Monday, July 31, 2006

Uh Oh, The Last Thing Liberals Need Now Is This

Looks like one of the left's most revered demi-gods may finally not rise again on the third day.

I'd put Dan rather on suicide watch, if I were the CBS insurance indemnifier.

Friday, July 28, 2006

Alec Baldwin Reportedly Stoning Henry Hyde Dolls For "Therapeutic Recovery"

Marginally talented actor still "reacting negatively" to Hannity & Colmes promos, say docs

Baldwin: Effigal treatment going well

Los Angeles--Even as the outside world continues to spin out of control, the world inside the head of actor Alec Baldwin is no less tumultuous.

Baldwin is said by some to be undergoing psychological evaluation at the behest of a court order related to his divorce and custody battles with actress Kim Basinger.

"She's a no-talent hack" screamed Baldwin into the face of a Mickey Rourke diorama doll. "And so are you--trampoline face!"

Baldwin's acid tongued assaults on various adversaries, both political as well as romantic, are not reserved to 1/125th scale reproductions, although he is said to have a "therapeutic justice room," in which those close to the actor say he has amassed "a considerable and impressive lot" of Henry Hyde family members, all of which he stones to death in a sort of effigal impeachment retrospective. But the worst of his invective he saves for conservative radio talk show host, Sean Hannity.

"You're a no talent hack! You no talent construction worker from New Jersey. No talent! No Talent--and you're a hack!"

Baldwin recently debated Hannity on Brian Whitman's WABC radio show during an interview, in which Hannity called in to debate some of his more colorful remarks about the war. Baldwin, bearing the upper hand of actual studio presence and a sub-standard phone connection with Hannity, is widely thought to to have won the debate by walking out of the studio, leaving his trebly-nemesis hanging on the phone.

"No Talent! No Talent!" yelled Baldwin, walking out. Many friends do assert, however, that Baldwin's therapeutic needs were elevated that same day, as the actor made an unwitting, post-debate lunch stop to Ruth's Criss steak house.

"A man this polemically charged must bear this cross," said one friend. "He can handle it. He and his dolls."

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Andrea Yates Apparently Able To Comprehend "Not Going To Prison"

Weeping defendant not expected to drown self in sudden relapse

A visibly moved Yates coincidentally
weeps at her acquittal. Lawyers for the
defendant deny reports she knows she's not going
to do time for drowning her five children, and that
their congratulatory gestures were "pure tradition"

Houston--A jury charged with retrying a woman charged with the drowning deaths of all five of her children wept today, as she was found not guilty by reason of insanity.

Andrea Yates, deemed to have killed 6-month-old Mary, 2-year-old Luke, 3-year-old Paul, 5-year-old John and 7-year-old Noah — by drowning them in the bathtub of their Houston home in June 2001, had her original 2002 conviction overturned on appeal because of erroneous testimony. The completely disconnected Yates seemed to visibly understand the implicit language of the acquittal to mean, "You're not getting into trouble."

Yates' lawyers dispute the interpretation to mean "You're not going to prison," and that Yates' sudden ejaculation of weeping was "purely coincidental."

"She has no idea that she's going to a mental hospital with regular reviews as to her ultimate societal viability," said one member of her legal staff.

Some even expressed the potential for Yates to launch into a relapse, and attempt to drown herself. Ex-Husband, Rusty Yates, however says the worries are unfounded.

"She just fell victim to the disease," said a supportive Yates, who divorced his wife as soon as she drowned all five of their children. "This is a tremendous victory for women's reproductive ri----I mean for women overwrought by post-partum blues."

Yates is expected to address the National Organization for Women sometime during the 2008 presidential cycle, raising awareness for advances made in prenatal drowning.

"That is, if she ever comes out of her inability to comprehend what's happened to her," said one NOW representative. "We can only hope she can pay it forward, as we like to say."

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Can You Play Guitar Like This?

Take a look at this. Chops, chops, chops.

Had I Been Jehovah, There Wouldn't Have Been An Ishmael

By John Kerry,
Guest Columnist

Once again we see the results of the great American backsliding . . . For nearly six years, my children have wandered haplessly in a circle in the wilderness, failing to come to terms with their sins--the inability--yeah refusal--to reconcile an existential reality with the exit polls that were the apple of my eye.

