Gore Seeking Veterinary Help For "Blog-Tourette's"
Internet creator involuntarily scratching self while quoting Michelle Malkin, Instapundit.
Al Gore, his incendiary tirades
against his own cyberspace are impeded
by neither the symptoms, nor the draconian
veterinary treaments undertaken to bring them
Al Gore, former Vice President whose internet has literally revolutionized the entire world, is suffering at the hands of his own brain-child.
Aides close to Mr. Gore confirm that he "now regrets inventing the very implement that would help derail the entire democratic party." Mr. Gore is said to manifest "severe" symptoms of what has been hastily deemed "Blog-Tourette's"--most notably the same kind of involuntary scratching against furniture corners commencorate with mange, and has thus been seeking help from veterinary professionals ever since.
"We can treat the symptoms," said Dr. Stephen Dermis. "But it is just that--the archetypical protective lampshade and a pile of Benadryl."
The vets are concerned about Mr. Gore's tendency to repeatedly quote high-visibility blogs like Michelle Malkin, Instapundit, and Beautiful Atrocities. "This is a problem outside the perview of medical amelioration," Dermis said. "Mr. Gore will never have a full remission of the problem, until the blogosphere is "tempered with the white-hot coals of fairness."
Mr. Gore has not suspended his touring schedule, despite the prohibitive nature of the protective shield he is medically bound to wear.
"He's a real trooper," said Dermis. "And I believe he will continue to plod along passionately, until this electronic Frankenstein of his is laid to rest. Even if he has to wear socks on his hands for the rest of his life."
Carter Claims Iraqis With Prosthetic Hands May Have Voted Twice
Former president Jimmy Carter, well respected for his calm, unwavering election oversight skills, is claiming that Iraqis who had their hands lopped off under Saddam Hussein may be using their newly-acquired prosthetics to flout the system.
Speaking from America, Carter expressed some "arms length observations" for The Therapist
"The process was deemed to be relatively secure," he said. "After they cast their votes, their right index fingers are stained with an indelible, purple dye, precluding any chance for a second vote."
Are Republicans trying to influence the
outcome of an election by driving amputees to the polls?
Carter now says that some Iraqis have "put forth a faux finger, and availed themselves to a second vote." It is thought that the prosthetic hands are pocketed while the voters enters the queue again. "There is no reason not
to believe that the RNC was aware of this, and looked the other way. This stuffing the ballot box by default, at best."
Carter also indicates that Republican-sponsored shuttles may be bussing in amputees from the rural areas, and says that if true, the reports should "completely vacate" the election results.
Poll watchers, as well as media outlets are concerned that the amputee class holds a disproportionate, anti-Saddam bias; second only to those who've had their tongues sliced out, along with a very outspoken contingent of "socket dissidents," who've been seen wearing eye patches to the ballot boxes. "These people have a serious axe to grind. And this
is not time for shallow, "he said she said" acrimony," he said.
Carter is also concerned that residual Baath Party ideals will not be fairly represented. He also pointed to a depressingly-low turnout in suicide bombers. "Even they're not taking this as seriously as we'd hoped," he said.
Carter is expected to leave Wednesday for a "fact finding" mission, where he is planning to give away the Panama Canal to somebody else, lust in his heart, and beat a vicious, marauding rabbit with an oar.
Ralph Nader To Take On Piano Wire Seatbelt Industry
May seek to eradicate pianos entirely
Consumer Advocate and former presidential contender, Ralph Nader, has announced his intent to oppose piano-wire seatbelts.
"You're bought and sold, I'm bought and sold," he said. "And Big Piano has a lot to do with the way we lead our lives."
Nader indicated that he is aware of a "sinister attempt" by Big Piano to market their smaller strings in the secondary form of seatbelts. "This blatant repackaging ploy has gone unnoticed too long." he said. "And I'm calling their bluff."
Ralph Nader: "We cannot expect
the piano wire industry to police itself."
Executives in the piano-wire industry say that this is "hogwash," and that even a single
cleanly-detached torso during a sudden stop would "cause a dramatic fiscal readjustment, dramatically cutting our market share." They claim it is therefore "not cost efficient" to enter such a market because of these wildcards.
Yet, The Therapist
has spoken with anonymous sources that show a supplementary business relationship between Big Piano and the Helicopter Ejection Seat Industry, although no one is willing to comment on what is referred to as a "symbiotic business relationship."
Nader says he is aware of these allegations as well, but that he needs to focus on bringing down Big Piano, what he refers to as the "corporate Goliath of the seatbelt industry."
"We cannot allow ourselves to become fatigued, or distracted by the periphery." He said.
Hell Enlarging Self To accommodate Blue States, Baby Boomers
Upper-management incubi this morning announced ambitious plans to enlarge Hell to accommodate both the heavily-populous blue states, as well as an expected influx in baby-boomer customer service.
Associate Prince of Darkness, Abbaddon Cronos, said that "blue state census numbers indicate that it only takes a few of them
to demographically match a large portion of America's red real estate." Blue states require far less actual sorting, as they maintain a distinctly purebred form of reprobation. "One catastrophic outpouring on the east coast, and we'll be binding hands and feet and tossing them into outer darkness until we are blue in the face." He said.
Lake of Fire: While red states do provide
some inflow, Hell is bracing for the potential
influx of blue-staters, along with the guaranteed
barrage of baby-boomers
Cronos also said that while imminent widespread destruction of a single blue state is relatively remote, a sudden, unstoppable influx of baby-boomers over the next few years isn't.
"It's going to be bad," he said. "Worse than Christmas time at WalMart. And good, infernal help is so hard to find these days."
Cronos said that the boomer's unrelenting, narcissistic self-importance, and tendency to believe every event in their life is worthy of an epic film trilogy are the the primary factors in their eternal consignment. "They definitely have a Lucifer Complex" he said. When asked if he thought the tide may be stemmed from an unexpected, mass repentance in boomer circles, Cronos smiled knowingly.
"No," he said. "That kind of epiphany would require you to look at your generational disfunctions under a bright light. Anybody who believes Woodstock ended the Vietnam war has no chance in . . . Well, you know."
Air America Gains Listener
The liberal talk radio mothership, Air America, reported today that they had made a net gain of a listener today.
Conservative critics of Al Franken's project had predicted that "by now, he would have lost
Franken: incendiary wit
gains him a listener
Franken had words for his arch-nemesis, Rush Limbaugh, too.
"You're a big fat idiot." he said, to spontaneous applause by a couple other people, noting his raptor-like comedic reflexes when queried about the listener.
"He's a total crack-up" said one of his other listeners. "Only a true comedic genius could make an on-the-spot reference to his own book title, while intelligently deconstructing that Nazi gas-bag, Limbaugh."
Franken recently traversed American military bases in Iraq with the USO Tour, which still reverberates in hysterics with his "break-away burka" joke.
Democrats To Sue Phil Hendrie Over Kerry Loss
Say his imaginary guests created “the illusion of a plurality” in Ohio
Syndicated radio talk show host Phil Hendrie is under a legal assault from the Democratic National Committee, claiming that the imaginary supporters he interviewed nearly every night during the election cycle “created the impression amongst fellow democrats that there were more supporters of Kerry than actually existed.”
is best described as "radio ventriloquism." His guests, while merely figments of his own imagination, are brought to life with a lightning-fast ability to toggle between a phone receiver and the studio microphone. Those familiar with the show listen vicariously, as unwitting callers phone in to argue against a “guest” whose views are generally polarizing and judgmental. Hendrie will generally take the moral high ground against his own repulsive creation.
