The Therapist: September 2005

Friday, September 30, 2005

Live Blogging My Hate Mail

I just received this kind missive from some Chervil-something-or-other:

Entertainer? Comedian?

In what universe?

And, didn't DeLay look delightful as the put-upon victim? He doesn't do pious at all well, does he?

You are living proof that the ability to use the English language is not directly correlated with intellectual prowess.

To which I have just responded:

"And, didn't DeLay look delightful as the put-upon victim? "

That'll be "acquitted" victim to you.

To which this squirrel-bait has responded thus:

Yeah, I'm so laughing over here. Let's see, three reprimands from the Ethics commmittee in the past year... Associated with numerous individuals facing other
indictments... Incapable of articulating an original thought... Hmmm....

Yeah, I really admire Tommie Boy. NOT!!!

Are you seeking treatment for your HUB syndrome?

Of course I retorted in kind:

Let's see, Plagiarists, vehicular man slaughterers, and democrats that sneak sensitive documents out of the pentagon in their pants.

Wow, those three reprimands really do sit in sharp relief to the tepid cadre of boy scouts in your party. What was I thinking?

Now go away.

Loser. Not a creative bone in his or her body. sad.

Oops, seems I misspelled a word. Now I'm against the ropes. Don't hit me, Forrest!

The word is plagiarists.

You have NO idea what is my party affiliation. You are making unfounded assumptions.

Fortunately, I WON'T go away. I intend to address your divisiveness just as vehemently as I am addressing the divisiveness of others, regardless of their party affiliation.

If you could but TRY to effectively convince me that Tom DeLay is above reproach.

Let's see... If it quacks like a duck... If it walks like a duck... If it smells like a duck...

I can't keep up with cement head here. I just emailed them the link to the fact that I'm posting, and I've received two more emails:

Bwahahahahahahahaha!!!!!

Yeah, you have epitomized creativity with that blog!!!

Thanks for the relentless levity!

Phew! I love a good belly laugh.

And of course the final bullet to my intellectual head:

Received... are you familiar with spell check?

hehehehehehe

STILL so laughing over here...

The short bus is on the way. Everyone, please thank this reader for their patronage at chervil@houston.rr.com. I'm sure they'd love to hear from you, since they're not going away and all.

I am amazed, that the same nitwit can say "unfounded assumptions" and " Bwahahahahahahahaha!!!!!" in the same argument, and not expect me to call for the lab coats and the cache of Haldol syringes.

If You Haven't Read Fred

You may want to. May not be everyone's cup of tea, but the guy's one good writer.

I can almost hear the guy speaking. And what he's saying here needs to be said more.

Hillary Recieves Another Letter From Screwtape

L.S. Screwtape
Prince of Hell,
Hades

September 29th, 2005

My Dearest Hillary,

Refrain from chastising me, errant one. I fully understand the risk of having the federal courts start acting up as we sit on the cusp of the next Supreme Court nomination. The DeLay indictment and that sanctimoniously-lathered Abu Ghraib ruling are timed in a fashion not unlike that of the coordinated bombing attacks in London. And we have the same apologists working for us as they have working for them.

Sure, they could backfire. We could get Janice Rogers Brown. I will accept the responsibility if—that happens. My hope is that Bush will defer to his “compassionate” side and appoint William Kuntsler* to the bench.

I’m not going to keep telling you. Keep that mouth of yours shut. That voice, good grief, woman, that cacophonous clatter that emanates from anything above fifteen decibels is killing all of us. There isn’t an stem cell alive that can regenerate your dulcet tones to a point that I don’t want to go rooftop with an automatic weapon every time you decide to wax passionate with an SM58 beta mic or a neighborhood megaphone.

At least I’ve got the media on board. I don’t even have to work at it with them. It’s truly like they have my heart—my very blood flowing through their veins. And I happen to be proud of the vacuous, empty veneer of purity which I have attributed to journalists—when in reality—they are the absolute gold standard of the mantle-piercing, subterranean strata of cowardice ever witnessed by our Enemy above.

By the way, abortions are down. Thus, so are feminist baptisms by immersion.

Speaking of which, did I not tell you that my ability to obfuscate has not been sullied by time? I speak primarily, of course of the “partial birth” procedure, of which I am proud—even if I am shocked at my own brazenness. I have actually leveled the argument that there exists an unnamed malady, that—if a baby is not delivered breach save for the head, an incision made at the base of the skull, and the brains literally vacuumed out—that a mother could actually die of this dread, unexplainable disease.

Yet, surgical procedures in general remain demystified, with little or no disturbing contrast in argument: Appendicitis? Easily ameliorated by the removal of the appendix proper. A cancerous tumor requires immediate attention of the same order. Even gargantuan benignities can be life threatening without a simple incision and evacuation measure. Yet, the federal courts have gone the extra mile to build a hedge about the woman whose very life-blood “depends” upon the death of her third-trimester child—that there may be a conflict between a mother’s ability to live and the choice to lay the scalpel at the umbilical cord instead.

See? I am good. Tom DeLay is only the beginning of sorrows for those poltroons in the Republican Party. I just don’t think they have the fight in them.

Your affectionate mentor,

Screwtape

* My bad. William Kuntsler became a good Democrat in 1995. Who do you think I am, God?

Thursday, September 29, 2005

I Rarely Grant Interviews

But Sobek nearly quotes me verbatim. trouble is, I can't remember ever having Mick Mars as a guitarist.

Besides, There's No Way I Could Satirize My Point

I sat and read the account of how Kathleen Blanco asked not to be questioned about her response to hurricane Katrina.

I also note that the Republicans obliged her. This makes me SICK.

There is a sincere part of me--and I mean a big one--that does believe in a biblical end to this stupid freak show down here. And I happen to believe the way to expedite it is to just go ahead and let the Democrats run things for a few terms. Let them just go ahead and take over, instead of having the republican leadership just incrementally take date-rape medication and run for reelection.

Of course, that means that I would have to actively work to defeat the Republicans, in retribution for bending over at the slightest request from the left. I'm on the verge of it.

I felt this way when the Republicans decided to "power share" with the democrats. That is also why I was pleased to see Trent Lott lose his leadership position--even though he lost it in the white-hot hypocrisy of those racist democrats who called for his firing.

I also have to admit I found it humorous that John McCain actually thought he was going to have a cogent conversation with that malleable velociraptor, Cindy Sheehan. Instead, she took a bite of his skull, and walked away.

Every single time a republican caves in the left, they get ravished, and tossed to the roadside in a Hefty two-ply.

When are they going to learn?

My guess is, when President Hillary Clinton uses her line-item veto to kill an infanticide ban from the crime bill, that's when.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Maybe I'm Just Not Clear

I am NOT quitting blogging.

What I am doing, however, is freeing myself of the satirical constraints that I had wrongly assumed was my final "voice" in this medium.

Oh, no, I'm not going anywhere. And for now, I'll continue to operate under this moniker.

But first, let me change back to my original picture.

There, that's better.

I'm going with what I feel. My good friend, John, from Wuzzadem, very rightly pointed out to me on the telephone that every single thing I have ever satirized on this blog could have been handled just as cleverly with a little more literary deftness.

He's right, you know. I's rather be doing what Ann Coulter does, but I'll accept Scott Ott's speaking fees, if anybody wants to pay them. Plus, I know I have such skill. So enough chit chat. I am now operating outside whatever disciplines I had heretofore chained my style to, and I'm sick of trying to be the fair and balanced Onion.

Time to fly. . . I hope you like it. Comments will be back up later on, when I overcome the lack of desire to monkey with my html template again.

The Therapist

Today's Headline Is . . .

Oh, I don't know. How about:

Democrats Place Hope In Beatty's Sqeaky-Clean Sexual Past

(insert body of story here, with fake quotes that support the presumably funny headline)

Click "post"

Get no traffic.

I'm just going to park this thing for a while, folks, while I try to figure out how to match the ascerbic wit of other satire sites, some of which cannot even maintain a single paragraph of quasi-journalistic cadence through even one paragraph. But they've got me hands down in the traffic department.

And no, I'm not going to name them, because I'm not going to start a fight.

Actually the time has come to reconfigure. I will either permenently moor this blog, and start another one with an entirely different premise (possibly an intelligent blog, maybe?) I may drop the satire, and make this my own analytical/humorous aside, or just start writing straight material.

This satire stuff aint cutting it, outside the 200 blessed that show up here. Scrappleface owns the right edge, The Onion owns the left. Audience loyalty is a galvanized issue that I underestimated. Apparently, Scxrappleface readers feel like they're committing literary adultery by even coming here. Who am I to try to break up that marriage?

Either way, the time has come to change this riff. I'm tired of flailing in a genre that, while good, and funny, and whatever it supposedly is--isn't working.

But I am going to be around. Just not wasting my time on stupid, edgy headlines that strike viscerally at the midriff of a dead horse of potential.

