Sunday, February 06, 2005

FOX Calls Superbowl For Patriots

Broward county voters can't find stadium

Jacksonville--The Fox News Network went out on a limb last night by calling Superbowl XXXIX to be a decisive landslide by the New England Patriots over the Philadelphia Eagles.

"Absolutely all of our exit-polling data points to this trend," said a high-ranking FOX executive. "We may even fall within a 2 point margin from dead center."

The Winners

New England players celebrate
their projected win. Fox News
exit polls indicate a landslide.

Current polls show a 48% to 22% spread between the two teams, with New England the easy favorite. Conversely, internal data does indicate that a small majority (35%) will be "rooting in their hearts" for the Eagles, and 33% for the Patriots. External cheering is more likely to reflect the prior data, according to one analyst.

"That's why it's hard to find a Kerry voter now as well," he said.

Other issues surrounding the Superbowl entail the difficulty Broward county voters, particularly Democrats, are having locating Jacksonville on a map and driving there.

"Some of these people were sold tickets, many at outrageously inflated prices," said one Florida Democratic official. "They were not, however, given appropriate and concise instructions as to how to drive to Jacksonville."

Democratic officials are concerned that Broward county
voters will be hoodwinked by the apparent insertion of decoy
Jacksonvilles into the Mapquest Florida matrix.

Others are concerned that many of those who accidentally voted for Buchanan may somehow stumble into Jacksonville, but will never be able to maneuver their way into Alltel Stadium itself.

On another front, the Rev. Jesse Jackson is expected to be in Florida this afternoon to investigate claims that Karl Rove's operatives have hacked the MapQuest site to include multiple decoy Jacksonvilles, primarily along the east coast.

Officials concede that the sheer proximity of these claims to today's game time makes vetting these issues nearly impossible. Should the game result in an actual Patriots victory, Eagles fans can expect legal action. Nancy Pelosi said the unfortunate nature of this situation will not preclude the action itself.

"If these fans cannot have a voice in defeating New England," she said. "it is incumbent upon us to overturn the results."

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