The DNC contends that these unwitting caller types are the bedrock of their constituency. Chairperson Nancy Pelosi finds this opportunistic handling of the gullible particularly disturbing. Hendrie, a democrat, supported George W. Bush’s reelection because he believed his own party “didn’t get” 9/11’s larger ramifications. His show premises were structured accordingly, with biting satirical representations of people alleged to either be Kerry supporters, or even campaign staffers.
“I was listening one evening, and there was one of Phil’s ‘voices,’” she said. "and there was this guy named Jeff Dowder claiming that Bush’s economic policies had cost him his job, and thus forced him to assume a lifeguard position, all the while lying about his knowledge of CPR.”
As the show progressed, the guest revealed that an eight-year-old boy had drowned on his watch, and that his “job description ended at the water’s edge.”
“People really believed it,” she said, “and it made Kerry supporters sound like a bunch of kooks, hung up on union ideals.”
On another occasion, Doug Danger, who identifies himself repeatedly as “a gay man and a gay journalist,” was claiming that he “has a certain gay intensity that would turn any Bush supporter,” and that his job was to intimidate people into voting for Kerry with his “gay eye.”
“This is why we have to sue,” said Pelosi. “Because Bush’s Ohio victory was clinched in the fog of Hendrie’s existentialist obstructioneering.”
Radio Host, Phil Hendrie--accused
of making democrats think Kerry had
more support than he did--by making up
Pelosi, her grass roots interaction
with people like veteran
Lloyd Bonafaide(not pictured)
are what brought Hendrie's outrages
Other characters included high school football coach Vernon Dozier, who was giving Kerry his vote “because Bin Laden told him to,” and, to add insult to injury, southern California homeowner, Bobbie Dooley, who, in the wake of the election results, said, “Blacks should do the rioting because that’s what they do.”
“We cannot publicly support such a position,” said Pelosi. “This man cost John Kerry the presidency, and while we have no illusions of overturning these dubious election results, we can at least make Mr. Hendrie’s professional life uncomfortable.”
Pelosi says that, while the DNC will be the official plaintiff in the suit, that original complaint has come from ordinary citizens. “Had it not been for the circumspect talents of people like veteran Lloyd Bonafide, restaurateur Ted Bell, bus driver Mavis Leonard and military cadet RC Collins, we’d have never fully understood the level’s of Mr. Hendrie’s deception.”
Future campaign finance legislation will bear the names of these whistle-blowers.
I’ve spoken with each at length on the phone, and I can tell you, these people are the real thing.” Pelosi said.
show is broadcast on WKBN 570 AM inYoungstown, and WCKY 1360 AM in Cincinnati., Ohio. His show is also syndicated in states not involved in the lawsuit.
Kofi Annan Proposes New "Jews For Oil" Program
--United Nations Secretary General, Kofi Annan, stood before the UN General Assembly today, in what some say was a "contemplative moment of serious reflection."
Stung by recent criticism involving the Oil-For-Food scandal, Annan seemed more the ready to do a mea culpa
"I stand before you today, a broken, empty man," he said, "and I, as well as any human, can become entangled in the pitfalls and temptations laid before me." Annan continued to spell out, in general terms, his "indirect" involvement in the diversion of funds meant to feed the starving people in Iraq to the pockets of America's worst enemies.
Annan then offered somewhat of a legislative penance: Jews. "They're everywhere," said Annan. "Instead of trading perishable goods with limited shelf life for untold barrels of petroleum, we can trade Jews, who, while perishable, do not spoil until after
they've been in a boxcar devoid the appropriate ventilation for their species."
Annan then said the oil would be sold to combat anti-semitism around the world.
UN General Secretary, Kofi Annan,
explaining his new prototype program.
Annan even made the symbolic gesture
of donating one of his own Jews to
"prime the pump."
Annan also noted the Jewish penchant for propping up economies with lightning speed, and contends that their unquantifiable, human currency is indexed to these lucrative talents.
Annan's remarks about Jews are far more tepid than the ones for which he stood an applauded a few years ago
. His lack of condemnation for a truly anti-Semitic rant by Malaysia's muslim leader raised questions about his true feelings toward the Semitic people. "There is nothing to worry about," he was quoted at the time. "I only speak with love in my heart."
Syria and Iran assented to Annan's proposal, practically sight unseen. Damascus officials did
say they were concerned with the "Jew-to-barrel" ratios. Annan assured them that comprehensive terms would be hammered out, and that, unlike the oil-for-food program, the books will be entirely open.
"One upside to this is, you can't counterfeit a Jew," he said. Annan symbolically donated a Jew to the program, as a sort of parallel to a ribbon-cutting ceremony. His closing remarks showed a truly, tender man.
"We must keep the dark forces of anti-semitism from encroaching on this wonderful, worldwide program." he said. "So we can eradicate them
, . . .er, I mean . . it
Michael Moore Hopes Next U.S. Catastrophe Provides Catchy Film Title
Seeks to eventually displace 100% of public school curriculum.
American Documentarian Michael Moore is counting on terrorists to make fastidious selections as to when
they dish out the carnage.
Fresh from his two most recent cinematic successes, Bowling for columbine
, and Fahrenheit 9/11
, the enigmatic Moore realizes that, unless careful attention to detail is maintained, that his finely-tuned parasitic largesse will be an opportunity missed.
"The last thing we want is a bomb going off in Couer d'Alene, Idaho," he said. "There is neither an extant game show nor a futuristic novel that has the kind of lingering, parallel title we need for me to make money."
Moore says he would prefer massive, genocidal bloodshed in a place like St. Paul, Minnesota for example, as immediate, apostolic allusions to the Bible would serve the dual-edged function of indicting the religious right, while subsequently blaming America for the catastrophic circumstances.
"That would be an early Christmas gift." he said. "But being naturally pessimistic, I lay my Murphy's Law cynicism right at the door of a suitcase nuke in Plano, Texas. Try to hammer good copy out of that
On the whole, Moore is optimistically cautious. While Fahrenheit 9/11
was overlooked for an Oscar, Moore is willing to settle for the subordinate role of taking over all school curriculum in America.
"I've made one movie that says guns are bad when used by Americans to kill Americans, and one that says that planes are good when used by Arabs
to kill Americans," he said. " Who can disagree with that? Nobody I know," he said.
Kevin Costner Only "Days Away" From Credible British Accent
Hollywood insiders are abuzz, as unconfirmed reports indicate that Waterworld
star, Kevin Costner is "on the verge" of the requisite British accent required of other actors. The clearest example is his 1991 leading role in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves
, in which Costner, playing Robin Hood, was the only man languishing in King Richard's prison that sounded like Tony Danza.
"Normally, a leading role about an existential, ubiquitous social equalizer with prodigious archery skill in 12th century England would require better," said one of Costner's confidants, "but I feel like everything Kevin does is Bull Durham."