But then the battle in Isaiah 14. The conventional wisdom was that me and my posse were gonna go get me a hunting license--so to speak. Instead, I've been forced to roam to and fro in the earth and to be married to Theresa Heinz.

Looking over the Middle East conflict, I believe I have a distinct, bird's-eye view of the situation. Sure, Bush caused the symptoms. Some 6,000 years of territorial disputes and religious division can all be linked directly to the last six years of the Bush WhiteHouse.

Okay, not. It's actually part and parcel of the fact that Heaven's electoral college allowed for the succubae and seraphim to cajole the cherubim to vote in a sub-standard Jehovah. Had I been Jehovah, I'd have never allowed Abraham to plow into that tent and foster the bastard kid that spawned Mohammed Atta, and the billion-man cadre of repressed homos we have to contend with today. In fact, I'd be hauling little Ish to the woodshed with a crank-generated field telephone, duct tape, and a resolve for "technical compliance."

That's why I'm now tossing in my hat for Jehovah '08. And remember. I voted for sacrificing Isaac right before I voted against it.


Thursday, July 20, 2006

Reasons For The Indian Government To Ban My Blog

No, it hasn't happened to me yet . . . but one can always hope. I know one thing is for sure: if you want to stop the advances of an inbred religious sect with a coercive god, then ban their critics from your webspace. They'll go away and not slit your children's throats immediately.

Moreover, I direct you to what are perhaps the most offensive articles I've ever done on Islamic nutroots:

Arab Muslims Riot Over Coverage Of Earlier Riots

Scientists On Iran Earthquakes: "It's Allah's Fault."

Chirac Turns Up Heat By Banning Rioters From French Airspace

White House Raises Concerns About Arab Advances In Gasoline, Matches

Diorama Doll Calls For Calm As Muslims Riot Over Cartoon Attack

Kofi Annan Proposes New "Jews For Oil" Program

I'm Not A Muslim Terrorist, I'm A Terrorist Who Happens To Be Muslim

Ayman Al-Zawahiri Urges Those Already Killing People To Kill People

Many Recall What They Were Doing When They First Heard Of Quran Desecration

Terrorists Threaten To Detonate Antibacterial "Clean Bomb" in Europe

Zarqawi Vows To "Increase Descriptions" of Insurgent Attack Methods

Newspaper Accidentally Reports Islamic Slaughter Of Unimportant Christian Family

Islamic Militants Threaten To Behead Vermont Teddy Bear

Election-Fatigued Media Finally Able To Resume Rooting For Terrorists

Eason Jordan Issuing Press Credentials To Senior Al-Queida Operatives

And my personal favorite,

Islamic Divorce Court Awards Woman Half Of Face

Ban me. Please.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

So . . .

How long until Israel drops a demoralizing bomb on Mecca?

And would this happen to be why Saudi Arabia isn't running its mouth at the moment?

Always Remember

Your Democratic Party is supporting these people.

On a side note: Despite my satirical leanings, sometimes my abject disgust with liberal cowards is better vented by just linking to the veritable piles of Jihadist crap these people are rooting for as an alternative to supporting a wartime President they hate.

The Therapist

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Helen Thomas Needs Stem Cell Therapy

And Tony Snow needs no lessons on how to deal with an incoherent, America-Hating rattletrap.

Monday, July 17, 2006

Chirac: Nick Berg Overreacted By Screaming

Claims Zarqawi was acting in self-defense

French President Jaques Chirac is attempting to "recalibrate
the nature of world discourse", by arguing that Nick Berg
(pictured here) was on the offensive when killed.

Paris-- Even as French President, Jaques Chirac, called for restraint on the part of Israel in light of the recent upsurge in Middle-eastern conflicts, the leader also says it "not the first time that Jews have provoked Muslim outrage."

"You can't just sit there, caterwaul, and hyperventilate over a sacred liturgical dialogue, and not be seen as peeing in somebody's church," he said. "Mr. Berg's primary mistake was not trying to reach some form of solidarity with the militants. Instead he just bled out all over Mr. Zarqawi's boot. And just because we can neither understand nor compartmentalize the stigma associated with Semitic arterial spray, doesn't mean there isn't some form of legitimate anger to be felt from it."

