Friday, July 08, 2005

You Don't Know Profiling Until You've Killed A Family Of Six

By Donny, Your Neighbor's Pit Bull,
Guest Columnist

All I'm gonna say is this. You whiny, European Arabs better just cut the drama, people. It's quiet time for you.

All this concern that you're all going to be profiled, and singled out because a few repressed homosexuals in your broad religious category can't keep their smelly mitts off the exploding cummerbunds. Well you don't know profiling until you've been one of Me, mister.

See, I just finished eating a diabetic octogenarian with a MedicAlert bracelet. Quite frankly, the attack was totally unprovoked. But I've got a good case against my owner, and the ability to look like I've been daily threatened with a cutting torch. He's going down if there's any trouble.

I get a bit tired of our dispositional habits becoming the fodder of intolerance. Sure, we're the shell-shocked tunnel-rats of the dog world; we pretend to great, diplomatic, genteel grace, until a car backfires. Then we plow into the nearest preschool and start stripping children of their vital tissues. But that's no reason to put the other 2% of Pit Bulls into the same category with the marauding hell hounds that are the rest of us.

I hate profiling! I became so enraged at profiling one time that I actually tore the trachea out of one of my own advocates. It was too late, by the time I saw the picket sign that read "It's not a bad breed of dog--it's a bad breed of owner." I thought to myself, Whoops, should have gotten a cat.

So yeah, I do share a certain martyr-like aura with you Muslim extremists: We both have no shortage of defenders, and every time a cop shoots us, they are ready to mobilize and burn stuff if our good names become sullied in the wake of our own crimson trail.

Did you know that a healthy bowl of Salmon will calm your neighbor's Pit Bull down significantly? We love salmon! Remember that next time you have you have a Chinook surplus.

My favorite part is when people say that Labrador Retrievers have the same, unrealized genetic predispositions that we do. And I always think to myself, yeah, when's the last time you heard of them employing the Jaws of Life to free the babysitter's head fom Old Yeller's mouth? Then I chuckle.

So you Arabs in Europe just better shut it down right now, because you don't know profiling until most of your kind have killed somebody.

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