Costner's agent is ecstatic. "Maybe he can go and rethink that whole native-American bit he did in Dances With Wolves
(top)Costner in Robin Hood. (bottom) Foxx, discussing how his
imitative talents landed him the leading role in The Kevin Costner
Oddly enough, Costner was rejected the leading role in a coming biopic, The Kevin Costner Story
, as "auditory credibility was paramount" to the director.
The lead role is currently being researched by impressionist-extraordinaire, Jaime Foxx.
Senator Byrd All Up In Rice's Face
Negro To Be More Important Than Senator
West Virginia Senator Robert Byrd helped lead the charge against a final confirmation with blistering criticism today. "He was all up in her face," said one senator, wishing to remain anonymous. "He doesn't like it when the hired help speak out of turn."Senator Robert Byrd(D-WV), arguing against the elevationof a negro to a position more important than his.
Speaking on the senate floor, Byrd lamented what he said was an unjustified war based on false information, insofar that the Bush Administration labeled Iraq a "training ground for terrorists."
Byrd's vociferous opposition to the vertical mobility of African Americans is well known, but respected. His statesmanship seems to effortlessly override any perceived conflicts of interest. With flowing and articulate opposition, Byrd peeled forth:" . . . rather I should die a thousand times, and see Old Glory trampled in the dirt never to rise again, than to see this beloved land of ours become degraded by race mongrels, a throwback to the blackest specimen from the wilds."Byrd quickly realized he was quoting from one of his other written works, and halted rather quickly. He then resumed:"Dr. Rice is responsible for some of the most overblown rhetoric that the administration used to scare the American people into believing that there was an imminent threat from Iraq."
Byrd went on to warn the American people "not to let your girls marry into that side of the tracks, because of an imminent threat of Teutonic dilution" before he was gaveled out by Vice president Dick Cheney, lover of blacks.
Sen Kennedy was thought to have been reasonably coherent at the time.
Amish Crime Statistics Show Dramatic Rise In Smitings, Photography
Amish communities around the country are conceding that outside, secular culture may be infiltrating an erstwhile cloistered, religious sect.
24 year old Amos Moses, and his wife, Rachel
Moses has not given in to the youthful trend
to hide a camera in his trousers, or smite people
with an open hand
"One can barely take their buggy into the municipality without encountering a smiting," said 24 year-old Amos Moses, his haggard features belying any aesthetic clues to his youth. "but the photography and the graven plate is that which doth place the soul at perdition's door."
Moses is referring to the Amish doctrinal platform to eschew photographic implements. In recent years, the combined portability and diminutive scale of modern cameras make them logistically possible to hide in the girded loin. Amish youth have been quick to seize on these technological gains.
Cutting-edge reductions in the sheer girth of modern photographic equipment
have contributed to precipitous spiritual declines in Amish youth. This 1939 RB Series D Graflex is easily concealed, with little or no impairment at either the plow, or barn-raisings, which allow one to "get lost among the other hats."
The previously-mentioned smiting issues are simply an augmentation of a crime that has always been present--in limited form--in Amish communities. "Men have always had ought against their brother at indecorous times," Moses said. "but this indiscriminate, smiting-without ought is like a tapeworm."."
Statistics show that the more liberal,"blue" Amish communities are now confronting a previously uncharted specter--the drive-by admonition.
"I just hope it stays . . .over there" he said. "Maybe they can take pictures of their declining morals while they're at it."
Newspaper Accidentally Reports Islamic Slaughter Of Unimportant Christian Family
"We are thankful for the unilateral lack of press coverage on the whole," say terrorists
A unified American press corps. has maintained an amazingly tight-lipped approach to covering the recent slayings of a totally expendable Christian family in New Jersey by Muslim extremists.
This code of honor was broken today, however.
One maverick newspaper's editorial slip caused these
mourners to assign artificial value to a Christian family
killed by Islamic visionaries. Traffic along Jersey City's
Bergen Avenue was blocked for hours, and muslims on
their way to prayers were inconvenienced.
The Fort Wayne Journal Gazette, violating the self-imposed gag order, accidentally assigned individual value to the four members of a Coptic Christian religion, who were engaged in proselyte activities in Islamic chat rooms. The paper reads:
The bodies of Hossam Armanious, a 47-year-old Coptic Christian, his 37-year-old wife, Amal Garas, and their daughters, Sylvia, 15, and Monica, 8, were discovered Jan. 14 in the family's home. They had been bound and gagged, and each was stabbed repeatedly in the neck and head. No arrests have been made.
Police have promised to bring the Journal Gazette journalists responsible for imputing value to the family to justice. "This just cannot be tolerated." one officer is quoted.
CBS executives claim that "this would have never happened" on their network. "We are 100% committed to getting rid
of all the facts. Dan Rather's ship would never sail such choppy, journalistic waters."
Other journalists, familiar with the age-old trick of mentioning women and children in the course of a statistical rundown, say that such lucid, heart-rending facts are tantamount to blasphemy.
"Next thing you know, FOX News will be reporting protesters outside the hospital when they yank that Terry Schiavo's feeding tube
," they said. "What is this world coming to?"
Hat Tip To Michelle Malkin for the JG Story . . .
Sacramento Kings Players Demand Subtitles For Stojakovic
A potential contractual crossroads is brewing between Sacramento Kings
management and the players, as teammates of Kings forward, Predrag Stojakovic demand subtitles. Teammates say they still don’t know if he’s a nice guy or not, because they “can’t understand anything he says. Stojakovic, a native Yugoslavian, joined the Kings in 1998. His heavy, Slavic accent masks what close friends say are the complexities of a pleasant, affable guy.
Moments of levity like this one are deceptively
routine. Though Stojakovich appears
to be communicating as an insider to this moment,
he is really trapped in sad and frustrating
vortex of unintelligibility with his fellow
A locker-room interview pits Stojakovic’s teammates against their own assumptions. “I keep hearing about Pedra’s demeanor,” said one, “but all I hear is this glottal gibberish coming out of his mouth. When his family is here, I at least have half a chance of getting them to interpret.”
Other players are curious as to how the 6 foot, ten-inch forward gets as much face time as he does on product endorsement commercials--most recently, Stojakovic’s endorsement of The Good Feet Store
, in which Stojakovic utters an unintelligible, closing remark at the commercial’s close.
has obtained this line, and has since had it analyzed by linguistic experts. The line, when phonetically written, appears to say “eedie buddy deeds a dood feed,” a clear illustration of the predicament in which his teammates find themselves.
“See?” Said one of the King’s alternate guards, “how am I supposed to know when to throw him an under the bucket pass, when I can’t even understand what I now know to be ‘everybody needs good feet?’”
Players are demanding that Stojakovic be outfitted with a prototype, LCD monitor that displays voice activated translations of his utterances. Management is currently bristling at the whole issue.
Developing . . .
Report: Overprescription Of Ibuprofen May Have Created Drug-Resistant Strain Of Inflammation
The Food and Drug Administration is looking into an independent report, that alleges overprescription of the common anti-inflammatory, Ibuprofen, may have paved the way for malicious swelling to do an end-run around the drug itself
The report, comissioned by a private firm, details among other things, the theory that inflammation is a cunning and ruthless adversary, comparable to itch, and it's distant cousin, blanchable redness.
