Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Had I Been Jehovah, There Wouldn't Have Been An Ishmael

By John Kerry,
Guest Columnist

Once again we see the results of the great American backsliding . . . For nearly six years, my children have wandered haplessly in a circle in the wilderness, failing to come to terms with their sins--the inability--yeah refusal--to reconcile an existential reality with the exit polls that were the apple of my eye.

But then the battle in Isaiah 14. The conventional wisdom was that me and my posse were gonna go get me a hunting license--so to speak. Instead, I've been forced to roam to and fro in the earth and to be married to Theresa Heinz.

Looking over the Middle East conflict, I believe I have a distinct, bird's-eye view of the situation. Sure, Bush caused the symptoms. Some 6,000 years of territorial disputes and religious division can all be linked directly to the last six years of the Bush WhiteHouse.

Okay, not. It's actually part and parcel of the fact that Heaven's electoral college allowed for the succubae and seraphim to cajole the cherubim to vote in a sub-standard Jehovah. Had I been Jehovah, I'd have never allowed Abraham to plow into that tent and foster the bastard kid that spawned Mohammed Atta, and the billion-man cadre of repressed homos we have to contend with today. In fact, I'd be hauling little Ish to the woodshed with a crank-generated field telephone, duct tape, and a resolve for "technical compliance."

That's why I'm now tossing in my hat for Jehovah '08. And remember. I voted for sacrificing Isaac right before I voted against it.


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