Friday, January 14, 2005

And This is Why The Pentagon Is Sliding Into Perdition


I am officially announcing that no disease, pestilence or malady of the human condition will ever be ameliorated by the Pentagon: They reject the most obvious solution within the grasp of modern, technological acumen in the name of Political Correctness.

New Scientist magazine reports that the Pentagon had slated research dollars for pursuing what has been termed a "sex bomb" for immediate deployment against the Iraqi Insurgency. I quote:

Most bizarre among the plans was one for the development of an "aphrodisiac" chemical weapon that would make enemy soldiers sexually irresistible to each other. Provoking widespread homosexual behaviour among troops would cause a "distasteful but completely non-lethal" blow to morale, the proposal says.

Other ideas included chemical weapons that attract swarms of enraged wasps or angry rats to troop positions, making them uninhabitable. Another was to develop a chemical that caused "severe and lasting halitosis", making it easy to identify guerrillas trying to blend in with civilians. There was also the idea of making troops' skin unbearably sensitive to sunlight.

The second paragraph mistakenly implies that an Iraqi soldier's breath smells like jasmine at the outset. But the first paragraph is where they really start running with a wheel in the sand. The whole project was presumably jettisoned in the valeful glare of a potential political-correctness backlash at home. But anyone with even a modicum of research about the physical proclivites of isolated Sunni and Baathist men will know that these men do not require a chemical nudge through the gate called Buggery.

If political ramifications are the reason, then we need a new Pentagon. Chances are, the comissioned scientists are skeptical about the ability to actually manufacture a bomb called "Saddam-y", "Baath-House" or "The Guantanamo Gotcha."

But what about a placebo? Simply carpet bomb the Sunni Triangle with bunker-busters, and drop leaflets with stick figures and broad implications of the transdermal chemicals now infiltrating their bodies.

They'd go nuts. And we'd bring our troops home as the insurgency redecorates Iraq--and--best of all: fails to reproduce themselves.

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