Monday, September 26, 2005

TRUTH ALERT: Global Warming Makes Me Want To Shake James Brolin Like A Rag Doll

By Donny, Your Neighbor's Pit Bull,
Guest Columnist

If you see me dragging Barry Gibb's rib cage around the yard, don't blame me. Blame the Atlantic Ocean's ever-increasing temperature. It's having a drastic effect on my unprovoked attack ratios.

The science is there people, and I am the bloodthirsty, marauding conduit for change. Barabara Streisand is a lone voice crying out in the wilderness. She's even issued a truth alert--all trying to tell us she notices that more hurricanes happened this year and that it bothers her. Pretty good science if you ask me. All I'm saying is: give me a reason to disembowel the mailman, and I'm taking it.

Sure, sure, I feel the earth getting warmer under my little foot pads. And yes it bothers me. That's why I prefer to charge at people and use their bodies for a insulatory mat while I muffle their screams with my detached jowls. They know it bothers me.

But you ask me, "how can you be so opportunistic with global warming rationale, when the same oceanic temperatures and hurricane augmentations happened in the 1940's?" Shut your mouth, man. You don't know what you’re playing with when you start pointing things out like that. You'd be better off inventing a water-fueled car next door to an oil magnate then start putting your hand in my food dish with your little facts. Just turn the other way, and I'll promise not to plow into your kid’s classroom on one of my "rabies runs" in the spring.

You people better buck up and listen to Barbara Streisand. I know I am. I'm like a looter, but I kill people instead of rifling through their stuff. If I'm going to be hauling around a Reebok, I want a a foot to be in it. Can I get a witness?

All right, I'll admit the truth. My wife-beater owner trained me to attack at the sound of Babs' voice. The problem is, is that I want to pull the arms off James Brolin and make him do that "black knight" thing from Monty Python's Holy Grail movie. He's got great hair, but in my business we prefer to call it a "handle."

Every time I hear "Enough is Enough," I'm ready to take out the BeeGees, and not just Barry. That beard of his will be like the pull-tab on a Wrigley's package when I get ahold of him, though. Lol.

I also understand that Kris Kristofferson's had the presence of mind to lay low right now, while my human dog whistle gets all that publicity by Diane Sawyer. I always knew he was smarter than he came across.

But you global warming people keep it up. I'm tanned, rested, and ready to flash.

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