Thursday, September 15, 2005

Mr. Doofus Has A Chat With Atheist Michael Newdow

Many of you are aware that atheist Michael Newdow has secured what is, at least a temporary victory, when a federal judge again ruled the Pledge of Allegiance unconstitutional. My third-grade picture, Mr. Doofus, sat down to have a talk with Mr. Newdow, still glowing from . . . well whatever an atheist attributes glowing to.

Why for did you do that thing down at the courthouse?

Because I am responsible for the unbelief that I am charged with instilling in my children, that’s why. If they’re going to successfully enter the workplace with little or no spiritual foundation to lean on during times of crisis, I’m going to have to continue taking an active role in their lives, even if I have to use the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals to make that woman’s life a living Hell.

Why for you say “Hell?”

Figurative, Mr. Doofus. Even I can’t escape the giant colloquial church I’ve been trapped in all my life. There is no Hell. Only in our language.

What for you need to make people say the thing no more at the schools?

That’s because I am threatened—threatened by the rhetorical acknowledgement of something I don’t believe has any power.

Who for makes you want to do the things at the court and stuff?

If you’re thinking I’m a puppet of the Devil, you’re just plain ignorant too, Mr. Doofus. This is an internal drive, completely organic. There is no higher power that gives me pause. I am a carbon-based life form with the courage to stand up to G—I mean the ignorant.

What for does Al Gore say the preachy things to black people?

Because Mr. Gore has very rightly done what most of the modern civil rights movement has done; they taken the effective cadences of the pulpit, substituted all musical references to sin and judgment and replaced them with assents to affirmative action and reparations. You’re never going to hear Mr. Gore acknowledge a calling greater than the environment. And if bringing America’s financial and military solvency down requires a bit of rhetorical impressionism, so be it. You don’t actually think a deference to a god plays any role in their motivations, do you? Why do you think I raise no concerns about Jesse Jackson blurring the lines between church and state?

Because the state is the . . . church?

Right, Mr. Doofus. Now you’re catching on.

Where for do you go to talk to the people you like?

Well, I am a member of the American Atheists. We have weekly meetings, and in fact, I have plenty of comprehensive literature that lays out the cons and cons of what we don’t believe. We are active non-believers in our communities, made up of a surprisingly wide demographic, although our strong suit really is compromised of those in politics and law.

What for do I need to wear if I go to that place?

Come as you are, Mr. Doofus. If you make it this Wednesday, come early, as we have what’s called our nursing home outreach, where we go and try to reach the found for atheism. So far, we’ve logged twelve for agnosticism, eight flat denials, over two hundred commitments to question existence, along with an encouraging number willing to commit to searing their conscience with a hot iron by smashing down that “still small voice.”

What for if I am scared?

Scared? Of what?


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