Many in the European Union also decry what they call the "FOX-ization" of video feeds like the one that shows Nick berg's beheading at the hands of the now-deceased Al-Queida leader.

"All they show you is the part where he starts gasping through his trachea," said one source. "Now that's all people have to go on when they think about him. No one ever shows you the part where he lunges at Mr. Zarqawi. Nightline didn't even have the stones for it."

Others in the EU believe such a bald, blame-gaming tactic has been employed by the United States, even when dealing with civilian crimes.

"All you ever hear about is Polly Klaas," said one source. "You never hear about the provocative open window and the slumber-party cat calls. Typical imperialist redactions."

Before You Begin To Think That Only A Few People Are Rooting For The Jihadists . . .

. . . . Then think again, because it's apparently going to have to require another major hit on this country before these people even begin to get it.

Sunday, July 16, 2006

Holocaust Denier Claims Israel Acting Like Guy Who Didn't Perpetrate Holocaust

Ahmadinejad: Israel just like evil man who didn't kill any Jews.

Tehran--Even as Israel continues to respond to the terrorists who would destroy them, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad compares the country's overt military response to the "response that never was perpetrated by Hitler."

"You sniveling Jews are acting just like the guy who didn't do anything to you," he said. "Try to counter that one, infidels."

Ahmadinejad also went on to compare Israel to a noted rampaging Texan with a chainsaw, Freddy Kreuger, The Yeti, El Chubacabra, and Gollum from Lord of the Rings.

"Israel is definitely confronted with people who speak truth to their power," said one observer. "And Ahmadinejad's got what it takes to stand up to the Man."

Political pundits around the world say that Israel's standing in the world is in "Significant danger within the court of public opinion," as long as ascerbic and astute observations are broadcast by people with rhetorical gifts as finely honed as Ahmadinejad's.

"They can only hope he has some bad days in front of him," he said. "Because comparisons to the non-existent Bolshevik slaughters are probably sitting on his mental back-burner, even as we speak."

Saturday, July 15, 2006

U.N. Resolution Demands Hezbollah Use Inside Voices

Washington--As Israel continues to engage lebanon with a major show of military might, the United Nations passed a resolution making sever demands on both sides of the Middle-Eastern conflict.

"We have unanimously congealed our peace-making efforts," said UN Secretary-General, Kofi Annan. "We--the world--not only demand that the Israelis scale back their offensive, but that Hezbollah also tone down their cacophonous tirades while slaughtering Jewish children."

Arab rights groups are contesting a part of the resolution as an "abridgement of religion" from the world body.

"It is our right--yeah our birthright, to shout 'Allah Akbar' over and over again while slicing off the head of a hostage," said one protester. "But we do agree that the portion of the resolution calling for the unconditional surrender of Israel is a tempered and reasoned clause."

Annan concedes that media bias may play a part in "clouding the message" that firing missiles into populous Jewish neighborhoods is "largely a self-defensive ordinance."

The primary focus of the resolution, however, places the heaviest onus on the militant Islamic group, Hezbollah, who are implored to "utilize inside voices at all times."

"While we have no sympathy for the imperialistic Jewish occupiers," said Annan. "We also acknowledge the guttural and abrasive nonsense that issues forth from the mouths of these people."

Annan is said to concede in private that he is "relatively unfazed" by the overall hysterical caterwauling and repeated supplications to a coercive deity, but that he gave his assent to the resolution to "avoid the implications" of anti-Semitic bias.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Mastermind Behind '94 GOP House Takeover Now Predicting GOP Net Losses

"It's the Sudan, limits to executive power, climate change, Rwanda, oil, Iraq, Democratic Party strategies , AIDS and Karl Rove, Stupid," says Clinton

Aspen--Speaking before an enthusiastic audience the Aspen Ideas Festival in Aspen Colorado, former President Bill Clinton predicted that the ruling GOP class had a "weak" strategy, and was ripe for losing a significant number of house and senate seats.

"I'm telling you right now, I feel that history is on our side," he said. Clinton, whose charismatic affect is widely credited with ushering in the 1994 GOP landslide takeover of both houses of Congress, told the gathered masses that the Democratic Party was "narrowing it focus to the things I've always deemed winning issues."