I've actually started another blog, but I've yet to breathe life into its nostrils. Then again, I've yet to do it here.

Oh, and no comments. I will be diabling them anyway, because I don't want to hear it. Really.

Monday, September 26, 2005

Bush To Nominate Jane Roe's Baby To High Court

35 year old-expected to take substantial grilling on abortion views, say analysts

Jane Roe's now 35-year-old daughter is expected to pass the "pro abortion" litmus test before key democratic senators will vote for her. Roe is pictured here in her first trimester, when her mother attempted to obtain the right to terminate her.

Washington--As the Senate debates the presumed confirmation of Judge John Roberts to Chief Justice of the United States Supreme Court, President Bush said he was "set to nominate" the as-yet unnamed female—still known as "Jane Roe's baby"— to fill the position being vacated by Justice Sandra Day O'Connor.

Roe, 35, is the youngest presumptive nominee in US history, said the path to such a moment “has been fraught with obstacles.”

“I remember telling my mother, that I’d wish I’d never been born,” said Roe. “All she’d do is internalize it and say ‘you and me both.’”

Roe is expected to face heated opposition from Senate democrats, who feel that Roe’s proximity to the landmark, 1974 Roe Vs. Wade decision legalizing abortion on demand may “taint” the way Roe may look at any future legal challenges to the ruling.

“I intend to oppose this nomination at the outset,” said California senator Barbara Boxer. “But I do intend to ask important questions. Primarily, does Ms. Roe intend to recuse herself from any and all cases that threaten a woman’s right to do what her mother wanted to do to her? This is tantamount to keeping this country safe.”

Senator Harry Reid cautioned senate members from making hasty public pronouncements before the initial hearings, but that he wishes Roe. Vs. Wade “would have been ruled on in 1972.”

“I’m voting against that meiotic meteorite,” said Reid. I’m not having my rights as a defendant eroded and mauled by what is arguably the Democratic Party’s first hanging chad.”

Roe said she takes the comments in stride.

“Look, I’ve had 35 really, really, awkward birthdays,” she said. “I can deal with the guy from American Gothic trying to pitchfork my nomination. I’ve had The National Organization for Women trying to pitchfork me from the beginning.”

TRUTH ALERT: Global Warming Makes Me Want To Shake James Brolin Like A Rag Doll

By Donny, Your Neighbor's Pit Bull,
Guest Columnist

If you see me dragging Barry Gibb's rib cage around the yard, don't blame me. Blame the Atlantic Ocean's ever-increasing temperature. It's having a drastic effect on my unprovoked attack ratios.

The science is there people, and I am the bloodthirsty, marauding conduit for change. Barabara Streisand is a lone voice crying out in the wilderness. She's even issued a truth alert--all trying to tell us she notices that more hurricanes happened this year and that it bothers her. Pretty good science if you ask me. All I'm saying is: give me a reason to disembowel the mailman, and I'm taking it.

Sure, sure, I feel the earth getting warmer under my little foot pads. And yes it bothers me. That's why I prefer to charge at people and use their bodies for a insulatory mat while I muffle their screams with my detached jowls. They know it bothers me.

But you ask me, "how can you be so opportunistic with global warming rationale, when the same oceanic temperatures and hurricane augmentations happened in the 1940's?" Shut your mouth, man. You don't know what you’re playing with when you start pointing things out like that. You'd be better off inventing a water-fueled car next door to an oil magnate then start putting your hand in my food dish with your little facts. Just turn the other way, and I'll promise not to plow into your kid’s classroom on one of my "rabies runs" in the spring.

You people better buck up and listen to Barbara Streisand. I know I am. I'm like a looter, but I kill people instead of rifling through their stuff. If I'm going to be hauling around a Reebok, I want a a foot to be in it. Can I get a witness?

All right, I'll admit the truth. My wife-beater owner trained me to attack at the sound of Babs' voice. The problem is, is that I want to pull the arms off James Brolin and make him do that "black knight" thing from Monty Python's Holy Grail movie. He's got great hair, but in my business we prefer to call it a "handle."

Every time I hear "Enough is Enough," I'm ready to take out the BeeGees, and not just Barry. That beard of his will be like the pull-tab on a Wrigley's package when I get ahold of him, though. Lol.

I also understand that Kris Kristofferson's had the presence of mind to lay low right now, while my human dog whistle gets all that publicity by Diane Sawyer. I always knew he was smarter than he came across.

But you global warming people keep it up. I'm tanned, rested, and ready to flash.

Sunday, September 25, 2005

Why Mr. Bush Will Lose Reelection In '08

By John Kerry,
Guest Columnist

President Bush's trademark swagger and half-hearted smirk is going to cost him dearly. I may have been wrong on a few things, like recounting exactly how many inches over the Cambodian border I was sent by Nixon and LBJ. But, barring those things, I feel I have the prognosticatory strengths of the next guy.

I am venturing that the man who lays his hand across the Bible on January 20th, 2009 will not be the dread George Walker Bush. Gutsy? Yes. A protracted shot across the bow of all who play gerrymandering Jimmy The Greeks? Yes sir. But the brave flank is one I have assumed ever since I had personally raped, cut off ears, cut off heads, taped wires from portable telephones to human genitals and turned up the power, cut off limbs, blown up bodies, randomly shot at civilians, razed villages in fashion reminiscent of Genghis Khan, shot cattle and dogs for fun, poisoned food stocks, and generally ravaged the countryside of South Vietnam.

Being the pioneer who takes the arrows is the kind of precarium I prefer. I was just telling Theresa as she was taking her Oxycontin, "thank you for my allowance this week, I was born to lead."

You know what she told me? She confirmed my political pedigree with the most self-effacing remark I've ever heard from her: "I am no one! I am NO ONE!" I would have kissed her, but the leather institutional restraints and the frantic clergy were in my way.

But why am I so confident? Hurricane Katrina. Mr. Bush, when presented with the opportunity to stand up and say "I don't like it when black people drown," ran away. He ran away from the opportunity to counter the preponderance of hearsay that says "those 11% of African American votes I recieved in the last election don't matter to me."

This is why we need either myself, or even Hillary Rodham Clinton. You remember the Clinton years, don't you? Now that's a man who understood the human condition, particularly that of the impoverished. The 1994 Crime Bill was the true apex of compassion, when Mr. Clinton signed a bill that said the way to reduce inner-city violence was to give basketballs to black people.

The very fact that it did not occur to Bush to air drop basketballs, Crown air freshener, and enough Mickey's Big Mouths to properly stem the confusion shows his callous attitudes toward those of lesser provisions.

Food? Water? Order? He'll be laughed right off the political map for that grand scheme. Mark my words.

Panderer.

As If The Gay Atheist Isn't Smart Enough To Start Their Own Scouting Organizations

Those merit badges would be something . . . .

Reganites Unite sends me the following outrage with regard to what happens when these people just don't have a life.

I now must get on with my God-inclusive, heterosexual hegemeony.

-T

UPDATE: Something just occurred to me. If gay boys want to join the scouts, why aren't they pestering the girl scouts for entree?

Just thinkin'

Friday, September 23, 2005

Maybe I Should Start My Own T-Shirt Mill

Thank you, Dallas!

Goodnight!

Hey Media, You Tell Us Where The Hurricane's Going To Hit

Today, Good Morning America's Jake Tapper went to Blacksville Virginia, strapped himself into a wind tunnel, and illustrated to us ignoramii something we didn't know--that 100 MPH-plus winds can "blow things around and kill people."

In video sequence meant to convince us that Mr. Tapper was subjected to a NASA-quality regimen, Mr. Tapper held his microphone, faced the wind, and told the viewing audience that the 111 MPH winds made it feel like his "skin was coming off his skull."

Well, Jake, thank you. Thank you for trivializing a category 5 into whether or not you're going to have to apply your Ponds cold cream to your detached visage. Let Mr. Therapist make a unique statement about a category 5 hurricane:

Having an entire house rolling toward you makes one really not care about your brave foray into a controlled, bungee-buffered environment.

The media is having a self-congratulatory field day, with their flawless reporting on what could happen—what Hurricane Rita could do:

It could destroy Houston
It could destroy Lake Charles
It could destroy the oil industry
It could bring gas to $5.00 a gallon
It could cause a second levee breach in New Orleans

That’s a lot of “it coulds” for a group of people that expected 20/20 clairvoyance from President Bush and allows for retroactive cataracts from Mayor Nagin.

Thank you.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Hurricane Cindy Downgraded To Topical Depression

Many watched in horror as a presumably cataclysmic Hurricane Cindy arrived at the banks of the Potomac. Experts looking at the veritably undetectable effect on policy have downgraded her to a "topical depression."

Washington--Floundering in the wake of Hurricane Katrina and now an impending Rita, Hurricane Cindy was downgraded by authorities to a "topical depression" yesterday, as her tempestuous arrival at the WhiteHouse caused no evacuations.

