Monday, September 12, 2005

I'm Not A Muslim Terrorist, I'm A Terrorist Who Happens To Be Muslim

By Adam Gadahn
Guest Columnist

You judge me and you don't even know me. I'm not going to sit around and cry about it, because I've got a backlog of suitcase nuke orders to fill, and I don't have time to play defense with the stereotypical millstone about my neck. But I will try to explain this once for you, infidels.

I do not in anyway want to be defined by my religion. Yes it guides me, gives me strength, and makes me wear these stupid, cowardly, visage-obfuscating, circa-1920 photographer shrouds over my head. It defines my morays, my values, and has taught me that if you "blow up a child in the way he should go, that he will not get older to depart from it." That revelation alone makes me cry like a gangsta rapper in one of those half-speed, maudlin contemplative videos where he tries to convince women he's not "all about" the stuff the rest of his songs say he's all about.

But I am a terrorist first. I in no way want to impose my religion on anyone. I just want to kill you. I want to kill your family too, with an agonizing death involving knives and hot fireplace pokers. I also want to torture your neighbor's family. But no matter what I do to your family and friends, do not worry—I will not try to proselytize. Not from this humble Mullah.

Other people want to go around with those poisoned gefelte fish bumper stickers on their car bombs, but not me. I'm not into wearing my religion on my sleeve. Besides I can't get my Sempex vest on over it when it is on my sleeve. It actually fits much better when it's stuffed down the trachea of a civilian contractor in Baghdad. You know you can't breathe when an entire religion is stuffed down your windpipe? It's really fascinating when it isn't happening to you.

Anyway, I may be Islamic, but remember: Islam only enhances the terrorist within me, but it did not make me. Islam is the "wheel within a wheel" I am the big wheel, and Islam is the little wheel. And those wheels are attached to a Hyundai with a cell-phone detonator.

I live by a simple, daily creed:
  • turn my butt towards Jerusalem when I pray
  • pray five times a day
  • fight the urge to wear women's clothing with repeated and reaffirming sexual conquests
  • throw acid on wife's face for letting wind blow off burka
  • acquire weapons-grade plutonium

It should be apparent that once you peer past the unfortunate shroud of stereotypical myopia, that I am just like you with lots of other issues you don't have. Plus I live in Riverside, California. But please, please remember. Yes, I am a Muslim, but I am a terrorist first. A Man burdened with the cumbersome backpack of making peace, with only the help of the United Nations.

Thank you for your time, infidels

تمامًا شاذّ

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