Saturday, February 26, 2005

Bill O'Reilly's Intensity Credited For Egypt Policy Change

Cairo, Egypt--Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak's surprise policy shift on democratic elections is being credited to the powerhouse presence of FOX News personality, Bill O'Reilly.

Bill O'Reilly intimidates yet another cowering
victim of his impenetrable magnitude. Egypt
is purportedly fearful he may "Come over there
and hold their feet to the fire."

Mubarak has given his assent to allowing challengers in the opposition party to run in the fall elections.

"He has an intensity like we have never seen, since even the grand days of the Nile," said Mubarak. "We have until this time, preferred hedgemony over dissent, but when we got wind that O'Reilly was warning us--and--could possibly enlist his listeners to devalue our currency, we thought we'd better change our policy."

Mubarak has run in an "unopposed" category, every six years, since the assassination of President Anwar Sadat. Critics in the opposition have maintained that this is not an accident, and believe this is why Bill O'Reilly stepped in.

O'Reilly is famous for nearly single-handedly bankrupting France's economy, with his daily admonitions to listeners. Egypt fears that O'Reilly's take-no-prisoners approach to middle eastern conflicts may spillover into a situation that has their people cowering in fear of the Irish tour-de-force, and his ability to wreck entire commonwealths with a single criticism.

O'Reilly is also thought to have intimidated the recent low-pressure systems besieging southern California back into the pacific Ocean, using an old form of intimidation called "mad-dogging." A technique he downplays in his negotiations with Mubarak.

"I just called up Mr. Mubarak and said, 'Hey Hos, what say you? I know what you're trying to do, pal.' He couldn't say a word after that."

O'Reilly is next expected to level veiled threats of a boycott against the four horsemen of the apocalypse on his show, The O'Reilly Factor.

"The Factor will nullify the book of Revelation, and it's sponsors." he said. "The author is running from the Factor. He won't face me."

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