Originally deemed a category 5 media surge, hurricane Cindy began to lose momentum somewhere between her origin in Crawford, Texas and her multi-state trajectory that culminated with a ground-zero hit on 1600 Pennsylvania avenue, according to experts.

Those most closely affected by the hurricane had hoped that Cindy's arrival "may elicit evacuations” of the residence by its primary occupants, President George W. Bush, and his wife, Laura. Such was not the case, as Mr. Bush was touring the Gulf region, and was not available for what many now call a "pathetic academic exercise."

"The primary reason for the downgrade was her inability to gain momentum, despite the enormous blue-state warm water she encountered," said Dr. Will Backfire, expert in political climatology. "This is clearly nothing more than a cold front enveloping a lot of hot air. Something this topically depressing cries out for reevaluation."

As Cindy's full force met the banks of the Potomac this afternoon, many were heard to exclaim, "what is that over there, a sunburned Martina Navratolova?" and little else.

"This is what we mean, " said Backfire. "Sad. We haven't seen anything this weak since Hurricane Rosie."

Related: Mother Sheehan Goes To Washington

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

1 Out of 1 Therapists Say Fly Fishing More Fun Than Blogging

Redding, Ca.--In a recent poll amongst online bloggers calling themselves The Therapist, researchers indicate that 100% percent of those individuals would "rather be fly fishing," as opposed to the sometimes fruitless task of conjuring satirical headlines meant to lampoon real life.

"I am totally committed to hitting the Girvan Channels this evening," said Ron G., a Northen California resident and online Therapist. "At least getting no traffic there means I still absorb the solitude of wading the lower Sacramento River. Plus, I don't have to link to a source trout if I catch one on an elk hair caddis with a surface grab."

Most Therapists indicate that "fishing could trump" any literary ambitions, and that blogging "hangs by a thread weaker than 5x tippet material."

Developing . . .

Looking At My Stats

I see that I've had an abysmally low 86 independent vists in the last ten hours.

I'm just not going to toss perfectly good creativity into a black hole today.

Here, make up your own headline about:

Hurricane Rita
"Stuck on Stupid"
The upcoming replacement pick for Sandra Day O'Connor
Cindy Sheehan's nightmare contusions in New York

Or whatever. Fill in the story. Send it to hundreds of people. You too, can one day reach the 86-person plateau that I've achieved in the mere blur of one year.

Remember, the only wasted post is the post that's posted.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

AOL's Totally Objective Polling Science

Every single time I log on to my AOL account, the headline page has some kind of ticker running across it that basically says, "more bad news for Bush/Bush continues to fail, fail fail," etc. On and on and on it goes, ad nauseum.

But the worst are these unscientific opinion polls. They are always skewed left, and they always provide an all-or-nothing kind of scenario, in which it becomes much easier to give a negative rating to anybody to the right of Stalin. That is why I was surprised to see them leaving this one up to be read by God and man at Yale:

You will notice, that they attempted to provide a secondary lightning rod for Nagin, by inserting that dread Bush's name into the scenario. For this particular excercise, it failed. I was surprised, because the general AOL readership seems to populated with magna cum laude graduates in People Magazine.

I wholly expect to see the following polls in the next few days, as recompense is never far behind with these people:

Or even:

I'll keep you posted. They've probably taken this one down by now.

Broussard To Retract Drowning Timeline On Wednesday,Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday

"I am totally emabarassed, shamed, chagrinned, angry, and disappointed," he says

Broussard, in his Sept. 4th appearance on Meet The Press, is seen wailing, caterwauling, emoting, knashing his teeth and giving the grand catharsis to Tim Russert.

New Orleans--Jefferson County parish president, Aaron Broussard announced today that he will "publicly retract" his timeline with regard to the drowning a a friend's mother. Broussard is expected to retract the timeline sometime during the Wednesday news cycle, and possibly attempt to continue attempting to retract it every day through the following Monday.

Broussard, who's Sept. 4th appearance on NBC's Meet the Press, stunned the world with his emotional account of the incident, along with the time frame called into question by Wuzzadem, a prominent humor and satire blog, who's investigative asides spurred the entire maelstrom by merely comparing actual hurricane development timelines with Broussard's claim from the show:

BROUSSARD: ... The guy who runs this building I'm in, emergency management, he’s responsible for everything. His mother was trapped in St. Bernard nursing home and every day she called him and said, "Are you coming, son? Is somebody coming?" And he said, "Yeah, Mama, somebody's coming to get you. Somebody's coming to get you on Tuesday. Somebody's coming to get you on Wednesday. Somebody's coming to get you on Thursday. Somebody's coming to get you on Friday." And she drowned Friday night. She drowned Friday night.

While sources say the woman in question did perish in the flooding—and in the nursing home in which the two owners now face indictment for the death of scores more—that the timeline actually lays between late Saturday and early Monday.

Broussard noted he was “emotional,” and that he has been subject to dramatic point of departure “ever since I was seven, eight, nine ten, eleven and twelve.” Many that know Broussard vouch for his sincerity, but note that his recollections of hurricane Katrina “could also include a storm continuum from September, October, November December, January and February.”

“He’s a good man, woman, vegetable, mineral and carbon-based life form, “ said one friend. “He’d never intentionally mislead, hoodwink, step-on, pad, embroider, or play the slippery eel with the facts.”

Broussard is expected to take to the airwaves starting Wednesday to retract, reconsider, evaluate, correct and validate his timeline on NBC, CBS, FOX, CNN, The Discovery Channel, The Trinity Broadcasting Network and Animal Planet, to set the record straight, settle the score, even the playing field, re-magnetize the compass, and take the wheel out of the sand.

Monday, September 19, 2005

The Annotated North Korea

My capacity as The Therapist sometimes requires me to actually be one. Today, I harness my skills as an interpreter with those of circumspect media observer.

This story say North Korea’s a nice country now. I beg to differ. In so doing, I offer, The Annotated North Korea:

BEIJING (AP) - North Korea agreed Monday to stop building nuclear weapons and allow international inspections in exchange for energy aid, economic cooperation and security assurances, a breakthrough that marked a first step toward disarmament after two years of six-nation talks.

North Korea used a pen, along with ambiguous semantics to convince the United States to be the supporting hand in their lifeless, totalitarian puppet, to include possible military protection of the puppet.

The chief U.S. envoy to the talks praised the development as a "win-win situation" and "good agreement for all of us." But he promptly urged Pyongyang to make good on its promises by ending operations at its main nuclear facility at Yongbyon.

The chief US Envoy said that North Korea’s ability to say they would stop their nuclear program was “most swell,” and thought maybe actually doing what they said would prove their willingness to “go the extra mile.”

"What is the purpose of operating it at this point?" said U.S. Assistant Secretary of State Christopher Hill. "The time to turn it off would be about now."

“Since you have abandoned your desire to incinerate the entire North American Continent, why don’t you just go ahead an throw all those years of scientific espionage into the scrap heap,” said US Assistant Secretary of State, Christopher Hill. “Here, here’s a scrap heap right here.”

Despite the deal's potential to help significantly ease friction between the North and the United States after years of false starts and setbacks, Hill remained cautious.

Hill was concerned that North Korea will accept oil and food, but possibly “forget” to disarm.

"We have to see what comes in the days and weeks ahead," he said.

“The oil and food is on the way,” said Hill.

The agreement clinched seven days of talks aimed at setting out general principles for the North's disarmament. Envoys agreed to return in early November to begin hashing out details of how that will be done.

The vagaries of “you quit making bombs, and we’ll feed you” bespeaks a complicated doctrine, requiring millions of American taxpayer-funded dollars to send diplomats to EuroDisney.

Then, the hard work of ensuring compliance will begin, officials attending the
talks said.

Making North Korea live up to the deal is predicated on a cold day in hell, said officials.

"Agreeing to a common document does not mean that the solution to our problems has been found," said Japan's chief envoy, Kenichiro Sasae

“North Korea will most likely deploy an ICBM at the United States,” said Kenichiro Sasae.

Another Japanese official, who spoke on condition he not be named in order to discuss the issue more freely, noted that there was no common understanding among the participants about the nature of North Korea's nuclear program.

Another Japanese official that knows what’s going on said nobody else knows what’s going on. He declined to give his name in case somebody else figures out he knows what’s going on.

The head of the U.N. nuclear nonproliferation agency welcomed North Korea's decision to allow inspections, saying he hoped his experts could take the country at its word as soon as possible.

The head of the U.N. nuclear nonproliferation agency said he would like to begin inspections just as soon as suitable concealments for the current nuclear program have been arranged by North Korean officials.

"The earlier we go back, the better," said Mohamed ElBaradei, head of the International Atomic Energy Agency.

“We need to know the totality of what we will be denying the existence of,” said Mohamed ElBaradei, head of the International Atomic Energy Agency.

According to a joint statement issued at the talks' conclusion, the North "committed to abandoning all nuclear weapons and existing nuclear programs and returning at an early date" to the Nuclear Nonproliferation Treaty and International Atomic Energy Agency safeguards.