"If we can scale back our focus a bit, and take the battle to them, we'll win," said Clinton. "But we must maintain our sights on the narrow road--that of the Sudan, limits to executive power, climate change, Rwanda, oil, Iraq, Democratic Party strategies , AIDS and Karl Rove. They'll be helpless and against the ropes."

Clinton also asserted that the GOP strategy is "floundering" in the rpetetive and redunadant vortex of gay marriage and flag burning.

"I don't know about any of you, but I'm going to the Flag Burning Man festival this year," he said. "And I'm doing it not because Hillary won't let me go to the Lilith Fair, I'm doing it because I support a man's right to be burning something, even if the thing that burns is very dear to you."

Thanks, Allman & Smash

These guys are great. So are Max and Becca (thanks for making sure I am awake). Seems like the segment had all the energy I know the morning markets are looking for.

Apparently, I do have a problem with the whole reciprocal promotional thing--otherwise I would have blogrolled Allman's Electric Stove a month ago, after I was no longer engaging them from a coastal supermarket with a dubiously-signalled cell phone.


Come To Think Of It North Korea, Attacking Hawaii Is A Brilliant Idea

By Japan,
Guest Columnist

As the premier country in the orient, I stand in awe of the sheer tactical genius you asians can conjure when it comes to rattling the international saber. I know we would have never thought of using Hawaii as a geographical sucker punch. America better be ready to "tap out" before the fight even begins. You turkeys!

Ever thought of flying a plane into the Pentagon? They'd never see that one coming, either.

I understand that the Americans are prepared to use Elvis' gold records as a sort of human shield preventative, except the records aren't human--kind of like how you view your human shields.

Anyway. Keep it up with the whole Hawaii gambit. It's a blast.

Monday, July 10, 2006

Frisch Claiming Own Resignation A Zionist Plot

Claiming Jews booby-trap children with lesbian-sensitive threat receptors

Tuscon--Former University of Arizona professor, Deborah Frisch, who resigned in the wake of allegedly making threatening comments to the two-year old child of uber-blogger, Jeff Goldstein, is claiming that she was "set up by those who secretly sport the hooked proboscis."

Frisch was interviewed by The Therapist, while taking a break from the whirlwhind vortex of academia by returning to a more domesticated recreation: arts and crafts.

"It's entirely relaxing," said Frisch, "But I haven't gotten that overall sense of solace yet. You try photo-shopping a Count Chocula box and see if it doesn't pose a problem for the uninitiated. I'm just off my game here. I've been wearing the pants in this family for quite some time, if you know what I mean."

As to the alleged "threats," as claimed by Goldstein, along with many of the on-line patrons that frequent his website?

"It's all a bunch of hymie mudslinging," she said. "They brainwash their toddlers into being threatened by people like me. You never know when one of those filthy little Semites is going to run up on you and drop a K-Bomb into your mouth--I mean you know they train their children to put words into your mouth, right?"

Fisch said her ensuing resignation was also part of the "fabric that is woven into the giant, Zionist quilt that will one day cover the land like a . . . um, blanket."

"I quit because that's what they wanted." she said. "Just ask ward Churchill."

On The Radio Again

It's nice to be appreciated. Now I'm going to have to make myself look like I'm culturally plugged-in once again. Click here:

Tomorrow. 97.1 FM in St. Louis at 7:10--That's 5:10 California time.

Sunday, July 09, 2006

Hamas Calls For Israeli Cease Fire

Rapists also calling for end to mace

Jerusalem--Ahh, whatever . . . you know where I would go with this anyway.

The Therapist

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Conjectural Charges Land Limbaugh In Hypothetical Prison

Radio pundit looking at suppositional time behind bars, say analysts

Sources say Limbaugh's stipulated arrest
for non-illegal substances could land
the radio talker in a medium security
academic detention model.

West Palm Beach--While conservative radio host, Rush Limbaugh will not face criminal charges stemming from the bottle of Viagra found in his luggage, many legal experts point to their academic models as a case in point of what could have been.

"Had this been illegally obtained Oxycontin--and let's just say for the moment that it was, Limbaugh would be staring a very different horse in the mouth," said Dr. Al Sumptive, a legal analyst for CBS News. "Keeping this academic supposition in the index, he would be in direct violation of his probation, and the very violation of those terms means significant jail time."