Though virtually indistinguishable, the foot on the
left is a standard case, easily ameliorated by Ibuprofen;
The foot on the right is host to a nefarious form of
mutant swelling. Besides dieting, amputation may
be the only option.
The report also implies the potential for a "pandemic level of indiscriminate swelling." The report however, does not
elaborate in specific terms what kind of swelling may occur, or of whom the swelling may find the least resistant host. Other allusions to possible terrorist appropriation are chilling, at best. The report quotes even those in fields of combat:
"Swelling technology is a dangerous an unexplored munitions horizon." said one military analyst. "We've got to get ahold of this information before they do, otherwise, the reverse-diarretic is right around the corner."
The FDA has forwarded all pertinent concerns to the Department of Homeland Security. Until further studies confirm data consistent with the independent report, doctors will be allowed to treat inflammation with conventional Ibuprofen doses with no fear of legal retribution.
Wal-Mart Greeter Has Glass Jaw
The Leesville, Louisiana Wal-Mart was agog this afternoon, as 67-year-old Herbert Dozier went down "after only one punch." An altercation ensued shortly after Dozier insisted that 22-year old Chase Armado "put a little sticky thing" on the item he was intending to return.
Herbert Dozier--his over-the-top
style overshadows his apparent
inability to take a punch
Greeters serve the secondary duty of delineating previously-purchased items from those still the property of the store. "This is a precaution meant to protect the legitimate consumer, rather than an attempt to stem a tide of shoplifting," one under-manager stated.
Bystanders say that Dozier was "physically equal" to Armado, and are puzzled that he went down so quickly. "It appears that the assailant did not know his own strength," said the source.
Zarqawi Vows To "Increase Descriptions" of Insurgent Attack Methods
New language to include "longer knives" and "4-door car bombs with luggage space."
A newly-released audiotape, bearing the voice of a speaker identifying himself as Abu Musab al-Zarqawi is striking fear in the western world, as credible threats of "more elaborate and grisly descriptions" of acts already perpetrated by insurgents could manifest themselves as concrete rhetoric.
Abu Musab al-Zarqawi
Master of the adjective
Administration officials are careful to speculate on the possibility of augmented descriptions, and say that until a pure, colorfully-embroidered description of the recent beheadings and car bombings materializes, that conjectural chatter is only harmful.
"We've heard this before," said one White House staffer,"everyday we hear that Zarqawi is on the verge of saying that 'especially long knives' will be employed in the beheadings of innocent civilians,' but he has yet to put his mouth where his mouth is."
Other chilling possible descriptions include elevating the standard, broken-down yugo or garden variety, two-door sedan car bomb to a more roomy, 4-door model with air conditioning and greater foot space."
So far, all intercepted chatter contradicts the blood-curdling clarion call by Mr. Zarqawi.
New England Cold Snap Freezes Congressional Booze
Could delay Rice confirmation, tax cuts
An already unprecedented cold snap has rendered congressional booze "undrinkable" as sub-zero temperatures challenge notions of alcohol's non-freezability.
"Look, we can be as coy as we want to be here," said one aide to a top republican leader, "but contrary to conventional wisdom, Robert's Rules of Order, and traditional lobbying avenues have little to do with how things get done in the congress. Most successful congressional ventures are preceded by binge drinking."
Sen. Specter (R-Penn) discusses the "biblically enormous"
consequences of alcohol shortages, and warns his votes
could "begin to reflect my party identity."
Experts say, that a sudden dearth of alcoholic confidence can result in a startling halt in the wheels of progress. "If this 'Noreaster' continues to pummel the 105th like this, the consequences could be exponentially bad." they said.
Alcohol is credited with allowing Sen. Kennedy(right)
to work to create legislation with president Bush.
Should rum become unobtainable, it is believed he could
attempt to retract his own legislative victories.
Early predictions place Sen. Edward Kennedy in a "distraught fog of sobriety," which could easily translate into a stalled vote on the full-senate confirmation of Condoleeza Rice for Secretary of State, as well as imperil any thought of indexing capital gains taxes to inflation.
Others fear that an unimbibed Sen. Specter could "wind up giving the president full-vote hearings on any judges his heart desires." Spectre, a Republican, maintains a consistent "trojan horse" status, known for ripping defeat out of victory's jaws.
"Alcohol is the oil in freedom's engine," one source said. "Believe me, that Kennedy wildcard makes me want to start drinking myself."
Federal Judge Orders Jane Roe's 34-Year-Old Baby To Be Aborted
Marking the 32-year anniversary of Roe v. Wade, a federal Judge of the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals has ordered Norma McCorvey's 34-year old daughter to be aborted.
Norma McCorvey "Roe" in the landmark Roe v. Wade
decision(top). The plaintiff, now 34 years old with an outstanding warrant
McCorvey gave the child up for adoption, as the landmark Supreme Court decision came two years after the original brief was filed. McCorvey was pregnant at the time. She has since embraced christianity and has hence renounced any involvement in the case.
The majority opinion expresses the sheer anguish of the court's findings, insofar as the issues of abortion are primarily economic:
"The court feels that a retroactive abortive remedy would best maintain the spirit of the law, despite the letter of it. We realize that the cryptic safeguards built into the adoption process is prohibitively expensive, and that finding the actual fetal plaintiff will be next to impossible. The court therefore finds that all caucasian women born in 1971 will be subject to the remedial surgical removal process."
The majority opinion does not state when the en masse evacuations are to occur, but federal officials are acknowledging a spike in saline reserves.
One source close to the court's inner sanctums disagrees
with the decision.
"Though I take serious umbrage with this court," states the 34-year old waitress, "I will respect and abide by their decision. That's what being an American is all about."
Michael Powell Resigns FCC Chairmanship To Become President Of Def-Jam Records
Michael Powell, son of Secretary of State Colin Powell, resigned his chairmanship from the Federal Communications Commission yesterday in return for a promised "presidentiary position" at Def Jam records--a gangsta rap music label.
Powell: Can he save a floundering
Powell was a somewhat conflicted public figure, as his personal contentions against tight federal regulations were juxtaposed with his support of unprecedented fines against "broadcast indecency." "I am looking forward to cleaning up the indecorous repartee of artists like Snoop Dog and 50 cent." he said. "I understand that they have it in them to say it without, you know, spraying it,
as it were."
Powell was not aware that neither artist comes under his perview, or had any clue about how many times rapper 50 Cent had survived numerous bullet wounds.
Under Powell's leadership, Def Jam constituents like Method Man
and his posse will have to knock off the flagrant narcissism, and
Powell has held the position of chairman for four years, but had found the pinnacle, professional excitement of a 40-year-old Janet Jackson exposing herself at the superbowl a bit sleep-inducing. "I mean, how many hearings can you have about Janet Jackson's deteriorating sense of self-worth before it gets stale?" he asked.
The never-ending stream of F-words, racial self-loathing, and references to polemical gunplay promises to provide a more "fertile environment" for Powell's exploits. "This is a potential win-win situation for both," said one Def Jam insider.
Once Powell assumes the postion, he is expected to immediately seek a moratorium on the F-word, as well as attempt to curtail the "proliferate tendency to point at the camera during video shoots for MTV."
Def Jam once ruled gangsta rap's industry, but recent years have yielded fierce competiton--surfacing mainly in the form of pointing 9mm Glocks at their business rivals and "putting a cap" in any percieved sexual rivals. "This is going to change" said Powell. "It has to
, since I am confiscating all guns at the studio door."