According to a joint statement issued at the talks' conclusion, the North said they would “go back and not abide by” earlier standards set forth by the Nuclear Nonproliferation Treaty and International Atomic Energy Agency safeguards while keeping the stockpile of weapons manufactured under the laeter, not-abided-by standards.

"The six parties unanimously reaffirmed that the goal of the six-party talks is the verifiable denuclearization of the Korean Peninsula in a peaceful manner," the statement said.

“We really, really like mission statements like the ones chronicled in The Dilbert Principle,” the statement said.

Responding to Pyongyang's claims that it needs atomic weapons for defense, North Korea and the United States pledged to respect each other's sovereignty and right to peaceful coexistence, and also to take steps to normalize relations.

North Korea promised to not monitor the free oil and food sent to them, and the United States promised not to monitor the continuing North Korean nuclear program.

"The United States affirmed that it has no nuclear weapons on the Korean Peninsula and has no intention to attack or invade (North Korea) with nuclear or conventional weapons," according to the statement, in assurances echoed by South Korea.

“The only military malfeasance allowed is missiles pointed at the United States by North Korea.” Said a statement.

The talks, which began in August 2003, include China, Japan, Russia, the United
States and the two Koreas.

The United States is like Jodie Foster in “The Accused.”

The negotiations had been deadlocked over North Korea's demand to keep the right to civilian nuclear programs after it disarms, and the statement acknowledges the North has made such an assertion but doesn't go beyond that.

The negotiations had been deadlocked because North Korea’s only sentient private sector works for the government anyway. And, coincidentally, they make nuclear bombs.

North Korea had also demanded that it be given a light-water nuclear reactor at the latest talks - a type less easily diverted for weapons use - but Washington had said it and other countries at the talks wouldn't meet that request.

We prefer not to sell gun-shaped lighters to convicted felons.

Putting aside the question for now, the statement said: "The other parties expressed their respect and agreed to discuss at an appropriate time the subject of the provision of light-water reactor" to North Korea.

Putting aside the question for now, the statement said: “We’ll give you nukes after you prove you’re not making them yourself.”

The North will have to build trust by fulfilling all its pledges before that issue would be discussed, said Sasae, who is director of the Asia and Oceania Bureau at Japan's Foreign Ministry.

Trust is defined by not nuking anybody in your gulags, said Sasae, who is director of the Asia and Oceania Bureau at Japan's Foreign Ministry.

North Korea has also refused to totally disarm without getting concessions along the way, while Washington has said it wants to see the weapons programs totally dismantled before granting rewards. The statement, however, says the sides agreed to take steps to implement the agreement "in a phased manner in line with the principle of 'commitment for commitment, action for action.'"

North Korea prefers to have the United States “Toatlly feed” and “totally support” North Korea, while North Korea “totally tries” to “totally disarm.”

The other countries at the talks said they were willing give energy assistance to the North, including a South Korean plan to deliver electricity across the heavily armed border dividing the peninsula.

The other countries at the talks said they “weren’t worried” about all those nuclear reactors in North Korea not being used to provide electricity for themselves.

"This is the most important result since the six-party talks started more than
two years ago," said Chinese Vice Foreign Minister Wu Dawei, Beijing's envoy.

“I got to bring my family on this junket,” ," said Chinese Vice Foreign Minister Wu Dawei, Beijing's envoy.

North Korea was promised two light-water reactors under a 1994 deal with Washington to abandon its nuclear weapons. That agreement fell apart in late
2002 with the outbreak of the latest nuclear crisis, when U.S. officials said North Korea admitted having a secret uranium enrichment program.

Clinton’s Carter-esque diplomacy may have been run by FEMA.

The North is believed to have enough radioactive material for about a half-dozen
bombs from its publicly acknowledged plutonium program, but hasn't performed
any known nuclear tests to prove its capability. In February, the North claimed it had nuclear weapons.

Saddam didn’t have any WMD’s when he deployed them against the Kurds.

Japan and North Korea also said in the statement they would move to normalize relations regarding "the outstanding issues of concern." The reference appears to allude to Tokyo's concerns over its citizens that the North has admitted abducting.

North Korea may have to give back dead and kidnapped, “outstanding humans of concern” before Japan will look them in the eyes.

Nagin To Recieve Rabies Shots Amid Attempts To Repopulate Still-Flooded New Orleans

"I have my finger on the pulse of 1,200 bus drivers" says Mayor

Mayor Nagin (right), argues that reintrocing the New Orleans populace to underwater homes will "stimulate the economy." Vice Admiral Allen (left) says the mayor "most likely has rabies."

New Orleans--Saying he will repopulate the city of New Orleans over the reservations of emergency personnel, mayor Ray Nagin is set to undergo "precautionary" rabies shots on Tuesday.

"This city will be up to full speed by Friday," said Nagin to an assembled press pool. "I don't care if your home is still underwater, get yourselves back there and get that jambalaya cooking."

Nagin says he intends to have "every citizen" back into their homes by the week's end "even if I have to activate that dormant municipal bus fleet."

Nagin denies any preliminary plans to force the unwilling back into their homes, but that "I cannot rule it out, either."

Many say the mayor is jumping at municipal revival a little too soon. Coast Guard Vice Adm. Thad Allen, head of the federal government's hurricane response, said that returning the city’s resident this early on would not only overwhelm the city's existing services, but that the mayor would be subjecting his citizens to unsanitary--even dangerous conditions.

Mayor Nagin often refers to his "ace in the hole" fleet of unused buses, "in case anybody doubts my ability to get my people back into flooded conditions."

"I have recommended that Mayor Nagin retract his mayoral edict, and have precautionary rabies shots," said Allen. 'We haven't seen this kind of public lunacy since Edgar Allen Poe was foaming at the mouth and flinging himself out of public houses."

In response to Allen's comments, Nagin pretended to draw a weapon from a holster, winked at a flickering light post, and said "I'll make you famous." He then assented to the treatment, but noted he would cease the shot series "if and when it comes time to reintroduce the elderly to their submerged wheelchair ramps."

"This city needs a black mayor," said Nagin. "Katrina may have been the tipping point."

Saturday, September 17, 2005

Hurricane Victims Should Be Inundated With Culture As Well As Compassion

Bulgarian artist Cristo Javacheff: "Now, more than ever, these people need remedial art appreciation classes."

"Environmental artists" Christo Javacheff and Jean-Claude Denat de Guillebon (who, together, are commonly referred to as Christo), are offering a donation to the victims of hurricane Katrina in the form of one of their world famous "installation art" projects.

The artists, whose past projects include Wrapped Reichstag and The Gates, have submitted to authorities plans and drawings for the proposed work, tentatively entitled Stagnancy of Compassion, which comprises an enormous body of water, estimated to be nearly the size of the city of New Orleans. The drawings show what appear to be the tops of houses, trees, street signs and telephone poles protruding from the water.

In an unexpected departure from Cristo's minimalist style, the work features several different "attractions", each with its own theme, including School Bus Pool; a parcel of land lined with over 200 school buses in 2-3 feet of standing water, and Compost-Dome; a massive enclosed structure capable of seating 70,000 people, where "participants" can observe several tons of decaying garbage the artists say say will eventually be donated to "Some kind of charity that distributes mulch to poor people."

Javacheff and Denat de Guillebon say that most of the materials they will need can be readily obtained at no cost at the as-yet-undisclosed location, however, this project will be unusually labor-intensive.

"We will need to reverse the direction of several massive water pumps," said Denat de Guillebon, "And we will require the services of a helicopter crew to remove a large number of very heavy sandbags."

When asked to explain the significance of the proposed work, a scowling Javacheff asked, "Why should I waste my time explaining this to someone who probably doesn't even know the difference between wrapping and surrounding?"

Filed by John from and Cross-Posted at WuzzaDem

Friday, September 16, 2005

I'm Back!

The fish weren't biting, and I just couldn't bear to be away from all of you for...All right, this isn't The Therapist, it's John from WuzzaDem.

I know, I know, I do a terrible Therapist impression, but I had to give it a shot.

This is just a test post, I'll try to get a "real" post up tonight or tomorrow.

In the meantime, talk amongst yourselves.

You know, in the comments.

Going Camping

Time for some fly-fishing at lake Siskyou. Time for some fresh air with my wife and kids.

And time to be away from this thing for two days.

I've entrusted John from Wuzzadem with the keys to the house, incase he has anything pertinent to post here. feel free to check back and see what may or may not be here.

I'll be back Sunday night.

The Therapist

Some Deference To Solid Skill

Take a look at this comic strip:

As Chris Muir makes his ascent up the front side of the six-millionth visitor plateau, a guy like me can take a bit of personal satisfaction in the fact that a guy as presumably busy as him would take time to write a brief-but-complimentary note in my comments section.

