Friday, February 11, 2005

Eason Jordan: Jehovah Targeted Pharaoh’s Scribes For Drowning

UPDATE: As this story was going to press, Mr. Jordan was stepping down to "avoid tarnishing" CNN. He went on to implicate Jehovah-Jireh(The Lord Our Provider) for his untimely, journalistic demise.

Jordan (left), says a Jealous God, Jehovah (right),
deliberately drowned the Ramses Administration's
scribes during an illegal Israeli uprising, leaving the
written record to Moses and the jewish oral traditions.

Valley Of The Kings, Egypt—Maintaining an increasingly defensive posture, CNN’s news boss, Eason Jordan, extended his accusatory tone to Jehovah-Nissi, The Lord Our Banner. Jordan made these comments before the International Brotherhood of Really Eloquent Demogogues Society (INBREDS).

“There was never any balance in the stone tablature or the scrolls,” he said. “Sure, sure, get out those first ten commandments, and the news cycle stops—no rebuttal whatsoever. Where’s the balance, I ask you?”

Deafening applause followed the remarks, held at the Conference room at Beni-Hassan, in the Valley of the Kings.

Jordan claims that the Lord God Jehovah had “personally targeted” the only recording scribes of Egyptian Pharaoh, Ramses II, by “with malice and aforethought”, by leading them onto the “perceptibly dry ground of a bifurcated body of water.”

Ramses and his press corp. were then unwittingly submerged by the Creator. “Existential sucker punching,” said Jordan.

Jordan also opined that internal support for the Israeli exodus was a "ruse, concocted by Moses and his brother, Aaron", to avail themselves a 40-year cornucopia of pestilence, generational bereavement, and preemptive expulsion from the Promised Land. "The only reporter on the ground after the Red sea was Moses, and so the Egyptian portrayal is predictably negative," said Jordan.

“The point is, the Egyptian view is not even represented in Exodus,” he said. “One God, no Adultery, keep the Sabbath, and don’t kill the innocent.” That view is inconsistent with the Egyptian world view of the day, and the lascivious prism through which they viewed everyday life.”

Jordan concluded the press conference, and started to walk away, then pulled the microphone back over.

“In fact, we’re lucky we even have a Democratic Party,” he said.

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