He also indicated that the rappers can expect to be in bed by a decent hour. "I think once the initial shock subsides, Powell's postive influence on the record label will be exponential." said one source for The Therapist.
Only time will tell.
Terrorists Threaten To Detonate Antibacterial "Clean Bomb" in Europe
European countries were placed on notice this morning as operatives for balkanized terrorist groups have made credible threats to detonate a bomb that can "disinfect an entire city in a matter of seconds."
French officials are especially tentative, as their tendencies to eschew hygenic safeguards are seen as a prime target or such an insidious device. But Europe's overall penchant for smelly, coagulated rivers and fermented fecal essence places the radius of potential threat "nearly anywhere," states one european official.
It is believed that the ability to manufacture an antibacterial bomb was acquired by terrorist networks a few years ago. "The internet has let the informational cat out of the bags," said one EU spokesperson. "But the arab penchant for stupefying chemistry understanding is unmatched anywhere in the world."
The anonymous source said they were referring to the cryptic molecular compound, trinitrotoluene
, otherwise known outside academic spheres as TNT.
"Anybody can post this stuff on the net," he said, but only a ruthless genius could actually decipher
these things without being a human Rosetta Stone."
The sheer preponderance of the other items, make the bomb a "potential spectre of European washing and wiping" they said.
The availability of antibacterial soap and it's mechanized envoys
are patently useless without the ability to decipher mind-numbing,
The molecular labyrinth,
known as trinitrotoluene. First deciphered
by genius, arab terrorists.
Despite the widespread availability of the techniques required to theoretically make such a device, sources close to The Therapist would only say, "we don't want to encourage anymore hand washing than there will already be if this thing really goes. Next thing you know, every stinking Kyoto sychophant will have to live up to their own standards."
Networks Preempt Inauguration Coverage As Filipino's Make Staggering Discovery of Fire
The Inauguration ceremonies of 43rd president George W. Bush were preempted by most networks, as scattered reports began to materalize that Filipino nationals had discovered fire.
Filipino scientists were seen with pyrotechnic implements lighting what appeared to be a form of decorated fabric.
"It's a good thing this breakthrough happened outside the US Emabassy here," said one vicarious researcher. "Otherwise, the world would think nothing of dismissing our people's strength in these areas of science."
One observer noted that technique
may have as much to do with the success of fire's discovery as the catalysts themselves. "It seems that butane lighters have a synergystic effect when coupled with high-pitched screaming and incoherent, gregarious caterwauling." he said.Filipino scientists in Manila skillfully assemble a
delicately-balanced series of catalysts in their discovery of fire.
43rd US President George W. Bush's Inauguration was
preempted in the wake of this news avalanche.
President Bush was told of the discovery as he was getting ready to read Goodnight Moon
to the Democratic Leadership Council. One aide notes, "He just sat there, stunned, and then broke out in a knowing smile that said, 'Yes!'"
The Inauguration ceremonies will be played in full, as soon as tape-delay recordings can have "Lord," and "Jesus" edited out of the invocations, and as soon as coverage of the Filipino Miracle subsides.
Prince Harry Goosesteps Near Plate of Gefilte Fish
Already reeling from recent scandals connecting Prince Harry to careless, fascist clothing statements, Buckingham Palace is bracing for another political firestorm.
Prince Harry was spotted doing a "stiff-legged, Nazi-like" cadence near a plate of gefilte fish, sitting in repose in a public house window by local merchants.
The prince denies any "isometric malfeasance" towards the traditionally jewish meal. "I would duck in myself, if I weren't put off by the smell." he said. Even those comments were later vetted for latent, nazi predelictions. The young Prince even found himself having to explain away his "german-esque trot" to a yeast infection.
The Assailant: Prince Harry; The Victim: gefilte fish with parsley garnish
Prince Harry is renowned for his sometimes-edgy, rugged individualism which occasionally rears its head in the form of an incoherent ale-swilling aryan with swishy inbreeding, complete with swastika armband. "He gets what he deserves," said one of the palace gardners. "He's plowed his vessel into 'untouchable' territory. Today is payday."
Prince Harry's fervent iconoclasm was evident
even at his mother's funeral, where he "refused to
hold his head at angles commencorate with the rest."
Prince Charles has registered his "supreme distress" at Harry's recent antics, and assures the world that Harry will "be visitng Auchwitz with an entire rucksack full of matza balls if he has to."
Democrats Reluctantly Confirm Nomination of Articulate, Black Woman
The Senate Foreign Relations Committee today reluctantly voted to confirm Articulate Black Woman Condoleezza Rice for Secretary of State today, with Sen. Barbara Boxer (Ca.) and Sen. John Kerry voting "no."
Condoleezza Rice--Articulate Black Woman
that troubles the finest minds in the senate
It is believed that Kerry appropriated an obscure statute in parlimentary procedure to first vote for
her, before voting against her. Sources say these things are frequently done "under the radar," but that Kerry's rumored vascillation is "uncorroborated."
Boxer vociferously opposed Rice on grounds of her "disregard for the truth," and that "hearing that kind of perfectly-honed diction and enunciation emanate from a black face is unnerving." Aides to Boxer admit that the senator's umbrage against Rice falls under the umbrella of low-expectations with regards to black people.
"If she could have just taken on a muslim moniker, or went all hip-hop for a moment, or done that thing black women do with their heads when they get mad," said the aide. "But this dot-and-tittle attention to posture and vigorus defense of the iraq war, with words the senator can barely understand just wont do."
Top: Sen. Boxer, "Unnerved" by non-ebonics. Bottom: Rice in surroundings "more
appropriate for her type."
Sen. Joeseph Biden (D.-Delaware) thoughtfully scratched his frontal hair plugs as he relunctantly said he would support Rice--perhaps avoiding a "sour grapes" protest vote in a process virtually guranteed to confirm Rice. He also quoted from one of his major written works
, Romeo & Juliet
Sen Biden's hair plugs were
virtually imperceptible during
The commitee's vote sends the issue to the full senate, where she is expected to face symbolic opposition from the like of former Ku Klux Klan member, Robert Byrd(W.VA)--a Democrat.
Democratic Senator Robert Byrd
in "happier times."
Byrd is expected to refrain from filibustering the issue in fashions similar to his barn-burner fulminations against the 1964 Civil Rights Act.
It was unclear at day's end whether or not Sen. Byrd planned to use the word "nigger" in any forthcoming speeches.
CBS Weighs Carrot Top, Jim Stafford For Alternating Anchor Positions
CBS News president Les Moonves announced today, that amongst the pantheon of names being bantied around as possible co-anchors, that comedians Carrot Top and Jim Stafford "cannot be ruled out."Carrot Top's ascerbic witand stupefying good looksmake him a viable contender to share Rather's vacant anchor seat.
The diversity contingent comes as news sources reveal a plethora of possible co-anchors, to include Today Show
host, Katie Couric as well as Daily Show
funnyman, Jon Stewart.
"Carrot Top brings with him the kind of credibility, along with the ability to pull the most abstract concepts into concrete form with that bag of visi-puns he carries around," says Moonves, and obvious fan of the comedian. "I once saw him pull a mannequin's foot with a rocket glued to the front of it," he said. "When he called it "mistletoe" I thought I would wet myself."