I read Day By Day, and I read it every day. I can do that because Chris has a new panel up every single day, without exception.

Unlike the schizophrenic temperament of the majority of the blogosphere, Chris’s characters have actual biographical merit. He also has to maintain a continuity to them, as audiences to such work are not only sharp, but can detect even the slightest incongruity—one inconsistent blip on the biographical radar, and his email box will go on “TILT.”

Though I consider myself a strong writer, writing comes exceptionally easy for me. But people that can distill into a few words what requires a thousand word screed from me is a talent unto itself. Factor in the artwork, and the task becomes gargantuan--the very thought of maintaining such a work fatigues my imagination. I have never understood the political cartoonist, and what kind of tireless tenacity they must have in their life to keep drawing, writing, angling, and creating.

I, on the other hand, get to go camping this weekend, and I will not blog again until Sunday. Chris may have some strategic way to avail himself to these ad hoc derelictions, but I doubt Gary Trudeau will “guest toon” for Chris—not that Chris would ever risk lowering his qualitative equity with such a request. Besides, Gary’s probably too busy trying to make a scandal out of the fact that President Bush’s bladder may actually work normally.

So if you’re in my audience, and by some cruel twist of fate have not yet read Day By Day. Do so. While the rest of us bloggers attempt to emerge as some kind of pseudo-Maximus in the coliseum of blogospheric spectacle, Chris Muir very quietly takes the culture war to what is possibly the true front line: The American refrigerator door. I know nothing I write will end up there.

Now go and read it.

--The Therapist

Coverage Of Zellweger, Chesney Wedding Longer Than Marriage

New York--With only a few cryptic clues as to why they are splitting, actress Renee Zellweger and conutry music star Kenny Chesney are calling it quits on their four-month martial stint.

Many in broadcast and print media are not pleased.

"We are still packing up our camera cables from the St. John island region," said one media member. "It takes a lot of work to cover a power couple like that. They could have at least stayed married until we got back to the contiguous United States. We still have producers in St. Croix."

Zellweger's on-paper explanation for the split is little more than a cryptic and ambiguous "fraud," leaving pundits and media analysts guessing.

"We don't think Kenny Chesney lip-synchs," noted one analyst. "But we're not sure."

Mayor Nagin May Want To Just Run For Dallas Mayor

After the President of the United States finished his speech to the nation this evening, Ted Koppel passed the rendering baton to ABC News correspondent, Dean Reynolds. Reynolds, standing before a seated assemblage of Black New Orleans residents, may have overplayed his hand. I can’t remember it verbatim, but it sort of went like this, right after Ted handed the broadcast duties off to Reynolds:

DEAN REYNOLDS: Good evening, Ted. I’m sitting here with some of the displaced . . . those tired, beleaguered blacks that are still sitting here at the Houston Astrodome, even after a full three weeks has transpired between the arrival of Hurricane Katrina and now. I’m out here to get some feedback from the grassroots; level—reaction to Mr. Bush’s speech. Maam, you’re black and stuff. If I may ask; just how much of the President’s speech did you find to have the currency above that of a cheap 40 oz??

WOMAN: I’ll tell you, I heard hopeful words. Mr. Bush made me feel like he means what he says.

DEAN REYNOLDS: (Unintelligible byplay between producer and reporter over Reynolds’ headphones) What I mean is, aside from the obvious positive projections made by the President. Where do you think he may have been lying to your face?

WOMAN: I don’t. I think he was sincere and to the point. I know I feel like returning to our home is imminent.

DEAN REYNOLDS: (panicked, static-laden reception over earphone. Reynolds retorts) of course she’s black! Look at the monitor . . . anyway, thank you.(turns to another man nearby) Sir, you look tired and at your wits end. Did Mr. Bush sell you on the fact that he intends to rectify the reverberating failures stemming from his egregious leadership?

MAN: (with Cajun accent) I don’t know what you mean. I just wanted to hear the speech. It was an excellent speech. Mr. Bush was really good!

DEAN REYNOLDS: (silently acknowledging a cue from the control room) Let’s try going back to the first few days. Is there anything specifically that any of you can point to that will allow me to completely avoid discussing Ray Nagin’s remote, fetal-position-in-the-clutch management techniques?

WOMAN IN BACK: Yes!

DEAN REYNOLDS: Fantastic! Where did Bush fail?”

WOMAN: He failed to educate that retarded mayor of ours. He could have at least paid for a book by Rudy Gulianai, or at least—Lee Iacocca. But that’s it. Our mayor needs to take a class on staying in town when the town is underwater. (screaming from Reynolds’monitor earphone)

DEAN REYNOLDS: Look, is anyone here even a real live black? Good grief, Ted, you send me into what is supposed to be the remnant tinder box of human misery, and I wind up interviewing Condi Rice’s foster family. Is there anyone here that thinks maybe Bush needs to accept the blame for this hurricane?

WOMAN: YES!

DEAN REYNOLDS: About time! In what capacity should Bush accept this blame?

WOMAN: I think he should accept the blame on behalf of Mayor Nagin, “since he couldn’t be here in New Orleans this evening, as he is closing escrow in Dallas”

DEAN REYNOLDS: Reporting live from Houston, I’m Dean Reynolds, back to you, Ted:

The video of the real exchange is in. I'm not that far off.

Seems John drew his revolver the same time I did.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Iran Displays New Openness To Being Preemptively Stricken

Washington--As Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad told the world of his willingness to share nuclear technology with other Islamic Nations, many foreign policy experts hailed the country's "new and open willingness" to being preemptively incinerated off the face of the earth.

"Up until now, we've only seen hollow symbolism," said one expert. "But with this new administration, we may actually get to see the rubber hit the road."

Ahmadinejad made the comments shortly after a meeting with the Turkish Prime Minister, who applauded Ahmadinejad's "forward thinking."

"This is a man who's looked into the future, and realizes that an Iran-free world is not only possible, but probable," he said.

Critics say that Ahmadinejad is merely "posturing," an attempt to make oneself appear to be the most volatile, surly nation on the planet.

"It's all smoke and mirrors," said one hopeful critic. "There's no way he's going to provoke the wholesale, pyhrric removal of his own country like that. That would be too good to be true."

Mr. Doofus Has A Chat With Atheist Michael Newdow

Many of you are aware that atheist Michael Newdow has secured what is, at least a temporary victory, when a federal judge again ruled the Pledge of Allegiance unconstitutional. My third-grade picture, Mr. Doofus, sat down to have a talk with Mr. Newdow, still glowing from . . . well whatever an atheist attributes glowing to.
-T

Why for did you do that thing down at the courthouse?

Because I am responsible for the unbelief that I am charged with instilling in my children, that’s why. If they’re going to successfully enter the workplace with little or no spiritual foundation to lean on during times of crisis, I’m going to have to continue taking an active role in their lives, even if I have to use the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals to make that woman’s life a living Hell.

Why for you say “Hell?”

Figurative, Mr. Doofus. Even I can’t escape the giant colloquial church I’ve been trapped in all my life. There is no Hell. Only in our language.

What for you need to make people say the thing no more at the schools?

That’s because I am threatened—threatened by the rhetorical acknowledgement of something I don’t believe has any power.

Who for makes you want to do the things at the court and stuff?

If you’re thinking I’m a puppet of the Devil, you’re just plain ignorant too, Mr. Doofus. This is an internal drive, completely organic. There is no higher power that gives me pause. I am a carbon-based life form with the courage to stand up to G—I mean the ignorant.

What for does Al Gore say the preachy things to black people?

Because Mr. Gore has very rightly done what most of the modern civil rights movement has done; they taken the effective cadences of the pulpit, substituted all musical references to sin and judgment and replaced them with assents to affirmative action and reparations. You’re never going to hear Mr. Gore acknowledge a calling greater than the environment. And if bringing America’s financial and military solvency down requires a bit of rhetorical impressionism, so be it. You don’t actually think a deference to a god plays any role in their motivations, do you? Why do you think I raise no concerns about Jesse Jackson blurring the lines between church and state?

Because the state is the . . . church?

Right, Mr. Doofus. Now you’re catching on.

Where for do you go to talk to the people you like?

Well, I am a member of the American Atheists. We have weekly meetings, and in fact, I have plenty of comprehensive literature that lays out the cons and cons of what we don’t believe. We are active non-believers in our communities, made up of a surprisingly wide demographic, although our strong suit really is compromised of those in politics and law.

What for do I need to wear if I go to that place?

Come as you are, Mr. Doofus. If you make it this Wednesday, come early, as we have what’s called our nursing home outreach, where we go and try to reach the found for atheism. So far, we’ve logged twelve for agnosticism, eight flat denials, over two hundred commitments to question existence, along with an encouraging number willing to commit to searing their conscience with a hot iron by smashing down that “still small voice.”

What for if I am scared?

Scared? Of what?

