Saturday, September 10, 2005

Officials Struggle With Wedging Giant Wax Ring Under Superdome

Preponderance of human waste inside stadium could bring New Orleans up to sea level, say experts

Engineering tacticians from around the world are wrestling with issues of "utilitarian conversion," in which the New orleans Superdome will become the nation's largest waste disbersement vortex.

New Orleans--As the residual damage to the Superdome is assessed, engineering officials are considering "extraordinary measures" in which a suitable septic system can be connected through the city's subterranean sewer system.

The biggest problem? How to install the required wax-ring without smashing it under the sheer weight of the stadium.

"We've already secured the giant float valve and chain handle," said one official. "We've also figured out how to reverse engineer the septic plumbing right up to the bolted floor flange on the 50-yard line. The problem is really preventing leakage, flushing force and the dangers involved in recurring, metropolitan vortexes."

Sources say it could be "many months" before a community toilet of such scope will be finished. In other concerns, disaster-steeped planners are looking at tentative plans to ship the "literal tons" of human waste, discarded Nike boxes, and department-store clothes hangers to fortify the levees, as well as attempt to raise the city to what is approximated to be sea level.

"We've yet to get accurate measurements," said one source. "A pile of dung this high takes more than a micrometer and a T-square to disseminate."

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