The comedian's razor-sharp wit is only one of the qualifications that place him in the running, howvever. Moonves contends that "harsh as it may sound, rugged good looks are paramount in this business. You can have all the zinging, write-on-your-feet ability in the world, but if you look
retarded, you'll lose your audience," he said.
Lyrical Funnyman, Jim Stafford, author and singer of Spiders & Snakes, My Girl Bill,
and Swamp Witch,
as Moonves admits a "dark horse" candidate at this time. "Jim continues to enjoy great success singing thirty-year-old songs in Branson," says Moonves. "We don't want to upset the Missouri musical ecosystem unless we are 100% sure this is the direction we want to go."Jim Stafford's ability to hold things with his toesplaces an anchor position"within reach," says oneCBS executive.
When queried about Stafford's anchor acumen, one CBS executive says that an anchor's ability to juggle items as well as information "is paramount", and notes that Stafford had "demonstrated the ability to hold an extra writing implement with his foot, if need be."
The executive then directed The Therapist's reporter to Stafford's Greatest Hits album cover, for a visual confirmation. "See there?" he asked. Now I ask you, "Who in the world is Jon Stewart?"
Kerry Prepared To Vote For Rice Before He Votes Against Her
Former Democratic presidential nominee, Sen John Kerry noted
that he "Might vote against" the confirmation of Condoleeza Rice for the job of Secretary of State. He then indicated that, should this be the case that it will not come without first registering a vote in her favor.
Senator Kerry, shaking hands with
nominee Rice, and logging his intent to
support--then ultimately oppose her
Senator Kerry has a long and honored history of voting for things that he will later oppose. This tactic, while considered dangerous for the political novice, has worked well for Kerry, who fervently opposed Vietnam shortly after slicing the ears off of civilain rice-farmers in the southern quarter as a vociferous supporter of the war. He later went on to be vigorously nominated for the 2004 presidential candidacy of the democratic party.
Rice is aware of the long standing, ripple effects that can emerge from Kerry being one of the only senators to oppose her. "All that needs to happen is for him to vote against her first, and then he will later vote for
her," said one senate aide to Kerry. "but he traditionally votes against things in the latter half of the process."
Kerry currently opposes the war in Iraq. It was believed that, had he become president, that he would have then been for it.
California's Whirlwind Justice System To Execute 1981 Murderer
Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger, acting in haste within the lightning-fast mechanisms of the California legal system, is refusing to grant clemency to convicted 1981 killer Donald Beardslee. Beardslee, 61 was convicted for the 1981 murder of two women. The execution is scheduled for Wednesday, 12:01 AM.
Human rights groups are not happy. "The death of these women should not be demeaned and devalued by running a hasty, 23-year legal debacle," said one member of nodeathpenalty.org
. "We are surprised that the Governor's more liberal social predispositions did not prevail."
The Governor has repeatedly said he wants what is "beest fo Cottiphonia," but has declined to elaborate. His personal platforms have emerged on a piecemeal basis, under circumstances such as these.
Still, the anti-death-penalty group holds out hope for Beardslee's further three square's a day at the taxpayer's expense. "His mental impairments are a true issue," said one member of Amnesty International
. "We hope that the 'Tard Defence' will prevail yet again." Amnesty International
is world-renowned for their blind, altruistic extrication of the obviously guilty. "We want the world to know that the cold-blooded an ruthless have a friend out there," an insider said in a phone interview.
Despite the recent hulabloo in California, many analysts, as well as those involved in human rights organizations, encourage would-be killers to plan their crimes more carefully, and to "fully think through" their venues before engaging in the seemingly mundane acts of disemboweling women and children and dumping their bodies in a landfill.
are always your best bet," one analyst was quoted.
France Unveils "Easier-to-Hit" Super Plane
French President Jaques Chirac, presided over the cermonial unveiling of AirBus' double-decked, record breaking passenger plane
In a speech given yesterday, Chirac touted the European eclipse of the United States' hedgemony in the manufacuring of targets for Islamic Fundamentalists. "Those beholden to the antiquated Stinger Missiles, or even the Vietnam-era RedEye launchers will note that the playing field for downing an aircraft has been leveled substantially." he said.
The AirBus A380's improved naked-eye visibility
makes it a prime choice for lower income terrorists.
CEO's from 14 major airline manufacturers attended the ceremony in Toulouse. Chirac called the A380 "a veritable liner of the skies" and said its debut "is for all of us a moment of emotion and pride."
The french newspaper, Le Monde
declared the plane "UN-DOWNABLE" on their front page headlines. One internal designer himself tends to concur as well.
"Even God could not bring this plane down," he said.
Jesse Jackson Reminds Church He Was "Under Balcony" When King Assassinated
Editor's Note: The following article is satire. Before anyone tries to have the ACLU peering down my esophagus with a 1st. Amendment tongue depressor, just remember that I am mocking Jesse Jackson's apalling carjacking of African-American sociopolitical protocol--not the wonderfully brave and life-changing legacy of Dr. King.
If one wants to read a legitimately introspective tribute to King's legacy, then read this 1st-person account by RightwingSparkle.
The Rev. Jesse Jackson brought an entire church congregation to stunning, contemplative silence this morning when he implicitly reminded them he was under the balcony
on which Dr. Martin Luther King was shot.
The Rev. Jesse Jackson
Jackson's firebrand, rhyming cant could be heard recalling the drastic moments of April 4th, 1968, when King's life was cut short by James Earl Ray. One famous picture shows other
companions pointing to the assassin's window, but Jackson has maintained all along that he was pointing from beneath
the balcony as well.
Jackson (second from left) with Dr. King,
before pointing begins.
A mortally wounded King with those
who are not Jesse Jackson, pointing
to assassin's cove. Jackson was pointing
"One of Jesse's great regrets is that he could not be photographed pointing from the same
balcony, thus solidfying his legacy as the titular, heir-aparrent to King's legacy." said one of Jackson's personal aides. "Now he has to keep doing this whole, 'I'm the fifth Beatle' jig that is quite frankly, embarrassing
But any percieved cloying and coattailing of King's legacy on the part of Jackson to the rest of the world was lost on the forgiving congregation at Dixon Road Baptist church this morning.
"Just as long as he pointed," said one parishoner. "That gives him a lot more moral latitude with regard to his comments about New York being 'Hymietown'
Flap-Weary CBS Weighs Replacing Fan of Saddam With Unabomber Admirer
According to Matt Drudge
, CBS News executives are engaged in a tepid whispering campaign about their short list of replacements for Dan Rather, notorius sychophantic follower of Saddam Hussein's regime.Dan Rather, Saddam Fan -- Katie Couric, Unabomber Admirer
On the short list is NBC's Katie Couric, perky morning host and part-time admirer of Unabomber Theodore Kaczynski.
CBS president, Les Moonves could not be reached for comment. However, insiders say the decision to stay "well within the lines of protocol" is the primary plumb-line for choosing a new occupant for the prestigious anchor seat. "We are worn to the nubs with controversy, and we want to stay as far away from the appearance of bias as possible."