Nothing.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Expectoration, And The Law Of Unintended Consequences

So I’m skulking around John’s comments section, when Pile On® from the Ebb And Flow Institute raised a question I feel will reverberate throughout the halls of the humor blogs for years before a real answer is achieved: Why are people always holding bloggers responsible for their pie-hole spray?

So many times it has been, that I have logged onto my computer early in the morning, only to have an email from a new reader, claiming that I bear a degree of visceral blame for some inorganic liquid making a forceful exit from their olfactory channels. By the power of my skillful amalgam of imagery and wit, I can, through some external and unconnected power, turn the unwitting milk consumer into an expectorating, cranial Claymore mine—by rhetorically activating the pneumatic turbine that has been a part of their own facial arcana for their entire life.

Even the skilled and circumspect bloggers are subject to the violent onslaught. I myself discovered that Wuzzadem could remotely bilge-pump half my cappuccino through my sniffer, with merely the strategic placement of the word “water” within a larger point.

Liberal Larry told me I owed him a new keyboard with my unindemnified assault of hydraulic rhinoplasty. I understand he is adjusting to his third nostril quite nicely. I wish him the best.

At least Basil is able to confine his reactions to his teeth. That is at least for now. I'll write one smart thing, and that'll be it: snotty catharsis.

The question is, just how dangerous is this phenomenon? Maybe I should I place an indemnity clause on the masthead that says. “Hi, and welcome to The Therapist. If you happen to inadvertently atomize half a Slim Fast meal through the upper half of your head, it’s not my fault. Humor is entirely subjective. Have a nice day.”

It’s the liability that scares me. Sure, it’s all fun and games now, until I have Joseph Merrick serving me papers claiming he’s a circus sideshow because he read the headline, Wireless Internet Program Allows Ethiopians To Google™ Images Of Food, Water, and managed to force gallons of unregulated Perrier out his Cochlear channels. Sure, I’d argue that his damage came from a suppressed sneeze, or thalidomide fallout, but who are they going to believe? The silver-haired smarty-pants or the Elephant Man? You guessed it:

JUDGE: “Pay the cleft, wiseacre!”

ME: “Yes, your Honor. I’ll just leave the name blank and wedge it above your upper plate, ok?”

JUDGE: “Now go, and If this court comes to the understanding that you have written anything else under the Nom De Plume of Donny the Pit Bull, it will be considered contempt. That one alone turned my face into a sputtering, PVC irrigation hemorrhage.”

ME: “That was pretty funny, huh? I. Thought that I’d-----“

JUDGE: “GET OUT! GET OUT OF MY COURTROOM!”

I merely write this as more of a strategic focus; something that perhaps us funny guys could logroll, woodshed, and discuss. Because it may seem like mere whimsy . . . now. McDonald’s thought the same thing, until they had to buy some ambidextrous drive-through nitwit a new crotch and have their car detailed at the same time.

So what I’m saying is: Life is too short for me to pay for your new face, when I’ve got enough problems with mine without a hydraulic nasal aneurysm messing it up even further. If you have problems with such outbursts, then read humorists that aren’t funny, like maybe Al Franken.

Michael Newdow Sues To Keep God In Curse Words

A special, "Trashing our Traditions" reprise from February 22nd.

San Francisco--Standing yet again before the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals, atheist Michael Newdow is suing to maintain the presence of God in by-words, flagrant obscenities, and the time-honored vulgar expectoration associated with times when a thumb is smitten amiss with a mallet.

Newdow: Wants to be able
to curse non-existent God
without praying to Him.

Newdow's noteriety stems from his attempt to remove the phrase "under God" from the Pledge of Allegiance, which was upheld by the Circuit, but later rebuffed by the US Supreme Court. He contends that cinema, theatre, and general repartee amongst sentient beings would be greatly diminished without the "conversational option to curse the Deity."

"We have a duty to maintain the old landmarks," he said. "To remove Jesus Christ from the equation of indecorous dialogue, would spell disaster. One indiscriminate ruling by this court, and every decent movie script from time immemorial will collapse of its own weight."

Newdow did not attempt to explain why so many atheists are willing to invoke the Name of God in course speech, but become militantly antagonistic when invoked by others in conciliatory and deferential tones of voice.

The court is expected to hear from Newdow, The American Atheist Association, and the Northern League of Osscillating Tourrette's Fulminators, before rendering even a tentative verdict. Analysts indicate that the odds weigh heavily in Newdow's favor.

"This court realizes the phantom 'wall of seperation' between church and blasphemy is a concoction by religious fanatics." said a legal expert on the matter. "I think we can expect an energetic ruling that may even impute blue language into heretofore pristine territory." An implication that the standard "God's name in vain" rhetoric, along with traditional "Ghetto obscenities" may be retroactively dubbed into movies like Anne of Green Gables, The Parent Trap, and the entire Blue's Clues and Wiggles series.

"Whatever the ruling, it will have far-reaching implications." said Newdow. "But we believe god $#@# is on our side."

I know I May Whine About Traffic

And the reason I do it because I hate to see hard work go unrequited.

That said, I think this little bit over at Eyes on the Ball News is quite funny. Nobody appears to be reading him very much.

And there's a certain solidarity we share, being compatriot smart-alecs. Go visit and see if you don't laugh. I wish I'd have thought of the graphic.

-T

Mr. Therapist Is A Man Of Letters

Almost fifteen years ago, I submitted an incoherent piece of tripe to a local arts and entertainment magazine, called The Flying Penguin. For some sad reason, they thought I was funny, and I became sort of the lone, long-haired conservative on the staff.

About that time I had seen a book called The Lazlo Letters, in which letters were written to famous, infamous and notable people under the guise of "Ordinary Citizen." I knew instantaneously that a key element missing from my life was letter writing; the kind of letter writing that throws gentle-yet-confusing curveballs to personnel departments, and crack secretarial staffs, and either makes them laugh, or stick pins in my extrapolated effigy.

I now have two bloated binders of such letters; one full of the ones that were never answered. The other full of the ones that were. I know there’s a book waiting to be published, but right about the time I decided to run with it, I see Ted Nancy’s Letters From A Nut sitting on the shelves, with Jerry Seinfeld having written the foreward.

Again, too little too late. Kind of like satire blogging.

But, since Judge John Roberts is so comfortably handing Joe Biden his arrogant, grandstanding head without a flinch, I thought I’d go ahead and print a letter I mailed to Ruth Bader Ginsberg back in 1993. Yes, it's stupid. What do you want from me?

This one was unanswered. Maybe someday, I’ll print the answered ones from Charles Manson, Colin Powell’s office, Mother Teresa, and even the hand written letter from Bill Buckley. Not today, and maybe I will try to secure a book deal out of it--someday:

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Al Sharpton To Form National Association For The Advancement Of “My People”

Washington—The Reverend Al Sharpton announced this afternoon, that National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (NAACP) was “too sterile, clinical, and impersonal."

To merely compartmentalize the target of George W. Bush's Caucasian hurricane as "colored people? That's just too much an arms-length rendering, " said Sharpton. "Those people Bush tried to kill are my people, and this organization will be comprised of a large consortium of my people. That is why today I christen a new organization under the title: the National Association for the Advancement of My People (NAAMP)”

Sharpton said he had "no intention" of attempting to ladle member from the NAACP, to prime the membership pumps for what will initially be a fledgling NAAMP.

"I don't need to do that, " he said. Those people in New Orleans are my people.

Critics say that New Orleans resident, Aaron Neville, has already laid claim to the New Orleans constituency as "his people," far before Sharpton called them "my people." Others note equally-possessive language from the likes of Kanye West, Randall Robinson, Jesse Jackson, and even Bill Clinton, who referred to them as 'his people' under what is being called the "Toni Morrison precedent."

"Whatever happens, you can bet that these people will be at the center of a definitive court battle for years, before it becomes ultimately decided who's people they get to be," said one legal analyst. "My money's on Jackson, personally, but you never know if that trick Bill's gonna really turn on his latent blackenss at the last minute, and have the majority of New Orleans become his people."

The Plight Of The Deaf Hurricane Victim

I'm posting this because Google will turn up the fact that I interpret for the deaf, and therefore, it is possible that some of the displaced deaf could arrive here before they find Mike McConnel's site here.

If you are deaf, or know anyone that is, that could be caught in the vacuuous crossfire of informational miscommunication then please go to THE DEAF SURVIVOR'S BLOG.

h/t Michelle Malkin

Template Change

I am thinking of changing the format/look to this blog. Unfortunately, Blogspot's free nature also gives one a fibrous tumor of dependency.

Don't worry, I'm not going to make this thing an over-cluttered mess of advertisements. Besides, those elitist snobs over at BlogAds won't even answer my correspondence.

I'd just like to move away from the bald genericism that pummels my senses every time I look at this thing.

I'll take any and all suggestions as to where to start fishing for a template. I know enough about html to tinker, but not enough to generate.

And no, I don't have the expendable funds to pay a cyber-savant to do it.

