Sunday, January 23, 2005

New England Cold Snap Freezes Congressional Booze

Could delay Rice confirmation, tax cuts


An already unprecedented cold snap has rendered congressional booze "undrinkable" as sub-zero temperatures challenge notions of alcohol's non-freezability.

"Look, we can be as coy as we want to be here," said one aide to a top republican leader, "but contrary to conventional wisdom, Robert's Rules of Order, and traditional lobbying avenues have little to do with how things get done in the congress. Most successful congressional ventures are preceded by binge drinking."

Sen. Specter (R-Penn) discusses the "biblically enormous"
consequences of alcohol shortages, and warns his votes
could "begin to reflect my party identity."

Experts say, that a sudden dearth of alcoholic confidence can result in a startling halt in the wheels of progress. "If this 'Noreaster' continues to pummel the 105th like this, the consequences could be exponentially bad." they said.

Alcohol is credited with allowing Sen. Kennedy(right)
to work to create legislation with president Bush.
Should rum become unobtainable, it is believed he could
attempt to retract his own legislative victories.

Early predictions place Sen. Edward Kennedy in a "distraught fog of sobriety," which could easily translate into a stalled vote on the full-senate confirmation of Condoleeza Rice for Secretary of State, as well as imperil any thought of indexing capital gains taxes to inflation.

Others fear that an unimbibed Sen. Specter could "wind up giving the president full-vote hearings on any judges his heart desires." Spectre, a Republican, maintains a consistent "trojan horse" status, known for ripping defeat out of victory's jaws.

"Alcohol is the oil in freedom's engine," one source said. "Believe me, that Kennedy wildcard makes me want to start drinking myself."

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