Wednesday, January 19, 2005

CBS Weighs Carrot Top, Jim Stafford For Alternating Anchor Positions

CBS News president Les Moonves announced today, that amongst the pantheon of names being bantied around as possible co-anchors, that comedians Carrot Top and Jim Stafford "cannot be ruled out."

Carrot Top's ascerbic wit
and stupefying good looks
make him a viable contender
to share Rather's vacant anchor seat.

The diversity contingent comes as news sources reveal a plethora of possible co-anchors, to include Today Show host, Katie Couric as well as Daily Show funnyman, Jon Stewart.

"Carrot Top brings with him the kind of credibility, along with the ability to pull the most abstract concepts into concrete form with that bag of visi-puns he carries around," says Moonves, and obvious fan of the comedian. "I once saw him pull a mannequin's foot with a rocket glued to the front of it," he said. "When he called it "mistletoe" I thought I would wet myself."

The comedian's razor-sharp wit is only one of the qualifications that place him in the running, howvever. Moonves contends that "harsh as it may sound, rugged good looks are paramount in this business. You can have all the zinging, write-on-your-feet ability in the world, but if you look retarded, you'll lose your audience," he said.

Lyrical Funnyman, Jim Stafford, author and singer of Spiders & Snakes, My Girl Bill, and Swamp Witch, is, as Moonves admits a "dark horse" candidate at this time. "Jim continues to enjoy great success singing thirty-year-old songs in Branson," says Moonves. "We don't want to upset the Missouri musical ecosystem unless we are 100% sure this is the direction we want to go."

Jim Stafford's ability to
hold things with his toes
places an anchor position
"within reach," says one
CBS executive.

When queried about Stafford's anchor acumen, one CBS executive says that an anchor's ability to juggle items as well as information "is paramount", and notes that Stafford had "demonstrated the ability to hold an extra writing implement with his foot, if need be."

The executive then directed The Therapist's reporter to Stafford's Greatest Hits album cover, for a visual confirmation. "See there?" he asked. Now I ask you, "Who in the world is Jon Stewart?"

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