CBS Calls Ohio For Bush
Washington-- Saying he would "rather be a blind toddler at the Neverland Ranch than get this wrong," CBS news anchor, Dan Rather breathlessly broke the news that in-play state, Ohio, had finally turned the corner for President Bush.
"I'm afraid we can now lay the ranch and double-wide against a Kerry comeback," he said. "Bush appears to be leading by 118,443 votes--a comfortable lead for bush and a margin that must feel like sponge dungarees in a Sumatran tidal wave for Kerry."
Mr. Rather, as well as CBS on the whole, have been under fire for recent reporting--most recently--what critics have labeled "an attempt to bring down the President" with forged documents that appeared to show Mr. Bush might have called in sick for work.
Mr. Rather's increased humility in the face of circumstantial evidence has not been lost on the public. "It's so nice to see the grace by which his latter-days as anchor are managed," said 37-year old Biff Korbut. "And his folksy similes, clever ironies, and between-the-eyes analogies have never been better. It's nice to see him back at the forefront of making the news. He owns the Ohio story as far as I'm concerned."
CBS has promised to cover a presumptive Kerry concession, and Rather is personally heading to Massachusetts to cover it. Rather spoke briefly with The Therapist from a Kinkos "somewhere in the Longhorn State."
"I'd rather be a case of Krispy Kreme's at Star Jones' house than miss the chance to bring you the live feed on this," he said. "It'll be good to kick the rats in the woodshed again with my good friend, John Kerry."
Hat tip to CBS News.