And when I do change it, I'm probably going to leave Instapundit off my blogroll. I'm sure he won't mind.

-T

Monday, September 12, 2005

Kennedy To Roberts: We Must End World Where Underprivileged Drown, Privileged Drive Away”

Phlegmatic law enforcement response also of concern, says senator

Kennedy(left) made an emotional plea to Roberts (right), reiterating his commitment to eliminating the system that allows some people to drown, while others take flight.

Washington—As John Roberts sat for his first day to face the Senate Judiciary Committee, he found himself regaled with peripheral concerns about Hurricane Katrina.

The most compelling statements came from Senator Edward Kennedy (D), of Massachusetts.

“I am deeply concerned,” Kennedy told Roberts in preliminary statements. “Concerned that while those without a voice were drowning under the nighttime sky, that others were making hasty and unconcerned exits from the area. Those with privilege will never have to answer for their deliberate negligence. Are you ready to consider the court’s role in changing these travesties?”

Roberts remained quiet, but nodded a general approval that those in the throes of major flooding should be rescued.

Kennedy also noted the “significant gap” between the actual events and the real-time arrival of responding agencies.

“It’s almost like somebody was using controlled substances on the job,” he said. “The working time deficit figures we keep running into is nine hours. Nine hours for responsible entities to report, and thus nine hours for the good people of the responding agencies to pull these people from their watery crypts. I for one am disgusted. This would never happen under Senator Kennedy’s watch.”

Roberts gave no responding statement, but dig signal strong concurrence with Kennedy’s assertions that “all responsible parties must answer to the American people.”

“And especially the families of these people,” said Kennedy. “If I have anything to say about it, George W. Bush will have to explain every single drowning in the living rooms of all respective kin. And you can count on old Kennedy to drive this one through the rainy night of political opposition.”

Robinson: Brief Electrical Outage In Los Angeles Underscores The Thin Line Between Civility, Stoplight Cannibalism

Los Angeles—Civil rights activist, Randall Robinson, said that today’s brief-but–widespread power outage in Los Angeles placed resident “moments away” from crossing the culinary Rubicon—the one that suspends reason, and causes one human being to feast upon another.

“You look at your neighbor at the blinking red four-way, and you think you would never invade their space,” he says, “But if pushed to the limits of a lunch hour, truncated by backed-up traffic, missed deadlines, and non-registering time clocks, you will close you eyes and duck in.”

Robinson said that African Americans were forced to eat each other in New Orleans, in a reactionary response to a slow, race-based response to the predominantly black victim base stranded at the Superdome.

UPDATE: Robinson has since regurgitated his claims that some had availed themselves to New Orleans Trail Mix.

Nagin Accusing Republicans Of Obstructing Deceased Access To Body Count

Chicago mayor to deploy most of voting constituency to compensate for mortal deficit

Nagin: Demands that all projected dead are counted.

New Orleans—Embattled new Orleans mayor, Ray Nagin, is accusing Republican operatives of suppressing the numbers of dead to embarrass him in light of what now appears to be grossly-inflated projections with regards to the city’s, post-Katrina mortality rate..

“I have no doubts they are hiding those bloated bodies somewhere,” said Nagin. “To obstruct the dead from being counted in an unconscionable crime. This must be stopped, and it must be stopped now.”

The reverend Jesse Jackson, already in the area to decry what is being termed “contractual favoritism,” said he already has feet on the ground to investigate any and all reports of Decedent suppression.

“The dead have been calling in on cell phones all night—all of them claiming to be a part of the 10,000 strong,” he said. “If we find out these dead people’s claims have merit, there’s going to be a payday someday—at the ballot box.”

Chicago mayor, Richard Daley, said he has already issued a municipal order to deploy “as many dead voters as needed,” to bring mayor Nagin’s strong projections into positive territory.

“We’re exhuming them now, even as I speak, “ he said. “And they’re going straight into the maelstrom of Republican thimble-rigging.”

"I wish Sean Penn could get his little hands on the people responsible for this" said Nagin. "Because I'm angry enough to start bilging this city with a red kegger cup all by myself."

I'm Not A Muslim Terrorist, I'm A Terrorist Who Happens To Be Muslim

By Adam Gadahn
Guest Columnist

You judge me and you don't even know me. I'm not going to sit around and cry about it, because I've got a backlog of suitcase nuke orders to fill, and I don't have time to play defense with the stereotypical millstone about my neck. But I will try to explain this once for you, infidels.

I do not in anyway want to be defined by my religion. Yes it guides me, gives me strength, and makes me wear these stupid, cowardly, visage-obfuscating, circa-1920 photographer shrouds over my head. It defines my morays, my values, and has taught me that if you "blow up a child in the way he should go, that he will not get older to depart from it." That revelation alone makes me cry like a gangsta rapper in one of those half-speed, maudlin contemplative videos where he tries to convince women he's not "all about" the stuff the rest of his songs say he's all about.

But I am a terrorist first. I in no way want to impose my religion on anyone. I just want to kill you. I want to kill your family too, with an agonizing death involving knives and hot fireplace pokers. I also want to torture your neighbor's family. But no matter what I do to your family and friends, do not worry—I will not try to proselytize. Not from this humble Mullah.

Other people want to go around with those poisoned gefelte fish bumper stickers on their car bombs, but not me. I'm not into wearing my religion on my sleeve. Besides I can't get my Sempex vest on over it when it is on my sleeve. It actually fits much better when it's stuffed down the trachea of a civilian contractor in Baghdad. You know you can't breathe when an entire religion is stuffed down your windpipe? It's really fascinating when it isn't happening to you.

Anyway, I may be Islamic, but remember: Islam only enhances the terrorist within me, but it did not make me. Islam is the "wheel within a wheel" I am the big wheel, and Islam is the little wheel. And those wheels are attached to a Hyundai with a cell-phone detonator.

I live by a simple, daily creed:

turn my butt towards Jerusalem when I pray
pray five times a day
fight the urge to wear women's clothing with repeated and reaffirming sexual conquests
throw acid on wife's face for letting wind blow off burka
acquire weapons-grade plutonium

It should be apparent that once you peer past the unfortunate shroud of stereotypical myopia, that I am just like you with lots of other issues you don't have. Plus I live in Riverside, California. But please, please remember. Yes, I am a Muslim, but I am a terrorist first. A Man burdened with the cumbersome backpack of making peace, with only the help of the United Nations.

Thank you for your time, infidels
.

تمامًا شاذّ

Sunday, September 11, 2005

9/11—And A Bit Of Clarification

I normally do not pull comments out of a post and lay them out here. But having been linked by Crooks And Liars yesterday, brought both a large flurry of emails, and a smaller flurry of comments from liberals. A couple of them wished I was dead, one temporarily anonymous critic tried to make the case that I can’t criticize a subersive attempt to simultaneously flip off my country while giving deference to the Five Pillars because the architect went to school for architecture for a long, long time.

Then, you get good folks like Aaron, who not only provide contact information, but try to at least make a peaceful case for their point. These are the people I appreciate almost as much as the fans of this site. I doubt Aaron is a fan, but he seems to be a good guy, with a peaceful way of making his liberal points on his own blog as well. I am now reprinting the latter half of a comment to this blog, as it just fits with the template of this fourth anniversary of the attacks of 9/11 with my response. The post is in response to my “Flight 93 memorial/New Orleans” post:

. . .as to this memorial being created in the shape of a red Crescent, it's become more and more acceptable lately to condemn the religion of Islam for the recent terrorist attacks by Islamic extremists. It's vitally important to distinguish between the religion of Islam and a small minority of religious fundamentalist zealots who act in the name of that religion.

Far too many people in America are failing to make this all-important distinction. To condemn an entire religion for the actions of a few is the worst kind of reactionary rhetorical propaganda, it's the kind of hate filled indoctrinational propaganda which leads to genocide. It should be rejected by all who embrace fairness and justice.

Thanks for your comments Aaron.

So you are saying changing the symbol to a Cross is ok, right?

I agree with you that the broad pigeonholing of any religion is bad, presuming that religion truly isn't based on slitting the throats of civilians in orange jumpsuits.

But, let's just say that Muslims didn't hijack flight 93. Let's just say that they didn't hijack three other planes that killed 3,000 people. Let's just assume that the Bombing of the USS Cole was performed by Norwegians.

Let's also go ahead and hypothetically play with Boy Scouts dragging a soldier’s body through Somalia, or that the Mormon Tabernacle Choir routinely bombs Jewish diners, or that even a rogue cadre of Buddhists throwing dead Israeli athletes out of windows at the 1972 Munich Olympics.

While I'm at this, let's just go ahead, for academic purpose, say that non-Muslims bombed the basement of the World Trade Center in 1993, murdered over 300 children in Beslan, and took out Pan Am Flight 103 over Lockerbie.

And finally, we will also go ahead and assume that that man who shot and killed Robert Kennedy was also not beholden to the Koran.