"While we want to maintain a distinctly anti-American tone in our reporting, we would rather have prima facie
word-association of our anchor's faces with environmental
terrorists who hate republicans." said one source close to the process.
Others expressed concern that Couric's aparrent rooting for Saddam during the initial military push into Iraq
would hurt her chances.
"We don't think so," said the source. "She's perky. Anybody who can sit in the same room with Bryant Gumbel for an hour without putting a gun to their head can stand the heat of a little controversy."
Space probe Discovers Ancestral Race of Rock People
NASA's Titan probe has relinquished photos
directly linking the origin of the human race to a little-known race of rock people found habitating on Saturn's moon.
"Speculation about the race by scientists is an already pyrotechnic undertaking," said one source. "How to establish a cogent and meaningful dialogue with these beings is the next real important step."
of our relatives--NASA
Still, advocates of Creationism
, a vapid, theoretical construct, contend that the space program has confirmed nothing
, except for the fact that moons are generally thought to be barren, prehistoric wastelands with little or no evidence to suggest anything other than substantiate the moon's role as an intelligently designed gravitational counterbalance to Saturn's massive girth.
Scientists beg to differ. "Listening to the rhetoric of these fanatics makes me want to throw some of those rock people right through their window." said one irate intellectual.
NASA is currently looking for potential help in the form of unusually high linguistic acumen. "The sooner we tap the unfathomable knowledge of these rocks, the sooner we get to peer into the Cradle of Life," one researcher remarked.
Pro-Abortion Bracelet Hailed as Contraceptive by Pro Life Groups
In an unexpected turn of events, pro abortion group NARAL
has found themselves the unwitting purveyor of a contraceptive device, which will prevent the desired goal of a net, fiscal increase in abortions for 2005.
The Uteran Tourniquet
The bracelet, originally intended to ride the inertia of an ever-growing tendency for political rivals to ornamentally express their polarizations, is being promoted by pro-life groups with the secondary function of a "Uteran Tourniquet."
Anonymous sources inside NARAL say they are outraged by any
attempt to employ a reproductive right before
an abortion opportunity arises, and that the abominable misappropriation of a decorative implement shows that the anti-choice movement will "stop at nothing to make sure unwanted pregnancies don't happen in the first place."
Contraception has long thought to have been invented to circumvent abortion opportunities. One source maintains that the bracelets have but one, cosmetically ideological function.
"We are here to guarantee that all abortions are wanted" she said.
And This is Why The Pentagon Is Sliding Into Perdition
I am officially announcing that no disease, pestilence or malady of the human condition will ever
be ameliorated by the Pentagon: They reject the most obvious solution within the grasp of modern, technological acumen in the name of Political Correctness.
New Scientist magazine reports
that the Pentagon had slated research dollars for pursuing what has been termed a "sex bomb" for immediate deployment against the Iraqi Insurgency. I quote:
Most bizarre among the plans was one for the development of an "aphrodisiac" chemical weapon that would make enemy soldiers sexually irresistible to each other. Provoking widespread homosexual behaviour among troops would cause a "distasteful but completely non-lethal" blow to morale, the proposal says.
Other ideas included chemical weapons that attract swarms of enraged wasps or angry rats to troop positions, making them uninhabitable. Another was to develop a chemical that caused "severe and lasting halitosis", making it easy to identify guerrillas trying to blend in with civilians. There was also the idea of making troops' skin unbearably sensitive to sunlight.
The second paragraph mistakenly implies that an Iraqi soldier's breath smells like jasmine at the outset. But the first paragraph is where they really start running with a wheel in the sand. The whole project was presumably jettisoned in the valeful glare of a potential political-correctness backlash at home. But anyone with even a modicum of research about the physical proclivites of isolated Sunni and Baathist men will know that these men do not require a chemical nudge through the gate called Buggery.
If political ramifications are the reason, then we need a new Pentagon. Chances are, the comissioned scientists are skeptical about the ability to actually manufacture a bomb called "Saddam-y", "Baath-House" or "The Guantanamo Gotcha."
But what about a placebo? Simply carpet bomb the Sunni Triangle with bunker-busters, and drop leaflets with stick figures and broad implications of the transdermal chemicals now infiltrating their bodies.
They'd go nuts. And we'd bring our troops home as the insurgency redecorates Iraq--and--best of all: fails to reproduce themselves.
Allah Judged Incompetent To Help in Tsunami Crisis
Despite a federal court's ruling striking Allah's involvement in saving his people from the horrific effects of the Indonesian Tsunami, a Virginia-based christian group will continue backing off their attempt to help water-logged Muslim kids because the muslims see yet another conspiracy by the Great Satan.
It was originally thought that the group, WorldHelp
, had airlifted as many as 300 children from the Muslim province of Aceh, and spirited them away to Jakarta, where such nefarious brainwashing techniques like food, shelter, and thoughts of non
-suicide retributions are thought to be employed as dastardly conversion tactics.
Fortunately, the Muslim fears were allayed when it was discovered that the children were still languishing in the province; starving, orphaned and in danger of the effects of cholera. WorldHelp
has since backed off from their serruptitous plan to comfort the orphans, after having their clandestine operation brought to light by the Washington Post.
had heard about the ruling from the 11th Circuit, but declined to fill the voids created by Allah's ouster, stating that "the gig is up for us."
Representatives of the Acehnese Muslims stated that WorldHelp's
attempt to corral these children also misrepresents the ability of their own leaders to provide the needed items, which they say is completely baseless.
"We have a bright little vest, with lots of pretty wires, for each of them," one was quoted.
Honestly, We're Laughing With You
How many ways can the press corps. reconstitute the Abu Ghraib scandal? Well . . .apparrently the answer is bordering on infinite
. First, there were the pictures
. Then there were the pictures
with second-hand testimony. Then there were the same pictures with some first-hand, anecdotal, "I was in the adjoining cell" testimony. Then there were the revamped descriptions of the pictures as they were run like brand-new
Shortly after that, the scandal wafted into "Pentegon Official Makes Uncouth Remark about the Pictures" headlines, prompting more airing of the pictures(in case someone actually managed to miss seeing the pictures).
And all this during a presidential election in which John Kerry is having to face a vietnam-era admission that he did things to people and villagers that are far worse than anything
portrayed in the pictures. And while these pictures prompted all kinds of super-drooling questions of Kerry about the pictures
, no one ever thought to ask him whether or not he, as President Ghengis Khan would have been morally obligated to pardon everyone caught making arab daisy-chains in
2004 retrospectives provided even more glimpses at the pictures. Screeching through the years highlights, one could barely catch their network-watching-breath before the next slide finished off anybody inclined to epileptic seizures. Fist fights at games; the shot always cuts away before Ron Artest actually hits
anybody. Two seconds of Ronald Reagan's cinematic deathbed scene in order to remind us of his real
one; but then--finally--after all the caterwauling about Ohio's electoral votes and Floridian apocalypses. Now, all could gather around the luminous blue screen to see the pictures
. Panaoramic pictures, color pictures, cell phone pictures . . . all meticulously layed out with a phlegmatic clarity that would rival a high-resolution close-up of Deep Blue's
knight at a world chess championship--with Gary Kasparov in check.
Then the whole thing started to peter off. And somebody noticed it was doing so. Today comes the shocking revelation that a few of the litgants involved in this scandal may have actually thought what they were doing was funny.
