Sunday, January 30, 2005

Carter Claims Iraqis With Prosthetic Hands May Have Voted Twice

Former president Jimmy Carter, well respected for his calm, unwavering election oversight skills, is claiming that Iraqis who had their hands lopped off under Saddam Hussein may be using their newly-acquired prosthetics to flout the system.

Speaking from America, Carter expressed some "arms length observations" for The Therapist.

"The process was deemed to be relatively secure," he said. "After they cast their votes, their right index fingers are stained with an indelible, purple dye, precluding any chance for a second vote."

Are Republicans trying to influence the
outcome of an election by driving amputees to the polls?

Carter now says that some Iraqis have "put forth a faux finger, and availed themselves to a second vote." It is thought that the prosthetic hands are pocketed while the voters enters the queue again. "There is no reason not to believe that the RNC was aware of this, and looked the other way. This stuffing the ballot box by default, at best."

Carter also indicates that Republican-sponsored shuttles may be bussing in amputees from the rural areas, and says that if true, the reports should "completely vacate" the election results.

Poll watchers, as well as media outlets are concerned that the amputee class holds a disproportionate, anti-Saddam bias; second only to those who've had their tongues sliced out, along with a very outspoken contingent of "socket dissidents," who've been seen wearing eye patches to the ballot boxes. "These people have a serious axe to grind. And this is not time for shallow, "he said she said" acrimony," he said.

Carter is also concerned that residual Baath Party ideals will not be fairly represented. He also pointed to a depressingly-low turnout in suicide bombers. "Even they're not taking this as seriously as we'd hoped," he said.

Carter is expected to leave Wednesday for a "fact finding" mission, where he is planning to give away the Panama Canal to somebody else, lust in his heart, and beat a vicious, marauding rabbit with an oar.

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