Saturday, July 15, 2006

U.N. Resolution Demands Hezbollah Use Inside Voices

Washington--As Israel continues to engage lebanon with a major show of military might, the United Nations passed a resolution making sever demands on both sides of the Middle-Eastern conflict.

"We have unanimously congealed our peace-making efforts," said UN Secretary-General, Kofi Annan. "We--the world--not only demand that the Israelis scale back their offensive, but that Hezbollah also tone down their cacophonous tirades while slaughtering Jewish children."

Arab rights groups are contesting a part of the resolution as an "abridgement of religion" from the world body.

"It is our right--yeah our birthright, to shout 'Allah Akbar' over and over again while slicing off the head of a hostage," said one protester. "But we do agree that the portion of the resolution calling for the unconditional surrender of Israel is a tempered and reasoned clause."

Annan concedes that media bias may play a part in "clouding the message" that firing missiles into populous Jewish neighborhoods is "largely a self-defensive ordinance."

The primary focus of the resolution, however, places the heaviest onus on the militant Islamic group, Hezbollah, who are implored to "utilize inside voices at all times."

"While we have no sympathy for the imperialistic Jewish occupiers," said Annan. "We also acknowledge the guttural and abrasive nonsense that issues forth from the mouths of these people."

Annan is said to concede in private that he is "relatively unfazed" by the overall hysterical caterwauling and repeated supplications to a coercive deity, but that he gave his assent to the resolution to "avoid the implications" of anti-Semitic bias.

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