Others say that Limbaugh's postulatable prosecution would also have "significant legal enhancements," had Limbaugh either raped anyone in the Dominican Republic, a place of which he spoke cryptically about his "good time," or shot to death a family of four in the West Palm Beach area.

"The postulatory margins are razor thin," said Sumptive. "The armchair precipice puts him in direct danger of preconditional legal jeopardy. If I were him, I'd watch my inductive, double-blind P's and Q's."

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Cindy Sheehan Threatens To Not Eat Until Soldiers Don't Come Home In Two Weeks

Vows to take hunger strike on road, stop eating repeatedly

Washington--Anti-war "peace mom," Cindy Sheehan is turning up the heat on the Bush Administration.

Standing outside the White House yesterday, she told an assembled crowd she is beginning a hunger strike that will continue "until the troops still don't get pulled out of Iraq."

"This is a war crime," said Sheehan, whose son was killed in the conflict. "And now, I'm going to underscore this crime by depriving myself of the energetic base by which I pester this Administration."

Sheehan notes that she prepared to stop eating "as many times as I must in order to not make a difference in the national debate on the war."

The approach does not leave her with a dearth of high-profile friends either. Actors Susan Sarandon and Sean Penn have signed on as alternate brunch-foregoers should Sheehan find the vegetarian curry, rice and beans "too much to bear alone."

Sheehan also noted that she would spend the entire summer outside Bush's Crawford, texas ranch, beginning hunger strikes in as "rapid a succession as needed" even possibly extending each one to as much as two weeks before eating again.

Sunday, July 02, 2006

Gore Grounds Shuttle Launch Over Smog Emissions

Right blinker also not working, says NASA

Cape Canaveral--As scientists were preparing for a second run at the launch of Space Shuttle Discovery, the mission was grounded for a second time in two days, this time because it exceeded Florida emissions standards.

"As we were fueling her up for what we were hoping would be a conciliatory weather window, former Vice President Al Gore came speeding up on a Segway Hybrid pointing some kind of telemetry pistol at the base of the shuttle," said NASA Representative Wade Eminit. "Then he pulled his credentials and said, 'pull her over here.'"

Eminit also noted that while the shuttle's emergency flashers seems to be in working order; the right blinker's non-functioning status could also pose a problem.

"It's bad enough that we now have to screw a giant catalytic Converter onto the bottom of the shuttle and recalculate the ratios of fuel to booster weight," he said. "Now, we have an electrical problem. And you know where those can go."

Gore, author of the books Earth In The Balance, is said to have arranged a "significant wreath of reconciliation" to those disappointed by the mission's indefinite postponement, by providing those involved with tickets to see his movie, An Inconvenient Truth.

Saturday, July 01, 2006

That's It, I'm Changing My Breed Category To Palestinian Militant

By Donny, Your Neighbor's Pit Bull,
Guest Columnist

Man . . .what's it take to get a fair shake in the press? So what if I canined the midriff of an unsuspecting letter carrier and drug them by their entrails across the pavement? Can't you people come up with something more . . . um, diplomatically acceptable for newsprint?

I'll accept Canine Insurgency if that's what you want to use. But my situation has a problematic geographical underpinning that is lost on the rest of us insurgents: I live in California. If I plow headlong into a cafe full of Jewish infants and start barrel-rolling their hyoid bones into hemp rope, I don't have the backdrop of a regional conflict with which to justify my actions. Not like you Palestinian Arabs. You've got the phat gig, people.

If I can't move to within routing distance of the Golan Heights, then I need to at least feel like I have my own little colloquial Temple Mount with which to peel off with an unprovoked attack on the infirm. Then I could at least wear the badge of oppression when I bite the face off a paraplegic Salvation Army bell-ringer at the Wal Mart Super center. That's also why I wish my owner would have named me "Hamas" instead of Donny.

So. From this day forward, I am know as Donny the Palestinian Militant Bull. That's because I love pieces.

I mean, peace.

Peace out.

Other Columns by Donny:

TRUTH ALERT: Global Warming Makes Me Want To Shake James Brolin Like A Rag Doll and, You Don't Know Profiling Until You've Killed A Family Of Six

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