Now that's going too far. Here's where the story starts off:
A Syrian insurgent held at Abu Ghraib prison testified by video Tuesday that Army Spc. Charles Graner merrily whistled, sang and laughed while brutalizing him and forced him to eat pork and drink alcohol in violation of his Muslim faith.
It seems that muslims can only tank-up and spend the night with strippers before "spectacular" attacks on Manhattan. Then,
An Iraqi detainee later told the court that he was among a group of prisoners stripped by Graner and other Abu Ghraib guards, stacked up naked in a human pyramid while female soldiers watched, and later told to masturbate.
Oh wow. They must know nothing of the idea that "one can't ignite that which is not already flammable." And their stultifying grasp of dubious bilological criminality is something to behold as well.
"I couldn't imagine it in the beginning," Hussein Mutar, the Iraqi, said when asked how he felt during the alleged mistreatment. "I could kill myself because no one over there was stopping it from happening."
Translation: "I couldn't imagine having the same Baathist ideal forced down my throat. I could just blow something up with a loaded vest."
And on and on, ad nauseum. The real nugget is a few paragraphs down:
Asked if Graner appeared to enjoy hurting him, al-Sheikh said through an interpreter: "He laughed. He was whistling. He was singing.". . .He described Graner as the "primary torturer" and "a naturally aggressive man" - a characterization that led Graner, sitting in the courtroom, to roll his eyes and chuckle.
And this is where the American gag reflex starts to trip.
To commit a crime in this country--no big deal. To do it and maintain some degree of brazeness about the matter--now we've entered the Valley of Abomination.
The best illustration that comes to mind is the case of one Robert Alton Harris--executed in California's death row for the following crime (Text is from a senate debate on HR 3371
--a crime bill in the hopper back in 1992)
In July 1978, Robert Alton Harris and his brother were looking for
trouble of the worst kind. Out on parole from California State Prison for
voluntary manslaughter, Harris and his brother were looking for a car to use in
a bank robbery. They came upon two boys, aged 15 and 16, who were sitting in a car eating hamburgers. Harris pulled out a gun and ordered them to drive to a
When they arrived at a deserted spot, Harris assured the boys that he had no intention of harming them if they walked away from the car and agreed not to identify him. The boys agreed and started to escape. But Harris began to shoot one of the boys repeatedly in the back. The other ran and Harris gave chase. He found the boy in the underbrush, crying and begging for his life. Harris shot the youth four times. Harris then returned to his first victim and proceeded to shoot him a few more times. He strode to the stolen car, ate the dead boys' hamburgers and went on with the bank robbery. No remorse, Mr. President. Just business as usual for one of the most ruthless killers in California's history.
You guessed it. The brazeness with which he ate the dead boys' hamburgers was the focus of the man's evil. The fact that a United States Senator needed to include this in an persuasive expository to nudge his moronic, senatorial comrades to sign on to the "crime is pretty much not swell" bill is a sad testament to the American mindset. Had Robert Alton Harris been on a fast--he would still be making licence plates in San Quentin.
And had Spc. Graner had a look of gravity while whacking a mullah on the head with a hamhock, the press would have to find some other sleazy rationale by which to. . . show us the pictures.
Michael Jackson To Cite "Systemic Failures" in Child Molestaion Case
There's only one thing you need to know about CBS, Dan Rather, and the Killian memo report:
Giving Dan Rather anything that could have potentially brought down the Bush presidency was like giving a Lavitra© pill to Bill Clinton. And the physiological implications may have been similar.
So I'm sitting at my father's house, where he's got Hannity & Colmes turned up to eleven on the volume knob. And there's the rump-end of the hallowed, journalistic pack-donkey--Carl Bernstein, media superstar of the 1970's who still pats himself on the back for drumming Richard Nixon out of office. What, pray tell did the silvery sin-sniffer have to say about CBS' malicious attempt to influence an election?
Of course. CBS would have never have stooped to such a level. Honest. The failures were "systemic" and (as CBS has already intoned) "an unfortunate series of missteps." Dan Rather had no political axe to grind with Mr. Bush(which is why the original plan was to break the story on the non-axe-grinding time of election eve, one must guess).
The "misstep" defense was ripened about the time that congressmen were being sent to jail for embezzling money from the house post office, and Johnny Chung was dropping cash-filled manila envelopes on the desk of the President. Dan Rostenkowski went so far as to imply that he was merely availing himself to "tragic loopholes in the system", and that he was a mere product of this mere, mundane malevolency. And Uber-Idiot Senator, Barabra Boxer goes on Larry King's now-defunct radio show to lay out zinger-defenses like "hey, even Hitler most likely had a balanced checkbook." Now that is woman who thinks on her feet.
To say that Dan Rather was not hopped up to nail president Bush is just an apallingly ignorant take on reality. Dan Rather's media rap sheet reads like an arraignment of Def-Jam Records employees--and longer than a Liz Taylor prenuptial agreement. But a few just ring to the top--demostrating his vociferous hatred for all things remotely related to a conservative bent. But let's just stick with his take on things militaristic.
In June of 1988, Dan Rather hosted a CBS special, The Wall Within. Rather interviewed six individuals who presented themselves as Vietnam veterans. All six of these men has testified to being part and parcel of the Vietnam Vibe, by killing innocent civilians, and furthermore stating that they were now drug addicts because of their quasi-satanic exploits. Further scrutiny of the claims revealed that only one of the six men was actually in Vietnam. And that one claimed to have been a 16 year-old Navy Seal but was in fact an equipment tech.
The service records of these men were easily obtained by BG Burkett, the author of Stolen Valor: How the Vietnam Generation Was Robbed of its heroes and its History. The sheer ease at which Rather's baited-breath presentation of the rabid-dog veteran was dismantled by a modicum of research makes the fact that CBS has never retracted the story even scarier.
The CBS apologists are out in force, and all the exculpatory inertia they can muster for Rather is "hey, leave him alone, he cried on David Letterman's show shortly after 9/11."
Huh? The Dan vetted his french-like fear of losing his comfort on a talk show, broke down and cried while reciting "thine alabaster cities gleem--undimmed by human tears"(remember, according to Peter Jennings, we need them to help us understand what's happening in the world, and we needed Dan Rather to point out that human tears were dimming our brown-abaster city right about then) and we're supposed to somehow let that dispel any outrage we might feel when Rather would register his disspointment that Saddam Hussein did not come out fighting when he would be captured? That's the best you can do?
Dan Rather was not "duped." He wanted those documents to be true, or at least true until Nov. 3rd, and then they could go the way of the Schwarzenegger groping complaints after the California gubernatorial recall.
Fortunately, it was Dan who got to go away . . . but not before copping a journalistic feel himself.
Inaugural Post For 2005--Felonious Felinery
Here at The Therapist
, we advocate the humane and properly oxygenated
transporation of all domesticated animals. Please do not be fooled by the traditional, swiss-cheesed, fiberglass enclosures so frequently appropriated for your pet. The illusion of proper airiation is responsible for countless pet mortalities every year. Cats are especially susceptible. Thus:
Here's another interesting take on feline modofication as well. Thanks to my friends, Kirk and Brian for the heads up:
And remember. A cat will almost always
blink when hit with a hammer. So be careful.