Saturday, January 22, 2005

Michael Powell Resigns FCC Chairmanship To Become President Of Def-Jam Records

Michael Powell, son of Secretary of State Colin Powell, resigned his chairmanship from the Federal Communications Commission yesterday in return for a promised "presidentiary position" at Def Jam records--a gangsta rap music label.

Powell: Can he save a floundering
Def Jam?

Powell was a somewhat conflicted public figure, as his personal contentions against tight federal regulations were juxtaposed with his support of unprecedented fines against "broadcast indecency." "I am looking forward to cleaning up the indecorous repartee of artists like Snoop Dog and 50 cent." he said. "I understand that they have it in them to say it without, you know, spraying it, as it were."

Powell was not aware that neither artist comes under his perview, or had any clue about how many times rapper 50 Cent had survived numerous bullet wounds.

Under Powell's leadership, Def Jam constituents like Method Man
and his posse will have to knock off the flagrant narcissism, and
expect curfews

Powell has held the position of chairman for four years, but had found the pinnacle, professional excitement of a 40-year-old Janet Jackson exposing herself at the superbowl a bit sleep-inducing. "I mean, how many hearings can you have about Janet Jackson's deteriorating sense of self-worth before it gets stale?" he asked.

The never-ending stream of F-words, racial self-loathing, and references to polemical gunplay promises to provide a more "fertile environment" for Powell's exploits. "This is a potential win-win situation for both," said one Def Jam insider.

Once Powell assumes the postion, he is expected to immediately seek a moratorium on the F-word, as well as attempt to curtail the "proliferate tendency to point at the camera during video shoots for MTV."

Def Jam once ruled gangsta rap's industry, but recent years have yielded fierce competiton--surfacing mainly in the form of pointing 9mm Glocks at their business rivals and "putting a cap" in any percieved sexual rivals. "This is going to change" said Powell. "It has to, since I am confiscating all guns at the studio door."

He also indicated that the rappers can expect to be in bed by a decent hour. "I think once the initial shock subsides, Powell's postive influence on the record label will be exponential." said one source for The Therapist.

Only time will tell.

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