So, this small list of crimes against humanity (although, there are many on the left who exclude Jews, Americans, and Christians from the term): for this exercise--NOT committed by Muslims.

I still don’t want anything that comes close to codifying the Muslim faith to represent a memorial to people killed by Muslims who had a fervent prayer meeting right before they started slitting the throats of infidels.

My logic? There are places that such a symbol would be appropriate in this country, just as I happen to believe the Cross is entirely appropriate on the Los Angeles municipal seal. The missions are an intrinsic part of history there. Islam’s only relationship with flight 93 is one of death—regardless if it was the ugly stupid cousins of “true Islam” committed it.

I do not—however think a surreptitious cross would be appropriate at a memorial for African Americans killed by the Klu Klux Klan—people who also bastardized scripture to lessen the value of others, and justified killing them, their families, and driving them to the edge of the human condition. Any crosses on a site like that would be approved by family members, who would most likely make sure that all crosses would represent the faith that carried many of these good people through the worst of times--and not the ones seen burning in their yards.

I will argue that the only religion that has a true mechanism of media, movies, and art that has free license to mock it is Christianity. Every time a writer, director or artist decides to start peeling off against Jesus, they are proclaimed to be “brave,” “courageous,” “laying it all out there,” etc. This is just preposterous. There is no bravery where institutional hatred for your subect permeates the avenues with which you travel to deliver it.

If art wants to be “courageous” try making a movies about Salmon Rushdie.

You and I both know this will never happen. And you and I both know why. And the very fact that I don't even have to elaborate says more than this post ever could.

Lastly. To this argument, I can hear the blood of Theo Van Gogh, wondering where all the Arts and Humanities voices are, outraged that Muslims silenced his Islam-critical, pro-woman film by slitting his throat in a busy street.

I know where they were. Too busy protesting Mel Gibson.

A thanks to Aaron for his comments. They were truly, and respectfully appreciated, despite the fact that I diasgree with him--The Therapist

UPDATE: It seems Islamic Missionaries are promising their amazing peace to Los Angeles. They even sound exactly like peace-loving Al Franken in the last big paragraph. It also seems like Cindy Sheehan may be ghost writing:

"Don't believe the lies of the liars at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue and 10 Downing Street," Gadahn insists. "They have dispatched your sons and daughters to die lonely deaths in the burning deserts of Iraq and the unforgiving mountains of Afghanistan."

I guess we better start frisking Jehovah's Witnesses.

Saturday, September 10, 2005

Flight 93 Memorial Centered On Mecca?

Sarah, over at Blue Merle, has stumbled upon this little tidbit of--shall we say-- whimsical curiosity. Go and look at her overlay, which illustrates her contention. There is a demonstration as to how she arrived at this.

It seems that on top of making the Shankville, Penn. memorial to flight 93 a symbol to hail Islam, that the entire memorial is perfectly centered to face Mecca.

If this turns out to be true, Mr. Murdoch needs to be shown the business end of a boot. I'm sure he's still got plenty of marxist friends that'll let him build his little shrines in their back yards.

Via Ace

Flight 93 Memorial Designer To Lend Creative Talents To New Orleans

Proposal to be called the “Ligature Of Lamentations”

Though far less realized, Murdoch's post-Katrina memorial could be up and running by the time the water is bilged out of the city, presumably by early October. Controversy still surrounds the Flight 93 memorial, which celebrates the lives of the 44 people killed by Islamic terrorists

New York—The man in the middle of the controversial, Flight 93 memorial is extending his prolific creative talents southward.

Paul Murdoch, architect of the disputed “Crescent of Embrace” has also made a galley proposal to New Orleans officials, called the “Ligature of Lamentations.”

Critics say the memorial’s architectural basis gives on the feel of a noose—the type of strangulation device use to lynch African Americans less than 100 years ago.

“If one wants to parse long enough, I suppose I could see anything in that diagram, “says Murdoch. “But again, those that want to impute negative significance to this will do it no matter what I say about it.”

Murdoch says the memorial’s elliptically-shaped and segregated wading pool symbolizes the “endless circles” FEMA authorities were seen running in during the first hours of the crisis.

“To see anything other than that is just preposterous. Nest thing you know, they’re going to say the wading pool is insensitive by itself.”

Murdoch’s Shankville, Pennsylvania memorial design is still in dispute, as some say they can see a similarity between Islam’s red crescent, and the red crescent shape of the memorial, which uses the name “Crescent” in its title.

“If they get away with censoring this,” he says, “Then they’ll be able to stop me from marketing my acrylic, Anne Frank Attic Storage units. And that’s a day I don’t want to see.”

NOTE: A belated welcome to any and all new readers from Crooks And Liars. They are by far the best of the lefty sites out there. Maybe Air America could take a lesson in outreach from them. - T

Officials Struggle With Wedging Giant Wax Ring Under Superdome

Preponderance of human waste inside stadium could bring New Orleans up to sea level, say experts

Engineering tacticians from around the world are wrestling with issues of "utilitarian conversion," in which the New orleans Superdome will become the nation's largest waste disbersement vortex.

New Orleans--As the residual damage to the Superdome is assessed, engineering officials are considering "extraordinary measures" in which a suitable septic system can be connected through the city's subterranean sewer system.

The biggest problem? How to install the required wax-ring without smashing it under the sheer weight of the stadium.

"We've already secured the giant float valve and chain handle," said one official. "We've also figured out how to reverse engineer the septic plumbing right up to the bolted floor flange on the 50-yard line. The problem is really preventing leakage, flushing force and the dangers involved in recurring, metropolitan vortexes."

Sources say it could be "many months" before a community toilet of such scope will be finished. In other concerns, disaster-steeped planners are looking at tentative plans to ship the "literal tons" of human waste, discarded Nike boxes, and department-store clothes hangers to fortify the levees, as well as attempt to raise the city to what is approximated to be sea level.

"We've yet to get accurate measurements," said one source. "A pile of dung this high takes more than a micrometer and a T-square to disseminate."

Friday, September 09, 2005

Apparently Quotation Marks Are A Gratuity

My very good friend, and reader, Rob S. sends me the the following picture:

Ahh, the subtleties of omitted punctuation. I'ts almost as good as the hidden sexual frames placed in various animated Disney flicks in the last 20 years.

Site Meter Loots Me For A Good 150 Hits

I have no idea what in the world was happening over there, but while I watched my ticker leap ahead about three hundred counts, Site Meter was telling me nobody was visiting--even after Steve at Hog On Ice had linked me. I knew that was a lie.

Being that, without the few friends this blog has, I'd have virtually no traffic after a year of this, I happen to take the loss of any recordable traffic very personal.

I'm having a hard enough time with this fruitless foray into creative sheol, without having my pockets picked by accident, or design.

Thursday, September 08, 2005

Satan To Distance Self From Congressional Democrats In Rare Prime Time Speech

Existential engineer of the Holocaust and Inquisitions says leadership "making him look bad" in Post-Katrina power grab

Satan

Washington--The very being that invented demagoguery is speaking out. And it's not in support of the DNC.

"I want to be clear," says Satan, Prince of the Power of the Air. "I mean I like bad things. But there comes a point when one has to say 'I'm want no part in this,' and come out from among them. They're going to take perfectly tangible evil and blow it up and I'm not going to stand and play my proverbial fiddle while Rome . . . um, falls apart."

Satan specifically cites the immediate and turbulent race baiting in the wake of hurricane Katrina.

"My approach would have been to just perpetuate the hopeless nature of it all," he says. "More images of desolation, more subtle implications of 'is this what your loving God wants?' Etc. etc. But no, between Randall Robinson, Harry Reid, Jesse Jackson, and my apprentice, Hillary, they've practically driven the people into the church house to pray that none of these people come to power."

Satan says that while earlier endeavors like the Holocaust (left) were horrible, nothing could prepare him for the nightmarish, reputation-shattering associations with Congressional Democrats, such as House Minority Leader, Nanci Pelosi (right), who continues to make broad, irresponsible statements about President Bush.

Satan is slated to address Congressional Democrats sometime next week, and is expected to address the body in a three fold fashion:

Demagoguery With Restraint,
Why It's Good When The Unborn Get Salinated
Why Howard Dean Makes Me Look Like My Pre-Isaiah 14 Self.

Sources say Satan has drawn a "yawning chasm" between the subtleties and gradual societal accelerants that led to the eventual Jewish Holocaust, as well as the Inquisition, noting that he did "not have Hitler run right out there with a pair of pliers and a pile of Semitic dental records."

"This Dean character knows nothing about subtlety," says Satan. "If that's all I'd have had to work with in the 1940's my holocaust would have ended with the Goldberg’s beating him to death with that overloaded doctor bag of his."

Satan also noted that Sen. Clinton "appears a bit too eager" to launch the investigative process.

"Hil's got a bit of an edge," he says. "I keep telling her to not talk. That voice makes me think I'm in hell. Go figure."

The Therapist