Sunday, September 25, 2005

Why Mr. Bush Will Lose Reelection In '08

By John Kerry,
Guest Columnist

President Bush's trademark swagger and half-hearted smirk is going to cost him dearly. I may have been wrong on a few things, like recounting exactly how many inches over the Cambodian border I was sent by Nixon and LBJ. But, barring those things, I feel I have the prognosticatory strengths of the next guy.

I am venturing that the man who lays his hand across the Bible on January 20th, 2009 will not be the dread George Walker Bush. Gutsy? Yes. A protracted shot across the bow of all who play gerrymandering Jimmy The Greeks? Yes sir. But the brave flank is one I have assumed ever since I had personally raped, cut off ears, cut off heads, taped wires from portable telephones to human genitals and turned up the power, cut off limbs, blown up bodies, randomly shot at civilians, razed villages in fashion reminiscent of Genghis Khan, shot cattle and dogs for fun, poisoned food stocks, and generally ravaged the countryside of South Vietnam.

Being the pioneer who takes the arrows is the kind of precarium I prefer. I was just telling Theresa as she was taking her Oxycontin, "thank you for my allowance this week, I was born to lead."

You know what she told me? She confirmed my political pedigree with the most self-effacing remark I've ever heard from her: "I am no one! I am NO ONE!" I would have kissed her, but the leather institutional restraints and the frantic clergy were in my way.

But why am I so confident? Hurricane Katrina. Mr. Bush, when presented with the opportunity to stand up and say "I don't like it when black people drown," ran away. He ran away from the opportunity to counter the preponderance of hearsay that says "those 11% of African American votes I recieved in the last election don't matter to me."

This is why we need either myself, or even Hillary Rodham Clinton. You remember the Clinton years, don't you? Now that's a man who understood the human condition, particularly that of the impoverished. The 1994 Crime Bill was the true apex of compassion, when Mr. Clinton signed a bill that said the way to reduce inner-city violence was to give basketballs to black people.

The very fact that it did not occur to Bush to air drop basketballs, Crown air freshener, and enough Mickey's Big Mouths to properly stem the confusion shows his callous attitudes toward those of lesser provisions.

Food? Water? Order? He'll be laughed right off the political map for that grand scheme. Mark my words.


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