Monday, September 19, 2005

The Annotated North Korea

My capacity as The Therapist sometimes requires me to actually be one. Today, I harness my skills as an interpreter with those of circumspect media observer.

This story say North Korea’s a nice country now. I beg to differ. In so doing, I offer, The Annotated North Korea:

BEIJING (AP) - North Korea agreed Monday to stop building nuclear weapons and allow international inspections in exchange for energy aid, economic cooperation and security assurances, a breakthrough that marked a first step toward disarmament after two years of six-nation talks.

North Korea used a pen, along with ambiguous semantics to convince the United States to be the supporting hand in their lifeless, totalitarian puppet, to include possible military protection of the puppet.

The chief U.S. envoy to the talks praised the development as a "win-win situation" and "good agreement for all of us." But he promptly urged Pyongyang to make good on its promises by ending operations at its main nuclear facility at Yongbyon.

The chief US Envoy said that North Korea’s ability to say they would stop their nuclear program was “most swell,” and thought maybe actually doing what they said would prove their willingness to “go the extra mile.”

"What is the purpose of operating it at this point?" said U.S. Assistant Secretary of State Christopher Hill. "The time to turn it off would be about now."
“Since you have abandoned your desire to incinerate the entire North American Continent, why don’t you just go ahead an throw all those years of scientific espionage into the scrap heap,” said US Assistant Secretary of State, Christopher Hill. “Here, here’s a scrap heap right here.”

Despite the deal's potential to help significantly ease friction between the North and the United States after years of false starts and setbacks, Hill remained cautious.

Hill was concerned that North Korea will accept oil and food, but possibly “forget” to disarm.

"We have to see what comes in the days and weeks ahead," he said.

“The oil and food is on the way,” said Hill.

The agreement clinched seven days of talks aimed at setting out general principles for the North's disarmament. Envoys agreed to return in early November to begin hashing out details of how that will be done.

The vagaries of “you quit making bombs, and we’ll feed you” bespeaks a complicated doctrine, requiring millions of American taxpayer-funded dollars to send diplomats to EuroDisney.

Then, the hard work of ensuring compliance will begin, officials attending the
talks said.

Making North Korea live up to the deal is predicated on a cold day in hell, said officials.

"Agreeing to a common document does not mean that the solution to our problems has been found," said Japan's chief envoy, Kenichiro Sasae

“North Korea will most likely deploy an ICBM at the United States,” said Kenichiro Sasae.

Another Japanese official, who spoke on condition he not be named in order to discuss the issue more freely, noted that there was no common understanding among the participants about the nature of North Korea's nuclear program.

Another Japanese official that knows what’s going on said nobody else knows what’s going on. He declined to give his name in case somebody else figures out he knows what’s going on.

The head of the U.N. nuclear nonproliferation agency welcomed North Korea's decision to allow inspections, saying he hoped his experts could take the country at its word as soon as possible.

The head of the U.N. nuclear nonproliferation agency said he would like to begin inspections just as soon as suitable concealments for the current nuclear program have been arranged by North Korean officials.

"The earlier we go back, the better," said Mohamed ElBaradei, head of the International Atomic Energy Agency.

“We need to know the totality of what we will be denying the existence of,” said Mohamed ElBaradei, head of the International Atomic Energy Agency.

According to a joint statement issued at the talks' conclusion, the North "committed to abandoning all nuclear weapons and existing nuclear programs and returning at an early date" to the Nuclear Nonproliferation Treaty and International Atomic Energy Agency safeguards.

According to a joint statement issued at the talks' conclusion, the North said they would “go back and not abide by” earlier standards set forth by the Nuclear Nonproliferation Treaty and International Atomic Energy Agency safeguards while keeping the stockpile of weapons manufactured under the laeter, not-abided-by standards.

"The six parties unanimously reaffirmed that the goal of the six-party talks is the verifiable denuclearization of the Korean Peninsula in a peaceful manner," the statement said.

“We really, really like mission statements like the ones chronicled in The Dilbert Principle,” the statement said.

Responding to Pyongyang's claims that it needs atomic weapons for defense, North Korea and the United States pledged to respect each other's sovereignty and right to peaceful coexistence, and also to take steps to normalize relations.

North Korea promised to not monitor the free oil and food sent to them, and the United States promised not to monitor the continuing North Korean nuclear program.

"The United States affirmed that it has no nuclear weapons on the Korean Peninsula and has no intention to attack or invade (North Korea) with nuclear or conventional weapons," according to the statement, in assurances echoed by South Korea.

“The only military malfeasance allowed is missiles pointed at the United States by North Korea.” Said a statement.

The talks, which began in August 2003, include China, Japan, Russia, the United
States and the two Koreas.

The United States is like Jodie Foster in “The Accused.”

The negotiations had been deadlocked over North Korea's demand to keep the right to civilian nuclear programs after it disarms, and the statement acknowledges the North has made such an assertion but doesn't go beyond that.
The negotiations had been deadlocked because North Korea’s only sentient private sector works for the government anyway. And, coincidentally, they make nuclear bombs.

North Korea had also demanded that it be given a light-water nuclear reactor at the latest talks - a type less easily diverted for weapons use - but Washington had said it and other countries at the talks wouldn't meet that request.
We prefer not to sell gun-shaped lighters to convicted felons.

Putting aside the question for now, the statement said: "The other parties expressed their respect and agreed to discuss at an appropriate time the subject of the provision of light-water reactor" to North Korea.

Putting aside the question for now, the statement said: “We’ll give you nukes after you prove you’re not making them yourself.”
The North will have to build trust by fulfilling all its pledges before that issue would be discussed, said Sasae, who is director of the Asia and Oceania Bureau at Japan's Foreign Ministry.

Trust is defined by not nuking anybody in your gulags, said Sasae, who is director of the Asia and Oceania Bureau at Japan's Foreign Ministry.

North Korea has also refused to totally disarm without getting concessions along the way, while Washington has said it wants to see the weapons programs totally dismantled before granting rewards. The statement, however, says the sides agreed to take steps to implement the agreement "in a phased manner in line with the principle of 'commitment for commitment, action for action.'"

North Korea prefers to have the United States “Toatlly feed” and “totally support” North Korea, while North Korea “totally tries” to “totally disarm.”

The other countries at the talks said they were willing give energy assistance to the North, including a South Korean plan to deliver electricity across the heavily armed border dividing the peninsula.

The other countries at the talks said they “weren’t worried” about all those nuclear reactors in North Korea not being used to provide electricity for themselves.
"This is the most important result since the six-party talks started more than
two years ago," said Chinese Vice Foreign Minister Wu Dawei, Beijing's envoy.

“I got to bring my family on this junket,” ," said Chinese Vice Foreign Minister Wu Dawei, Beijing's envoy.
North Korea was promised two light-water reactors under a 1994 deal with Washington to abandon its nuclear weapons. That agreement fell apart in late
2002 with the outbreak of the latest nuclear crisis, when U.S. officials said North Korea admitted having a secret uranium enrichment program.

Clinton’s Carter-esque diplomacy may have been run by FEMA.
The North is believed to have enough radioactive material for about a half-dozen
bombs from its publicly acknowledged plutonium program, but hasn't performed
any known nuclear tests to prove its capability. In February, the North claimed it had nuclear weapons.

Saddam didn’t have any WMD’s when he deployed them against the Kurds.

Japan and North Korea also said in the statement they would move to normalize relations regarding "the outstanding issues of concern." The reference appears to allude to Tokyo's concerns over its citizens that the North has admitted abducting.

North Korea may have to give back dead and kidnapped, “outstanding humans of concern” before Japan will look them in the eyes.

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