hero.

"He's depressed that they're depressed," said the aide. "But they brighten right up when Jong's body guards offer to follow them to the concerts. They even bring their children."

Jong's philanthropic largesse is unsurpassed in the region. Rumors have it that the entertainer will distribute a block of cheese to be divided among the thousands attending each show.

"He wants his fans to know he's behind them, looking over their shoulder" said a bodyguard. "

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